OLD-TIME TIPS FOR
WEDDED BLISS

What makes a marriage last? No one knows…but that doesn’t stop “experts” from supplying advice. Here are a few such bits of advice from centuries past that tell us more about how society has changed than they do about matrimony.

“A sensible woman, to preserve the peace and secure the affections of her husband, will often sacrifice her own inclinations to his.”

—The Young Wife, or Duties of Woman in the Marriage Relation by WILLIAM ALCOTT (1837)

“She who weds with one of an inferior rank in life has no right to expect that her friends will associate with her husband, or treat him with that respect which she may think his due.”

—Letters to Young Ladies on Their Entrance Into the World by MRS. LANFEAR (1824)

“Conjugal life is the salvation of many women. Every specialist in the nervous and psychic disorders of women is aware that a healthy vita sexualis is the remedy for many troubles of the brain.”

—The Psychology of Marriage by WALTER M. GALLICHAN (1918)

“Don’t marry a clown. Fun will grow stale and threadbare; one cannot live by it. Life is a trip that costs carfare, wash bills, board bills, trinkets, notions, and actual outlays. Real providers are never clowns.”

—Don’t Marry, or Advice As to How, When, and Who to Marry by JAMES W. DONOVAN (1891)

“Wives generally have much more sense than their husbands, especially if the husbands are clever men. The wife’s advices are like the ballast that keeps the ship steady. They are like the wholesome, though painful shears snipping off the little growth of self-conceit and folly.”

—Manners, Culture, and Dress of the Best American Society by RICHARD A. WELLS (1894)

U.S. city with the lowest rate of marriage: Washington, D.C.

“Appear always flattered by the little he does for you, which will excite him to perform more.”

—Marriage Tips for Married Ladies (1838)

“Don’t bother your husband with petty troubles and complaints when he comes home from work. Be a good listener. Let him tell you his troubles; yours will seem trivial in comparison. Remember your most important job is to build up and maintain his ego (which gets bruised plenty in business).”

—Sex Today in Wedded Life by EDWARD PODOLSKY (1943)

“Housekeeping accomplishments and cooking ability are, of course, positive essentials in any true home, and every wife should take a reasonable pride in her skill. Happiness does not flourish in an atmosphere of indigestion.”

—Sex Satisfaction and Happy Marriage by REV. ALFRED HENRY TYRER (1938)

“That the underwear should be spotlessly clean goes without saying, but every woman should wear the best quality underwear that she can afford. And the color should be preferably pink.”

—Married Life and Happiness by DR. WILLIAM JOSEPHUS ROBINSON (1922)

“The average man marries a woman who is slightly less intelligent than he is. That’s why many brilliant women never marry. They do not come in contact with sufficiently brilliant men, or fail to disguise their brilliance in order to win a man of somewhat less intelligence. College males tell us that they want a girl for a wife who is intelligent but makes them feel they are still more intelligent!”

—Modern Bride (1952)

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

In 1934 an 11-year-old girl checked out a book called Spoon River Anthology from a library in Shreveport, Louisiana. In October 2018, that girl’s grandson was going through boxes in his attic when he found the tattered, old book. (He said it was a bit spooky to find it right before Halloween, because the book, written by Edgar Lee Masters, is full of poems written from the points of view of dead people.) Noticing the library stamp, the man returned it…84 years late. The maximum late fee at the library is $3. It was waived.

Quintessential comes from a Latin word that means “the fifth element.”