It’ll Be a Long Time

Dina

Today’s events are the culmination of almost six years of work. Countless hours of researching, reading, studying, analyzing, writing, and revising. The nausea pooling in my stomach isn’t on account of facing the thesis advisory committee. It’s not a fear that my second reader won’t show up. It’s because this marks the end of an era, and I’m not sure I’m ready to face what comes next. To go from master’s student Dina to a functioning adult with a job and other responsibilities.

Ready or not, here it comes.

Angel loaned me a blazer and dress pants so I can look the part when I walk in to contend with the serious faces poised to decide my future. I paired the smart suit with a sky blue blouse and sensible shoes for the weather. I’m taking a ride-share by myself for the first time in my life. One thing I’ve learned from my brief relationship with Holden is that if I want something to change, I need to do it myself. Relying on someone else is cowardly. And I, Dina Blake, am no coward. Not anymore.

I exit my condo building, where I find my ride waiting out front. I climb in the back and notice the driver is a gorgeous brunette woman who is about my age. On one hand, that makes me feel less likely to be kidnapped, but on the other, I wonder how well she drives. That’s really judgemental, but she can’t have many years of driving experience under her belt.

“Big day?” she says as she pulls her Honda Civic onto Fleet Street to circle back around.

“The biggest.” I take a deep breath to ease the mounting anxiety—from both my academic pursuits and riding in a rolling death trap. “The past two years of my life come down to this day. Thesis defence.”

She glances in the rear-view mirror and smiles. “Wow! That’s amazing, girl. Good for you. Smart and beautiful; a double threat.”

“I don’t know about that. The only thing I seem to threaten is my sanity.”

“Don’t we all?” She chuckles, then continues to drive our conversation and the car simultaneously. She does such an excellent job at distracting me, I don’t even notice we’re pulling onto campus until she rolls to a stop.

“This is it.” I close my eyes, preparing myself for this pivotal moment in my future.

My driver spins around to face me. “You’ve got this, okay?” She scribbles something on a small piece of paper and hands it to me. “I’m not supposed to do this, but if you need a ride home, text me. My name is Aven, by the way. Aven Becker. I’m invested now, so I want to hear how it goes.” The smile she gives me seems to regulate my breathing.

I take the paper and inspect it to make sure I can read the numbers. I’m splurging on a car to get here, but I wasn’t planning to take a ride home too. Then again, now that my studies are done, there’s nothing stopping me from getting a job. I’ve successfully made it through six years of post-secondary education within my tight budget. If there’s ever a day to indulge, it’s today.

“Okay. But if you’re busy, don’t worry. It could be a few hours.” Before I exit the car, I face Aven and add, “I’m Dina, by the way. Thank you for this. For the distraction and pumping me up. You have no idea how much I needed both.”

“Go embrace your inner warrior, Dina. Nothing can stop you.”

I climb out of the little blue sedan and realize I’ve overcome a lot in my life. Aven may be a stranger, but her words give me a new wave of inspiration.

I’ve got this.

Defence of my work took sixty-four minutes. I was afraid I’d chosen the wrong thesis to defend, but once I got speaking about it and answering the questions asked, I knew I was prepared. I knew my material inside and out—thanks to our AQ5R method—and more importantly, I was passionate about it.

I was so passionate, that now, standing outside in the cool spring air, I feel as if I’ve come down from a high and I need something to mimic the excitement I felt twenty minutes ago. Hollis and Angel are busy, so even though I’m sure they’d be happy to hear my news, I don’t want to disrupt them.

There’s one person I do want to call, but I won’t. I don’t even want to post anything on social media to share this moment because I know it will sting when Holden doesn’t respond. It’s not like I have a wide circle of online friends. My largest social media platform is Goodreads, and I don’t think anyone on there cares that I’ve achieved this milestone.

So instead of calling the one person I want to talk to, I call a virtual stranger.

“Heya.”

“Um… Aven? This is Dina. You dropped me off earlier.”

A soft chuckle confirms she remembers me. “How did it go?”

“Good. I think. I think it went well.” I take a deep breath to stop myself from blabbering. Standing in front of the group of accomplished academics didn’t make me this nervous. I really should practice speaking to real-life people more often. “I’ll find out soon if I passed one or both portions.”

“I’m sure I’m not the first to say it, but congratulations! Do you need a lift now?”

Her assumption has me lost in a sequence of sad thoughts. The fact this is the biggest day of my life, and the first person to congratulate me is a stranger. The fact I don’t have a network of people to call who would sing a song for me at the bar and celebrate with me. What good is a degree when I have no one around me to mark these moments?

“Dina? Do you need a ride?” she repeats.

I shake my head to rid myself of the depressing reality that my life has become. “Oh, I don’t mind walking, but I didn’t want to leave you in suspense.” That’s not entirely true. Really, I just wanted to tell someone.

“No, girl. I got you. I’m just dropping someone at the Eaton Centre. Let me clock out and I’ll be there in ten minutes. Same place I dropped you off?”

She sounds determined, so I agree. In the few minutes I have before she arrives, I rush to find an ATM to withdraw some money. If she’s clocking out, I can’t pay her through the app like I did earlier.

Aven pulls up in the exact spot she did less than two hours ago, giving me an enthusiastic wave. I walk to the rear passenger door, stopping myself short. For the first time in my life, I climb into the front seat. It’s not the driver’s seat, but it still feels a lot more in control. It feels symbolic of what’s to come in my future. Like a power move.

Thirty seconds into our drive, I blurt, “You know, until a couple of months ago, I hadn’t been in a car since I was thirteen?”

“What? Why?”

Another way I’ve grown, I’m no longer afraid of my past. “My parents died in a car accident. I’ve been too terrified ever since.”

Aven jerks her head to look at me, which I only notice from the corner of my eye as I pick at my fingernails.

“That’s awful. I’m really sorry.”

More growth. My reaction isn’t to get defensive and tell her I don’t want her pity. Instead, I take a breath and say, “Thanks. This is a new era for me.”

“Amen to that. The world is your oyster, or however the saying goes. Actually, that doesn’t make any sense at all. Why would anyone want to be restricted to an oyster?”

I chuckle as I watch pedestrians pass in a blur along University Avenue. “It’s from Shakespeare, but it’s been altered from its original meaning. Now it just means that everything is open to you, and you might find something special.”

“Okay, I knew you were smart, but how do you know random things like that?” Aven’s smile is wide and bright, eliciting a matching one from me.

“I read a lot.”

We turn onto Fort York Boulevard as Aven replies, “Whatever you’re doing, don’t give up. I have a good feeling about you, Dina. You’re going places.”

As she pulls up in front of my condo, I scramble to take some cash from my bag.

“Same price as the way there?”

She puts the car in park and rests a hand on top of my arm digging through my bag. “Your money is no good to me. I didn’t ask you to call so I could make money off of you. You looked like you needed a friend. My treat.”

I’m speechless. For all the years I shut people out, I probably missed out on a lot of genuinely good people. Of all the growth I’ve made in the past few months, this is the most life changing. I’m not going to continue isolating myself because I’m afraid to lose people I love.