Take It Like a Man

Holden

After Dina and my siblings leave, I stay at my parents’ house to have a chat with my mother. She may not be the most affectionate woman around, but her abrasive, cold demeanour toward Dina was inexcusable. She was downright rude. I need to understand what the issue is, because I felt like an idiot standing before a dispirited Dina, not having any answers.

Imagine my surprise when I walk into the dining room and my mother blurts, “You can’t date her,” from her position at the end of the table.

I pull out a chair to sit beside her, despite my better judgement telling me this conversation is bound for disaster. “For years, you’ve been telling me not to get too caught up in my studies. To find a nice girl because there’s more to life than a degree. Now that I do, you’re telling me not to date?”

“I don’t care if you date. I said, you can’t date her!” My mother’s accent appears when she’s angry, and right now, she sounds like a typical cockney lass.

My stomach sinks. “And what, exactly, is wrong with Dina?”

“Do I need more of a reason than she had you lying to me about her for months, and even had your sister lying to cover your illicit affair?” She draws a long sip from her tumbler of whisky.

“Dina had nothing to do with that. This is why I didn’t say anything when we started dating. There’s nothing illicit about it. So you can’t blame her for that.” I move to stand, hoping that’s the end of this unwarranted Dina headhunt, but drop back in the chair when my mother continues.

“She’s… dark.”

I stare at her for several seconds, blinking, trying to convince myself I just imagined those words. “Excuse me?”

She slams her glass on the table, her temper on full display. “Don’t make me say it, Holden. You know exactly what I mean.”

“No, Mum. I don’t. Because I refuse to believe what you said is what you actually mean.”

The only time she’s ever mentioned anything remotely racist was during the most recent royal wedding. It surprised me when I heard it then. Now, I’m disgusted.

“I meant what I said. You cannot date her. Break it off and find someone else. Someone who suits this family. She wouldn’t even come for the holidays. What does that tell you? She’ll never fit in here, and I will not allow a girl like her to tear our family apart.”

“Suits this family? That’s what you care about? Not that she’s intelligent, she understands me, she makes me happy, or how strong she is? Your issue with her is her complexion?”

“Don’t be dramatic, Holden. Your father and I did not work as hard as we did to leave everything to you and a mixed-breed orphan.”

My jaw drops and my eyes pop open wide enough they nearly fall out. I love my mother, but at this moment, I’m so ashamed. How this woman who has spent thirty years in the most populated, diverse area imaginable can harbour such ignorant thoughts is beyond me. I could make excuses for her because she’s old-fashioned or misinformed. But there’s no excuse. She’s acting like our royal blood line is at stake.

“For the past several weeks, I’ve told you about her and how important she is to me. I said I wanted you to meet her so you could see firsthand how special she is. And you’re telling me now that this is a problem?” I take another breath, but it does nothing to calm me. “Mum, I respect you, so I’m not going to say what I’m thinking. What I am going to do is walk away and come back to have a conversation when I’m not so angry. Whenever that might be.”

Without waiting for her reply, I exit the dining room and storm out of her house. My knuckles are white from how tight I’m clenching my fists as I stomp toward my front door. Anger prevails when I walk inside—into the home my parents own and let my brother and I live in—and slam the door.

Boyd is nowhere to be found, which is a small mercy. I have no idea where he disappeared to, but I have no interest in being lectured by the golden child.

All I want to do is call Dina, make sure she got home okay, and have her voice tell me this is all some sort of warped fever dream. To tell her I love her and let that be enough for my family to love her, too.

Or maybe my mum sees something I don’t. That small seed of doubt takes hold in my mind and I spend a full hour replaying every encounter Dina and I have had over the last five months. Am I missing something? Have I been blinded by my intense connection to her? Distracted by my studies and swayed by her study prowess? I don’t think that’s possible. What we have is too real to be a mistake.

But how do I go against my mother’s demands?

My family has always been in close proximity, but not exactly close. It’s just how we operate. My parents were married at nineteen in England, then moved to Canada shortly after. Neither of them had education beyond high school, but they never let that stop them. My dad worked his entire life as a welder, starting out sweeping floors, and eventually becoming a specialized welder, which had him travelling across the country to do work few people had the skill to do. My mum started as a mail clerk in an office job and worked her way up to senior case manager. I’m proud of my parents. I appreciate their sacrifices. Their hard work has set my siblings and me up with opportunities we wouldn’t have had otherwise.

It’s for that reason, I feel like I owe them. My loyalty, my devotion, above anything else. But I can’t be loyal to ignorance. That being said, as much as I love Dina, I can’t bring her into a family where she wouldn’t be treated as an equal. She deserves better than this. After all she’s been through—losing her parents, living with her neglectful aunt, and still persevering through it all—I can’t ask her to tolerate anything less than mutual respect. Nor do I want her to live with the thought she separated me from my family.

It’s not a matter of me or my mother winning this disagreement. There is no winner.

I lose Dina, or I ask her to commit to me, knowing this issue will exist in the background. I’ve never known of a happy relationship existing with a shadow looming overhead. If I choose Dina, I’ll drive a wedge between me and my family. If I choose my family, it’s possible I’ll resent my mother forever. I’d exchange every sacrifice she’s ever made for this one. For her to sacrifice her ignorant way of thinking and open her eyes to a person’s character above all else.

My mind drifts back to War and Peace. When Emperor Alexander was informed he would either lose Moscow or he’d lose his army and Moscow, he was pragmatic. He thought things through. Either way, he would lose the city. So even though in his case, his army was willing to fight, knowing they faced impossible odds, I can’t ask that of Dina. I’m losing my target either way.

This isn’t a war I can win.

As I agreed, I return to my parents’ house to discuss the issue further, now that I’m not so furious—though I’m equally upset as I was last night.

But as soon as I see my mother’s hate-filled hazel eyes, my anger returns.

“I hope you’re coming back here to tell me you’ve taken what I said seriously.”

My shoulders slump and I stare at the floor. I can’t look at her right now. “Unfortunately, I have.”

“Good. You’ll see that I only want what’s best for you. That girl isn’t good for you.”

I drag my eyes upward and narrow them at the woman who raised me. The same one who always told me to be a decent person and put others first. The same one who told me not to allow anyone else to make decisions for me. To always be my own person. “Dina. Her name is Dina. And if you cared what was best for me, you wouldn’t put me in this position.”

“Oh, please, Holden. You’re blinded by some pretty bird who gave you the time of day. She’s done nothing but distract you from your studies and your family. Did she shake her tail at you and suddenly you lost all self-respect?” She scoffs, standing with her hands on her narrow hips.

Listening to my mother accuse Dina of seducing me into abandoning my studies makes me even angrier. Not only does that imply I’m some simple-minded oaf, operating on primal urges, it implies Dina is no more than an inconvenience with ulterior motives. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

“She has done nothing but support me, and it’s because of her I did as well as I did on my exams. I love her, and—”

“You’re too young to even understand what love means.”

I stare at my mother’s appearance, wondering if I missed the spitefulness before, or if it’s just now appearing. Her vibrant red hair has morphed into a mass of greying auburn strands, each hinting at hard work and dedication. All of which has directly benefited me. So whether she’s right or not isn’t the determining factor here.

“I’m not a foolish little boy! You and Dad were nineteen when you got married, so that excuse doesn’t work for me. This is because of your hatred for someone who doesn’t deserve it. And if you ask me, which you don’t, because you don’t seem to care about anyone’s opinion but your own, my love for her is the only thing motivating my decision.”

She stares at me for a beat, then steps forward to pat my cheek like I’m every bit the little boy she implies I am. “You’ll find someone else. Someone better.”

My blinding rage is drowned out by the crushing defeat of my broken heart.