12

CHANGE

 

I SAT IN a window, balanced toe to heel on the white painted wooden sill.

My butt had started to numb in the twenty or so minutes since I first fixed my perch, but I liked being balanced on the narrow ledge as I looked out the rain-splattered window. Through the glass lived a world of gray, with charcoal streets and sad-looking trees breaking up long swaths of sidewalk.

A man walked by in a tarp of a raincoat, slowly pushing a shopping cart filled with cans and covered with a blue tarp. He glanced up at the window.

I held my breath, frozen as he stared at me, but his face looked resigned, his eyes blurred by rain. Gripping the cart’s handlebars, he resumed pushing it down the street, his expression unchanging.

A long, slow, questioning tug slid through my belly.

He was looking for me...it grew urgent briefly. Then it faded back, pulled somewhere else.

I glanced over at the bed, without turning my head.

Above him hung the tapestry where an angry-faced blue god rode a lion, tongues of flame circling his head in a bright orange and red aura. My eyes shifted to tapestry nearer to me, the one depicting a gold buddha with multiple faces that formed a high cone stretching above his neck. Crowning the stack of extra heads hung a delicate, androgynous face exuding golden light. I found myself looking at that face a lot this morning.

Revik moved then, and my eyes drifted reluctantly down.

He slept on his back, arms and legs sprawled, his hands and fingers open. I studied the softness of his expression and felt the pulling return, urgent that time, enough to bring the nausea back in a warm flood.

I’d woken to the feeling, and him wrapped around me, half crushing me with his arms and body in sleep. I’d been careful of his hurt shoulder without thinking about it much, but I’d been wrapped around him just as tightly. My face had rested in the hollow of his neck, one of my legs curled around and between his.

I’d been pulling on him unconsciously, as much as he had been me.

It had felt completely natural that his fingers were tangled in my hair, that he’d tugged me closer with that same hand, his other arm wrapped around my back, his mouth brushing my temple in sleep. When I’d stroked his bare arm and chest without thinking, caressing his fingers, he’d let out a low sound, enough to wake me for real...and get me swiftly out of his bed once I realized other parts of him were awake ahead of his mind.

Since then, he’d been looking for me with his light. It wasn’t enough to wake him, just enough to make me sick.

I still hadn’t left.

I couldn’t decide why, but my reasons felt irrational, even to me. I was starving. I needed a shower like I’d never needed one before...I smelled like filthy lake water and my hair had the consistency of matted straw. I wanted clean clothes. I also could be talking to the other seers, the friendlier ones, anyway, and trying to find out more about my mom, Jon and Cass.

Instead I was here, watching him sleep...like some kind of stalker.

The truth was, I couldn’t seem to make myself want to leave, even after I had to go to the bathroom.

Feeling eyes on me, I turned...and nearly fell off my window perch.

Ullysa smiled at me from the doorway, looking like an old movie still with her hair piled on her head and a powder-blue gown clinging to her hips. Turning away from me, she scrutinized Revik clinically.

Without thinking about why, I hopped the rest of the way off the sill and crossed the room, drawing the woman’s eyes back to me.

Ullysa frowned, exuding a faint puzzlement.

That puzzlement didn’t dissipate as she turned to study my light with the same narrow-eyed stare she’d trained on Revik.

“What?” I said quietly when I reached her.

Ullysa shook her head. Then her face broke into a smile of such sincerity that I was taken aback.

“He is better,” she said, clasping my arm with warm fingers. “I am relieved. You did very well with him.”

I blinked into the woman’s violet eyes. “Yeah,” I said. “Good. Look, is there any way I could borrow some clothes? I’m starving too, and a shower—”

“Yes! Of course!” Ullysa squeezed my arm tighter, exuding more warmth. “You may have whatever you wish while you are here, Bridge Alyson! Anything at all!”

“Great.” I smiled back, a little unnerved by her enthusiasm. “I’ll pay you back, once I—”

“No.” The seer waved this off, making a sharp line in the air with her fingers. “There is no need for that...the honor is ours. And Revi' is an old friend.”

My eyes shifted involuntarily to the bed.

I found myself remembering some key details from the night before, things that had somehow managed to skirt my mind all morning. Watching his expression tighten briefly in sleep, along with the fingers of one of his hands, I sighed, more internally than on the outside.

“Yeah,” I said. “I got that part.”

When I glanced back, Ullysa was staring at me again, her odd-colored eyes glowing. She didn’t stare at my face; instead, her focus hovered somewhere just above my head, her eyes holding a kind of wonder. The same intensity and precision shifted back to Revik.

I fidgeted with the doorjamb as she looked at him. It occurred to me that I didn’t want her getting too close to him, not even with her eyes.

Abruptly, Ullysa’s irises clicked back into focus.

She bowed, her expression still holding wonder.

“...Of course, sister. My apologies. Truly.”

I wrapped my arms around my waist, shrugging.

It occurred to me I didn’t know exactly what she was apologizing for.

Ullysa spoke before I could. “How is it that you are feeling yourself, sister?”

I noticed her accent had lost some of its human-like cadence. Maybe she had relaxed some. Or maybe it had something to do with whatever clearly bothered yet excited her about me and Revik.

“Fine.” I tried to unclench my fists, to relax that reflexive but alien vigilance. I couldn’t. “Fine. Just...” I glanced at Revik, stifling the impulse to step directly between him and the woman’s eyes. “I’m fine,” I repeated, succumbing to the impulse by moving a half-step. “...Just tired, I guess. Stinky. Hungry. In desperate need of a shower.”

Ullysa smiled. “Please make yourself at home. We can supply you with anything you need during your stay.”

“Stay?” I felt my face slacken. “How long will we be staying here?”

Ullysa smiled. Her voice turned briefly business-like.

“You two are safe for now,” she said. “...But they found no bodies. In future, if you wish to fake your deaths, I suggest you consult Revi’ first.” Her smile crept out wider, and didn’t seem to have any relation to her actual words.

“...The Rooks know you are here...at least that you were seen together in Seattle. They know about the stolen headset too...it is good you left it in the taxi.” She added cheerfully, “It is better that we wait until they are not watching every route in and out of the city. We are sending seers starting today, to begin to create false trails.”

Watching my eyes, she grinned again.

“Do you have a passport, Bridge Alyson?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“That is easily fixed. Vash also suggested you might use this time to learn more about why you are here...”

I glanced at Revik, feeling his light looking for mine again. I pushed it aside gently, focusing back on the woman.

“Where will I go that I need a passport?” I said.

“There are many places, Bridge Alyson.” The woman’s smile was a grin again. “...Revi’s home is not in this country.”

I flushed, hearing the teasing behind this. The woman must have felt his pull.

“Where does he live? Germany, or—”

“No,” Ullysa said, surprised. “Not Germany...not for many years. He lived in Russia also, I believe...but has maintained a residence in London for over twelve years.” She paused, smiling at me warmly again. “...And it is no trouble at all to keep my light from his, Bridge Alyson. I completely understand.”

My face grew hotter.

Succumbing to the impulse again, I stepped a little more firmly into the woman’s line of sight to Revik.

Rather than causing offense, something in the gesture seemed to touch the other woman immensely. She startled me by touching my face, then kissing my cheek.

She turned as if to leave...then abruptly stopped.

I tensed before my mind supplied me with a reason.

Still polite, Ullysa glanced over my shoulder, a glimmer of asking permission inherent in the brevity of the peek.

“Revi’, darling...did we wake you?”

His answer was low, but made me jump, almost cringe.

“It’s fine,” he said.

“Are you hungry?”

“Yes.”

I took a breath, turned...and found his eyes locked on me. The look in them was narrow, cold, with a veiled hostility that took me aback.

It was unmistakably aimed at me.

Ullysa didn’t seem to notice. “Of course you are,” she smiled. “And congratulations, Revi’...I am touched. Very touched. Good hunting, friend.”

Seeing that Ullysa was close to tears above her smile, I glanced again at Revik, feeling my nerves turn into actual fear when I saw his face. His skin had darkened; it was clear he knew exactly what the woman was talking about and didn’t appreciate the comment at all.

He averted his gaze when it caught mine, folding his arms across his chest.

I couldn’t take my eyes off his face.

Was he blushing?

He bowed slightly to Ullysa. “Thank you.”

Wiping her cheek, the woman smiled, then turned to go.

I found I couldn’t follow her out fast enough. Before I made it through the door, however, Ullysa turned.

“Alyson...where are you going?”

I froze. “Passport. Eggs. Shower...”

“Why don’t you stay here?” she suggested. “We will bring food for you both. It is too early for passports...and the shower can wait.”

I felt like a cornered animal. I glanced at Revik. His eyes were trained out the window, as gray as the sky. I looked back to Ullysa.

“No, actually...it can’t wait. The shower, I mean. Besides, I have to go to the bathroom. And I thought I might talk to you...and some of the others. Maybe learn more about how I’m supposed to kill everyone on the planet...”

“I can talk to you about that,” Revik spoke up.

Startled, I glanced back at him.

He continued to train his eyes out the window, and mine fell involuntarily to his bare upper body, taking in the leanness of his long frame and the banded muscle of his arms, a pale lattice of scars that crept up over one shoulder. He had an armband tattoo just above one bicep, I noticed, something I’d glimpsed in the park without really seeing it. It looked like some kind of writing in blue and black lettering.

I saw the edge of what might have been another tattoo on the shoulder of the same side. He also had the standard barcode tat on his right arm, along with the “H” mark he’d shown me in the park, designating his race-cat.

His body without clothes looked somehow older than the rest of him.

I saw his fingers tighten on his upper arm, and looked away.

“Stay, if you want.” His voice remained flat, formally polite. “Shower, then come back.”

“No,” I said. “You should rest. I can bug someone else.” Seeing him about to answer, I said, “It’s fine, Revik. And I know your friends will want to see you.” I glanced down again. “...Especially when you’re not wearing a shirt.”

His eyes seemed to flinch.

Staring at his long countenance, I found myself briefly lost there.

His eyes were still angry on the surface, but I could see the openness beneath, a vulnerability so much the opposite of his usual expression that I couldn’t help but stare. Remembering him pulling on me moments before, the softness of his face as he held me in sleep, I blinked at the two images superimposed over one another, tried to reconcile them, couldn’t.

My eyes shifted first, meeting Ullysa’s in my attempt to escape his.

Her returning smile held amusement. She folded her thin arms, quirking a pencil-darkened eyebrow at Revik.

Turning, I walked wordlessly out the door. I saw Ullysa’s eyes widen in surprise, just before she moved out of my way.

I didn’t stop walking, didn’t slow down enough to realize I didn’t know where I was going until I’d passed another three doors. I stopped dead then, standing in the darkened corridor.

I was having trouble breathing.

Anxiety clenched my chest.

I held the wall, tried to turn it into anger, like he had.

The pull to go back to him was nearly physical in its intensity. My mind tried to sift through details of the night before. We definitely hadn’t had sex. Anyway, most of these people were prostitutes; sex wouldn’t faze them. I remembered what Kat said about Revik in that regard, and a hot flood of...God, something...tried to blow out my doors, irrational enough to scare me.

It reminded me of seeing Jaden in that bar, of finding myself suddenly holding a bottle decorated with a strange woman’s blood...

Christ. Was it jealousy?

I remembered the seers the night before, what they’d said about Revik...and the stories came back, about seers seducing humans, hooking into human fantasies and delusions until the victims lost themselves entirely inside the seer’s mind. Those stories always made it sound deliberate though, and whatever this was, it didn’t feel like Revik had done it intentionally.

In fact, he seemed to blame me for whatever had occurred.

It didn’t feel like we’d had sex, either...and no matter how battered my body was, or the amount of pyrotechnics in the Barrier, I was still like 98% sure I would have noticed. Besides, it felt like the lack of sex—maybe even the lack of sex with him—was at least part of the problem.

The admission made me feel a little queasy.

Images rose from the night before, confusing me more.

Whatever that had been, it hadn’t felt like a dream, either, and my attempts to convince myself it had been a dream rang hollow. He’d been a Nazi...a married Nazi with a death sentence for murdering another Nazi for screwing his wife.

That guy Terian had been there. I was pretty sure I’d seen them meet for the first time.

The pain in my stomach worsened briefly...the other thing, along with the stress of not knowing how to process any of it.

My eyes drifted up, looking for someplace else to focus my attention.

I stared at a nearby ajar door breaking the dark walls of the corridor, unable to make sense of it for the first few seconds.

Then my eyes refocused on the pink tile floor and walls of a bathroom.

Pushing off the wall, I made my way to that same door, limping as my body’s battered state grew more noticeable. I closed the door behind me, only to stand there indecisively, my back pressed to the heavy wooden door.

Finally, I turned around and sat on the toilet. It wasn’t until I’d relieved myself that it occurred to me that through that whole exchange with Ullysa and Revik, I hadn’t been wearing pants.

Clasping my hands between my bare knees, I let out a strangled laugh.

I sat there for what felt like a long time. My body was unbelievably sore. Not sex sore—just run of the mill falling down a hill after being handcuffed to a car then driving off a bridge and smacking my skull sore.

The nausea worsened as soon as my bladder wasn’t full enough to distract me. I gripped the edge of the pedestal sink, afraid I’d throw up if I tried to stand, trying to come to grips with whatever was wrong with me. It felt like some part of me had been broken and smashed...then reassembled with pieces missing.

Or maybe with new ones woven in with the old...I honestly couldn’t tell.

I still sat there, paralyzed, when Ullysa knocked.

After the second knock, she tried the handle. Opening the door cautiously, she handed through clean clothes and a basket with soap and shampoo. I felt her concern, and once she’d placed everything on the tile, I felt her hesitate, about to speak. Preempting whatever attempt she might make, I reached over with one foot to push the door shut.

Even through the door and intervening corridor, I could feel him.

His anger was still there, pulsing at me, but so was the other, unmistakable now, until the two wove together, impossible to separate as distinct feelings.

He wanted me to come back, I realized with a dim sort of confusion. He was having the same reaction I was, and on more than one level.

For a moment I doubted what I felt, then a sliver of his pain hit me again, weaving into some part of me I couldn’t see, affecting me physically, too. My stomach hurt, but it wasn’t just that. I felt my face flush, my chest and thighs warm...I felt myself start to respond, to reach back in his direction, and I panicked, cutting it off.

His pain worsened, turning almost liquid.

It was unmistakably sexual.

I was still sitting there when he dropped the pretense, asking me openly to return to the room. When I didn’t respond, he pulled on me harder, letting me feel the want behind it, until I clutched the edge of the sink.

Stop it, I thought at him, gasping.

After the barest pause, he receded.

Somehow I remained lost in his light; my skin flushed as I realized the flavor of his thoughts.

He asked me again, politely that time.

When I gave a short laugh, his mind retreated. But not entirely.

I felt him thinking again...just before he started to open his light. I felt emotion expand off him, that near-vulnerability I’d glimpsed in the room. It grew stronger as it mixed with the pain, until it slid into my light...

I panicked, pushing him back.

That time, he withdrew until I barely felt him.

Still flushed, I staggered to my feet, buying myself time by examining the bruises that ran all along my legs and arms. Limping to the tub, I felt about eighty years old as I bent to twist the porcelain shower knobs all the way to hot. As water heated in the ancient pipes, I stood in the basin, shivering. I tried to ignore the waiting I felt behind his silence.

Allie, he sent softly. ...please.

The pull behind it cut my breath.

Pain flickered around the spaces between us, and for an instant, I hesitated, staring at that void, feeling it with him. The lost feeling worsened...

Then I stepped under the hot water.

I let my mind go blank as the smell of steaming hot lake water rose off my hair, sliding off my body like a second skin. I lowered my head as the water beat at it, sending brown, brackish water down the sides of the tub and into the drain.

I felt him watch me as I continued to stand there. His light flickered around mine, silent, waiting.

For a long time, it didn’t move away.