LIMERICKS

Limericks, which have been around since the 1700s, are often rather bawdy. Here are a few cleaner ones, suitable for print.

If you catch a chinchilla in Chile

And cut off its beard, willy-nilly,

It can truly be said

That you prob’ly just made

A Chilean chinchilla’s chin chilly.

There was a young schoolboy of Rye

Who was baked by mistake in a pie.

To his mother’s disgust,

He emerged through the crust,

And exclaimed, with a yawn, “Where am I?”

An elderly man known as Keith

Mislaid his set of false teeth.

They’d been left on a chair,

He forgot they were there.

He sat down and got bitten beneath.

There was a young lady named Rose

Who had a large wart on her nose.

When she had it removed,

Her appearance improved,

But her glasses slipped down to her toes.

As for beauty, I am not a star,

There are others more pretty by far.

But my face, I don’t mind it,

For I am behind it,

It’s the people in front that I jar.

There was an old gal from El Paso

Who had such a beautiful ass-o.

It was not round and pink,

As you probably think,

But was gray, had long ears, and ate grass-o.

One Saturday morning at three

A cheese shop in old Gay Paree

Collapsed to the ground,

With a thunderous sound,

Leaving only a pile of de brie.

An ambitious young fellow named Matt

Tried to parachute using his hat.

The world looked so small

As he started to fall,

Then got bigger…and bigger…and SPLAT!

As I stared at a fly on the wall

I wondered, “Why does it not fall?

Because its feet stuck?

Or was it good luck?

Or does gravity miss things that small?”

There was an old man of Peru

Who dreamt he was eating his shoe.

He awoke in the night,

With a terrible fright,

And found it was perfectly true.

There once was a young man named Kyle,

Who worked at the circus a while.

He flew through the air,

With hardly a care,

And that’s why Kyle lies in a pile.

I’m papering the walls in my loo

And frankly, I haven’t a clue.

For the pattern’s all wrong,

And the paper’s too long,

And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

Déjà rêvé is like déjà vu, but it describes the feeling that you’ve experienced a moment before in a dream.