A freezing rain the next day, followed by another day of warm sunshine, cleared the snow and ice off the roads. A blanket of white still covered the valley and mountains surrounding them and another storm was on its way. Since they needed the water so badly for their summer irrigation, Lizzie wouldn’t complain. Especially since they had good weather right now, when she needed it most. Standing in her father’s hospital room in town, she glanced out the window and noticed the morning sky was still clear. They had just enough time to get him home. The chill air made her pull her heavy cape tighter around her.
“I don’t know why you let Eli drive you into town. Couldn’t you have come to get me on your own?” Jeremiah grumbled. He sat on the edge of the bed, fully dressed, his casted leg extended in front of him.
“Ne, Daedi. The weather has been too bad and I’m not sure I can lift you alone.” She’d already told him about getting caught in a blizzard the night they’d helped pull the familye’s car back onto the road.
“What about Martin Hostetler? Couldn’t he drive you into town instead of Eli?”
Lizzie clenched her eyes shut at the thought. Tall and slender, with bright red hair and a smattering of freckles, Martin was a nice enough man, but a bit too zealous for her. His outgoing nature and forward manner always unnerved Lizzie. He was too overt and outspoken for her likes. After Eli had left, it had taken a year to convince Martin that she wasn’t interested in courting with him. The last thing she wanted to do was encourage him by asking if he would drive her into town to pick up her father.
“Bishop Yoder specifically charged Eli with looking after the farm and our familye. I’m afraid we have no choice but to accept his help,” she said.
There. That was good. Surely her father wouldn’t argue with the bishop.
“Has Eli...has he been spending quite a bit of time with you while I’ve been in the hospital?” Jeremiah asked.
“Ne, he mostly works outside or in the barn.”
Not to mention her numerous efforts to avoid him.
After the doctor had instructed them on some exercises Jeremiah could do at home to help quicken his rehabilitation, she’d packed her father’s few belongings into a bag. Eli had taken it outside as he went to fetch the horse and buggy. Her two sisters had tagged along with Eli, holding his hands and smiling. Now, Lizzie and her father were just waiting for an orderly to bring a wheelchair so they could wheel her father outside.
“So, he hasn’t spoken to you about going back to the Englisch world with him?” Jeremiah peered at her with a look that said he didn’t want to intrude, but he couldn’t help asking anyway.
She snorted. “Don’t worry, Vadder. Eli and I have no interest in each other anymore. He’s been a tremendous help and looked after the farm, but he’s been nothing but completely appropriate the entire time.”
She didn’t dare tell him about Shannon, Eli’s fiancée—the proof that he’d fully moved past his old feelings for her. Though Eli hadn’t asked her to keep the information private, she got the impression he had confided in her and she didn’t want to betray that trust.
“Ach, what’s taking so long?” Jeremiah looked at the door, a surly frown on his face.
Since her father was normally a gentle, patient man, Lizzie surmised that his weariness with the hospital was the reason for his impatience.
“They’ll be here soon,” she soothed.
Her own composure surprised her. But something had changed inside of her since Eli had told her about Shannon. When she’d reassured him that his fiancée’s death wasn’t his fault, a startling realization had struck her. She must exercise what she preached and hand her own grief and anger over to the Lord. It was what Gott expected from her. Eli had suffered enough without her condemnation too. But her heart still ached with the knowledge that he’d gotten over his love for her, and had been ready to build a life with Shannon. And that hurt most of all.
Thankfully, a young man wearing a blue smock wheeled a chair into the room at that moment.
“All ready to go?” the orderly asked in a pleasant voice. Lizzie could see from his curious gaze that he found their Amish clothing interesting, but he didn’t say anything.
“We’ve been ready for half an hour,” Jeremiah grumbled.
The orderly stepped forward, seeming unruffled by Jeremiah’s bad humor. “Then let’s get you on your way home. Remember not to put any weight on your casted leg.”
Jeremiah nodded, reaching out as the orderly wrapped his arms around him to take the brunt of his weight before hefting him into the seat. An extender bar was lifted into place and Jeremiah’s casted leg rested outstretched on the support.
“All ready?” The orderly smiled at Lizzie.
She nodded and he pushed the chair out of the room and down the long hall. Tugging her black bonnet lower over her forehead, Lizzie followed behind. As they passed Timmy’s room, she glanced inside, finding the bed vacant. Jeremiah had told her the boy had gone home just before she’d arrived. Knowing the child was healthy enough to return to his familye brought a buoyant feeling to Lizzie’s chest.
Outside, the frigid air caught her breath and she took a quick inhale. The horse and buggy were waiting at the bottom of the steps. The orderly wheeled Jeremiah down a side ramp sprinkled with ice melt. Eli hopped out of the buggy and came to assist.
“This young man can get me in just fine.” Jeremiah gave Eli the cold shoulder by turning toward the orderly.
“Of course,” Eli said, gracious as always but looking a bit snubbed by the rebuttal.
While Eli stood on the sidewalk, Lizzie stared at her father in amazement. She knew her father was suspicious of the other man, but what cause did he have to be so rude to Eli? It wasn’t like her father. No, not at all. She sensed that something was bothering him and she had no idea what it was.
The orderly lifted Jeremiah into the buggy, then gripped the handles on the wheelchair and nodded farewell.
“Drive safely,” he called.
Eli waved before reaching to help Lizzie into the back of the buggy with her two sisters. She looked inside and found that little Annie had twined her hand around her father’s arm and beamed with pleasure to know he was finally going home.
As always, Eli took hold of Lizzie’s arm so she wouldn’t stumble on the wet footrest. Normally, she looked away and tried to ignore how his touch made her stomach quiver. But this time, their gazes met. In his eyes, she saw a flash of uncertainty, then it was gone and she thought she must have imagined it. After all, Eli was the strongest, most confident man she knew. Surely her father’s temper hadn’t rattled him.
Once Eli was inside, he took up the lead lines and slapped them against Billie’s back. The buggy jerked forward as the horse took off at a slow trot out of the parking lot. While the little girls jabbered about their activities to their father, the adults were quiet. From the stiff shoulders of the two men sitting in front, Lizzie could feel the tension in the air like a thick fog. She understood Daed’s motives for keeping Eli’s letters from her, but she didn’t understand why he was offish toward Eli now. Unless Daed was like Marva Geingerich and feared Eli might leave again...and try to take Lizzie with him. He’d already asked Lizzie about it, so that must be the problem. But it wasn’t becoming of Daed to be so judgmental.
The ride home seemed to take much longer than usual. By the time they arrived, all the adults seemed to be in a sour mood. The children, picking up on the tension but not understanding it, seemed anxious and confused, bewildered as to why the happy occasion of their father coming home wasn’t being treated with more joy.
Without a word, Lizzie hurried up the front steps to hold the house’s door open for Eli. Since she wasn’t strong enough, Daed had no option but to let the other man help him inside. The night before, Eli had been kind enough to move Daed’s bed downstairs to the living room. Lizzie figured her father wouldn’t be able to negotiate the stairs. Having him close at hand would make it easier to see to his needs too.
“I can remove your shoe so you can lie down,” Annie offered as Eli deposited her father on the narrow bed.
Jeremiah sat straight as a board. “I don’t want my shoe removed. I should be outside working.”
Showing her sternest frown, Lizzie placed her hands on her hips and shook her head. “There will be no working or putting weight on your injured leg for several more weeks. The doctor said if you don’t want to walk with a limp, you’ll let the bones heal.”
“Ja, and I’ll take care of the farm work,” Eli said.
Jeremiah glanced at the younger man. “What work have you already done?”
Eli stood in front of Jeremiah, holding his hat in his hands. While Lizzie helped her sisters doff their coats and gloves, Eli recounted a few of the things he’d done, including mending the fence, shoeing the horses and a myriad of other chores.
“And don’t forget baling and putting away the hay,” Lizzie said as she hung their coats in the closet. She headed toward the kitchen, wanting to be alone for some reason. With her sisters here to mind their father, she decided to start lunch.
“Humph,” came her father’s surly reply. “I’m glad you’ve been of use then. I guess you didn’t forget how to bale a field during all that time you were living among the Englisch.”
Again, Lizzie was surprised by the extent of her father’s poor manners.
“Ne, sir. I remember very well how to plow and bale and I’m glad I could help you out,” Eli replied.
Lizzie caught the teasing quality in Eli’s voice. She’d never seen a man work as hard as he had worked for them. No doubt he was feeling amused by Jeremiah’s skepticism. And that made her want to defend him to her father and she didn’t understand why. Yes, she was grateful to Eli. His presence on the farm had brought her a lot of comfort. Because of him, her burdens had been eased but... Oh, she didn’t know what to think anymore. Eli didn’t love her anymore and all her crazy feelings would lead to nothing.
* * *
Whew! After getting the third degree from Jeremiah, Eli was glad to escape the house. Lizzie would call him for the noon meal soon, but he thought going hungry might be better than facing her father again. The man obviously didn’t like him and Eli understood why. As teenagers, he and Lizzie had been inseparable. Everyone expected them to marry. But then, he’d left and Jeremiah had hidden his letters from Lizzie. No doubt the man feared, then and now, that Eli might contaminate her with his Englisch ideas.
Opening the barn door, Eli stepped inside, relieved to be alone. He wanted to feel angry at Jeremiah, but he couldn’t. Losing Shannon had taught him a patience he didn’t quite understand. He only knew that everyone was a child of Gott. Everyone made mistakes. But he deeply believed in the power of the Atonement and forgiveness. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have come home. And frankly, he was tired of being angry.
“Eli?”
He whirled around and found Lizzie standing just inside the doorway. Sunlight glimmered behind her, highlighting several strands of golden hair that had escaped her prayer bonnet. Her forehead was furrowed with concern. Wearing her winter cape, her porcelain cheeks had a rosy hue, as if they’d been kissed by the cold air. And for just a moment, he thought about taking her into his arms and kissing her. And that thought confused him. He still loved Shannon, didn’t he? How could he be thinking about Lizzie when his fiancée had so recently died?
“I brought you something to eat,” she said.
For the first time, he noticed that she held a tray covered by a white dish towel.
She came forward and set the tray on a wooden bench. Stepping back, she smoothed her cape, looking suddenly shy.
“I figured you wouldn’t want to eat in the house today. My vadder isn’t in a very gut mood,” she said.
How insightful of her, but he didn’t say so. “Danke.”
Now! Now he should tell her about the job offer in Denver. He’d been pondering the letter he’d received from Tom Caldwell for days now, but still had found no answers. He was alone with Lizzie and it was a perfect moment to seek her advice.
“Are you all right?” she asked, her expression earnest.
“Sure. I’m fine.” He smiled, hoping to alleviate her fears. It occurred to him that he hadn’t seen her smile all day. She must have a lot on her mind too and he wished he could do even more to alleviate her load. He remembered how close they’d been as teenagers and a part of him wished they could share that closeness again.
She poked a clump of hay with the tip of her shoe. “I...I’m sure Daed will feel better tomorrow.”
He lifted his head. “He’s upset because I’m here. I’ve been living among the Englisch and he thinks I might corrupt you.”
Her mouth dropped open. “He doesn’t think that at all.”
“Doesn’t he?” he challenged.
She ducked her head, a mingling of acceptance and dismay in her eyes. “Ach, maybe a little bit. I’ll speak to him.”
“Ne, let it go. I knew when I returned that I’d have to prove myself again.”
She met his eyes. “Can you blame him for not trusting you? You ran away. You’ve been gone a long time.”
“Ja, you’re right. I can’t blame anyone for being upset with me. In fact, you might be even more disappointed when you hear that I’ve received a job offer in Denver.”
There. He’d finally told her. He reached inside his hat and pulled out Tom Caldwell’s letter. Handing it to her, he waited patiently while she read it through. Twice. Then, she folded the pages, put them inside the envelope and handed it back to him. The only betrayal of her apparent calm was that her hand visibly trembled.
“So you’re definitely going to leave again,” she said. It was a statement, not a question.
“I haven’t decided yet.”
She folded her arms, as if she were cold. Since she was wearing her cape and the barn was quite warm, he doubted that.
“But you must be seriously considering accepting the offer or you wouldn’t have shown me the letter,” she said.
She was upset. He knew it instinctively. He could tell by the way her spine stiffened and she lifted her chin slightly higher in the air. Given the circumstances, he couldn’t blame her.
“Ja, my logic tells me the work in Denver would give me more opportunities than staying here. But I love my life here too. I love the farm work, I love my familye and I love...”
He shook his head, wondering what he was about to say. He wasn’t sure. A muddle of thoughts filled his mind. He was still missing Shannon more than he could say, but she was gone. Now, he was here with Lizzie.
“What about your faith?” she asked.
He nodded and placed a hand over his chest. “Ja, I still have it here in my heart.”
She quirked one eyebrow at him. “Do you? When you go back to Denver, how can you live your faith when you are apart from your familye and never join us at church? Just like a bright coal that is pulled away from the flames of a fire, you would eventually lose the warmth of your faith.”
He caught a tone of reservation in her voice. But deep inside, he believed in Gott. His faith was all that had carried him through after Shannon had passed away. Before he could say so, Lizzie quoted an old Amish saying.
“If you must doubt, then doubt your doubts, not your beliefs,” she said.
He heard the conviction in her voice, but no judgment. Her face looked passive, her voice so composed...just another one of her good qualities. Except when they had played volleyball or baseball, he couldn’t remember hearing her raise her voice. And he wasn’t sure why he’d told her about the offer or what else he expected her to say. Of course she wouldn’t want him to leave. Her faith was strong and she believed families should stay together.
“You always were so straightforward and sensible,” he said.
“Is that wrong? What else do you want me to say?” she asked.
He hung his head. “I don’t know. On the one hand, I wish you’d tell me it’s okay to live among the Englisch. That I’m still a gut man and acceptable to the Lord if I return to Denver. But a part of me also wishes you’d yell and scream at me and tell me that you want me to stay here with my familye and...”
You.
Now where had that thought come from? He wasn’t sure.
“Ach, of course I want you to stay here. We are your people. You belong here. There, I’ve said it. But it didn’t make you feel any better, did it?”
No, it didn’t. And he realized the problem wasn’t with his faith, his familye, or his work as a paramedic. The problem was with him. He loved both worlds, but hadn’t accepted himself so that he could decide where he wanted to be. Where he truly felt he belonged and where the Lord wanted him to live.
“You...you won’t mention this to my mudder or vadder or anyone else, will you? It would only upset them,” he said.
A deep, wrenching sadness filled her eyes and he thought for a moment that she was going to cry. “Ne, I won’t tell a soul. But, Eli, keeping it a secret will only delay the inevitable. What do you want? Where do you want to be? Unfortunately, you can’t choose both lives.”
He couldn’t answer. He honestly didn’t know.
“I wish you felt a firm conviction of who you are and where you ought to be. Because once you know that deep inside, there will be no turning back and you will feel a deep, abiding joy and confidence in your life. I’ll pray that you find that peace very soon.”
She turned and left as quietly as she had come. He stared after her for a very long time, pondering her words. Wishing he could know for a certainty where he belonged. But no answers came.