She’s Got Issues

Dina

This silence between us is uncomfortable. We were at a point in our friendship where our silent moments were tolerable, but this is torture. I had to go and make myself look like a bumbling idiot who’s afraid of cars. I know it’s irrational. I wasn’t even in the car when my parents died and now, nine years later, I’m still holding onto that fear. In my defence, if they had been eaten by a shark, no one would think twice if I had a paralyzing fear of sharks. The scenario shaped me in so many ways and derailed the happy life I once had. Everything changed because of a car accident.

Plus, living in the city, I’ve enabled the fear by capitalizing on walkability and public transportation. It’s been so many years now, the anxiety has multiplied and grown, allowing the wound to fester, rather than dealing with it when it was small. Now, short of a sedative, I don’t think there’s any way I’d get in a car.

Now that my quirk is out in the open, I wish I could reel it back in. We’re a minimum four hundred metres from the library before I come up with a subject change. “So when are your exams, exactly?”

Holden hesitates, replying a few steps later. “The written exams are scheduled for November fifteenth and eighteenth. My oral exam is on the twenty-second.”

“Woah. Three big exams all within a week. No wonder you’re stressed about it.”

He laughs as we side-glance at each other. “It’s a lot, but I knew what I was signing up for. Just need to put in the work and get it done.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s not hard. Just because we choose something doesn’t mean we have to enjoy every second. That’s classic toxic positivity. The whole ‘good vibes only’ mentality. It’s okay to be human sometimes.”

Holden slows his steps, making him trail behind a few feet until I slow to let him catch up.

“My brother is five years older than me. Seven years ago, he was working on his undergrad when our dad got sick. We… uh… doctors said he wasn’t going to pull through. So Boyd dropped out so he could take care of our Dad.”

In the few conversations we’ve had mentioning family, I got the impression his dad is alive and well, but I tread carefully. “That’s admirable of him. That couldn’t have been an easy decision.”

“Sometimes I wonder if he did it just to have something to lord over me and Phoebe. Like he made some incomparable sacrifice. But my dad pulled me aside when I was graduating high school and told me I better not think about delaying university. That the sacrifices he made to provide a better life for us had to be worth it, but we had to put in the work, too.”

My chest tightens because I miss that supportive parental relationship more than I could ever articulate. “That”—I clear my throat—“is an excellent point. He sounds like a wise man.”

“I think because of that, I developed the mentality not to ever complain about school or anything related to it. Though, I guess I complained to you about being stressed. That was out of character.” He tucks his hands in his jacket pockets, shrugging at the same time. “I chose this path and my brother sacrificed his, so the least I can do is shut up and deal.”

“Sibling relationships can be complicated. Angel and I have our issues, too. I could have saved myself a lot of headache by living with her to finish my undergrad and get my master’s, but I felt like I was holding her back. Like she was stuck in a job she hated just to take care of me. So I told her I wanted to be closer to the waterfront, took my insurance money, and bought the cheapest condo I could find. She still doesn’t know the real reason I left.”

This day should be marked on the calendar as National Overshare Day. It seems that’s what we’re celebrating.

“You and Boyd are opposites then. You made a sacrifice and kept it a secret. He made a sacrifice and continues to hate me for it, even though it wasn’t my choice.”

“I don’t know your brother, but I know where making assumptions can get you. Someday, hopefully you guys can hash everything out. Maybe it’ll help you understand his perspective.”

This conversation has gotten much deeper than I intended. I’m sweating under my coat, growing more uncomfortable by the word. We round the corner onto King Street, and I recall Holden saying he lived on Whitaker Avenue, which is just up ahead. My place is another fifteen minutes from here.

“I guess this is your stop.”

Holden stops abruptly, but a fast-marching pedestrian plows into him, knocking him forward so he crashes into me. I stutter step backwards, trying to keep my balance. Holden wraps his arms around my torso in a move much different from the unexpected hug earlier. He falls to one knee, but keeps me upright.

The offending pedestrian doesn’t apologize, which isn’t surprising, but both parties were at fault.

I look down at him clutching my waist. “Why does it feel like I’m always falling around you?”

Holden releases his arms from my waist, stands, and bends to brush off his one knee. “Are you okay? Should have checked my mirrors before I stopped there.” He laughs at the lame joke, but I don’t think he realizes that just encourages my fear of cars. Even people walking follow too closely and don’t take responsibility for their actions. We’re evidence of that, having crashed into each other before.

“I’m fine.”

My breath catches when Holden moves closer to get out of the way of other people speed-walking by.

“I don’t think I’ve told you enough how beautiful you are.” He steps even closer, which I didn’t think was possible. “I couldn’t ever say it enough.” He reaches his hand up and cups my jaw, caressing my cheek while biting his bottom lip.

But I don’t want this here. In front of random strangers. After diving into each of our quirks and family dynamics. This isn’t the moment I want to remember.

I duck my head away from his hand and turn in the direction we were walking. “Better get home before you cause any more accidents, Dickens. You’ve got studying to do.” Then I walk away without looking back.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Well, I do, but I keep taking off like a total coward.”

Hollis sips her ice water as I relay my afternoon with Holden from two days ago. Lucky her, she’s got weekends off from her co-op program. “You and I both know it’s because you’re afraid to let someone in. But, I just want to point out, you let me in, and it’s the best decision you ever made.”

That assessment is accurate. Since my parents died, my social circle has been limited. It was mostly just me and my books, hiding away from the world. That’s still my preference, but is it so bad to try? Other guys I’ve gone out with have never crossed my mind once I left their company. Safe to say Holden has been the focal point of my thoughts the past few weeks—more so than my studies, which is probably what scares me most.

“You’re right. Helping you find that scientific journal was one of my best decisions. But I can’t get distracted. I’m so close to finishing my degree, and I don’t want a stupid crush to derail everything I’ve worked for.”

“So you admit you like him.” Hollis smirks at me, while doing her best to hide it behind a sip of water.

I nearly choke on mine. After a brief coughing spell, I clear my throat to reply. “I don’t know. There’s potential there, I guess. He… makes me laugh, and I don’t hate him.”

“That’s a start. That’s more than we can say for Steven Seaman.”

We both laugh hysterically at the mention of one guy I went on a very short date with. He was insufferable. He spent the thirty minutes I stayed talking about how he and his ex broke up because of their political differences, but he still loved her. I pretended I had diarrhea so I could leave. He didn’t offer to walk me home.

“I totally forgot about him. That was a mess.”

“It was. So all I’m saying is that maybe giving Holden a shot wouldn’t be a bad thing. If you were willing to go out with someone like Steven Seaman, Holden can’t be any worse. Some balance is good anyway. You can’t just dedicate your entire life to studying. Once you get your degree, what’s left?”

“You’re one to talk.” Though, I know she’s not wrong about that, either.

“I promise I’ll keep my options open if I come across someone I don’t hate.”

We spend the rest of our down time chatting about random things from her cousin Isla’s upcoming book release, the latest update on Oscar’s battle with his neighbour, co-workers who don’t pull their weight, and Nacho’s stuffed squirrel obsession. It’s nice to decompress and get some perspective on this predicament I’m in.

She leaves just as the sun is setting, which always makes me a bit sad. We’ve both been so busy, our bestie time is limited. I don’t know when I’ll get to see her next.

But the least I can do is accept her sound advice.

Letting someone else in wouldn’t be the worst thing.