DUMB CROOKS
More proof that crime doesn’t pay.
IF AT FIRST YOU SUCCEED, TRY AGAIN AND FAIL
Two shoplifters nabbed thousands of dollars’ worth of electronics from a Seattle Costco in 2018. But several employees saw their faces, ensuring that the thieves would be easily recognized if they came back. They came back. Employees stealthily watched as the two young men shoplifted $2,200 worth of electronics. By the time they ran out through the emergency exit (the same place they’d escaped the previous time), several officers were waiting for them.
IF AT FIRST YOU FAIL, TRY AND FAIL AGAIN
One night in November 2017, several people witnessed a man trying to break into cars in a Trinity Oaks, Florida, neighborhood. All the cars were locked, though, so the man went away empty-handed. On the off chance that the thief might be dumb enough to return to the scene of his failed crime, deputies parked an unmarked squad car on the street and waited inside. Later that evening, the door opened and in popped Stephen Titland, 49, the same man from the previous night. He was immediately arrested.
HALL’S BIG HAUL
In 2017 William Jason Hall, 38, entered a Lakeland, Florida, 7-Eleven and—when he thought no one was looking—stuffed a quart of motor oil down his comically oversized pants. Then he stuffed in another quart, then another, and another, until he had 15 quarts of oil in his pants. (He’d tied them at the bottom so nothing would fall out.) Then Hall sauntered on over to a rack of DVDs and casually knocked it onto the floor. Oops. He picked them up, stacked them nicely, and then stuffed 30 DVDs into his pants. “Then he waddles like a duck out of the store,” said the Polk County Sheriff’s Facebook page. He waddled right past Detective Phil Ryan, who was sitting in an unmarked car and had watched the entire episode transpire. “I don’t think so,” said Ryan as he escorted Hall back into the 7-Eleven, where he removed all 15 quarts of oil and 30 DVDs and put them back. (Even if Ryan hadn’t been there, Hall was clearly visible on the CCTV footage.) Hall was arrested, but what happened to his contraband is somewhat controversial. As one Facebook commenter queried, “Am I the only one that is grossed out by the fact that they put them back on the shelf after being in his nasty a$$ pants? Yuck.”
Hollywood lore: Andre the Giant let out a 16-second fart on the set of The Princess Bride.
In June 2018, Flora Lunsford, a 58-year-old waitress from Pine Bluff, Arkansas, was getting gas when her purse was stolen from her car. No one got a good look at the crooks (it was a two-man job), and security footage wasn’t clear enough to positively ID them, so all Lunsford could do was report her credit cards stolen and get back to her life. Two days later, one of the thieves—Shamon West—walked into the diner where Lunsford worked, which is just down the road from the gas station. West, 21, ordered a bunch of food, scarfed it down, and then tried to pay Lunsford with her own credit card. “Where’s the rest of my stuff?” she asked. He wouldn’t tell her, but he did tell the police after they showed up a few minutes later and arrested him. Here’s the dumb part: Lunsford’s driver’s license was in her wallet, right next to her credit card, and it has her picture on it. One look at it and West would have known to eat elsewhere. Lunsford was shaken by the entire ordeal…except for the driver’s license goof. “That part,” she says, “is funny.”
THWARTED BY PHYSICS
Picture a man with a brick. He throws the brick at a window. The brick bounces off the window and hits him in the head, knocking him out. You don’t have to picture it in your head—you can watch the viral video (recorded by CCTV in Maryland in 2018) on the internet. Just type in “burglar throws brick into window, hits himself in head.” But don’t confuse that one with “bungling car thief throws brick at window, knocks himself out.” That video (also very funny) was recorded in Ireland in 2015. A guy spends half an hour throwing rocks at a car’s windows; then he throws a brick at it, which bounces back and knocks him out. And don’t confuse that one with “dumb burglar knocks his buddy out with a brick,” recorded in China in 2010. A robber throws a brick at a window (which doesn’t break), and as he’s stepping aside to avoid the rebound, another robber throws another brick, which hits him in the head, knocking him out. And don’t confuse that one with our all-time favorite, “robber knocks buddy and himself out with a brick,” from 2007. It’s incredible: First, a robber throws a brick that bounces back and knocks out his accomplice, then he throws a second brick and knocks himself out. (Maybe crooks should steer clear of bricks.)
“Stupidity without malice isn’t horrible; some people can’t help it.”
—Ricky Gervais
The most commonly used pope names: John (21), Benedict (17), Gregory (16), and Clement (14).