What are your most memorable times?When a loved one passes, we often wish we had asked more questions or had certain conversations with them. What were they like as a kid? What did they love (or hate) about their job? What brought them the most joy? Did they have a favorite book, poem, or piece of music?
Similarly, I’ve noticed that souls on the other side often wish they had made themselves better understood to their loved ones while they were alive. And those facing a final illness, or simply advanced age, often find it helpful to disburden themselves before they pass on — to explain to those who will outlive them what they believe, what they care most about, why they did this rather than that, and so on. In this chapter, I’ll give you a few suggestions for communication and creative expression during the dying process to help the dying as well as those who will be left behind.
Let Them Talk
I’ve sat with families who were all together because one of their members was dying, and yet no one talked about it. Death is often the elephant in the room that everyone pretends isn’t there. This must change, because what ends up happening is that the person who’s dying feels very alone in this important time of their life, unable to communicate to their loved ones about what they’re going through. We need to change that, for their sake and for ours.
We need to encourage the dying person to talk about what this feels like for them. It may seem awkward at first to get the conversation going, but once they know people are interested in what they’re going through, they usually have a lot to say. Their life is coming to an end, and at this time, many people take an inventory of their life. They have memories they want to share, resentments they may be holding on to, happy stories, sad stories, boring stories, exciting stories. They may want to share it all, and they need — and deserve — someone to listen to them.
In my practice as a healer, I work with many clients who know they’re dying. Some of them deal with it straight-on by openly sharing their thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams, getting their affairs in order, tying up loose ends, and so on. Instead of pretending it’s not happening, they embrace this passage of their life. They cherish each day that they have and live it to the fullest. Sure, some clients come for healings hoping to be healed, but others come not to live longer but to feel better and have more energy while they’re here. For example, when one of my clients was in her dying process, she invited me over for lunch and showed me all kinds of pictures of herself when she was younger. She reminisced about the men she had loved, the places she had visited, the schools she had attended, and her accomplishments other than raising her children. She had always talked about her children’s lives but rarely talked about her own experiences, so it was wonderful to see her open up the way she did.
Unfortunately, most of us don’t have this kind of attitude when we find out we’re dying. The majority of dying clients I work with are frightened, depressed, and anxious about what’s ahead. They go through their dying process in a daze. They don’t want to talk about their feelings of anger, fear, or sadness and try to avoid feeling anything. They come for healing for a multitude of reasons other than their actual illness — depression, anxiety, alcoholism, insomnia. These people usually need a bit of coaxing to get them to talk. When I asked him to tell me about his life, one male client said there wasn’t anything to talk about, but once I asked specific questions — about his childhood, his teen years, his time in the military, how he met his wife, what it was like to become a father, what he did before retirement — he had a whole bucket’s worth of stories to tell me. It was fun to watch him get so animated about his life. I could see sadness in him at times but pure joy at other times.
The pre–Baby Boomer generation feels particularly uncomfortable talking about themselves. Many feel it’s selfish, so they need a bit of coaxing and reassurance that you’d love to hear about their life. Thinking that this might be the last time you will hear their voice or the wisdom they have to pass on to you will help you get over your own reluctance to face their impending death.
I’ve been present in many situations where the dying person starts randomly talking about ten different subjects at the same time, jumping from memory to memory, feeling to feeling. All of that is great. It’s how their mind is working and how they are able to communicate. Some of it may make you uncomfortable, but remember that this is their turn to say it all, so sit on your discomfort and let them get it out.
I was sitting and chitchatting with a dying woman and her two daughters, when the mother suddenly began making amends to her older daughter for disliking her when she was a child. The daughter had never heard her mother talk like this before, so of course she was quite surprised at the words coming out. The dying woman went on to say that she got pregnant at an early age and had to marry the father, who she wasn’t in love with, and felt that this daughter had ruined her life. It was interesting, to say the least, to watch the dynamics play out between the three of them. The mother felt relieved to have said all of it, the older daughter was stunned, and the younger daughter kept trying to change the subject and lighten up the conversation because she was uncomfortable with the whole dialogue. Even in a case this extreme, I think the dying person’s disburdening is more important than our discomfort. And I suspect that though the elder daughter was sad to hear what her mother had to say, it also probably explained a great deal about their relationship over the years — and it surely helped that relationship grow warmer in the time they had left together.
GETTING RID OF BAGGAGE
Another reason I think it’s so important to let the dying talk is that they can release old resentments and hurts that they’ve held on to for years. I had a ninety-year-old client named Mabel who came for healings every week for arthritis. She was a very bitter woman who hated her family of origin, her upbringing, her three ex-husbands, and her children. Every week she would ask me why God wouldn’t let her die, and I told her that maybe He was giving her extra time so she could heal her resentments, anger, and hatred and not take it all with her when she died. I also suggested that she start looking at any good that had come from her life experiences. She always said that was “hogwash.”
The last session I had with her was kind of sweet. I could see a softening happening in her. She seemed less miserable and said her arthritis was getting better. She usually set up her appointment for the following week before she left, but this time she said she ’d call when she needed another one. I sensed that day that I’d never hear from her again, which proved to be true. I prayed that she would be able to make it to heaven peacefully, with less resentment and anger in her heart.
Many people believe that once we get to heaven all will be forgiven and we will be happy all the time, but that’s just not reality. Unfortunately, we bring emotional baggage with us when we go back home.
Many years ago, I was the labor coach for a friend of mine, and we were in the delivery room. Over in the corner of the room I saw the soul that was going to live in her baby’s body, and he was standing with two spirit helpers and nine suitcases. I silently asked him what the suitcases were for, and he said that they were issues he was bringing into this lifetime to heal. I had never seen anything like that, but I think of it every time I look at a newborn baby in a nursery. I wonder how much baggage they brought in to work on. That’s why I think it’s especially important to clean up as much of our baggage from our current life as possible before we leave.
HOW TO TALK AND LISTEN TO THE DYING
Recently in my advanced psychic development class, one of my students told me that her cousin was dying of inoperable cancer, and she wondered what she could say to him to get him talking about how he was really doing. She had already asked him several times, and he always gave her a quick reply of “fine.” She didn’t want to appear nosey and sincerely wanted to know how he was mentally and emotionally and if there was anything she could do for him. My answer was simple: “Ask him what this feels like for him. How is he doing emotionally and mentally? Show that you want — and can handle — an honest answer to your question, by being calm and present.” Dying people can tell when we’re being thoughtful in our questions versus when we’re uncomfortable but are asking because we think it’s the right thing to do. If we are a little uncomfortable, we may talk a mile a minute or run around fussing over flowers or food. It’s better to be still and listen. This also creates space for our intuition to guide us toward good questions to ask.
If the dying person opens up and it seems like they want to talk but aren’t sure what to talk about, you can ask them questions like these:
What are your most memorable times?
If you could do things over, would you change anything?
What are you most proud of?
Do you have any regrets?
Ask if they are holding on to resentments, anger, or hatred and speak gently to them about forgiving the persons who hurt them. Do they feel as if they have unfinished business with anyone? Offer to deliver a note to someone if they want to write one. After each story they tell you, ask them what they got out of the experience. What did they learn? Reflecting on and answering this question can be very healing for them. It’s better to end the conversations on this kind of positive note.
Remember to ask these questions and listen without judgments. This is their story, not yours. They have their own opinions and beliefs about their life experiences, so listen and be willing to learn more about them.
By taking the time to listen sincerely to the stories of a dying person, you are giving them a great gift. Hopefully, when it’s your turn to go, others will show you that same loving-kindness.
Please remember that the dying person is in an intense process of wrapping things up from this lifetime. The more they can release their emotional pain, the easier their transition will be. If they can let go of bitterness and regret and arrive home with a clean slate, they will live a more beautiful existence on the other side.
Scrapbooking and Other Ways to Celebrate Your Life or a Loved One’s
One Christmas I made a scrapbook for my dad about his life and accomplishments. I put in lots of pictures of him and as much memorabilia as I could find. He was speechless as he went through it. I remember him proudly giving it to my nephew so that he would never forget him, and I’ve always been glad I took the time to do it.
About fifteen years ago, I lost someone very dear to me. I thought my heart would never heal from the devastation of it. One night I gathered all the mementos I could find from our relationship and started making a scrapbook of everything we had done together. I worked on it a little bit each day and found that the more creative I let myself be, the less the loss stung.
In psychic readings for clients dealing with the impending loss of their own life or the loss of a loved one, my guides often give me images of the client making a scrapbook of their life, doing something creative and constructive to mark the times that were special to them. One of the most common concerns I hear from the deceased is that they’re afraid they will be forgotten after they’ve been gone for a while. We work hard to create a life for ourselves, and when we die it can be hard to let it all go and trust that we will not be forgotten. Leaving behind a scrapbook of our life is a wonderful way to celebrate it — and to leave something special behind for our loved ones to ensure that we will be remembered. Whether you’re the person dying or the person who is left behind, I strongly recommend that you take the time to collect your memories in a scrapbook or in another way that makes sense for you (see page 28 for a few other suggestions).
Many people who are in their dying process shut down mentally when they’ve been told they are dying. They get very depressed and stare at the TV all day, waiting to die. If you’re one of those people I’m asking you to shut off that darn TV and use that time instead to make a scrapbook of your life. You’re still here. You’re still alive. Your mind still works, or you wouldn’t be reading this book. Make a scrapbook of you.
Entire stores are filled with scrapbooking and archiving materials — and shopping for them might be a fun outing that will lift your spirits. But if you’re not able to get out and buy supplies, ask someone to get them for you or order them online and have them delivered.
Make this a celebratory project. If you choose to, get a large scrapbook. Get stickers, glue sticks, and lots of markers, crayons, colored pens, or colored pencils. Gather a bunch of magazines to cut out words and pictures to describe times in your life. I’m going to give you a list of things that you could include, but they are just suggestions. This is your book, so do what symbolizes you the best.
Childhood memories: Favorite toys, holidays and birthdays, special presents you received, special relatives and friends and why they were special, favorite playtimes, books you loved, games you played, childhood pets.
Teen and high school memories: friends and sweethearts, including your first love.
College memories: What the times were like back then, your favorite classes or professors, what they looked like, what you looked like, what you loved doing in class.
Significant love relationships: Pictures and/or memories from each one.
Divorces or breakups.
Children and grandchildren.
Military experience or causes you fought for or believed in.
Hobbies.
Careers or jobs.
Important accomplishments. Hurdles you overcame.
Dreams and goals never fulfilled.
Retirement reflections.
Places you’ve lived.
Places you’ve traveled.
Things you would like your loved ones to remember about you.
Things you’ve never told your loved ones.
The worst times of your life.
Significant friends.
Cars you’ve driven.
Things you built or created.
A section called “Wiping the Slate Clean” listing resentments, people who have hurt you and why, and people you have hurt and why.
OTHER IDEAS FOR CELEBRATING YOUR LIFE
Scrapbooking can be great fun — but you don’t have to go that route. The point is to collect your thoughts, beliefs, and memories in a way you’d like others to enjoy. If you’re not up for making an elaborate scrapbook, I have a few other suggestions:
Keep a pen and some paper at hand and jot down notes about the things you’d love to convey. Do not worry about being smart or neat or grammatically perfect.
Assemble photos and other mementos in whatever boxes or bags you have handy.
Make a recording of your voice or a video. Talk about anything that comes to mind. If you need ideas, see the list of suggestions for the scrapbook contents above. You’re making this gift not only for yourself but for your loved ones for many years to come. If you don’t have the energy to do this yourself, ask a friend or family member if they will help you with it. It might be a very special time for both of you.