Hopeless

Dina

Angel is on her way. Hollis is in the middle of a shift for her internship, but promised she’ll get here as soon as she can. She offered to leave, but I can’t let her screw up that opportunity for a mission I’m sure is futile. I have very little hope that anyone will find my tiny dog in this area. Between the people, the streetcars, subways, busses, and other vehicles, plus the expansive area, it feels hopeless.

How could I have been so stupid? To leave him alone like I did? I should have just made sure my bibliography was complete the first time I read each book, then none of this would be happening right now. We’d be home, cuddled on my couch. This is all my fault.

“Dina?”

I look up to see Julie approaching me. The paramedic gave me the all clear with some signs to look for if I need to seek further treatment, but she was confident I’d be fine. I’m not confident I will. That has nothing to do with smoke inhalation.

“Is everyone okay? I can’t believe this happened.”

“Me either. Apparently, it was an electrical fire from faulty wiring connected to the automatic doors. There was a raging fire behind the wall before anyone knew what was happening. Everyone got out safely, as far as we know.” She sits on the bench beside me. “Any word on your dog? Holden said he was missing.”

Well, it’s happened. I’ve dehydrated myself enough, I can’t produce any more tears. “No, nothing yet. I’m not sure if he’s inside hiding, or if he got out unnoticed in the foot traffic.”

“Oh, darling. I’m so sorry. I’m sure someone will find him. Have you asked the firefighters to look for him?”

I nod. “Holden’s brother spoke with each of them and showed everyone a picture.”

“Oh, good. That boy really likes you, you know? I can tell.”

That comment nearly has my body turning blood into paste just to produce enough liquid to create new tears. “No, he broke up with me,” I choke out. “And I don’t even know why.”

Julie wraps her right arm around my shoulders, pulling me toward her. “I may be an old spinster, but there’s no mistaking the way he looks at you. Today has been a trying day, so maybe not now, but when you feel up to it, have a heart-to-heart with him. He wouldn’t have shown up here with his brother if he didn’t care.” With that, she pats my knee, stands, and walks away to speak to someone else.

Seconds later, I hear my name again and spot my sister running through the crowd toward me. On her days at home, she often spends her days in loungewear. Today is no exception, and she didn’t even take the time to change out of it before showing up here.

“Are you okay? You’re sure you’re not hurt? Where’s Nacho?” She pulls me in for a tight, seated hug.

“Nobody has found him yet. Holden and his brother are looking. He’s not even wearing his sweater. He’s probably so cold.” I know I’d be freezing if I didn’t have this coat. Wet clothes and near-freezing temperatures are not a good combination.

“He’s a dog, Dina. I know he’s used to being pampered, but he’s resilient. He’ll be okay. And you know he’s not letting anyone dognap him.”

“Holden said the same thing.”

We both laugh. Who knew my dog’s grouchy demeanour would one day be helpful?

Angel asks several more times if I’m okay before she’s convinced, then makes her way to the firefighters packing up their gear to ask if anyone has seen signs of Nacho. Judging by all the shaking heads, I’m assuming not. She also makes calls to the city’s bylaw office, then the animal enforcement office and several area shelters to recruit some more help.

My phone buzzes, so I rush to yank it from my pocket to see if Holden is sending me good news.

Hollis: On my way. Any luck?

Dina: Nothing yet. Holden is out looking.

Hollis: THE Holden?

As far as Hollis is concerned, we hate Holden for breaking my heart. And maybe I should, but it’s really hard to go from caring so much about someone to hating them, regardless of their actions or how deserving they may be of said hatred.

Dina: Yes. And his brother. I’ll update you when you get here.

I tuck my phone back into my pocket as Angel returns to inform me no one saw any signs of Nacho, and he hasn’t attacked any ankles, so chances are slim that he’s inside. As much as I was hoping he wasn’t inside because his little lungs wouldn’t be able to tolerate much smoke, the thought of him being lost on the city streets is equally terrifying.

Angel and I work on a plan until Hollis arrives, then we divide and conquer. Hollis heads north toward Front Street just to be thorough, but there is so much open space with train tracks and greenery, that’s hopeless. Angel travels south east to check the south side of Canoe Landing Park. I walk south along Bathurst toward Lakeshore. Now we have people in every direction. Still, big city, tiny dog.

Hours pass and none of the messages I’ve gotten from anyone have provided a glimmer of hope. I’ve talked to more people today than I have in my life, which is a bit ironic considering this day was meant to play out with my nose in some books, snuggling my dog—the two activities I partake in to avoid people.

The girls and I meet back up at the library, but Holden hasn’t replied to my message that we were reconvening, and I don’t have Boyd’s number.

“How did Holden end up here?” Hollis asks, which I’m sure she’s been dying to all day.

“I don’t know. He just showed up here out of breath, like he had run the whole way. There was a news crew here, so he must have seen something and came to check on the library.”

Hollis and Angel both stare at me.

“What do you want me to say? I didn’t ask him to come, and I wasn’t planning on ever seeing him again. It was as much a surprise to me.”

“No, it’s not that.” Hollis looks at Angel again without turning her head away from me. “It sounds like he came for you and I just… I don’t know. After everything, that seems a little strange. Mixed signals, I guess.”

“Tell me about it.” I won’t mention how I cried into his chest. Nor how he kissed the top of my head or tried to put his arm around me. His signals have been hacked, crossed, and they’re suffering from a power outage.

“Just be careful, okay? I don’t want him worming his way back in and breaking your heart the next time his mother has an attitude problem. I appreciate that he’s helping find Nacho, but that doesn’t mean I forgive him for how he treated you.” Hollis pulls me in for a hug.

She’s right. As much as I hoped him being here means more than it does, I can’t forgive him.

Angel wraps her arms around us both. “You know I’m not opposed to physical violence if the situation calls for it.”

Hollis and I both laugh. I’ve always admired my sister’s strength. Without her, I would have been lost years ago, but her presence through this situation with Holden has been invaluable.

We’re all getting cold since the air is damp, the sun is setting, and the temperature is dropping. Nacho must be freezing. Suddenly, I’m overcome with sadness again and start sobbing while wrapped in the arms of my sister and best friend.

“Shh. It will be okay. We’re going to find him.” Angel rubs my back in soothing circles, like only a big sister can. “Everything will be fine. There are a lot of eyes looking for him and I gave them my number. The second I hear something, we’ll be right there.”

I sniffle as Hollis and Angel release our embrace and the cool air becomes really noticeable without collective body heat. I can only hope Nacho has found a non-rabid raccoon or sewer rat to snuggle up with to keep warm—even if they are three times the size of him.

Just as I’m picturing Nacho trying to infiltrate a city rat’s hideout, Boyd rounds the corner, rubbing his hands together and blowing on them. “Any word from Holden?”

I shake my head. “I’m assuming you didn’t have any luck either?”

“No, sorry, Dina. I started in the pet store you guys go to and then branched out from there. No sign of him, but I gave everyone my number.”

My interaction with Boyd was limited, but I’m pretty confident he doesn’t share the same prickly demeanour as his mother. He’s been friendly and kind, even if he always seems distracted.

“Thanks for trying. I know you’re busy and probably have a hundred other things to be doing.”

“Listen, Dina…” Boyd shoves his hands in his coat pockets and exhales a breath that disappears in a mist. “I know things with you and my brother are—”

“Dina, look!” Angel shouts, slapping me on the shoulder.

The sight cures my laboured breathing better than any oxygen tank.