The Guests

With the advent of civil partnerships, members of the gay community can now openly and publicly declare their love for one another in an ‘official’ way. For some individuals, this will involve coming out of the closet, if they had not been able to already. Therefore, it is important to consider the guest list carefully, making sure that news of the ceremony is well received among all the invited prospective guests. Invitations themselves require thought and deliberation, especially when it comes to friends and family. You must ensure you tell any friends and family members of your plans, if they are likely to hear about the event through mutual friends. Alternatively, you may choose to keep the ceremony fairly private and low key, so a substantial guest list will be unnecessary.

Having decided on the civil ceremony and reception, it’s time to pinpoint guest list details and keep numbers down according to budget and capacity restraints, particularly if you are having an engagement party, too. Getting together an address and contact notebook might be a handy place to start.

did you know?

In a traditional heterosexual wedding, the custom of the bride and groom surrounding themselves with a wedding party of close friends originated from an era when the bride was captured from her family. The groom gathered a group of supporters with him to divert the bride’s family while he whisked her away. Once the bride had been triumphantly captured, he sent his closest associate otherwise known as his best man to quell her family’s tempers. At the same time, the bride relied on close friends to console and ease her concerns in her new social set-up.

preparing the guest list

Preparing a guest list isn’t a simple task. Firstly you will usually have to compromise with your partner about just how many people can attend from both social groups. The size of your families is also a consideration. Additionally, you must usually allow for a ‘plus one’ where friends’ partners will be included. Often, both sets of parents, if invited, will want all family members in attendance, and this may present a logistical nightmare, depending on how large your family is. Friends may take precedence over family, and in this instance a great deal of tact and diplomacy must be exercised to avoid insult and resentment. If young children are not invited, their parents may have to find babysitters, which could be problematic. Although there may be people who will be upset at your decisions, be firm yet thoughtful to reduce stress levels and prevent any nasty arguments.

In the past, convention has dictated that the bride’s mother compiles the guest list in consultation with the groom’s parents. However, when it comes to a civil partnership, the person(s) footing the reception bill may be a more appropriate choice. As a general rule, 80 per cent of those invited will attend, so use that as a rough guide. Additionally, last-minute cancellations may allow you to invite anyone you were unable to include first time around. Make sure you send out any late invitations less than three weeks before the civil partnership, to avoid any embarrassing situations.

draft list

A draft guest list will help you to calculate approximate numbers and can concurrently be used for recording gifts from guests and those who are unable to attend the civil partnership. Have a rubber and pencil at the ready, or make sure you back up any Excel documents, as the first list may not be watertight. It’s a good idea to divide any drafts into three categories: definite, probable and possible. You may recall close friends and relations before considering work colleagues and acquaintances so double check before starting to compile the master list. Useful points of contact may include mobile phone and e-mail address books, and extra family contacts gleaned from your parents’ Christmas card list!

Relatives in the couple’s immediate family are usually included. Again, the same follows with aunts, uncles, cousins and stepfamily members. As a rule of thumb, try to make the guest list split 50/50 from both bride’s and groom’s sides to be as fair as possible. Of course, this will depend on the size of the families and whether good relations are maintained between your prospective spouse and his or her kin.

If the guest list is too long and you have over-exceeded the budget and any reception capacity restraints, you will need to cut it down. This will often be a selective process that may provoke a lively debate between parties. To help matters, you have the option of inviting friends to the evening celebration only, depending on how many parties you intend to have. If the ceremony venue is very limiting (which it may well be in many civil registry arenas), guests may be invited to the reception only. The registrar may also be invited with his or her spouse, if you wish.

In the case of a large civil partnership, where there will be in excess of 100 or more guests, a number of questions should be posed:

final list

When the draft list has been devised (with both sets of parents, if appropriate) and the timetable and budget checklists have been drawn up, it can be finalised with specific detail for those with any special dietary requirements. A percentage of guests might also be either vegetarians or vegans, so make sure you get it right! Exceptional consideration must also be given when it comes to ordering high chairs for young children and any necessary provisions for disabled guests. The final list must also include anyone who cannot be invited, but for whom a letter informing them of the civil partnership is deemed essential.

The final list will also help you to draft and send thank-you letters without having to compile an additional chart, in effect killing two birds with one stone. Acceptances and refusals should be tallied accordingly. It may be an idea to invite gift donors to dinner at some point after the civil partnership.

invitations Checklist

Repeat this mini-checklist for everyone on your guest list:

travelling guests

Hopping on a plane from Sydney to London to attend your big day? If any close relatives or friends are travelling some serious mileage to wish you happiness, make sure they feel appreciated! Prepare for their arrival thoroughly, and finalise any accommodation reservations, if necessary. It is also important to include them in any thank-you speeches, as a sign of courtesy. Your or your partner’s parents’ may offer them the option of staying at their house. However, some guests may prefer to stay in a hotel or guesthouse, so ensure they have detailed information of the locality. Provide them with maps, telephone numbers and any pre-ceremony festivities if relevant.

stationery

Your stationery gives you the opportunity to reach out to your guest and provide them with a first impression of your civil partnership. There may be speculation about the occasion, as it’s relatively new, so make your invitations clear and concise to dispel any myths or queries about your union. Choose a design that will reflect the tone and ambience of the day.

Pre-civil partnership stationery

Before you send out your civil partnership invitations, you might like to consider further stationery options. This could include invitations to your stag or hen nights; or rehearsal invitations, should you and your partner fancy a run-through to cast away any last-minute jitters.

Save-the-date cards

Save-the-date cards are a fabulous way of announcing the date of your civil partnership well in advance to make sure there are no untimely double bookings. This is particularly useful if the event is taking place in the summer, when people might be jetting off to foreign climes. These nifty cards are also useful for overseas guests who will need to plan their trip.

These cards are generally sent out around three to six months before a civil partnership, although you could send them out up to a year before, depending on how organised you are. Ideally, they should be compact and match the invitations that will follow. Send them out either in an envelope or online, whichever is easier for you. Depending on who is hosting the wedding, they should be sent either by the couple, or by the parents.

Bear in mind that you may not feel the need to send one to every guest, and that everyone who receives a card must be on your final guest list. Once you’ve asked them to keep the date free, you can’t cross them off the list!

Rehearsal dinner invitations

Following on from conventional wedding traditions, a civil partnership rehearsal can be held a few days or the day before the wedding. It is an opportunity to run through the words and moves of the day ahead of time.

Heterosexual etiquette dictates that the groom’s parents host a rehearsal dinner, which is held the night before the wedding, given as a courtesy to the bride’s parents, who host the wedding. Of course in the case of a civil partnership, it is up to both sets of parents (if invited) to decide who will host the dinner. Invitations to the rehearsal dinner are usually formal, but should be used as a guide to how you, your partner or the relevant ‘in-laws’ would like to be addressed.

While the rehearsal dinner should not compete with the civil partnership, it is usual for the invitations to complement the civil partnership invitations, but not match them. Invitations should be sent out around two weeks before the occasion.

selecting your civil partnership invitations

As a rule of thumb, invitations to heterosexual civil weddings have been designed with a modern twist. However, you can change the blueprint and come up with a design you feel comfortable with. A classic invitation is simply typed (no graphics), ideally engraved on good-quality white or cream card. The format is an upright, folded card with the wording on one side only. Black or silver lettering is the most popular. If you have chosen a traditional, specially printed or engraved card, the guest’s name is handwritten at the top left-hand side.

For themed weddings, you might choose to have invitations that complement the theme. For example, a Robin Hood themed wedding might come phrased with medieval English vernacular on a parchment or scroll-effect card.

where to shop and what to buy

Your stationery can be purchased from a number of sources. These include mail order, printer, stationers and stationery designers, or you can buy online. You might even decide to create your own stationery. Just be careful that your design does not clutter the basic details and contact information.

The variety of items and styles is often huge, so have a vague idea before you dive in. You might expect simply to choose the invitation style you want, and then have it printed and supplied with matching envelopes. Certainly in some instances this may be the case, but there are many other stationery items available that you might like to consider:

This list looks extensive, but don’t get carried away. If you decide to have everything on offer, your civil partnership will be saturated with stationery. Also, as cute as some of these items are, it’s not wise to splash out too heavily if you’re working to a tight financial plan. However, it should also be said that many of these items offer charming keepsakes and at least some are worth considering. They can also provide a wonderful way of continuing a theme for your wedding.

well-behaved guests

It’s not all about the couple, you know; guests have a crucial role to play in proceedings, too. If you feel that any of your guests need reminding, you could leave this book lying around open at this page, or just make a few suggestions on how you expect them to behave to make sure everything goes without a hitch.

personalised stationery

Personalised stationery is becoming very trendy and for those big on image, it’s a must-have luxury. For completely bespoke stationery, you could commission a stationery designer. This is one way of putting a personal touch to your plans, but bear in mind it will almost certainly take longer to deliver than pre-printed items. A first consultation with the designer should really take place around four or five months before the civil partnership.

Prices will naturally be higher than for mass-produced stationery, but by how much will depend on the amount of work involved, the quality of the paper used and the number of items ordered. It is vital to fix a deadline for completion and the price at the beginning, in order to avoid any unwarranted surprises.

Invitations

Invitations are accessible in virtually any design you choose and specialist companies can even offer you the option of having your invitation personalised by having a picture of your registry office/reception venue printed on them. Don’t forget that you will need separate invitations for those being invited to the evening reception only and there is also the choice of including response cards together with printed envelopes.

Reception stationery

Once you’ve chosen the theme of your wedding stationery, you can continue the same design throughout your reception, with tableware that will match the style of your invitations and can add a sense of erudition to your celebrations.

Place cards

Place cards are crucial if you have a seating plan, so that guests know where to sit. Names can be printed by printer or stationery designer or you might write them by hand.

Menu cards

Menu cards can be printed for the guests and placed on each table. However, you shouldn’t feel under any kind of obligation to provide them and this should be considered within the remit of your budget. Your hotel or reception venue may be able to supply these for you at a lower price, so do your homework.

Favour boxes

The tradition of giving bonbonnières to celebrate a special occasion dates back to early European history. They were given to celebrate marriages, birthdays and christenings by the wealthy aristocrats of the period. Each favour box (or even bag) traditionally contains sugared almonds symbolising health, wealth, happiness, fertility and long life. Often used as place settings, they make a wonderful way of saying thank you to your guests.

additional items

If all that isn’t enough, why not push out the ornate boat with monogrammed napkins, napkin rings, drink mats, matchbooks and thank-you cards? For a more unique, unusual touch why not try pre-printed ribbon, balloons and bottle labels. However, while all of these items may seem very attractive they can be an extravagant luxury and are certainly not essential items.

vox pop

How many guests do you want at your civil partnership?

Saffron Chaise, 26, dramatist

‘The more the merrier. I’m larger than life so I want a larger than life ceremony, please!’

Elizabeth Wilber, 29, corporate banker

‘I want lots of people at my civil partnership, all my friends, family and people who have meant a lot to me throughout the years.’