The Stag and Hen Nights

The majority of gay and lesbian people in the UK are no strangers to pubs and clubs, proudly doing their bit to strengthen the stereotype of being the life, soul and corroded liver of the party. Indeed, there is this mythical suggestion that people who fall in love with their own sex are somehow the most sophisticated creatures that have ever prowled the night. And perhaps there’s a smidgen of truth in that as we have, so far, gone largely untainted by that heterosexual rite of passage, the stag or hen night. Yes, although our social whirl may in reality be more Canal Street than Cabaret, the majority of us have avoided tearing down the curry house, singing football songs in a lap-dancing club before being tied naked to a lamppost. And as for the men ...

Just as your civil partnership is all about you, so you have every opportunity to rewrite the rule-book when it comes to the stag or hen night. Since it’s likely that you share mutual friends of both genders there’s a good chance that, like Elton and David, you’ll want to spend the night together. You might also want to rewrite the name for your interpretation of the tradition.

One young couple, spoken to during the research of this book, marked their pre-marital blow-out with a ‘Hag Night’ in which all members of the party made themselves look as hideously unrecognisable as possible, a kind of grotesque version of a masked ball. Many will seek a more sophisticated way to mark the occasion – perhaps a weekend away with treasured friends – while others might base the event around cleansing mind, body and soul at a spa retreat. Whatever you do, this is an event to be creative with and to enjoy, even if you don’t necessarily remember it!

what type of stag/hen?

Depending what floats your boat, you will no doubt have different ideas of what constitutes an ideal stag/hen night. Perhaps if you are the slightly more mature gay couple you would prefer a quiet relaxing night in alone together, or if you’re young and irresponsible a chaotic night out down Canal Street. Either way, discuss this and decide early exactly what type of stag/hen do you are aiming for. This will make the rest of your plans fit into place.

do it together?

Elton and David certainly did – but will you? Deciding to spend the event separated or together will ultimately dictate the mood/theme of your stag or hen. Going it alone may well open the door to some X-rated fun, while spending the night together might mean you veer towards something more intimate and special.

Pros of going it alone

Cons of going it alone

who’s in charge?

The first tradition with a stag or hen night is that it’s mainly your friends or, in particular, a best friend who organises it for you. If you are planning on giving the responsibility to a friend, however, it might be worth lending this book to that person so they can look over the advice themselves. Unless you are in the position to trust this friend absolutely with the honour, you might find yourself fretting about their preparations, so it’s worth setting a few guidelines before they begin. It’s best to decide early on who will be the party leader, someone who knows the exact itinerary of your night, someone who has extra cash if there’s any trouble and finally someone who can look after you when you’re drunk.

cost sharing

Alternatively, you and your partner may decide to split the cost of the celebrations between you to make things stretch that little further. Or one of you may consider paying for the whole thing, if perhaps the other partner has taken care of most of the reception and ceremony so far. Of course, you may have friends who state up front that they want to pay for everything.

whom to invite

Depending on what your plans are, it is wise to have a rough idea of how many friends you will be inviting. You probably need a minimum of 10-12 and then onwards and upwards, depending on the scale of the evening. If it’s a bar/club atmosphere, it will be easier to invite more guests than it will if you are doing an activity. Inevitably there will be the question of who gets on with whom, which can be tricky if it means not inviting certain people. Do your best not to let bitter rivals spoil your evening. An event like this could bring a distant group of friends back together.

Friends reunited

You might consider inviting friends from your school or college days, university, old home town, etc. It won’t be everyday they’ll get an invite to such a special event as an old friend’s civil partnership, and if anyone does have any serious issues with ‘gay marriage’ then the chances are they’ll turn the invitation down rather than turn up and start a rumpus.

The ex factor

Inviting exes to your stag do could put you into a Catch 22 situation. On the one hand it is an opportunity to show how amazingly better off you’re doing since you last saw him/her, whilst on the other it brings the danger of upsetting your current partner. Either way, it is recommended not to overdose too heavily on ex-partners on your stag/hen do, as you’ll probably be dealing with enough drama just with your close friends.

Your parents

This may seem completely ridiculous at first, but your civil partnership is a huge sign of responsibility, finally securing your place in the adult social mantle. Enjoying your ‘last night of freedom’ is a must, but you might want to let your parents see what they’ve been missing all these years. After they’ve witnessed most of what goes on, they’ll be relieved that you’ve found someone and have decided to settle down!

set the date

Tradition recommends that the stag or hen be held two weeks before the actual wedding (usually to allow the groom to get untied from the lamppost or get a tattoo removed). But if you are like most gay men and women and are no stranger to a night out on the town, a daring suggestion would be to have it on the very night before the big day. Years of clubbing experience will have surely increased your partying tolerance by now. Whatever you decide, try not to change it once you’ve agreed. Let everybody know in good time so they can plan any special surprises they might have for you.

budget

Everyone’s financial position must be taken into account when planning your stag/hen do. It may be a case of asking your friends to blow as much as they can afford on a weekend of mass carnage. Take this into account when choosing from the different options for your stag/hen do and don’t be afraid to ask your friends how much they will be willing to spend on a night out.

You could try and utilise a kitty policy for all purchases on your stag night. If you have decided on a party leader at this stage, then make them the treasurer. Having a kitty will have notable advantages:

enjoy it.

treat your friends

You love your friends and they love you – although they might not love you so much after they wake up £500 lighter and in need of a liver transplant. So before you go out with all your mates, demanding money to be poured into the drinks kitty, it might be worth realising exactly how much your guests will be forking out on the event as a whole. Maestro debit cards brought out a study claiming stag dos cost at least £30 more than hen dos, and further research has claimed that a national average of £300 per head is spent by guests on their married friends, so it’s easy to see how things could go overboard. Although traditionally friends of the stag not only organise it but also chip in and divide the expenses between them, surprise all your chums and plan it yourself.

top tips for a great night

pranks

Pranks are a tradition that many do not favour, though your friends could well be dying to stitch you up and may have already planned something for you. Why not play a prank on each other? Whether you are spending the night together or apart it will work either way. The main thing is to try arranging something both funny and original, you may want to tailor your own to your partner, here are some suggestions.

Trick him into thinking he’s ‘turned straight’

You or your friend’s partner should be in charge of making this happen. It involves getting the man in question absolutely legless until he can’t remember his own name. Get a female participant either a willing stranger or, better yet, a close friend to put him to bed. Whilst he’s asleep she will leave condoms across the bed and kiss marks across his body. And when he finally comes to and asks what the hell happened the girl should give a convincing speech before capturing his reaction on camera. (Exchange gender for a female.)

Strippers

Yes, it’s hardly original, but strippers dressed as police officers entering the stag venue usually raise a laugh, rather than accusations of sleaze.

Desertion

Leave the venue temporarily en mass when the guest of honour makes a trip to the toilet.

Personalised T-shirts

It’s easy and cheap to print up T-shirts with a personal joke and accompanying image that you expose halfway through the celebrations. OK, you’ll look like tourists in London, but this is all about good times, not glamour.

top tips for stag night novelties

push the boat out

If you have the money under control and reason that you’ll only be having the one stag night (we hope), why not push the boat out? Check out some ideas you may not have considered, such as going abroad or arranging an activities day.

Stag/hen weekends

Stag weekends have long been tradition and there’s nothing to stop you jumping on the gay bandwagon and taking your friends away for a wild weekend. Where civil union stag weekends may differ is that cheap tarts and cocktails in Malaga might not be what you had in mind, so try something a little more cultural. Stag groups don’t tend to choose cultural melting pots, favouring the cheaper Baltic states, such as Estonia and Latvia. This can work in the favour of the modern gay man; you are unlikely to get into bar room burping championships with rival groups and will also avoid disapproving stares from the locals.

top tips for weekends abroad

five ways to spend your stag night

If you want to do something more structured than just roaming from club to club, the following suggestions might give you some ideas.

Stag night: the rivals

One for those couples who really do share mutual friends: it’s war. This consists of painstakingly separating your friends into two groups, preferably of equal numbers. You then disperse into teams, e.g. Team Ben vs Team Jamie, who have to compete with each other to have the most outrageous stag night in history. Photographic evidence will play a big part here, as will video phone equipment and rendezvous meeting points to check up on all activities throughout the night.

Organise it for your other half

The simple way to deal with two stag nights, if you’ve decided to spend them apart, is to organise them for one another. That way you can be in complete control of what your partner gets up too, a great option for all control freaks. If you and your partner are of different ages you may have different ideas of having a good time, but you’ll know each other well enough by now to know what the other one likes best. If you are particularly brave, you will agree to keep all celebratory plans as a surprise.

Party and pamper

Partying and pampering on a stag weekend is usually the preferred option for brides-to-be, but this shouldn’t put off those who aren’t afraid to look after themselves. Book for either yourself and your partner or a few friends to have a day in a luxury spa. Treat yourself to a full body massage, steam rooms, facials and even a good old waxing. This will either serve to get you ready for a night out on the town or a sensible calm and cleanse before the big day.

Celebrity stag

If you want a night like Elton and David’s, well think again. Unless you are friends with the former president of America and most of the world’s A-List you’ll have a tough act to follow. However, it won’t be hard to create your own version of the celebrity stag do. Considering Elton held his at the London club Too2Much (available for hire) it shouldn’t be impossible to tempt a few C-listers and some press attention, depending on how extravagant your plans are. Remember to keep the guests happy with champagne and canapés.

Make it a quiet night one

This is ideal for those of you who are past your wild clubbing days and favour romantic evenings in together. Really break tradition and wait to see your friends and family at the party. Sit back and take stock of how far you’ve come and what a wonderful future you have in store. Stay in and cook with a classic DVD and a bottle of fine wine, have a candle-lit dinner for two or book a night in a luxury hotel. Whatever you do, make it just the two of you.

top tips for a traditional night

If you want to try your hand at irony during your stag celebrations, why not choose from some of the classic heterosexual stag night options and have a boys’ night out at one of the following?

be proud – be safe

The very last thing you want on your stag night is trouble. Depending on how you feel this may already dictate where you’d want to spend your stag party. We’ve come a long way, and now with civil partnerships we’re feeling increasingly on level footing with everyone else. Just be aware if you are not in a gay environment there will always be people ready to ruin the moment. There’s no shame in celebrating what should be the happiest day of your lives, so be proud; but be wary that we still live in a society where some people don’t like to see happiness in people different from them.

We’re not suggesting you will be the victim of a homophobic attack, but things can get out of hand when alcohol and emotions are running high. Look out for the following potential flashpoints and ensure they don’t join you on the night!

can you keep a secret?

This will only apply to those having separate stag nights we hope, but one time-honoured tradition is that whatever happens on the stag night, stays there! Any leaking of sensitive information is an absolute no-no, so make the silence is golden rule is clear to all your friends. Then all you have to do is remember to enjoy what will surely be one of the wildest nights of your (by now) professional partying careers!

celebrity wedding

Musicians Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown spent their stag and hen nights together in their usual hell-raising form, racking up bar bills and trashing a hotel suite. They went against tradition, so why can’t you?