DO THE
CHURCHILLIAN DRIFT

British prime minister Winston Churchill (1874–1965) was well-known for his wit and his wisdom, so it’s no surprise that a lot of famous quotations are attributed to him. But there are also a lot of quotes that sound like Churchill could have said them…even though he didn’t. It’s a phenomenon sociologists call “Churchillian drift.” Here are some of the wisest and most clever things Churchill never uttered.

“There’s no such thing as a free lunch.”

Churchill reportedly made this quip casually at a graduation ceremony, but if he did say it, he was paraphrasing Rudyard Kipling. The Jungle Book author used it in an essay in American Notes when talking about a unique bar in San Francisco that gave free salty food to customers as a way of encouraging them to buy more beer.

“If you’re not a liberal when you’re 25, you have no heart. If you’re not a conservative by the time you’re 35, you have no brain.”

Churchill reportedly became more liberal as he got older, so this wouldn’t make much sense for him to say. Besides, it’s actually derived from a quote in a book published in 1875 by French writer Jules Claretie.

“The only traditions of the Royal Navy are rum, sodomy, and the lash.”

This tongue-in-cheek comment was made by Churchill’s assistant, Anthony Montague-Browne…but Churchill remarked several times that he wished he’d said it.

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”

Ironically, this quote about how incorrect information spreads…is often incorrectly attributed to Churchill. And before that, it was attributed to Mark Twain. But its real origin goes back to English minister Thomas Francklin, who wrote in 1787: “Falsehood will fly, as it were, on the wings of the wind, and carry its tales to every corner of the earth; whilst truth lags behind; her steps, though sure, are slow and solemn.”

“There is no such thing as a good tax.”

Churchill wasn’t quite so black-and-white about taxation. In an address to the House of Commons in Parliament in 1906, he said, “Taxes are an evil—a necessary evil, but still an evil, and the fewer we have of them the better.”

Antarctica’s Horlick Mountains were named by Richard Byrd during his 1930s expedition…

“Never give up. Never, never, never give up!”

Close. He actually said “Never give in. Never, never, never, never, except to convictions of honor and good sense.”

“A nation that fails to honor its heroes soon will have no heroes to honor.”

It’s a corruption of a line from The Closing of the American Mind by Allan Bloom, in which Bloom says the modern world has “no heroes to emulate.”

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”

Nope, not Churchill. The real source is Victor Hugo, author of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, who wrote something to that effect in his 1845 essay “Villemain”: “You have enemies? Why, it is the story of every man who has done a great deed or created a new idea.”

“Distrust first thoughts; they are usually honest.”

Churchill did say it. He said it to Parliament in 1948…but it’s only part of what he said—he preceded that phrase with “As the cynic has said.”

“The destiny of a great nation has never yet been settled by the temporary condition of its technical apparatus.”

Churchill did say it, but he was quoting Leon Trotsky.

Lady Astor: If I were married to you, I’d put poison in your coffee.

Churchill: If I were married to you, I’d drink it.

The exchange actually did take place, although it was between Lady Astor and British statesman F. E. Smith, 1st Earl of Birkenhead…and he was just repeating an old joke.

“I am a man of simple tastes. I am quite easily satisfied with the best of everything.”

The Earl of Birkenhead strikes again: F. E. Smith said something very similar about Churchill: “Mr. Churchill is easily satisfied with the best.”

A TIP FROM UNCLE JOHN

If you’re researching something online, here’s a tip: don’t believe everything you read. The entirety of human knowledge seems to be available at your fingertips on the internet…but there’s also a lot of myth-information out there—some of which was put there intentionally to deceive you. So how do you know what’s true? When you come across an interesting fact, seek out its source—a trustworthy site will provide links. Then verify that information. You can probably believe it if, say, it came from a direct interview or appeared in a reference book. Interviews offer firsthand verification; reference books can be trusted because publishers hire fact-checkers to ensure whatever they publish is legitimate.

…after his chief sponsor, the Horlick’s Malted Milk Company.