Chapter Six
What the hell am I so upset about? Knox asked himself. I’m the one who put the restrictions on this relationship. I’m the one who insisted that anything more than a friendship is impossible.
Yet the second Ruby had told Jax that they were just friends, Knox had the sudden urge to hit something . . . mainly his past self. She had been quick to answer, which told him she was either in denial about the amount of chemistry sizzling between them or she was perfectly content in the friend zone.
And from the way she kissed him the other day, he didn’t think that was the case at all.
He stepped outside and closed the hangar door, taking a minute to collect his thoughts. There was no reason to lie to her when she’d asked what was wrong, so he completely dodged the question altogether. He hadn’t been sure how to respond because he wasn’t even sure of his own thoughts.
Knox wanted Ruby. That was pretty much the bottom line and the crux of the entire situation.
But what happened if she fell for him and he couldn’t commit? That may have sounded egotistical, but all of this wasn’t about him. He cared for Ruby, more than he thought he would, and he worried she’d get hurt if he found out that he couldn’t move on . . . not in that way. Hell, he had no clue if he could emotionally invest in a woman the way she deserved. He hadn’t tried since losing Lydia and he certainly didn’t want to make Ruby his experiment to see if his feelings still worked.
On a groan, Knox raked his hands through his hair. What was he going to do?
Before he could have that mental pep talk with himself, raindrops hit his face. So much for that nice day and that sunshine that had been out moments ago. Jax hadn’t taken off yet; most likely he and Piper were still in the other hangar.
Running through the rain, Knox headed to the main office area. Ruby wasn’t inside in the lounge, she was standing beneath the overhang watching him. A worried look on her face was all the proof he needed that he’d handled things badly. He never wanted her hurt, and he sure as hell never wanted to be the cause of the pain.
Knox stopped just beneath the sheltered covering and shook the water from his body. He raked a hand over his wet hair and met her gaze.
“I can pull the truck close to the front if you want to go through the building so you don’t get soaked.”
Ruby reached up, her palm flattening against his cheek. “What happened between the flight and now?”
Uncertainty formed like a ball in his throat and he attempted to find the words. Nothing came to him. Well, several things came to mind, but none of them would help this immediate situation.
Knox did the only thing he could think of. He reached out, snaking one arm around her waist and plunging the other one into her hair. Then he captured her lips.
This. This is what felt right. Words were meaningless and just jumbled up an already complex situation. He wanted to feel her, taste her. Consume her.
Ruby wrapped her arms around his neck and threaded her fingers through his hair. She opened for him, arched against him. This was so much more than a friendship. He knew it, she knew it. But right now, he didn’t want to dissect the situation, he wanted to feel.
The sound of a metal hangar door sliding pulled Knox from the moment. They were out in the open where Jax or Piper could easily see them. For someone who wanted to keep this light and simple, he was doing a poor job of proving that.
“Did you kiss me to shut me up?” she asked, wiping her thumb across her bottom lip.
Knox watched her movement, his body heating all over again. “I kissed you because I wanted to. We’ve been over this.”
Ruby tipped her head and sighed. “We have, but you keep putting this wall between us and I honestly don’t know what’s going on.”
Yeah, he wasn’t too sure, either.
“Can you give me some time?” he asked her. Even that question surprised him. “I don’t know what I’m doing and I can’t have you hurt. I just . . . I can’t.”
Above all else, that was imperative. Ruby needed to come out on the other side with her heart fully intact.
She took a step back and gave a clipped nod. “I don’t want you to feel pressured. My feelings are growing, I won’t lie. But you can’t let that hinder your life. You either feel something for me or you don’t.”
Rain beat down on the metal overhang. The sound of Piper squealing in the background and Jax laughing had Knox wondering if this was the best place for this all-important conversation.
“We need to go.”
Ruby’s shoulders fell, her lids lowered as she turned and started heading to the back door of the building. His silence had hurt her when he’d just preached to himself how much she needed to remain safe.
Just as she reached for the handle, Knox couldn’t bear the tension anymore.
“I feel, Ruby. I feel more than I ever thought I would again.”
She opened the door and went in without even glancing back, without a word to acknowledge him speaking, and he wondered if she even heard him over the pounding rain.
* * *
Ruby shoved her key in the door to her house and cursed herself for being a fool. She’d known going into this exactly how much Knox had loved his wife, and she’d known full well how determined he was to move on and keep any type of intimacy at a distance.
They hadn’t spoken on the drive home. She wasn’t sure what to say so she just let the awkward silence settle between them like an unwanted third party.
Just as she pushed the door open, a firm hand gripped her shoulder.
“Wait, Ruby.”
She stepped inside, ignoring his plea. Of course he followed her. Ruby toed off her shoes and set her keys on the accent table inside the foyer. She swiped the rain from her face before turning to Knox.
He stood with his back at the closed door, raindrops covered his shirt, his face, his hair. Those muscular forearms glistened with moisture. Ruby scolded herself. Now was not the time to get swept away by his ridiculously good looks or how her stomach knotted at the idea of him leaving Haven and of her never seeing him again.
“Look, I know we never claimed this would be more than a friendship,” she started, needing him to know that she understood. “I can’t help how I feel and I didn’t mean to let my emotions . . .”
She shook her head and turned toward the living room. The festive tree in the corner mocked her with all the twinkling lights and glittery ornaments. She had nobody to blame but herself in this situation.
Hands gripped both her shoulders and Ruby found herself being pulled back against Knox’s firm chest. She closed her eyes and willed the pain away. Now he was only giving her pity comfort because he was trying to let her down easy. How mortifying.
“Ruby.” Knox’s breath tickled the side of her face as he leaned into her. “I’ve given you the impression that I don’t care for you.”
Ruby pulled in a shaky breath. “I’m well aware you care for me,” she replied. “I can tell by the way you’re treading so carefully now that you don’t want to hurt me.”
“Never.” He shifted her so she faced him, then he slid his hands over her jawline and held her in place. “I’d never purposely hurt you. Which is why I’m struggling here.”
She could see that struggle. She could practically feel his frustration rolling off him in waves. Still, she couldn’t coddle him because she’d been playing by his rules. He’d set up all the restrictions in the beginning and suddenly he seemed angry about it . . . but not angry enough to admit he cared for her as so much more than a friend.
“You don’t have to—”
“I do,” he retorted, giving her a slight shake. “I need you to understand that you drive me out of my mind.”
Okay, not the approach I thought he’d take.
“I swore I wouldn’t get emotionally attached to anyone again and then you opened the door,” he went on. “You can’t possibly know how much I wish I could have more with you.”
He rested his forehead against hers and sighed. “But I’m terrified,” he whispered.
Those three words painted a much clearer picture for her. He’d moved on, sure. He’d gone through the motions of day-to-day living, but he hadn’t fully let himself feel in six years. That amount of time in and of itself proved just how broken he’d been.
Knox eased back slightly, his eyes searching hers. “I want so much, but if I take everything and this ends in heartache, I won’t be able to handle it. You have to understand, Ruby.”
She reached up and gripped his wrists. “I understand that we’re never promised another day. I see that often enough at work and I’ve experienced it in my personal life—so have you. I know that when I want something, I don’t let fear get in my way because I could be missing out on the greatest thing—”
His mouth crushed hers. There was no other way to describe it. It was almost as if he’d snapped and couldn’t stand it another second.
Knox slid his hands through her damp hair. Ruby flattened her palms against his chest, then curled her fingertips against his T-shirt. He walked her backward until her legs hit the sofa. When she fell onto the cushions, Knox stared down at her, his eyes full of desire and passion. Ruby had never, ever had anyone look at her like this before. Her entire body shivered.
“Knox . . .”
He sank down on his knees before her and settled between her parted legs. Gripping her waist, he pulled her to the edge of the sofa. Heavy lids partially masked that flare of need, but he couldn’t hide it completely.
“I’m done denying this,” he murmured, his eyes dropping to her lips. “If you want me to go, I will.”
Ruby reached up to grip his shoulders, then closed the gap to nip at his lips. “Stay,” she murmured, arousal spiraling through her.
She didn’t care she should be resting before her shift; she could nap tomorrow after work. Right now she wanted Knox and he was here. He was opening himself to her in a way she never thought would happen. She’d be a fool to turn him away.
Without warning, Knox lifted her in his arms and headed toward the steps. “Bedroom up here?” he asked.
“You can’t carry me up these stairs,” she protested, smacking his shoulder.
The smile that spread across his lips only added to her desire. Anticipation coiled low in her belly and she knew this wasn’t something she wanted to spend her time arguing about. If he wanted to carry her to bed, à la Rhett Butler, who was she to stop him?
Ruby laced her fingers behind his neck and leaned her head against his shoulder. “Top of the stairs. First room on the right.”
He wasted no time climbing the steps and entering her room. Her immediate thought was the disarray of her bed. Had she left her bras and underwear all over the place? Was the bed even made? Would he trip over the basket of laundry that still needed to be put away?
Seriously? She was thinking of the state of her room when she was finally in Knox’s arms, finally going to bed with him?
When he set her on her feet at the foot of the bed, he wasted no time in capturing her lips, thrusting his hands in her hair, and arching her back. The man knew what he wanted and the fact he wanted her with such conviction had a whole new level of desire pumping through her.
Knox eased back just enough to grip the hem of her shirt and strip it up and over her head. She hadn’t been with someone in so long, insecurities slithered between them. Ruby crossed her arms over her chest, but Knox immediately pulled them away, taking her hands behind her back and gripping her wrists with one hand.
“We’re beyond hiding from each other.”
He released her long enough to reach behind his neck and tug his shirt off. He flung the unwanted item to the side, never taking those mesmerizing eyes off her.
Part of her wanted to say something to take the tension away, but the other part didn’t want words to interfere with this moment. She wanted just to feel with her heart, her hands. Words had no place here.
Knox closed the gap between them and yanked the snap on her jeans. Glancing down, she trembled at the sight of his large, tan hand against her pale abdomen. She sucked in a breath as his knuckles brushed against her heated skin.
And as much as that was all glorious, Ruby couldn’t help but admire his perfectly toned chest, shoulders, and abs. He didn’t get that way from sitting in a cockpit the entire time he’d been in the military.
When her eyes met his once again, something crackled between them. There was a charge she couldn’t explain, but in the next minute they were in a frenzy of shedding clothes and stealing kisses. Knox pulled protection from his wallet and covered himself.
As soon as they were both bare, Knox lifted her and settled her back onto the bed. He followed her down and Ruby relished in his weight pressing into her.
He rested his forearms on either side of her head and stared down at her. “Ruby . . .”
Yeah. She knew. He couldn’t make promises. She covered his lips with her fingertip and shifted so he was settled perfectly between her thighs.
When he joined their bodies, Ruby couldn’t stop the groan from escaping her. Her body arched . . . her hands curled around his shoulders . . . their bodies moved so perfectly together.
Knox slid his lips over her exposed neck as he murmured her name over and over. Ruby trailed her fingertips down his back, needing to feel all of him, wanting this moment to last forever.
Darkness settled into the room, blanketing them in a euphoric atmosphere. It was almost as if nothing else existed—actually in her world, nothing else did.
Ruby’s body tightened. She closed her eyes and tipped her head back as waves of pleasure washed over her. Knox muttered something she couldn’t make out just as his body stilled against hers. Ruby wrapped her arms around him as her body settled.
Knox dropped his head beside hers, his breathing just as ragged as her own. But he’d mentally withdrawn. The rigid back was a pretty telling sign that he wasn’t relaxed as one normally is after intimacy.
He shifted off her and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. A chill instantly covered her, leaving her cold and alone—two things that definitely shouldn’t accompany them to the bed.
“I’ll get going so you can rest before work.”
Was he kidding? Did he honestly believe she could rest now? Her body was revved up for one thing, and another, she wanted to know why he was having the obvious regret.
“Is this how you’re going to be?” she asked, needing to call him on this behavior. She understood that he was conflicted, but she also needed him to be fully aware that she had feelings, too.
Even in the darkness, Ruby caught the way his silhouette showcased those tense shoulders. “I’m not trying to be anything,” he replied. “You have to work later.”
She reached across the bed and clicked on the accent lamp. The harshness from the light had her blinking.
“So, what? Was this just you testing the waters?”
He pushed to his feet and started gathering his clothes. “I’ve been with people since Lydia. So you weren’t an experiment.”
Ruby yanked the yellow sheet up to her chest. “And how many of those women did you care about the way you say you care for me?”
Knox clutched his shirt in his hands and finally met her gaze. “None.”
“Exactly. So why don’t you stop pushing me away and just stay for a while.”
He stared at her for so long, Ruby was convinced he was going to give in and toss his clothes to the side.
“I can’t,” he whispered. “This was more than . . .”
Shaking his head, he turned and started for the door, his clothes in hand. Ruby sat in her bed, watching as he clearly battled some internal demon that he refused to let her see.
He paused in the doorway. “You’re too important to me, Ruby. Too important for me to screw this up, and if I stay, that’s exactly what I’d do.”
And then he walked out. The bedroom door closed. She heard him in there for about a minute or two, then he headed down the steps and out the front door.
Still she sat. Her body humming from their lovemaking, yet her heart breaking because he’d admitted just how much he cared for her, but he wasn’t quite ready to fully open himself up to the chance that something beautiful could grow from this. He was running and didn’t even realize it. He was using the excuse that he didn’t want to hurt her, but not staying and facing the issue was hurting so much more.
Ruby fell back against the pillows, inhaling Knox’s familiar masculine scent. He’d only been in her bed a short time and had already left his imprint.
Ironically he’d been in her life a short time as well, and had imbedded himself into her heart.