TODD

The worst thing up to now I ever did was commit a sacrilege. The way we were taught, a sacrilege was this huge thing, and really rare. It didn’t seem so rare to us. The sisters made it a big thing and then they didn’t. You couldn’t tell. For instance, in fifth grade these two guys got into a fight. Sister Amalia tried to break it up and got punched in the chest. She was upset. She sat there on the floor holding herself and said it was a sacrilege. The kid who did it was scared. But we didn’t believe her. We didn’t think she was that holy. Also, it was an accident, and we didn’t think you could get a sacrilege that way. We made the kid feel better. Later he was coming back from Communion at Easter and he held up his arm for us, right there in church. The sisters didn’t know what he meant, but we did: he was going, Here’s my arm; it hasn’t fallen off yet.

But there was another kind that wasn’t accidental. One year our parish priest went away and the guy who replaced him was mean. In confession he’d go, “C’mon, c’mon,” if you stopped to think. And if you said something he didn’t like, he’d say, “You did what?” You heard it all the time. It was embarrassing. Kids would come out of the booth bright red, or crying.

You couldn’t predict what would set him off. Once, I told him I stole some books from the local bookstore—nothing big, two little things on dinosaurs I put under my sweater—and it must’ve been the nineteenth case of that, that day, or he must’ve just been sick of it or something. He blew up. He said, “What did you do that for? What were you thinking?” And then he said, “You could afford to buy something like that. Your parents could afford it.” So everybody out in church knew I must’ve stolen something. And I said without thinking, “Don’t shout it,” and then he got seriously mad. He kept me in there longer than he was supposed to, just yelling at me. He kept his voice down for that. Then he gave me fifty Hail Marys and fifty Our Fathers. Fifty is a huge amount. I had to go to the altar rail and kneel there, and no matter how fast I said them—and after the first ten I was flying—it still looked to everyone in the church like I must’ve killed my mother.

The worst part was I was so scared of confession after that that I didn’t go. I kept not wanting to go to Communion. I had all these mortal sins on my soul. The sisters were like, Why aren’t you going to Communion? What could I tell them? So finally I went. The whole way up in the line I was telling myself, Go back, go back, you’re going to commit sacrilege. Because it’s sacrilege to receive with a mortal sin on your soul and you know it.

I stood there in line feeling like such a hypocrite, such a liar, the sisters thinking I was being a good Catholic while I was doing this.

After I received, I went back to my row and put my head on the pew in front of me. I looked up and there was Sister Amalia, and she gave me this smile, like she was happy I was so good. I thought, You committed a sacrilege just so you wouldn’t be embarrassed.

That night I realized people were going to Hell not only because they were bad but also because they were weak.

I didn’t do anything about it for six weeks. Every time I got Communion—because I had to get Communion, otherwise, why wasn’t I getting it?—I was committing sacrilege. Sacrilege, sacrilege, sacrilege. All my friends were ahead of me and behind me in line, getting Communion like it was no big deal. Because it wasn’t for them. And I kept it all from everyone. Who could I tell? It was like a nightmare; it was so easy to stop, and I wasn’t stopping. It was like I thought, What difference did it make? My soul was so black it couldn’t get blacker. But it was getting blacker. I thought I was setting sacrilege records. I thought somewhere God was thinking that this was all too bad. He knew everything, so he knew I wasn’t evil, but that that wasn’t going to make things any better. People were going to Hell for stealing a car or for missing Mass. I was going to get off the hook?

Then I found out you had to go to confession before confirmation. We went as a group; there was no getting out of it. And I had to confess it, because the bishop would be giving us Communion at the ceremony, and I thought, Even I can’t do that sacrilege.

So every night the week before, I was up, praying, crying, I didn’t know what. I found myself under the bed one night. Finally, the day of the confession, I was the second one in line, the whole class and Sister Amalia out there in the pews, waiting. I was so miserable by then I just gave up. I just went in and said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been six weeks since my last confession.” And he asked why it took me six weeks. I told him because I’d committed this sacrilege. He said, “You did what?” I thought, Here we go. But when I explained it, he said, “That’s not a sacrilege,” like that was obvious. I was so relieved to hear anybody say that that I didn’t argue with him. He gave me like fifteen Hail Marys for penance. I was so happy I was all teary-eyed. I still thought it was a sacrilege, but now it was like I had special dispensation; I had a priest tell me not to worry about it.

That was the worst thing I’d done until now.

The other night when I was up with my mother, I remembered all that, remembered being up all night worried about the sacrilege.

This is worse, now, than then. It’s like there are two of me wandering around at once. I’m someone else from the person everyone thinks I am.

If I was God, I’d be harder on me than her. She’s scared and doesn’t believe in everything, anyway. But I learned every day in catechism what the right thing to do was. I was an altar boy. I helped serve Communion. It’s like when I had the sacrilege: like every day I’m slapping God in the face, over and over and over.