30: Parenting Adult Children
Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
DENISE AND I HAVE three adult sons. They now have families of their own, and I’m energized when one of my sons reaches out to me for counsel. I know I’m the parent, and so I must find balance between loving and accepting my sons and letting them go. Easy to write about, much more of a challenge to do.
For my wife and me, releasing them is a process that involves holding back on giving advice, choosing not to worry about them, and managing the battle of guilt that we could have been better at raising them.
Children are a heritage from God. This doesn’t end when they turn eighteen.
Here are a few points that could be considered operating principles for parenting adult kids.
- Keep the lines of communication open. Connect through regular lunches, coffees, and phone calls with those who live far away. Get to know them as adults.
- Discuss what your estate looks like. Although more difficult to do, you should have an end-of-life discussion with your kids.
- Call before you visit. You could suggest the same for them coming to your home.
- Manage your expectations for your kids.
- Don’t lend them money until you’ve put parameters in place. Many times kids need help financially. Treat this in a professional way. Whether it’s a loan or it’s to be part of their inheritance, ensure you document it. The issue of money has caused huge problems in families.
- Don’t make them choose between their family and you.
- Don’t give them unsolicited advice.
Questions
- What’s going well with your adult children? In what areas could there be improvement?
- Review the operating principles above with your spouse. What can you do to implement these? Are there other principles that apply to your own family situation?
- What expectations do you have of your adult children? Consider discussing these with them. Be sure to allow for dialogue both ways.