“THE HIKING SUCKS”

Proving you can’t please everybody, here are some one-star Yelp reviews of some of America’s most treasured national parks and monuments.

Hawai’i Volcanoes National Park: “Paid $20 to get in. Didn’t even get to touch lava.”

Crater Lake: “Ok yes the water is very blue. And then also the water is quite blue, not to mention that the water is very blue. Other than that, mosquitoes ate the whole family alive, we left after one hour.”

Haleakala: “Do yourself a favor and just google ‘pretty sunrise’ and save yourself the disappointment.”

Yellowstone: “If you’ve seen one geyser, you’ve seen them all.”

Badlands: “I didn’t see what the big deal was. We drove a million years to see some semi impressive rock formations? And there were RATTLESNAKES everywhere? Dumb. You lose cell service because you’re in Nowhere USA. The only thing bad about these lands is entire experience. Waste of time. Thank god I was drunk in the backseat for the majority of the trip.”

Yosemite: “How about you cut down the surrounding burned trees and make another parking lot or five.”

Zion: “Picture a bunch of fraternity and sorority folks at Six Flags or Disney World and you will get an idea of what Zion is truly like in the summer.”

Big Bend: “I visited last year around Labor Day weekend. I thought there’d be lot of visitors and tourists but I was wrong. The park was empty. I found it lonely.”

Grand Canyon: “Every 500 feet a new vantage point of the same thing: a really big hole in the ground.”

Petrified Forest: “Literally more petrified wood at the gift shop than in this entire ‘forest.’ ”

Sequoia: “There are bugs and stuff, and they will bite you on your face.”

Denali: “DON’T TAKE THE BUS… drive the 19 miles in with your car. You’ll see just as much and you don’t have to listen to stupid tourists run their mouths all day.”

Death Valley: “This is the ugliest place I’ve ever seen.”

Devil’s Tower: “Just a large elevated rock in the middle of nowhere.”

Carlsbad Caverns: “A walk along dimly lit paths with rocks and pits and pools illuminated BFD. If you have never been inside a cave or seen a picture of a cave this might interest you, otherwise don’t waste your time, energy nor money.”

Joshua Tree: “Ugly and the hiking sucks.”

Itchy fact: It would take 1.1 million mosquitoes to drink all of a full-grown adult’s blood.