There are many ways to die — suddenly, slowly, violently, painlessly, peacefully, terrifyingly, alone, and with family, to name a few. I think it’s important to address what’s going on physically in death before we look at it from the soul’s perspective.
If you are a caregiver of someone in their dying process, or the person dying, you’ll want to know what to look for as they, or you, move through this process. Having this information keeps you out of denial, which can be a powerful hindrance for both the dying person and the caregiver. Our body does not want to know that it is dying. It was created to survive all kinds of challenges on the earth plane, so when it comes to actually surrendering to the final step called death, most of us don’t want any part of it. As Woody Allen said,“I’m not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
When waiting for a loved one to die, most of us feel absolutely helpless — which we are. This is the final episode of their and we need to be respectful of this time for them. I can’t begin to count the number of people who have emailed me asking why it’s taking so long for their loved one to die. Many people try to rush this process along, thinking that sooner would be better for everyone, but there are reasons that the dying process is short for some people and long for others. Rushing the dying process is similar to inducing labor in pregnant women. Births and deaths happen when they are meant to happen, and from the soul’s perspective, there is always a reason for the timing and the supposed delay.
When my father was dying, one of the hospice nurses gave me a pamphlet explaining the three stages of death that he may or may not go through. At first I didn’t want to look at it because I didn’t want to acknowledge that he was really dying — not my dad; he would always be here. But as he moved deeper into his dying process, I wanted to understand it so that I could still feel a connection with him.
I recently went online to find a list similar to the one the hospice nurse had given me, and I found a beautiful article called “The Journey Towards Death” by Angela Morrow, RN (see http://dying.about.com/od/thedyingprocess/a/process.htm). I would like to share part of it with you, because it explains the stages of death in such a loving, gentle way.
The Journey Begins:
One to Three Months Prior to Death
As one begins to accept their mortality and realizes that death is approaching, they may begin to withdraw from their surroundings. They are beginning the process of separating from the world and those in it. They may decline visits from friends, neighbors, and even family members. When they do accept visitors, they may be difficult to interact with and care for. They are beginning to contemplate their life and revisit old memories. They may be evaluating how they lived their life and sorting through any regrets. They may also undertake the five tasks of dying. [According to Dr. Ira Byock in his book The Four Things That Matter Most, these tasks are: 1. Ask for Forgiveness, 2. Offer Forgiveness, 3. Offer Heartfelt Thanks, 4. Offer Sentiments of Love, and 5. Say Good-bye.]
The dying person may experience reduced appetite and weight loss as the body begins to slow down. The body doesn’t need the energy from food that it once did. The dying person may be sleeping more now and not engaging in activities they once enjoyed.… The body does a wonderful thing during this time as altered body chemistry produces a mild sense of euphoria. They are neither hungry nor thirsty and are not suffering in any way by not eating. It is an expected part of the journey they have begun.
One to Two Weeks Prior to Death
MENTAL CHANGES
This is the time during the journey that one begins to sleep most of the time. Disorientation is common and altered senses of perception can be expected. One may experience delusions, such as fearing hidden enemies or feeling invincible.
The dying person may also experience hallucinations, sometimes seeing or speaking to people that aren’t there. Oftentimes these are people that have already died. Some may see this as the veil being lifted between this life and the next. The person may pick at their sheets and clothing in a state of agitation. Movements and actions may seem aimless and make no sense to others. They are moving further away from life on this earth.
PHYSICAL CHANGES
The body is having a more difficult time maintaining itself. There are signs that the body may show during this time:
The body temperature lowers by a degree or more.
The blood pressure lowers.
The pulse becomes irregular and may slow down or speed up.
There is increased perspiration.
Skin color changes as circulation becomes diminished. This is often more noticeable in the lips and nail beds as they become pale and bluish.
Breathing changes occur, often becoming more rapid and labored. Congestion may also occur, causing a rattling sound and cough.
Speaking decreases and eventually stops altogether.
Journey’s End:
A Couple of Days to Hours Prior to Death
The person is moving closer towards death. There may be a surge of energy as they get nearer. They may want to get out of bed and talk to loved ones, or ask for food after days of no appetite. This surge of energy may be quite a bit less noticeable but is usually used as a dying person’s final physical expression before moving on.
The surge of energy is usually short, and the previous signs become more pronounced as death approaches. Breathing becomes more irregular and often slower. “Cheyne-Stokes” breathing, rapid breaths followed by periods of no breathing at all, may occur. Congestion in the airway can increase, causing loud, rattled breathing.
Hands and feet may become blotchy and purplish (mottled). This mottling may slowly work its way up the arms and legs. Lips and nail beds are bluish or purple. The person usually becomes unresponsive and may have their eyes open or semi-open but [is] not seeing their surroundings. It is widely believed that hearing is the last sense to go, so it is recommended that loved ones sit with and talk to the dying during this time.
Eventually, breathing ceases altogether and the heart stops. Death has occurred.
I would like to make a couple of comments about this list from my observations. The first has to do with the dying speaking to deceased family members. If you find this happening, they are not hallucinating. Either the family members are there in the room with them, or they are seeing the family members on the other side. The door from our side to the other side, commonly referred to as the veil, is wide open for the dying at this time, and they are much more focused on the other side than this one. Pay attention to the quiet little conversations they are having. It’s fascinating when their consciousness is open to both sides of the veil. If you try talking to them, they may not hear you or might become disoriented when they realize that two different people are talking to them at the same time. For example, they may see their deceased sister talking to them while hearing their living sister talking to them, and this can cause agitation or fear. Be aware of this when you’re at the bedside of those in this phase of dying.
Several times my dad mentioned one of his war buddies standing near the window in his hospital room, and he would speak to him very softly. What Dad said didn’t mean anything to those of us there, but it was obvious from the expression on his face that the communication was comforting to him. We shouldn’t interrupt or try to stop this kind of conversation. Also, I could see my grandma hovering over Dad for several days prior to his passing, and she never said anything to us. She was totally focused on Dad, and when he left his body, she took him immediately to the other side.
The other comment I would like to make about Morrow’s article has to do with her suggestion of holding the person’s hand while they’re dying. From the experiences I’ve had, I liken the last phase of death to the last stage of labor, called transition. This is just before the mother gives birth, and her attention has turned totally inward; she is completely focused on her body and what it’s doing. She can easily become agitated with the people around her, yet she wants them there for support. Often the mother wants everyone to stop touching her because all her senses are on high alert. I’ve seen this with the dying as well.
When I’ve been in the room with someone who is dying and their loved one is holding their hand, many times I’ve heard the soul say, “Stop holding my hand — you’re distracting me.” The soul is working hard to detach itself from the physical body, and when we hold a hand, it keeps the soul focused on the body and makes it harder for the soul to leave. If you want to comfort your dying loved one (or yourself) by holding their hand, keep this in mind. At any sign of distress on their part, let go.
This is not to say that you shouldn’t sit by the dying and reassure them that you’re there. But observe the process and be sensitive to it. See if you can sense the other souls in the room or the angels who have come for them.
Unfortunately, some people become very uncomfortable if they are in the room of someone dying, and they deal with their discomfort by becoming chatty. The incessant chatter makes it hard to feel or sense what’s going on spiritually. If you are in this situation, you may want to ask the chatty person to step outside so you can you have quiet time with your loved one. They may feel relieved. If you are lucky enough not to have one of those people in the room, quiet yourself and stop thinking of the dying person as just a physical body. Remember that a beautiful transition is taking place and try to quiet your thoughts and sense it from a different perspective. Close your eyes and ask God to help you see this event spiritually, to help you feel an inner knowing of the transition.
Over the years many people have told me they could sense angels or deceased relatives in the room when their loved one was dying. The key is to quiet yourself as much as possible and be open to viewing the situation from the perspective of the person dying, not yours.
I had a beautiful experience when I was sitting with a family waiting for their loved one, John, to die. I saw John’s deceased parents waiting in the corner, coaxing him out of his body. He could see them and was talking what seemed to be gibberish to them on and off throughout the day. When he took his last breath late that night, I was in the restroom, but I could psychically see his soul come out of his body and take his parents’ hands. As John and his parents were moving up and out of the room, in came eight beautiful angels. An angel went and stood by each person in the room. I silently asked an angel why they all were there if John was on his way up, and she said that angels always come to comfort the loved ones. They stayed in the room with the family until after the doctor had pronounced John dead and the family finished making arrangements with a funeral home. When everything in the room was calm, the angels left.
One of the family members who is particularly sensitive asked me if there were angels in the room. She said she could feel a lightness after John left, as if the room had become filled with /6 W"haf (Happens ’When- W^1 Die
white light. I was so glad to hear that someone else could feel it also.
One more thing about this transition period: The dying person knows more of what’s going on than we do, so don’t feel as if you need to explain things to them.
No One Ever Dies Alone
I asked a mortician friend of mine if there were any similarities among the stories he heard from various families, and he said he hears one comment often: people tell him they stayed by the dying person’s bedside the whole time except for a quick trip to the bathroom or vending machine, and the person died while they were gone and they felt awful about it. If you happen to step out of the room for a minute and your loved one passes away while you’re gone, please don’t feel guilty about their“dying alone.” No one ever dies alone. There are always spirits there to assist the soul on the journey home.
When our dad was in his last days of living, my siblings and I ran downstairs to grab a bite to eat. We had been in his room the whole day, and the nurse said we had time. When we came back into his room, everything was the same except I could feel that something was missing. I looked at all the machines to see if anything had been removed, but they were all still beeping away. Dad was still breathing, yet something was missing. I asked my sister if anything felt strange to her, and she echoed my thoughts and said that it felt like something was missing. Right when she said it, I knew it was my dad’s soul. His soul had left while we were gone, yet his body remained breathing. I know for a fact it would have been easier for my dad to leave when we were all out of the room, because he hated saying good-bye! His heart stopped beating the next day.
John, the gentleman I described earlier whose room was visited by eight angels, took a long while to die. During this time, his family called and asked if I would communicate to his soul and find out if he was waiting for something specific. We all assumed it was his son who was out of town, but when I asked John’s soul, he said, “No, it isn’t his son. He is waiting for the triangle.” “A triangle?” I asked. “Triangle,” he repeated, and that was all he said. I told his daughter and girlfriend, hoping they would know what it meant, but no one knew. His son made it to the hospital when he got back to town, but John didn’t acknowledge his presence at all.
We kept a vigil by his bedside until about 7:00 that evening, when, as if on cue, five of us went out of the room to do something. One of the granddaughters went to get pop for everyone. A couple of people went outside to have a cigarette. One man wanted to check and see if the oil in his truck was leaking, and I ran to the bathroom. Everyone scrambled, except for his daughter, who stood on one side of his bed; his favorite granddaughter, who stood at the end of his bed; and his girlfriend, who stood on the other side of his bed. He opened his eyes, looked at each one of them, said good-bye, and died. A perfect triangle was formed around his bed, with his three favorite people. The rest of us returned to the room right afterward, as his soul was making his way into the white light.