Sitting in the back seat of the buggy with her sisters, Lizzy enjoyed this trip to church more than any other she could remember. Snuggled in her warm cape and mittens, she listened to her sisters’ happy prattle and watched the beautiful scenery pass by the window. Tall mountains and wide-open fields covered with snow met her view.
Once they arrived at Bishop Yoder’s farm, Eli hopped out to help her father. Without being summoned, numerous men and boys appeared, eager to assist. They lifted Jeremiah easily and carried him inside the spacious barn. Lizzie followed with her father’s crutches, placing them nearby.
“Eli!”
Little Timmy Hostetler ran into the barn and made a beeline straight for Eli. The man turned, saw the boy and scooped him up and spun him around before pausing for a tight hug.
“There’s my Timmy. How are you doing this fine day?” Eli asked.
Still in the man’s arms, the boy drew back and placed his hands trustingly on Eli’s shoulders. “I’m great. Even Mamm wonders at my recovery.”
David stood nearby, a satisfied smile on his lips. “That’s right. Linda thought he was too wild before he got sick. Now, she can’t believe how active he is.”
The other men laughed, patting Eli on the back.
Nearby, Linda Hostetler nudged old Marva Geingerich. “What do you think, Marva? Look at all the gut things Eli has done. Isn’t it wundervoll? Do you still think he’s going to leave again?”
“Humph!” was all Marva said.
Lizzie would have laughed it if hadn’t been so sad to her. Watching Eli mingle with members of their Gmay, she felt a burst of joy. They were a tight community, sharing one another’s burdens and joys. It was so good that they had avoided several catastrophes and they were happy to have all their members here today. But more than that, she gazed at Eli, and a sudden, wrenching sadness filled her heart with pain. Because she knew he would be leaving soon.
Marva Geingerich had been right all along.
Turning away, Lizzie headed into the house where she assisted the other women with the food. Abby and Fannie welcomed her and she pasted a smile on her face, pretending all was well.
When they were called in to church, Lizzie stepped outside and walked to the barn. Taking her place opposite the men, she sang when appropriate and listened intently as the bishop explained the true meaning of Gelassenheit, the joy in submission to Gott. She’d fought her fears for so many years now, but longed for a calm heart. She’d forgiven Eli, but still felt like she needed to let go of her fears. And that’s when she realized the difficulty was no longer with Eli, but rather with herself. Withholding her forgiveness had made her the sinner, but pardoning Eli had taken a giant leap of faith. In spite of her father’s disapproval and knowing Eli would soon be leaving, her heart was softened and she finally let go of her anger and doubts.
Glancing over at Eli, she watched his expressions as he listened intently to the bishop’s sermon. A mixture of yearning and torment filled his eyes.
Lizzie’s heart reached out to him. He didn’t have an easy task ahead of him. It would take a lot for him to turn his back on his parents and church and walk away again. To return to his Englisch life alone, without Shannon or anyone else to love and care for. Lizzie knew she could never have that kind of strength, but neither could she be angry with him for his choices. Because now, she had another huge problem to deal with.
In spite of her father’s disapproval, in spite of her best efforts not to, she still loved Eli more than ever before.
So much for her vow never to let him break her heart again.
* * *
The morning before Thanksgiving Day, Lizzie walked out to the barn under cover of darkness. Planning to get an early start to her day, she would feed the chickens first. She needed the extra eggs for her pies, breads and cream fillings.
Crossing the yard, she snuggled her knitted scarf tighter around her throat. As she exhaled, she saw her breath on the air like the blast from a steam engine. The sun wasn’t even up yet, but she couldn’t sleep. Too many things waged a battle inside her mind. Preparation of her familye’s feast, finding extra time when her sisters weren’t around so she could sew a new dress for each of them before Christmas and Eli’s inevitable departure.
Inside the barn, she looked up, surprised to discover that Eli’s horse and buggy were already here. Two tall canisters of fresh milk sat beside the door. Since he was nowhere to be seen, she figured he must have finished the milking and gone out in the field with the cows. But why was he here so early? Maybe he couldn’t sleep either.
Going about her business, she removed her gloves and picked up a silver scoop. First, she dug it into the grain, then into the cracked corn before dumping it all into her bucket and mixing it together. The extra protein helped the hens keep laying eggs even with the colder, shorter days of winter.
Looking up, she saw Eli’s jacket had fallen off the peg by the door. She stepped over and lifted the coat to hang it up and blinked when some papers fell open on the ground. She picked them up, surprised to discover another letter from Eli’s old boss in Denver. The man named Tom Caldwell.
Glancing at the doorway, she hunched her shoulders, feeling guilty for reading Eli’s personal correspondence. She should return the letter to his coat and forget she’d ever seen it.
Folding the pages, her eyes caught the words job and excited for your return. Unable to resist, she quickly scanned the contents, discovering that Tom Caldwell needed Eli’s acceptance of the supervisory job with a start date of December 1.
“Lizzie?”
She whirled around and faced Eli, flustered to be caught in the act of reading his mail. “I...um, your coat was on the ground and when I picked it up, this letter fell out.”
She quickly handed the pages to him. Never had she been more conscious of her lack of worldliness. Compared to the classes he’d taken at the university and the life he’d lived among the Englisch, she must seem so simple and unsophisticated.
He gazed at the papers in his hand, overly quiet and seemingly uncertain. “Did you...did you read it?”
She nodded, unwilling to lie. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry. It was just lying there open and I...”
Succumbed.
“Ne, it’s me who is sorry, Lizzie. I should have taken better care. I didn’t want you to see this.” He peered at her, his eyes filled with misgivings. “Are you angry at me?”
She hesitated, her heart filled with anguish. How she hated to lose him a second time. How she hated that he couldn’t seem to find contentment here in Riverton. But she couldn’t be angry with him anymore. What good would it do? She loved him and truly wanted him to be happy, even if it meant losing him.
“Ne, I’m not angry. In fact, I understand.” Reaching out, she squeezed his hand and met his gaze with conviction.
“You do?” he asked.
She nodded, but didn’t speak. Her throat felt like it was stuffed with sandpaper.
“You see why I want to go, don’t you? It’s a great opening for me, Lizzie. It’s what I’ve always wanted and I’ll never get this chance again. All of my schooling has been for this opportunity. I can’t pass it up. You know that, don’t you?” He sounded almost desperate to convince her. And for a moment, she thought he was really trying to convince himself.
She showed a sad little smile and nodded. “Ja, I know it’s what you’ve always wanted the most. I wish you would stay here in Riverton, but I know you have a gift for helping others. I can’t hold you back from reaching your potential, nor will I judge you or try to stop you from following your heart. You have to decide for yourself. And I promise to support you in whatever life you choose, even though my place is here in Riverton, with our people. I care so very deeply for you and I just want you to be happy. Even if that means we’ll never see each other again.”
Before he could respond, she leaned upward on her tippy-toes and kissed his cheek farewell, then whirled around and raced back to the house. She didn’t stop until she was safely inside her room where she closed the door and lay upon her bed to have a good, muffled cry. She would send the girls out to feed the chickens and gather the eggs later on. But even if the house was burning down around her, she didn’t think she could face Eli again. She meant everything she had said to him. And right now, his happiness meant more to her than anything else, even if it meant she had to let him go.
* * *
Eli stood where Lizzie had left him. He stared at the open doorway, transfixed by the sight of her slender back as she walked away from him. Knowing he would never see her again. He couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. An overwhelming feeling of deep, abiding loss and grief pulsed over him again and again, like the crashing of tidal waves buffeting the shore. Lizzie was gone. All he had to do was finish his chores and go home. And the day after Thanksgiving, he could catch a bus back to Denver. It was what he wanted.
Or was it?
Lizzie wouldn’t be there. He’d never see her again. Never hear her laugh or see her smile. Never be able to seek out her advice or hear his name breathed from her lips in a sigh of happiness ever again. And it was his own fault. He’d made this happen. With his thoughtless, selfish desires to chase the world.
But maybe, just maybe, it didn’t have to be like this. He had one chance to make this right. To change the outcome. And suddenly, his life came into focus. It was as if a panoramic view opened up to him with his past, present and future life right before his eyes. Finally, he could see it all and understood what he wanted most above all other things.
His heart was filled with absolute confidence in what he must do. But he must do it now.
Turning, he reached for his coat. His course was set. He’d made up his mind and knew just what he wanted out of life. But he better not blow it this time. Because his eternal happiness was depending on what he did within the next ten minutes.