22

INDIA

 

NEWS FEEDS RAN nonstop in the background.

I tried not to look at their fast-moving images, or hear anything the avatars said. Still, broken pieces reached me, burning me like heated stones.

“...dead now tallied at four hundred and sixty-two...with over a hundred still missing, most of whom are also believed to be dead...”

“...believed to be the work of the terrorist Alyson May Taylor and her organization of renegade seers. Initially thought to be killed in the attack, it is now believed Taylor escaped alive and is still at large, following...”

“...where she was last seen in Europe, at a café in Spain where she...”

“...eluded authorities outside a train station in Munich, now believed to be headed east as she reunites with the larger terrorist cells that placed her all those years ago as a sleeper agent, somewhere in the depths of Asia...”

I heard my name, over and over, and saw my face.

I saw pictures of people I loved, heard strangers argue about how many of my family and friends were already dead...until my brain fuzzed over, counting floor tiles in a hotel bathroom while someone pounded on the door, trying to get me to unlock it.

I traveled everywhere in a faceless cloud of seers.

They bought me wigs, wrapped scarves around my head, gave me earpieces to wear, make-up, prosthetics of various kinds, contact lenses. They forced me to eat, drugged me when I wouldn’t sleep in the constructs we hopped in and out of, shoved me into vans and cars and trains to move me every few days, scolded me when I drank too much or stood next to windows without the curtains drawn. I stared at the landscape of different cities across land masses I didn’t recognize through the windows of whatever vehicle they put me in, sometimes for days at a time where I couldn’t sleep, where I could barely tell where I was.

They treated me differently now. All but Chandre, anyway.

Despite their attempts to keep me alive, most of the seers seemed afraid of me. It was a reverential kind of fear, like they saw the end of the world reflected on my face.

At that point, I wasn’t sure I disagreed.

When Chandre came in alone to talk to me on the third day, telling me the latest news from San Francisco, my mind cut out entirely.

The static remained for days...flavored in flashes of moving scenery, movies shown on flights between Calgary and Montreal and Berlin, images on the vid player one of the seers gave me, hotel rooms and, let’s face it...a hell of a lot of alcohol.

Through it all, the feeds ran.

I couldn’t block it all out, no matter how much I tried to kill my mind.

Some cult started worshipping me. The cult’s followers petitioned for space on the US feed network and got denied because of my terrorist status, causing a wave of sensationalist headlines both for and against. There had been protests. At least one actual riot happened, too, apparently in Los Angeles and mostly between Christians and human Third Mythers.

Seers got dragged into it, too, of course. I saw pictures of a young female seer being beaten with tasers and pipes. The newscasters on the feeds clucked about it in regret, but none put down their cameras long enough to stop the men doing it—men who would never be able to afford a seer like her, even for a few hours.

Rumors spread about me being the Bridge.

Black market feeds had whole sites devoted to me and Revik. Human women loved Revik, especially after it got out that we’d been married. It didn’t seem to matter that he was dead.

World governments were already negotiating over rights to my telekinetic “powers.” The United States and China dominated the discussions, of course, but Russia, Germany, England and Japan vied to be allowed at the bargaining table too, hiding behind the veneer of scientific curiosity. Speculation erupted that I might have been impregnated. Telekinetic rumors and rumors of sightings spread, more so after I was officially blamed by SCARB for the sinking of Royal Faire cruise ship, The Explorer. People who lost loved ones in the bombing posted bounties, wanting me neutralized...dead or alive, but preferably dead.

The feeds fed on the hysteria, fanned it.

More people went missing, presumed dead.

One was my brother, Jon. Another was Cass, who I’d known almost as long as my adoptive brother. Cass and I had finger-painted together while Cass’s mom worked and her father drank. By high school, Cass had her own section of my closet. Every year she celebrated two of every holiday, one at my place and one with her mom and dad and her deadbeat Uncle Phan.

With the last two people in my family gone, I didn’t much care what the world thought of me, or even if I survived it.

Weeks passed. Longer.

I wait for sleep. I crave it, but it doesn’t help.

I can’t reach him, no matter how often he asks. The asking hurts, more than the other ever did, and I feel him in pieces...a darker feeling that is self-hate, emotions that are infinitely more complex.

Still, he doesn’t feel alive.

The numbers return. They are separate from him, but connected somehow. I dream of my father, the engineer. He jokes that numbers are our secret language, so we can speak to one another in code. They are an autistic’s mantra, a broken song I can’t get out of my head.

...17, 10, 42, 12, 1, 57, 12, 20, 332, 178, 12, 102, 9, 13, 15, 2, 2, 2...

I AM SOMEWHERE else.

I’d never been here before, but it felt familiar somehow, or maybe just closer in feel to places I recognized. After the clean, picturesque towns, mountains and chateaus where we’d spent the last few weeks in Europe, the grittiness of this new place felt almost...welcome.

Circling cities to avoid detection, we’d been traveling through farmlands and villages for months. We’d stopped in safe houses to sleep. Churches, warehouses, hotels, mosques, a winery in the hills, a bombed out Jewish temple. I told myself I didn’t know what was worse: the nights I wasn’t able to sleep, or having to suffer through the dreams and waking when I could.

But that was a lie, too.

I missed him by the time we hit the next construct, by the time I could dream again. I missed him, looked for him, and when I found him, we would...

Here it was dirty, loud, colorful, hot, poor, crowded.

I walked up a dirt and stone street where a mound of brightly-colored trash covered an open sewer grate, stinking already at seven o’clock in the morning. A shrine draped in winking Christmas lights and gold foil stood in a crack between buildings, a monkey god cavorting among flowers and stick fruit covered in buzzing flies. A caramel-colored cow stood chewing over a pile of rotting greens and egg cartons and chicken bones.

When I paused to pat its backside, it didn’t look up.

Most of my face was wrapped in gauzy cream cloth, but I nodded anyway to a monk in red robes on his way up the street, wearing sunglasses and carrying an espresso in his hand. I felt oddly content with the horrible smells of human excrement and rotting melon and maggot-covered meat. Even with the stench slowly heating in the morning sun, for some reason I felt like I could almost breathe here.

I chuckled at the next shrine, which held a picture of me covered in pink flower petals surrounded by white, paraffin candles. It was my high school end-of-year picture, and my hair had a streak of lime green in it...me and Cass’s idea of rebellion, which infuriated my mother at the time, since she’d already purchased a photo package to give pictures to all of our relatives. Because of the ban, real pictures were expensive as hell, and needed special permission. She still had a job back then, working for the post office, and she made me pay for the photos out of my meager tip money from an earlier crap job I had, which had taken months. It was probably the last time we really screamed at each other since my father...

I made my way up the hill, using the cane.

The mountains loomed over the town, breathtakingly tall, draped in snow and wisps of low-lying, fog-like clouds. Colorful prayer flags flapped in the breeze, hanging from wires sagging between buildings painted in bright greens and blues.

Most windows had no glass, just wooden shutters and tarps covering square openings. A black paw emerged from one of these as I watched, a second story window in a hotel with tables and chairs on a roof where people sat and drank hot chai, speaking Hindi and Tibetan and seer pidgin. Following the paw came the rest of a squat, tan-colored monkey. Its furred face remained etched in a frown despite the sticky piece of mango clutched in one paw. Gripping wooden slats with its free hand and feet, it climbed nimbly up to the roof.

When it reached the railing a yell pierced the early morning quiet, and a white-haired Indian woman swung at the monkey with a long-handled broom.

The monkey screeched and held his ground, still clutching the mango...and I laughed, watching the grumpy thing vault to the roof of a shack that housed the steaming chai pot from which a girl maybe twelve-years-old ladled tea.

“You’re awfully chipper,” said a voice beside me. “I’d have thought you’d be hung over after the quantities of bourbon you drank last night.”

The seer’s dry tone snapped me out of my view of the mountains behind the fat, ill-tempered monkey and the people on plastic chairs. I turned to see the same red-brown irises I’d been looking at for weeks.

“Yeah,” I said. “Guess I’ve got good genes for drinking until I black out.”

The female seer with the dark braids sniffed, but seemed content to have received an answer.

She folded her arms, gazing around us with some distaste.

“Didn’t Dehgoies explain how alcohol affects your light?” she said, for possibly the four hundredth time. “It’s a wonder the Rooks didn’t find us, with the flares you send out. Between that and...”

The lecture continued, but I heard little of the rest.

The pain slid forward as soon as she mentioned his name. When I allowed myself to go there, briefly, to look for him, a migraine sharpened behind my eyes, forcing me to stop and lean heavily on the cane I’d been using to help out my knee. I waited for the pain to pass, breathing in garbage and incense from a nearby storefront.

Chandre didn’t notice the change in me at first. She stopped when I stopped, still complaining to me about me as she glanced around at the wooden buildings. Another cow, this one a chocolate brown, wandered past, grinding its long jaw sideways. It lowed plaintively, twitching its tail.

“Welcome to Seertown of Himachal Pradesh, Bridge,” Chandre said after she’d finished her catalogue of my wrongdoings and ignorant, human ways. “...Sewer of the Himalayas.”

Seeing me leaning against the cane then, breathing unevenly, she snatched my fingers off my neck.

“Stop it. The humans are staring!”

I laughed, unable to help it when I realized it was a variation of the crap my mom’s status-obsessed sister would spew at me when she visited us in San Francisco. I saw a man in a doorway looking at me, holding a straw broom that looked handmade and wearing a sweat-stained fedora. His upper body was wrapped in a colorful shawl.

He shook his head at me ruefully, clucking his tongue.

“They think I’m high,” I said. “I’m a bad Buddhist...a decadent white woman. Who cares?”

Chandre’s mouth hardened. “I am sorry for your family, Bridge. But you cannot continue to dwell on the loss of them, or of your mate. You must focus on the task at hand.”

“Which is what, exactly?” I said. “Avoiding ringworm?”

But my words just filled space while my eyes rose to take in the mountains.

Even here, I felt it. The world was dying.

It might even be more pronounced here, where remnants of the old remained, where I could feel how things used to be, even if I’d never experienced them myself. I gazed down to the street below, where a nun in dark red robes herded a cluster of Asian kids in black and white uniforms across the cracked blacktop. I assumed they must be human, anyway, since I’d still not seen a single seer child, and had been told I wouldn’t, not here.

The numbers rotated over the woman’s shaved head like a disjointed countdown, floating in and out of the lights of the children.

6, 6, 120, 123, 2, 8, 88, 99, 40, 4, 2, 4, 6, 29, 29, 32, 4, 2...

I forced myself to speak, although I didn’t look away from the nun. “How far is it?”

“You tell me,” Chandre said. “Use your light for something useful for once.”

I frowned, glancing at her. “My light? The town is a construct?”

Chandre rolled her eyes. “No Rook comes here, Bridge. It is by treaty that they stay away. We are safe now...I told you that.”

I gave her a skeptical look, but kept quiet.

The Seven certainly put a lot of stock in treaties, for all the good it had done them.

Hearing voices raised nearby, I turned, saw a cluster of men dressed in Muslim garb talking excitedly to an Indian man on a bicycle who shook his head, making broad negative gestures with his hands. It took me a second to realize he was a seer, and owned. The metal collar around his neck was so filthy I almost hadn’t seen it under his stained shirt. While I watched, a man in a police uniform came up, waving what looked like a homemade nightstick. The seer cowered, holding up his hands. Watching him pedal away on his bicycle, I frowned.

“Well?” Chandre said. “Will you lead us, or not?”

I looked at her, startled, then realized what she meant and laughed.

Limping away from her stare, I maneuvered the cane up the hill.

The number of storefronts diminished as we climbed higher, and the mud-brick apartment buildings and houses grew piled one on top of another, colorful and strangely cave-like against the hills. Prayer flags waved beside shrines for gods with aura-like headdresses. I saw more pictures of me, even a graffiti drawing of my profile with words in Tibetan and the art-like, slanting characters from the seer language, Prexci.

Paths wound up into the forest and back into the town on either side of the road as we climbed higher into the Himalayan foothills. The street deteriorated from crumbling asphalt to packed dirt, and the trees hung closer to the buildings.

The flavor of the town began to change as well.

Seer religious graffiti grew more dominant, along with a greater number of plastic bottles, used condoms and broken glass. I saw groups of Asian-looking girls in clusters on wooden stoops, drinking beer and wearing torn silk dresses next to men with greasy hair and jeans stiff with dirt. Most of the men wore plaid, long-sleeved shirts and scarves around their heads. It took a few minutes of looking before I noticed the metal collars. They laughed, passing bottles as the occasional Indian or Tibetan tromped up the wooden steps, leading one of the females inside, or sometimes one of the males.

As we passed, those left on the stairs noticed me and Chandre and stared.

We were nearly all the way past the building when a handsome man who looked to be in his twenties spoke up.

“Freedom is good, yes?” He spoke loudly, in heavily-accented English. “Tell your friend Vash that, eh?” He thumbed his collar towards me. “See what his peace love shit has gotten us.” He raised his voice as Chandre and I walked further up the hill. “Tell him to bring the Bridge here, yes? Tell him we need some of her justice in India!”

The others laughed. One woman made a violent hand-gesture in my direction, then slapped the man next to her on the back of his head for staring at my body through the dark pants and scarves I wore.

The man sitting next to the couple laughed harder, spilling his beer.

A few seers in our contingent walked over to them, speaking that pidgin seer tongue and offering them cigarettes and vodka. I knew it was partly to distract them from me, but I couldn’t stop myself looking back over my shoulder at those seers sitting there, on the dilapidated stoop. I got a sudden flash of Revik lounging on those steps, a younger Revik maybe, with a rounder face and eyes that hadn’t yet developed the same faraway look.

Chandre clicked at me to stop me staring.

“Vash feeds them,” she said. “He does what he can.”

I nodded, glancing back a last time as I trudged up the hill.

She added, “Fighting the humans overtly would only worsen their situation. It would bring death and pain to all of us, Bridge.”

“Sure,” I said, not wanting to argue.

“You don’t know anything,” she snapped. “You are a child...raised by worms! What could you know of this? You have not seen war yet.”

I didn’t bother to answer.

When we reached the top of the rise, I stopped before a storefront with cracked windows and wooden steps with peeling, sky-blue paint. I stared through the dusty glass, knowing only that I felt compelled to stop there, not really thinking about why yet.

Moving to stand beside me, Chandre folded her arms, giving me a grudging nod.

“Good,” she said. “Your tracking has finally improved.”

My eyes fixed on a picture of a guru-type old man in sand-colored robes with hands at prayer position at his chest. A handwritten sign said in English, “Hot Meals 20 Rupee! Free meditation and yoga!” Under the sign stood a three-foot Ganesha statue with a garland of pink and white flowers. More petals stuck to statues of Indian gods, only a handful of which I recognized or could name. Wooden prayer beads draped the back wall of the display case beside a painting of a blue and gold sun intersected by a white sword.

I saw a Buddha sitting towards the back, too, and smiled.

Part of it belonged to the mish-mash that is India, I knew, but the absurdity of mixing a godless religion with a multi-theistic one struck me as a uniquely seer mistake.

It occurred to me to wonder if seers believed in gods, or a God.

Revik had said “gods” or “d’ gaos” like someone might say “shit,” which didn’t tell me much about his actual beliefs.

My eyes went back to the picture of the man in the sand-colored robes. His dark eyes shone from an aged but somehow unlined face.

“Vash,” I muttered. “Jesus.”

“Not quite.” Chandre’s quip had an edge. “Do not let his face to the humans deceive you. The rent must be paid. Even in Seertown.”

She yanked open the wooden screen door.

Without answering, I followed her into a larger and cleaner foyer than I’d expected.

Tiled in black stone, the room stretched deeper out over the side of the mountain than I’d expected, as well. Wooden baseboards and paneling accented the white walls with deep-toned hardwood, water damaged in parts but gleaming from recent polish. An old-fashioned fan stuttered in a window next to a mural of the Tibetan Potala in Lhasa, done in painstaking detail and with another of those gold and blue suns shining over the plateau. A green copper lamp hung from the ceiling before a wide staircase.

Directly inside the door stood a low desk, crafted of the same heavy, dark wood as the baseboards. A bowl of river stones and a candle were its only ornaments.

Behind it, a young Caucasian man with a shaved head and orange robes sat in a folding chair. The way his eyes lit up in wide-eyed eagerness told me he was probably human.

“Can I help you, sisters?” He looked at me first. Spotting Chandre then, he did a double-take, and grinned. “Sister Chandre! India has missed you, my friend!”

I raised an eyebrow in Chandre’s direction, fighting a smile.

Ignoring me, she bowed to the human, her hands at prayer position.

“Hello, James, and peace. We have an audience with the Teacher.”

James beamed. “Lucky you! Shall I call ahead?”

“That won’t be necessary,” she said. “But thank you.”

I stared at her, mouth open in disbelief.

Chandre called humans “worms” most of the time, when she wasn’t ordering them around like robots programmed to do her bidding. She gave me a cold look, motioning for me to follow her up the stairs. I bowed awkwardly to cousin James right before I did. The whole bowing thing was pretty weird to me still.

Once we’d climbed a few steps, Chandre spoke under her breath through gritted teeth.

“We are in a construct now. I would appreciate if you kept your thoughts civil.”

“Sure,” I said agreeably.

I felt her irritation through the construct and smiled.

At the top of the stairs stood an opening in the wall covered with a tapestry of yet another sprawling blue and gold sun, bisected by a white sword. Grasping one edge of the heavy cloth, Chandre slipped through the opening she created and vanished.

After a bare hesitation, I followed.

I straightened inside a low-ceilinged room covered in bamboo mats.

Open windows revealed a dramatic view of the Himalayas and a tree-filled valley housing the rest of Seertown, covered over in prayer flags like a roosting flock of brightly colored birds. Against the wall, a handful of collar-less seers wore Western clothes, talking silently amongst themselves and gesturing with their hands.

Closer to me and the door, another group of seers stood in a loose ring, wearing sand-colored robes. The man from the framed picture stood in the middle.

He turned as I dropped the tapestry behind me, staring at me. His eyes shone a piercing black, utterly still, yet carrying so much light I found it difficult to hold his gaze.

Without waiting, he crossed the ten or twelve feet to the door.

I took in his angular, unlined face, a little taken aback by his height. I didn’t move until he pulled me in his arms, lifting me off the floor. Squeezing me tightly and then letting go, he laughed aloud at my strangled sound, his teeth straight and white, dark eyes bright with tears as he drank in my face.

“You are here at last!” he said in perfect English, patting my shoulder in an awkward overflow of emotion. “I am very, very pleased! Very pleased!”

I could only nod, stunned by his tears.

“You are welcome here,” he said. “Most welcome!”

I felt my face warm, fumbled with something to say that wouldn’t be completely inappropriate...

And heard a derisive snort.

I turned my head towards the sound.

Amongst the seers wearing Western clothing and sitting by the wall, a male in a black T-shirt with shoulders like a gymnast watched me with Vash, his full mouth curled in an ironic frown. I felt his light on me and flinched. My cheeks flushed at what lived in that single, darting probe. Feeling my reaction, that same male gave me a sideways smile, glancing at the two seers sitting beside him, who stopped staring at me long enough to smile with him.

The first one’s light stayed by me though.

I felt him explore, felt a flicker of surprise from him at what he found, but couldn’t interpret its meaning. When I met his gaze the second time, his chocolate-brown eyes shifted away. He nodded to Chandre in passing as she sat among them, and the moment ended.

Glancing up at Vash, I saw a hint of a smile in his black eyes.

“You must be very tired,” he said kindly.

“You have no idea,” I said.

THAT NIGHT I curled up on a foam mattress on the floor.

A sheet lay over me, covered in sheep and cow skins, soft and warm and smelling comfortingly of animal. Through the wooden slats of the windows over where I lay, I could see mountains framed by moonlight and white clouds, stars just visible at the edges of the moon’s glow. Monkeys called to one another occasionally in the trees, screeched and scuffled over the roofs, their black paws scoring the bamboo.

Mostly, though, it was quiet.

Lying there in the dark, feeling crippled me, more than I’d had to contend with in what felt like months. Maybe being in the home of a bunch of monks, stationary at last––and sober for a change––I should have expected for things to come crashing down on me. Even so, I couldn’t help feeling like I’d been stripped naked with a paring knife and left to feel every breeze and drop of sweat over my open wounds.

The construct exuded a simple warmth that worsened the feeling. Even the Himalayas amplified it, until something inside me started to unclench, so quickly and effortlessly that I couldn’t pull back the threads.

By the time the monkeys’ footsteps receded, the middle of my chest throbbed as it had on those cold shores in Alaska.

I couldn’t breathe, but my mind remained dead silent.

The moon rose, and I was still awake, despite being exhausted. I lay there and watched as the valley filled with a soft, penetrating light.

Somewhere in that silence, I started to cry.

Once I started, it was difficult to stop.

 

...YET SOMEHOW, I am asleep.

I find him easier this time.

He seems almost to be waiting for me.

He is alone here, as he always is. Just like every time before, I feel him, but I can’t quite reach where he is. He floats like a corpse surrounded by gray curtains, and we touch one another through the morphing fabric, fighting to get closer, but we can’t.

Before I understand where we are, we are kissing, like we are most of these nights.

I feel him more once we start, but it’s not enough...it’s never enough. Our mouths are careful, hands and fingers deliberate through the same thin fabric. When I slide into his light this time it is fast, a slow groan before he opens, letting me nearer than usual, until I almost feel him, until he seems almost real. He is pulling on me then, asking me, but I can’t...

I can’t give him what he wants.

A kind of desperation grips me. He wants to give me things, too. He tries, in his own way. Images and sensations weave into his light, his legs between mine, his weight on me, until it feels like he’s inside me, like we are...

But it will only make things worse when he leaves.

I’m tired of this. Tired of fighting and losing him. Tired of looking and never being sought. He left me. He left me before he left. He enters me now like a thief, because I’m all he has.

He pauses, raising his head.

...and the man with the chocolate-brown eyes stares back, only now he isn’t smiling.

Lowering his head, he kisses me without hesitation, picking up where Revik left off. It feels different, and not only because I don’t know him. The curtain evaporates, revealing warm light...a different body, less-cautious hands, unambiguous intent.

His arms and chest are larger, his hands smaller, his lips fuller, his tongue thicker. The way he kisses is different. He doesn’t wait for me to ask, barely waits for my answer. His hand slides into the crook of my knee, fingers caressing my thigh as he pulls my leg around his waist. He is inside me, and I hear him groan. He kisses me again...

I feel him breathing hard in the dark, in another room, naked under rough skins, and I know suddenly that it’s not all a dream.

Somewhere, Revik watches. I know it’s not real, that he’s not here anymore.

He’s dead...I know that.

Yet somehow, it still feels like a betrayal.