Commitment

Question: how do you get a gay man to run screaming for the hills?

Answer: mention the ‘C word’.

Question: What do lesbians do on the second date?

Answer: Sign a joint-tenancy agreement.

OK, these are stereotypes but they’re a good starting point for asking some important questions of your relationship. Civil partnership is a big step and as such we wouldn’t recommend you go about it like Britney Spears in a Las Vegas wedding shop. If you’re reading this, the likelihood is that you’re in a strong relationship and with any luck neither of you has any doubts about your future together. But the keys to a healthy, long-lasting partnership are trust and communication, and it’s always worth assessing the nuts and bolts of your relationship, especially as you are constantly evolving and adapting. This chapter is intended to help you evaluate your relationship and ensure you are both travelling in the same direction.

are we getting married?

A civil partnership is similar to a traditional heterosexual marriage, bestowing legal rights and also moral responsibilities on couples. The key difference between a civil partnership and marriage is that you can’t hold your ceremony in a church. The positive way of looking at this is that it is another opportunity to rewrite the wedding rulebook and celebrate your union in a unique way. But you might also want to question whether you are both imagining a future together that mirrors the traditional concept of marriage, growing together in a home of harmonious monogamy.

Are you taking the first steps towards exchanging rings at your civil partnership ceremony and at the same time promising faithfully never to sleep with another person? Are you both picturing a future together where you never take a holiday without the other, perhaps even never wake-up without the other by your side? Are you considering living together or can you both accept the idea of living apart? We are not for a moment sneering at monogamous love here – simply suggesting that you’re as open and frank with each other as possible about what kind of relationship you want. Everybody is different, and different couples stay together (and, yes, grow apart) in different ways. Monogamous wedlock is actually a relatively modern European concept that by no means applies to all of humanity. Divorce statistics reveal that it also does not work for a great many modern Europeans and perhaps the model needs a few honest, forward-thinking updates to work for you.

Moving too fast

For some, it may seem easy to say your versions of ‘I do’ when the likes of Elton and David have thrown themselves at warp speed to the nearest registry office. A combination of this sense of civil partnership gold rush and reading too many OK! magazine wedding specials may have you thinking this must be the right time for you also. But it might also be that once the party is over, and your friends suddenly stop calling because they don’t want to interfere, you are left alone to grapple with the enormity of ‘marriage’.

Understanding responsibility

Entering a legal partnership, like marriage, is a daunting task: a lottery of life with no guarantees and no one handing out instructions. It will differ from your no doubt extensive experience of dating or living with your partner because it is a legal contract involving a life-long commitment, depending upon a self knowledge and confidence that few of us feel we have. Even couples that have been together for years find it hard, because suddenly the rules have changed. Just as in heterosexual marriage, you will, at your civil partnership ceremony be asked whether you are prepared to support your partner in sickness and health, good times and bad. Are you? In absolute honesty, are you sure they’ll be there for you?

Arguments

Arguments are inevitable at some time. Suddenly things that didn’t matter start to matter, because you are cementing paving stones for the future. What you agree now will be relevant in 10 or 20 years’ time. Everything has to be sorted out. Who does the washing up, whose parents you’ll visit at Christmas and how often your partner can go out with his or her awful but cherished friends. Will one of you be prepared to take on the role of traditional wife cooking a meal every night? Or do you expect your partner to share this duty? This might sound petty, but the more these issues are discussed prior to your ceremony, the better chance you will have at success. It’s often the build-up of petty squabbles that break a relationship.

The big questions

But you might also want to consider the bigger questions. Does either of you want to have kids? And if so, how – adoption, artificial insemination, surrogacy or natural impregnation? If one of you has a drunken shag with a work colleague in a toilet cubicle, do you want them to be honest and tell you? Will it mean it’s over? If one of you has a long-term affair, what emotions would the other go through? Use the planning of your civil partnership as an excuse to debate these difficult issues honestly – and if you hear things you don’t want to hear don’t fly off the handle. If you’ve got this far, the chances are you can go a lot further together, but you might be surprised by how much you still have to learn about each other.

what is commitment?

Whatever structure a relationship takes, all rely on some form of commitment. A civil partnership cements that commitment, but what exactly is your commitment? Are you saying ‘I will stand by you no matter what’; that ‘I will catch you whenever you fall’? Or that you always want the best for each other, that you want to help each other grow? If a relationship is to stand a chance, people must make their own commitments between themselves about goals and expectations, as individuals and as partners or lovers.

Your commitment

Ask yourself the following five questions:

If you find that you mainly make commitments to yourself, or that you make them to others but don’t take them seriously, you may need to evaluate your decision to enter into a civil partnership. If you generally make commitments and honour them by doing your best to keep them, you’re already streets ahead.

the modern meaning of commitment

Unfortunately, commitments made by their partners nowadays don’t always mean what they used to. When we talk about love and commitment, we are really talking about attaching to or connecting with people and things. We connect to ideals and beliefs, to families, circles of friends, co-workers and pets. However, when the connection is poor, it can make us feel truly miserable. The lack of meaningful connections or attachments in our lives causes loneliness and despair.

Making a commitment

When we make a commitment to another person, we are making the agreement to be present and available, physically, mentally and emotionally. This is a key issue when remembering the long-term implications of forging a civil partnership. You will make agreements with your partner by exercising your personal choice. You communicate directly about what you will do, how you will behave, what your partner can reasonably expect from you and what you are willing to be held accountable for.

What is accountability?

Being held accountable means accepting responsibility for the results of our choices, decisions and behaviour, rather than blaming others or external factors. Individuals who believe they are in charge of the quality and direction of their lives, rather than victims of circumstance, have the ability to move forward. They focus on solutions, not problems, and they move forward towards the goals and commitments of their shared vision and purpose, both as individuals and as a couple.

Successful commitments

Couples who have clarified their own personal values, and individual and joint goals have a stronger foundation from which to commit their agreements and achieve more consistent and satisfying results. Success is almost a certainty when both partners keep their agreements, and conversely couples are at risk if one person doesn’t keep to his or her agreements.

Sharing goals

Besides agreeing to work on issues that are important to the both of you, it is important to recognise your differences, and make a commitment to respect these differences. A major part of your commitment to one another will be harbouring each other’s interests and life aims. As legal partners, you both share a keen interest in each other’s professional and financial goals for the future.

Being prepared

Although you have agreed and accepted each other’s goals, think about what might happen if your partner does not reach them. Imagine a scenario in which your partner has been out of employment for a considerable amount of time; would you be willing and able to support them financially?

You are both human, so it is therefore possible for one or both of you to step outside the boundaries of what you see as acceptable at any given time. This doesn’t mean the relationship is automatically over, unless one of you makes that decision on your own. That is why it is important to be prepared with your commitment for all possible eventualities.

Take a look at this scenario and think about your reactions honestly. Your partner develops a serious illness. The physical illness becomes so stressful to your relationship that it becomes destructive. What do you do?

There are no right or wrong answers. Be honest and frank and think about what you would feel if faced with this life situation in the next few years. Not being able to take on the task of looking after a loved one who is seriously ill does not make you a bad person.

This exercise is helpful in understanding the absolute idea of commitment. Talk with your partner about other scenarios that you might have problems with, such as them having a drunken one-night stand with somebody else, having a secret affair or getting into serious trouble with the law. Of course, you cannot predict your emotional responses to a real situation, but just thinking and talking about potential deal-breakers will help you be more sure of your feelings and the parameters of your relationship.

What will change?

For couples that have already been together for a considerable amount of time prior to their civil union, it might simply be a case of no change after the ceremony. But for many there is a high chance that your relationship will change. A civil partnership can create fear of change and, as with all fears, this can be destructive. Suddenly, by being involved in this partnership you are making decisions about your future together that will affect two people. So what was once your decision becomes a mutual one.

living hell or harmony at home?

If you and your partner already live together, there are unlikely to be any surprises once you officially become partners. You may also continue to live separately. But for those who have yet to live together, it is worth considering a few facts on cohabiting with your partner.

The good, the bad, the avoidable

You may decide to settle in together because you see it as the next natural step in your relationship. The problem is, you might not be ready for it. Only when it is too late will you realise you’ve moved too fast. The important thing to remember is that when you and your partner cohabit, you will ultimately see all the aspects of his or her personal life, not just the pretty side. On a more optimistic note, this living situation will bring you closer together. You may start to enjoy your partner’s strange little habits as opposed to letting it get on your last nerve. It’s the little things that make a relationship last the long run.

preparing to live together

If you are not already living together, you should give some thought to how it will impact on your relationship. It is different, so don’t go into it without thinking about it carefully and talking about how you will each react in this new domestic set-up.

Make it your own place

Remember that the furniture and design of the place should involve joint discussions. Learn to compromise, but don’t allow yourself to be beaten on every decision.

Maintain your mystique

The idea here is for both of you to become comfortable with each other at a gradual pace. It is not wise to show all your good and bad qualities at once.

Share the responsibility

Splitting up the chores should be second choice to alternating the tasks, so that both of you get your hands dirty. This will in turn allow both of you to put equal amounts of effort into the whole process of housekeeping.

open relationships

A recent poll of the sexual activity of European nations showed that Britons were the most likely to be unfaithful to their partners. The results stated that eight out of ten women and six out of ten men admitted they had cheated on a long-term partner. Yet the deceit and dishonesty that goes hand-in-hand with infidelity is still one of the biggest causes of heartbreak and failure within a relationship. Does this mean that those ‘forward thinkers’ – or ‘loose sluts’, depending on your viewpoint – among the gay community who favour open relationships are on to something? With the introduction of civil partnerships, now might be the time to re-evaluate the age-old question: do open relationships work in the long term and what are the benefits and drawbacks?

Jealousy or paranoia?

The major fear in any relationship, but particularly an open relationship, is abandonment. If you allow other people to have sexual access to your partner you worry that they might steal him or her from you. One thing that you don’t initially allow for either is the element of competition. You can worry that your partner is getting the far better end of the deal going off every night with someone new, while you’re stuck at home with a Pot Noodle because you consider yourself less attractive. The amount of communication necessary to overcome these problems is greater than in a heterosexual relationship and can be draining.

What if you’re already in one?

Boundaries aren’t static; they may need to change over time. This requires both of you to acknowledge and continually review what you expect of each other as the relationship grows. For example, even if you had both initially wanted and agreed to an open relationship, a few years later one of you might find that you have changed your mind. That means revisiting the earlier, agreed commitment.

Negotiate

You can’t demand boundaries in advance or impose them on your partner, since you don’t have the right to be in charge of the other person. You have to negotiate with them. People who try to impose on their partner tend to have short-lived relationships. People want to be loved and cared for, not controlled or ordered. If you are already committed to an open-relationship, don’t be afraid to bring up the option of change, now that you are to enter a civil partnership.

communicate

There is no magic formula that will guarantee a perfect relationship, but making sure that you and your partner are able to talk openly and honestly with each other could solve a lot of problems down the road. If you’re already in a relationship that lacks communication, there is good news: anyone can learn good communication skills. There are books, courses, and counselling designed to help couples improve their relationships through better communication.

go forth and pioneer!

As we said before, civil union for same-sex couples has no real tradition to speak of. Commitment, however, is a common thread that is essential to any legally recognised union. Above all, for a lasting commitment to your partner, you need to learn about and practise forgiveness, when your partner makes mistakes, is unfair or even hurtful. We all make mistakes. If we expect our partner to tolerate and accept our mistakes, we must also forgive out partner’s mistakes. You are part of a momentous change in society and there isn’t much of a script to help guide you, so there will undoubtedly be times when you slip up. Just remember that you’re both learning the ropes.

top tips for a lasting and committed civil partnership

your compatibility guide checklist

This checklist is all about assessing your compatibility on key areas. You don’t necessarily need to have the same vision and approach to all facets of your lives, but it is good to know where you stand and where you agree to disagree. Each partner should mark each area on a scale of 1-10 in private. Then compare your marks together. The more honest you are, the more valuable this will be as basis for building a strong relationship. Don’t just write down what you think your partner will want to see; a bit of ego bruising now is better than a broken heart later. Try and see the funny side of your assessments and give practical reasons for your marks.

VOX POP

Colin, 57, and Peter, 53, Stoke-on-Trent

‘We’ve been together for 30 years. Coming together when we did things weren’t easy. Public displays of affection were forbidden but we’ve managed to have a successful and monogamous relationship for all this time. Having said that, who knows if things would have been different in this generation … there is a lot more choice, and commitment doesn’t seem to be all that fashionable with the kids! Growing up when I did, marriage, or a union as we would call this now, is for life. My partner and I already know about commitment and our civil partnership just confirms it all on the legal side. It takes a lot of understanding, especially of expectations, but the most important thing I’ve found is to make sure your love is unconditional. I know whatever happens to my partner, I’ll always be there by his side.’

CELEBRITY WEDDING

Elizabeth Taylor went through seven husbands, one of whom, Richard Burton, she re-married to make eight weddings in total. Of course, you could take the view that a civil partnership is for life.