COPS SAY THE
DARNDEST THINGS
These are the stories of the men and women of law enforcement, and the strange utterances they find themselves uttering.
STUNNING
Quote: “No one wants to tase anyone, much less an 87-year-old woman.”
Who Said It: Police Chief Josh Etheridge of Chatsworth, Georgia
Story: In August 2018, police received a 911 call from a Boys and Girls Club staffer reporting that an old woman was on club grounds and refused to leave, and she was holding a knife. Chief Etheridge and another officer responded to the call and confronted the woman. Not taking any chances, the two cops drew their guns and ordered the octogenarian—Martha Al-Bishara—to drop her weapon. But Al-Bishara, who stands about 5 feet tall and speaks no English, didn’t understand the severity of the situation. She was smiling as she explained that she was cutting dandelions (to use in a traditional Middle Eastern dish), and walked closer so she could show them her kitchen knife. But there was a downslope behind the officers, which gave Al-Bishara the high ground. Seeing no other option, the cops tased her. Then they took her to the hospital, where she was charged with criminal trespassing and obstructing an officer.
Outcome: After a public outcry, Etheridge insisted that there was no other option: “It was the lowest use of force we could have used to simply stop that threat at the time.” He pledged to conduct an internal use-of-force review. No word on whether the charges were dropped, but the family was clearly upset: “What happened to Mayberry?” lamented her grandson, speaking about the idyllic Southern town from The Andy Griffith Show. “Would you ever see Andy Griffith tase an 87-year-old woman?”
QUIET TIME
Quote: “In retrospect, while there is legal precedent for gagging a defendant to keep order in a court, I apologize for taking that action last week.”
Who Said It: Judge John Russo of Cleveland, Ohio
Story: Russo’s controversial “gag order” occurred in the summer of 2018 during the sentencing hearing of Franklyn Williams, who’d been convicted of several crimes, including robbery and kidnapping. Williams, 32, didn’t think his lawyers were doing a good job, so he kept talking over them, and even over Judge Russo, who told the defendant to “zip it” numerous times. But Williams would not zip it. So the judge ordered five deputies to hold Williams and duct-tape his mouth shut. Then Russo sentenced Williams to 24 years in prison. Afterward, as Williams was being escorted out of the courtroom, he yelled, “Freedom of speech! Duct tape! Hash tag!”
From 1880 to 1882, there was an MLB team called the Worcester Worcesters.
Outcome: Judge Russo initially defended his actions, but after complaints from civil rights organizations, and the threat of a lawsuit from the ACLU, he apologized (while still defending his actions). Russo was removed from the case, and a new judge was brought in to sentence Williams.
CRUDE RENDERING
Quote: “We released all of those details…in the hope that someone recognizes the suspect. This was not done in jest.”
Said by: A police spokesperson in Lancaster, Pennsylvania
The Story: The cops actually posted this witness-created police sketch in a Facebook post. And it really does look like a joke. But the picture actually helped lead to a suspect’s capture. After a man stole some cash from a vendor at a farm stand, an eyewitness (quickly) drew the likeness. Without much else to go on, the cops posted the picture. Almost immediately, the mocking began: “That guy does look pretty sketchy,” wrote one commenter. Another suggested that he needs a “Where’s Waldo striped hat.”
Outcome: Despite the mocking—and an admission from the police that the drawing was “amateurish and cartoonish”—it reminded one investigator of a man he’d had runins with before: Hung Phuoc Nguyen (who, despite the name, doesn’t appear Asian). The officer placed Nguyen’s mug shot among others, and the witness pointed him out. (Amazingly, the suspect really does look like the sketch.) “We appreciate their effort and continued cooperation,” said Sergeant William Hickey of the witnesses who came forward. “People like that make our job easier…and more enjoyable.”
Honey turns green under a blacklight.
Note: “Vous avez fait notre soirée.” (“You made our night.”)
Who Wrote It: Two unidentified police officers in Montreal, Quebec
Story: During a snowstorm one night in early 2018, a DeLorean DMC-12 (like the one from Back to the Future) was illegally parked on a Montreal street. It appeared to be completely covered with snow; only a windshield wiper was visible. A patrol car stopped behind it, and an officer got out and started writing a ticket. Then he hesitated. Another cop showed up and the two of them walked around the car a few times, carefully inspecting it.
Outcome: Instead of ticketing the car, they left the note saying “You made our night” under the wiper and left. Soon thereafter, a photo of the first cop inspecting the DeLorean went viral on the internet. Why? Turns out, it wasn’t a car at all—it was a full-size snow sculpture of a DeLorean, carved as a prank by a local designer named Simon Laprise. Earlier that day, he was inspired by a pile of snow that the plows had left behind, and decided to make it his next art piece. “To me,” he later explained to Vice magazine, “snow is a great free material to sculpt anything out of.” For the final touch, Laprise added a windshield wiper where a real one would go (he found it nearby on the ground), making it look just like a car that was covered in snow. Although Laprise wasn’t there when the cops showed up, he was delighted to receive their note.
WHAT TO NAME THE BABY
A baby cow is a calf, and a baby pig is a piglet. Here’s what you call the young of other animals.
•Turkey: poult
•Fox: kit
•Swan: cygnet
•Eagle: eaglet
•Rooster: cockrell
•Platypus: puggle
•Eel: elver
•Hare: leveret
•Llama: cria
•Squid: paralarva
•Spider: spiderling
•Sea urchin: pluteus
•Porcupine: porcupette
•Rat: pinkie
•Guinea fowl: keet
•Mosquito: wriggler
•Jellyfish: ephyna
•Hog: shoat
•Hawk: eyas
•Skunk: kitten
•Salmon: parr
•Pike: pickerel
•Elephant seal: weaner
•Ape: baby
The Vatican City’s ATMs are the only ones in the world that speak Latin.