All I want

Holden

Despite the efforts of my friends and siblings, nothing is pulling me out of my funk. With no hope of anything changing, I’m going through the motions, but my passion has disappeared. I’d say it’s stuck somewhere in a fourth-floor condo on Fort York Boulevard.

It’s been three weeks since I saw Dina. For the first time since the day of the fire, I suddenly feel consumed by anger toward my mother. I’m stuck between two hard choices, but the longer time goes on, the more clear my decision gets.

With renewed confidence in my choice, I march to my parents’ house and walk in without knocking. The space feels foreign. Unwelcoming. Not like the home I grew up in.

I find her in the kitchen, puttering away at something she’s deemed important.

“You know one of the main things I’ve learned from history?”

She looks at me, no hint of surprise at seeing me here.

“Nothing good has ever come from failing to consider someone else’s perspective. Human beings have caused hatred, division, violence, even full-blown wars, and it largely boils down to failing to see that the other parties involved as their own entities, with the right to decide for themselves.”

My mother stares at me, her typical stoic glare that says a thousand things behind her hazel eyes. “This is not the same.”

“It is Mum. What you’re doing is the same. I don’t know if you can’t see or you don’t care, but I’m miserable. I’ve always listened to you, and I’ve always appreciated everything you’ve done, but this time, I can’t. Not anymore. I hope you’ll come around and see things from my perspective. Until then, I’m making my own decision.”

I don’t wait for her to reply. A respectful conversation with my mother will be a priority in the near future, but for now, she can digest everything I’ve said. I need to see Dina. I pull my phone from my pocket to text her as I walk out the front door of my parents’ home. A photo of her and me together the night of Sam’s gig back in November serves as a reminder of how that night changed the direction of my life forever. And I don’t want to turn it back.

“Hi.”

I stop walking, looking to see where that voice came from. My eyes land on my front step. On Dina. On her tentative, but still gorgeous, smile. Her long curly hair and deep brown eyes. Her olive-green jacket and knee-high boots. I take it all in. Every inch of her.

“Hey. How did you—”

“Boyd. He… uh… he came to see me on Saturday.”

That sentence causes my eyebrows to collapse together.

“He told me why you broke up with me. So I’m not here to make things harder or to ask you to make a choice. You’re lucky to have a family who loves you so much. I guess… well, I’m just here to tell you it’s okay. No hard feelings. Toward you or your mother. She obviously wants what’s best for you, so I respect that. I needed to tell you that in person.” She fiddles with a button on her jacket for a moment. “Oh, and to thank you for helping me find Nacho. I don’t know what I would have done without him.”

I walk closer to her, and once she’s within arms’ reach, I place a hand on her forearm, guiding her down the single step. We’re inches apart and the proximity immediately makes me whole again.

“Dina, I love you. You deserve so much better, and I refused to let you ever feel uncomfortable. But it was never because I didn’t want you or didn’t love you enough. I thought I was doing the right thing.”

Tears are pooling in her eyes, which are like a death grip on my heart.

“But I’m selfish. My family may not be perfect… we’re a mess most of the time… but we love each other in our own weird way. And if you’ll let me, I’ll love you with all that I have. And before you say anything, I’m not choosing you over my family. I’m choosing to give my mother time to see her mistake and discover how incredible you are.”

She sniffles as a pair of tears trail down her pink cheeks. “What if she doesn’t? I’d give anything to have even one more day with my mom. I’d hate myself for becoming a wedge between you and yours.” She wipes her tears with the sleeve I’m not holding and straightens her posture. “I love you, Dickens, which is why I came to see your face one last time. To tell you, I understand why you made the choice you did, and I accept it, as much as it hurts. I want what’s best for you too, even if that’s not me.” With that, she places a palm on my cheek, looks into my eyes for a brief second, then attempts to step past me.

“Wait!”

Dina and I both turn our attention to two doors down, and find my mother in her slippers, walking out her front door. Boyd exits behind her, wearing an uncharacteristic smile directed at me. He seems to have materialized out of thin air.

Mum shuffles down the sidewalk toward us. She stops a few feet away and releases a steadying breath, not looking at either of us. “I’m not okay with this, but I won’t stop you.”

If she came out here to mend fences, she’s a long way off. “Mum, you know I love you, but you either accept Dina, or you continue this nonsense. Because if she’ll have me… If she can forgive me—”

The sound of a door closing has the four of us turning our heads again, spotting Phoebe backing out her front door with a stroller. Boyd rushes over to help her traverse the step.

“What are you doing here?” Phoebe greets Dina with a big smile, ignoring the rest of us.

I deserve it though, because I’ve barely spoken to her since I stormed out of her house two weeks ago.

“I’m not entirely sure.” Dina’s posture is a case study on awkward body language. Arms crossed. Eyes directed at the ground. Teeth gnawing at her bottom lip.

“Grace and I are walking over to the Little Free Library a few blocks away, since the public library will be closed for a while. Want to walk with us?”

I love my sister, but her attempt to get Dina out of this situation is as obvious as the Cheeto stains on her sweater.

“We were in the middle of something. Can you give us a minute?” I ask.

She glances at Dina, then at the rest of us who have all formed some weird faction of the Ruin Holden’s Relationship Club. I don’t know if I’m the guest of honour or the president, but it needs to be disbanded.

“Sure. What are we in the middle of?”

I stammer, looking for the words because I don’t want to make an awkward situation worse. “Mum was just apologizing… to Dina… and me. Yep, she was telling us how sorry she was for her lapse in judgement.”

My mother glares at me and remains silent, telling me she’s not falling for my ploy.

“Oh, for goodness’ sake, Mum. Get over it, would ya? Holden is a grown man and he can date whoever he wants. Dina is lovely, and if you remember, you hated Aaron at first, too. Now he’s the only one to compliment your dry pie crust.”

The rest of us are stunned speechless, including Grace.

I’m the first one to break the silence. “She hated Aaron?” I thought Aaron was beyond reproach. Likeable on all accounts. Hardworking, respectful, kind. The epitome of a knight in shining armour. Having him next door even makes me feel safe.

“Oh, she thought he was a Gypsy or some nonsense. He had a lapse in his lease agreements when we started dating, so he stayed in a couple hostels or short-term rentals until he got into his next apartment.” Phoebe looks at our mother, who actually returns the eye contact. “Point is, Mum, you have to give people a chance. No offence, but if I had listened to you, I would have missed out on the best part of my life, including this beautiful baby girl.”

That revelation makes me feel like a total schmuck. That’s probably what Phoebe was trying to tell me that day at her place. I didn’t know Mum had tried to break up her and Aaron, too. But Phoebe had the guts to fight for the man she loved.

I’m such a coward.

I don’t care if everyone is watching and listening. “Dina, I was wrong. I was wrong to let anyone come between us because only we know what we have. I can’t blame you if you have doubts about us now, but I don’t. You’re everything I didn’t know I needed. Please, can you forgive me? Can we try again?”

Dina keeps her eyes trained on the sidewalk, not hinting at an answer for several seconds. When she focuses on me, it’s another punch to the gut. “You broke my heart. Really shattered it. I’m not sure it’s that easy to just pick up where we left off. I didn’t come here to mend fences; I came to help us both move on.”

My throat is painfully dry as I struggle to redirect the conversation. “Then we start over. I know I screwed up, trust me. I broke my own heart too, and it was the worst decision I’ve ever made. But tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it. Wherever you want to start.”

The long silence is painful. I can feel the anticipation radiating off of our spectators, like this is the season finale of the year’s greatest primetime drama. I’d expect nothing less than a pivotal moment in our relationship being marked by awkwardness.

Everyone collectively takes a deep breath as Dina starts to speak. “I guess we start by putting each other back together.”

I can actually feel my face light up as I register her words. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She nods as more tears spill down her face. Tears that I hope are ones of happiness.

I react instinctively, rushing forward, wrapping my arms around her waist and spinning us both. My lips find hers and without missing a beat, we find our perfect rhythm once again. I missed everything about her. More than the way she tastes or how her skin feels. I missed her mind. Her generous spirit. Her spunky clap backs. I pull away so I can take in her smile, which I may have missed most of all.

“One other thing,” she adds.

“Nacho ran out of squirrels?”

She laughs, and I stand corrected. I missed that most of all.

“No. Well, he is, but we’ll talk about that later.” She pauses, her face brightening even more. “I got my master’s.”

I nearly drop her, but she catches herself by grabbing tighter around my neck.

“What? How did you…? When? This is huge.”

“This morning. I mean, nothing official yet, but my advisor called me to say I passed.” Her smile falters as I gently set her down. “I wanted to call to tell you, but… it didn’t seem right.”

“Dina, I’m so sorry. You have no idea how proud I am. How proud your parents would be.”

She nods, still battling with tears. I wipe one away with my thumb, then slide my hand into her hair to pull her in for another kiss.

My ridiculous siblings start clapping in the background, but I don’t pay them any mind. I get lost in Dina, and if I have it my way, I’ll never miss another big moment in her life again.