SING, BATTER BATTER

The only thing more American than baseball? Goofy songs about the national pastime.

Song:“Go Joe Charboneau” (1980)

Artist:Section 36

Story:When the Chicago Cubs won their first World Series in more than a century in 2016, it made the Cleveland Indians the team that had gone the longest without winning it all, having last been champs in 1948. In 1980 fans thought a rookie named Joe Charboneau could be the guy to turn it all around, with a debut season in which he hit .289 with 23 home runs and 87 RBIs. He was also a real character who did crazy things (by 1980 standards), like dyeing his hair weird colors and drinking beer through his nose using a straw while sitting in the dugout (okay, that’s still crazy). He didn’t turn it around for Cleveland. In fact, he was out of baseball by 1984. But that was enough time to inspire a Cleveland band called Section 36 to record “Go Joe Charboneau,” which became a hit on local radio.

Sample lyrics:“Who’s the one to keep our hopes alive? / Go Joe Charboneau. / Straight from the 7th to the pennant drive? / Go Joe Charboneau.”

Song:“Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio” (1941)

Artist:Les Brown and his Orchestra

Story:Already one of the most popular and best players in baseball, Joe DiMaggio did something on the field in 1941 that nobody else did before or since: he got a hit in a whopping 56 straight games. Following the progress of “Joltin’ Joe” became a national obsession (and a nice distraction from the escalating World War II in Europe). Les Brown and his Orchestra, one of the most popular big bands of the day, got in on the action with a song celebrating the man who would one day marry Marilyn Monroe.

Sample Lyrics:“He started baseball’s famous streak / That’s got us all aglow / He’s just a man and not a freak / Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio”

Song:“Charlie Hustle” (1979)

Artist:Pamela Neal

Story:By the end of the 1970s, Pete Rose had helped guide his hometown Cincinnati Reds to four World Series appearances. And “Charlie Hustle,” as Rose was known, became one of the league’s all-time best hitters, with a record 4,256 career hits (but a lifelong ban from baseball for gambling on the sport). In 1979 two things happened: 1) Rose shockingly left Cincinnati for the Philadelphia Phillies, and 2) a little-known, breathy singer named Pamela Neal recorded “Charlie Hustle” in his honor. It’s a disco song—nearly seven minutes long—and it was a total flop…but Rose got a cut of what little profits there were.

Sample lyrics:“Look at him run / while everybody walks / son of a gun, Charlie Hustle”

The four foods researchers say even extremely picky eaters are most likely to eat: fried chicken, mac and cheese, French fries, and cookies.

Song:“Fat Is In” (1985)

Artist:Terry Forster and the Lovehandles

Story:Relief pitcher Terry Forster enjoyed a good run in the major leagues in the 1970s and 1980s, racking up a career ERA of 3.23 and accumulating 127 saves. During that time, he had difficulty keeping his weight down, topping out at 270 pounds when he played for the Atlanta Braves in 1985. David Letterman noticed, and one night on Late Night with David Letterman, he called Forster a “tub of goo.” (The next night, Letterman apologized.) Forster took it in stride and good humor, going on Late Night with candy falling out of his pockets and doing a cooking demo (he made tacos). Forster also capitalized on his brush with non-baseball fame by recording a song called “Fat Is In.” Parodying two pop-culture phenomena of the time—singer Chaka Khan and rap group the Fat Boys—Forster begins the song with a send-up of the “Chaka Khan / Chaka Khan” rap from her “I Feel for You,” before rhyming his way through lyrics about how it’s cool to be heavy.

Sample lyrics:“Fat is in / stuff your face and don’t be thin / double chins are tons of fun / on the beach you block the sun”

Song:“Vida Blue” (1971)

Artist:Albert Jones

Story:When you think of 1970s baseball, with its loud uniforms, elaborate mustaches, and huge Afro hairdos, you’re probably picturing Vida Blue. The pitcher won more than 200 games over a long career (he retired in 1986), but he was at his absolute peak in the early 1970s. In 1971 he went 24–8 with a 1.82 earned run average for the Oakland A’s, earning him both the Cy Young and Most Valuable Player Awards. That inspired soul singer Albert Jones to write and record this jubilant (and funky) song about Blue, which sounds like James Brown discovered baseball.

Sample lyrics:“Baseball is still our national game, but the last few years were kinda tame / Now they’re buzzin’ from town to town, ’cause ain’t no hitter put Vida down”

Antarctica was originally called Australia, until the other Australia adopted that name, leaving the icy continent nameless from 1824 to 1890.

Song: “Talkin’ Baseball” (1981)

Artist:Terry Cashman

Story:Cashman was a semipro baseball player for a farm team of the Detroit Tigers in the late 1950s; part of the 1960s folk-pop trio Cashman, Pistilli, and West in the late 1960s; and produced hit records for Jim Croce in the 1970s. But his most lasting success was with “Talkin’ Baseball.” Inspired by a picture he saw of Willie Mays, Duke Snider, Mickey Mantle, and Joe DiMaggio, he wrote this name-dropping ode to 1950s baseball. Cashman released it in 1981 and it became a hit—possibly because a strike had shortened the baseball season, and bitter fans looked fondly to the sport’s past. Over the next few years, Cashman recorded versions of the song for several MLB teams, substituting in the names of local legends for all-time greats from the ’50s.

Sample lyrics:“They knew ’em all from Boston to Dubuque / Especially Willie, Mickey, and the Duke”

Song:“The First Baseball Game” (1961)

Artist:Nat King Cole

Story:Cole, an accomplished jazz pianist who became an even more successful crooner, made classics out of romantic songs like “Unforgettable,” “Mona Lisa,” and “The Christmas Song.” But he recorded a variety of tunes, and on this one, he created something that’s both funny (mildly) and wholesome: a story-song set thousands of years ago in which figures from the Bible play ball. It was the equivalent of a fun sermon set to music, and it failed to crack the pop charts.

Sample lyrics:“And the angel that day, made a double play / That’s when Adam and Eve were thrown out.”

THEY’VE GOT HIS NUMBER

Emile Ratelband of the Netherlands was born on March 11, 1949. In 2018 he filed a lawsuit against the Dutch government to legally advance his birthday by 20 years, to March 11, 1969. Why? He wanted to meet more single women on the internet, and believed that listing his biological age of 69 was preventing that from happening. “You can change your name. You can change your gender. Why not your age? Nowhere are you so discriminated against as with your age,” he told reporters, adding that he was discriminated against when he was looking for work opportunities, too. “When I’m 69, I am limited. If I’m 49, then I can buy a new house, drive a different car. I can take up more work.” A few weeks later, a judge threw out the case.

Volleyball was originally called “mintonette.”