Fire and Ice

Dina

Life is a balancing act. It’s a challenge to keep up with things we need to do and still make time for things we want to do. A level of self care is necessary to survive this world that can catapult you into a series of to-do lists. Learning to strike a balance between my studies and being Holden Edwards’ girlfriend has been tricky.

His schedule is a bit more relaxed now that his exams are done. His thesis progress can’t move too far ahead until February, when he submits his application for a thesis advisor. He’s been doing all he can to help me when the opportunity presents itself, and I’m grateful for that.

I, on the other hand, am barrelling toward completing my degree in March, and can’t take time to slow down. I’m in the final stages of the process, reading over my conclusion for the fifty-eighth time. With three months to go, I feel a mix of anxiousness and relief that the end is in sight.

The only part of my goals that has changed is that now Holden factors into my future. We’ve been an official couple for less than a month, but I can’t imagine moving forward without him. He’s given me no indication that he doesn’t feel the same way.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come by for the holidays?” he asks, putting the washed dishes back in my cupboard.

We’ve had this same conversation six times now, but he doesn’t seem to grasp what I’m saying. “I’m sure. I’ve never celebrated the holidays; being alone doesn’t bother me. Not to mention, I’m broke and I’ve never met any of your family, so it’d be uncomfortable showing up with nothing or with cheap gifts no one wants.”

“Fine. I’ll stop asking.” He sighs and hangs the dish towel on the front of my oven, then makes his way to where I’m seated on the sofa. “To be honest, I don’t enjoy them either, but Mum insists on family time. Like the fifty-two Sundays we spend together each year aren’t enough.”

A sensation that’s a lot like a punch to the gut and a fist around my heart incapacitates me for a moment. I take a deep breath before I reply, “Poor Dickens. Must be tough having a family that loves you.” The words drip with anger and jealousy, coming out a lot harsher than I mean them.

Holden’s entire demeanour changes. “I’m sorry. That’s not how I meant it. I just… I wish you’d join us.”

That irritates me a little more. “We’ve been over this. Stop asking. I’m not comfortable going, and guilt tripping me isn’t going to change my mind. I’m not trying to be harsh, but you’ve asked me seven times now. At some point, you’re going to have to respect my answer.”

He leans forward with his elbows on his knees and drops his face in his hands. “You’re right. I’m not trying to pressure you.”

“Could have fooled me. Asking seven times feels a lot like pressure. But I won’t change my answer. I’ll support you in literally anything else, but I’m not comfortable with this. Not now, and maybe not ever.” 

My mom was raised in a Hindu household and my father in an Anglican one, so once they got married, rather than choose one way or another, we had a completely neutral upbringing. They told us we could decide for ourselves when we got older. This is me making my decision, and if Holden can’t accept that, I’m not sure where that leaves us.

“I’ll support you in this. Sorry for… all of it.” He leans back, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

“You don’t need to be sorry for asking. Honestly, it means a lot that you wanted me to meet your family. But we’re just not there yet. And not under these circumstances.”

He nods, and that’s the end of that. It’s our first real argument, so now we can check that off of the ‘new couples’ bucket list. Relief from navigating that potential snare makes me collapse into Holden’s embrace.

He twirls a lock of my hair in his fingers and asks, “Are you going to introduce me to your sister someday?”

That makes me nervous for no logical reason. “She’s got a weird schedule because of her job, but I can ask.” An awkward laugh bubbles out at the thought of Angel scrutinizing my boyfriend. Not that I don’t think he’d hold up to her grilling. It’s that the connection—welcoming him in to meet my family—will be one more thread tethering us together. Holden will be woven into every aspect of my life. I guess that’s what’s supposed to happen when you love and commit to someone, but that doesn’t make it less terrifying.

“One sister can’t be as intimidating as an entire family. I guess I get off easy.”

I snort-chuckle at his assumption. “You obviously haven’t met Angel. She’s the epitome of small but mighty. Plus, I’m her only family, so she won’t let you off easy.”

“Good thing I’ve never been one to go for things that are easy.” He pounces on me, in what has become his signature move, making me lie back so he can hover over me. “I love you so much. I hope you know that.” His tender kiss alleviates all the upset and anger from earlier. Plenty of opportunities to compromise will happen in the future, I’m sure, and I don’t expect to always get my way, but I’m relieved he’s accepted my choice this time, even if he doesn’t understand.

Angel and Hollis both agreed to meet Holden as soon as I suggested it. Despite the semi-heated conversation Holden and I had last week about meeting his family, the decision for him to meet mine was less dramatic. Less official, I suppose. Angel, Hollis, and I are at a gourmet bagel cafe in the heart of downtown. We’re awaiting Holden’s arrival, sitting in a booth by the window. The atmosphere is casual and comfortable, which I hope will translate to our introduction.

“Is he normally late for things?” Angel asks, raising one dark eyebrow.

“No. He’s only been late once before, but he texted me to let me know. And it was like five minutes. Not… eleven.”

“Maybe he chickened out,” Hollis adds, unhelpfully.

“So help me, if he stands us up, I’ll—” My threat stops in my throat as I see Holden round the corner on the other side of the street with his laptop bag draped over his shoulder.

The bell on the door jingles as he walks inside and makes eye contact with me right away. A smile transforms his face as he strides toward me. “Sorry I’m late. Baby emergency.” He’s out of breath and unkempt—so unlike typical Holden.

I stand and lean in to give him a quick peck. “Angel, Hollis, this is Holden.” I present him like a grand prize on a game show, then reverse the introductions for my sister and best friend.

Holden offers a handshake to both of them, which they each accept. While he shakes Angel’s hand, Hollis sends me a wink. The gesture makes me blush. Angel, on the other hand, levels me with a serious scowl, and I don’t think it’s because he’s late.

“Have you ladies ordered yet?” Holden glances up at the blackboard menu, then back at me.

“No, we were waiting for you.” Angel’s no-nonsense tone makes the hair on the back of my neck stand.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Not the best first impression.”

Angel only replies with “Hmm,” before stepping forward to place her order. She turns back to ask what I want, paying no mind to Holden.

Once we’ve all ordered, he insists on paying. Instead of appreciating that offer, it seems to make Angel more annoyed.

We finally sit down—Holden and me on one side of the booth, Angel and Hollis on the other—but I have no appetite. I’m too busy trying to rationalize why Angel’s friendly personality has disappeared.

Angel doesn’t even wait for our food to be unwrapped. “So, Holden, tell me about this baby.”