A LOOKOUT loomed on the right and Adam pulled the car over into the small, deserted parking lot. The note of panic in Jess’s voice and the agitated rhythm of her hands was scaring the daylights out of him.
He shut the engine off and turned in his seat to ask her to explain but she was tearing off her seat belt, clutching wildly at the door, pushing it open, leaping out.
He winced as the door slammed after her.
Damn it.
He should never have taken her to meet his father! He’d been his usual insufferably rude, condescending self and now she was understandably upset.
First Caroline and now Jess.
He watched her go, quashing the urge to go straight after her. She looked like she needed space.
He’d give her a minute or two.
Jess sucked in large gulps of the cooler night air as she walked blindly towards the rotunda perched on the cliff. The brisk sea breeze whipped her hair around and she didn’t notice the full moon or the breathtaking way it illuminated the ocean and the broad sweep of the bay below.
She was blind to it all as her turbulent thoughts crashed around her head as loudly as the surf on the rocks far below. What was she going to do?
He was going off tomorrow on yet another jaunt overseas. One of many.
This is my life.
That’s what he’d said not long ago.
And then he’d asked her to be here for him.
But how many years would he keep asking her to do that? How many years would she do it? Each time hoping this one would be his last?
Waiting to do what she wanted. Go home. Live and work in the outback with the people who needed her there.
People like her grandfather.
Get married. Have children.
Live the fairy-tale.
What had he told that reporter today? As long as there are people who need me.
Jess reached one of the picnic tables sheltered beneath the rotunda and hoisted herself up onto the table, placing her feet on the seat. She stared out at the horizon, at the light of a boat winking in the distance.
People were always going to need him.
How could she hope to compete with that?
By the time Adam joined her a minute later her heart rate had settled and the dreadful sick feeling had lessened as a sensation of inevitability had taken hold.
She knew what she had to do.
No point beating about the bush. That’s what her grandmother had always said. And if nothing else Jess had inherited a healthy does of pragmatism from old mother Donaldson. Adam stood in front of her, his hands buried in his pockets. The wind ruffled his hair from behind and she felt a rush of love that seared her to the core. She wanted nothing more than to throw herself at him. Bring him down with her on this table and love him and never let him go.
Instead she said, ‘I can’t do this.’
Adam cocked an eyebrow. ‘Have dinner with my father again?’
Jess gave a weak smile. ‘You asked me to wait for you. To be here when you got back, and I told you I would but…I can’t. Not any more.’
Adam frowned. This was not good news. He’d been happier these last weeks then he’d been in a long time. And when Jess had said yes to entering into a long-distance relationship with him, he’d been ecstatic.
He had the best of both worlds.
And he wasn’t going to give that up without a fight.
Damn his father to hell.
‘Look, I don’t ever actually see my father very much, you know.’
‘Oh, Adam.’ Jess shook her head. ‘This isn’t about your father. It’s about your mother.’
‘My…mother?’ Adam blinked. ‘You don’t like my mother?’ Everyone liked his mother.
Jess sighed. ‘Of course I liked your mother. It’s just…’ She climbed off the table and pushed past him, walking to the fenced-off edge and leaning on the railing. Adam sidled up beside her, placing his elbow next to hers. ‘I’m afraid I’ll turn into her.’
Adam frowned. ‘Jess…you’re nothing like her. You’re strong and independent and you know what you want out of life and how to go about doing it. You have a career plan and I’ve got to tell you, the way you tried to guilt the chief tonight over my mother’s headache was great. You’re not going to let anyone walk over you.’
Jess wanted to bellow. Couldn’t he see that he was walking all over her?
And she was letting him.
‘But you already are, Adam.’
Adam stilled at her words. He straightened. ‘I beg your pardon?’
Jess didn’t want to hurt him but she needed him to see what he was doing.
‘Don’t you see?’ she implored, turning her head to face him. ‘You’re doing exactly what you want and ignoring what I want, what I need deep in my heart. You want me to wait for you while you gallivant around the world. For how long? For ever? You told that reporter today that you were going to do it for as long as you were needed. Well, what about me, Adam? I have plans too and if I agree to this, if you keep asking me to wait, and I will wait, Adam, then I’ll end up sacrificing everything, just like your mother waiting for your father to retire so he’ll take her to bloody Egypt.’
Adam heard the contempt in her voice at the end. ‘Are you saying I’m like my father?’
Jess looked back out to sea. She couldn’t bear to see her home truths find their mark. ‘I’m saying that I think this relationship suits you very well indeed. Just as the relationship your father has with your mother suits him very well.’
‘I am not my father.’
Jess shook her head at Adam’s stony insistence.
‘No. In a lot of ways you’re not. You’re not a boorish pig who’s insufferably arrogant with an ego the size of Sydney. And you’re doing your damnedest to be the opposite, Adam, I can see that. Hell, you’ve spent most of your life running away from him. But you don’t realise that you’re making the same relationship errors. Asking me to do things that I don’t want to do. Treating me like he treats your mother.’
‘I’m not,’ he denied.
Jess snorted. ‘I’m learning to surf for you.’
Adam frowned. ‘You don’t like surfing?’
‘Not particularly.’
He gave her an exasperated look. ‘Why didn’t you say so?’
Jess wanted to cry. He just didn’t get it. ‘Because I’ll do anything for you, Adam. Just like your mum does for your dad.’
Adam looked out over the milky ocean. ‘It’s a good skill to have,’ he said defensively. ‘Great for your balance.’
Jess shook her head. ‘Where the hell am I going to surf at Edwinburra?’
They were silent for a moment or two. ‘The point is,’ Jess sighed, ‘you’re asking me to put aside my needs so I can be there for you. Using my feelings for you to get what you want.’
Adam felt a wave of denial rise in him. She was wrong—it wasn’t like that at all. He’d always hated the way his mother let his father walk all over her. He would never want that in his own partner.
‘Well, what do you want that I’m so callously asking you to put aside?’ he demanded.
‘I want the fairy-tale, Adam. I hadn’t realised I was giving it up until tonight. I’d been kidding myself that I was just postponing it. But my grandmother taught me to be true to myself and I’m not at the moment, Adam.’
Jess looked at the ground and absently kicked at the path for a moment before looking back at him.
‘I want the fairy-tale. And that doesn’t involve the prince being away for ten months of the year. I want some commitment that this is going to end at some stage. That at some point you’re going to want to stop moving around and settle down. Have a family.’
Adam blanched. ‘A family?’
‘Yes, Adam, I want kids and a home and the father of those children around to love us.’
Adam ran his hand through his hair. He couldn’t keep up with the speed of the conversation. ‘I think we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves. It’s only been a handful of weeks.’
Jess nodded. ‘For you, yes. But not for me. This is what I want. It’s what I’ve wanted with you since the day I met you.’
Adam reeled. ‘But…I…I never asked for this. For you to feel like this,’ Adam said. In fact, he’d warned her not to. ‘I never promised this.’
Jess turned facing the rotunda. ‘I know. I’m not blaming you. Just telling you that I’m not going to settle for less any more. For some less glittery version of the fairy-tale.’
Adam turned his head. They were close and his mouth was almost at her ear. ‘They need me,’ he murmured.
And that was the crux of it.
She needed him too but she obviously wasn’t his priority. Just like his father not making his mother a priority. That didn’t make him the bad guy. If anything, his reluctance to pull away from his beloved patients made him even more noble.
She just couldn’t be the one hanging around waiting for him to realise she needed him more.
That he needed her more.
Her heart shattered in a million pieces. She cleared her throat from the lump of threatening emotion. ‘Of course. And they are lucky to have you. Come on,’ she said, pulling away from the rail. ‘Let’s go. You have an early flight.’
Adam watched her walk towards the car. ‘Jess,’ he called after her.
‘It’s okay,’ she threw over her shoulder. ‘It’s fine.’
Adam followed. It felt far from fine. It felt…empty.
He climbed into the car beside her a minute later. She was staring out her window, her face turned away from him. He wanted to touch her, to turn her face and tell her the words she wanted to hear, but, damn it, he’d never promised her those things.
This was why he only did one-night stands.
Until Jess.
He started the car and drove off and they completed the trip in silence. He switched the engine off in the garage forty-five minutes later. Jess reached for the doorhandle and he put a hand on her shoulder. ‘Wait.’
This couldn’t be it. He didn’t want it to be over.
Jess stilled. She turned to face him. ‘Its okay, Adam,’ she said, giving him a sad smile, lifting her hand up to cradle his jaw. She leaned forward and dropped a soft kiss against his mouth.
Then she turned away, opened the door, made her way into the house and climbed the stairs to her bedroom.
She shut the door quietly behind her.
And for the first time since she was fourteen and her mother had told her about her grandfather’s death she threw herself on the bed and sobbed like a baby.
Two days later Jess finally emerged from her room. She’d ignored all knocks on her door, including Adam’s, and had only come out to use the toilet and refill her water bottle.
She hadn’t eaten or showered or brushed her teeth. She hadn’t answered any calls or texts. She had just lain staring at the wall or sleeping, her nose buried in her Adam-infused sheets.
Ruby, Tilly and Ellie were sitting at the table in the kitchen, eating tea together, when Jess entered. They all looked up. It was rare to have them all there without their partners and Jess was grateful not to have to put on a brave face in front of the men.
‘What’s for tea?’ Jess asked.
The three women looked at each other. ‘Noodles,’ Ellie said. ‘We left some for you.’
Jess nodded and helped herself to a big bowl. She was starving. She sat down next to Ruby and piled her fork high before devouring the mouthful.
‘Are you okay, hon?’ Tilly asked.
Jess nodded. ‘I will be,’ she said around her second forkful.
‘He broke it off, didn’t he?’ Ruby fumed. ‘He’s my brother and I love him but really…I warned him not to hurt you.’
Jess patted Ruby’s hand. ‘No, it’s okay, I did. I broke it off.’
All three women paused in mid-forkful and looked at her. ‘You did?’ Ellie said.
Jess laughed. She couldn’t help herself. ‘Yes.’ She shrugged. ‘I realised that I wanted more than he was offering. I deserve that.’
Ellie squeezed Jess’s hand. ‘Too right, you do.’
Tilly nodded. ‘Good for you.’
Jess smiled at her friends and they all smiled back before tucking back into the noodles.
Ruby ate a bit more than said, ‘I know it’ll be awkward around here when Adam comes home but…you’re not going to move out, are you?’
Jess shook her head. She’d thought about it and thought about it the last two days. ‘Absolutely not. We’re both adults, it’ll be fine.’
Besides, it was his loss. She was damned if she was going to move out of her home and away from her friends to save Adam some awkwardness.
He’d have to face her every day he was home.
She only hoped it hurt him as much as it was going to hurt her.
Six weeks later Adam sat in a makeshift office with his colleagues in a sweltering village church, waiting for Lai Ling and the other Eastern Beaches patients to arrive for their follow-ups.
He could feel the stirrings of excitement and welcomed it with open arms. It was the first time he’d felt something other than a bleak kind of emptiness that only working every hour God gave him could erase.
He’d pushed himself and everyone else around him mercilessly. To do more operations, to see more people. Anything to stop himself from thinking about Jess.
He’d rung and texted a couple of times in the beginning, convinced that time apart would change her mind, but when they hadn’t been returned he’d abandoned any further plans for contact.
She’d made it clear that it was over.
And he was just going to have to respect that.
If only it was as easy to stop thinking about her.
He heard a door open and looked up to see a group of people entering the church. They were all smiling and despite his nagging gloom Adam couldn’t help but smile back. The difference they’d made to these people’s lives was incredible.
They’d gone from outcasts to being embraced once again by their communities.
And then he saw Lai Ling and she beamed at him and he got to his feet and met her halfway across the room. His first thought as he greeted her and shook her hand was that he couldn’t wait to tell Jess all about it.
Damn it—when would that stop?
Then she started talking ten to the dozen, grinning the whole time, and Adam laughed. He didn’t have a clue what she was saying but just watching her face, her beautiful complete face, as she chattered away was a truly amazing thing.
He led her over to the upturned wooden crate that he was using as a desk. Several charts were stacked in the middle. His phone rested on the top of them to be handy should he need to access one of the many medical applications that had been loaded on to it. Like Lai Ling’s clinical imaging, for example. A couple of taps of the screen and he could pull up all her X-rays, MRIs and CT scans.
‘You look good,’ Adam said, smiling at Lai Ling.
‘Thank you,’ she said shyly in slow English.
Adam tilted her head from side to side, his finger under her chin as he inspected her wounds with a dermascope. Living in a village where clean, fresh water was hard to come by and nutrition wasn’t always optimal was not conducive to good healing.
But Lai Ling’s scars were fading rapidly and there were no signs of infection.
‘Good. Very good,’ he said to Lai Ling. ‘You are a very good patient.’
She beamed at him again. ‘You very good doctor.’
Adam chuckled. It was for moments like this that he did what he did. That justified his gypsy existence.
And the sacrifices that came along with it.
Lai Ling’s gaze fell on Adam’s phone. She pointed. ‘You love Jess.’
Adam looked down. Lai Ling had seen the screensaver on his phone. It was a shot of Jess laughing at him on the beach at Coogee. Her hair was blowing across her face and she looked like a real Aussie beach bum.
He hadn’t been able to bring himself to erase it.
He picked the phone up and opened his mouth to deny it. It was preposterous. How could he love her? They’d been together for such a short period of time.
But suddenly it hit him. He did love her.
He was in love with Jess.
The truth of it was so simple it was startling.
All these weeks of ignoring the ache inside, pretending it was something else. Jet lag, fatigue, lack of sleep.
Of trying to work the feelings away, bury them under as many patients and late-into-the-night surgeries as possible.
A bubble of emotion clogged in his chest. How was it that a nineteen-year-old girl in a Third World village could see the truth of it and he couldn’t?
He looked at Lai Ling. ‘Yes.’ He nodded his head then he laughed. ‘Yes, I do.’
Lai Ling beamed back at him. ‘You and Jess get married?’
‘Yes,’ Adam repeated.
If he hadn’t totally blown it.
Two hours later he pulled Dr Raylene Burr, the mission’s overseer, aside. ‘How soon can you get someone to replace me?’ he asked.
Raylene regarded him for a moment, weighing up his mood. Should she tell him the truth or sugar-coat it? ‘Pretty quickly, I imagine. Your colleagues are about to vote you off the island anyway.’
She’d never been much of a sugar-coater.
Adam frowned. ‘What? Why?’
‘Don’t be obtuse, Adam. You’ve been a pain in the butt the entire mission. You’re grouchy and have been biting everyone’s head off. You’ve been like a bear with a sore head. Or worse, just like your old man.’
Ouch!
Adam felt the criticism right down to his toes. He’d spent the last six years of his life flying around the world, trying to prove he was nothing like his famous father, only to morph into him when things weren’t going his way.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ he demanded. Raylene had worked with his father many years ago and had about as much love for the chief as he did.
Raylene snorted. ‘And get my head bitten off. I don’t think so.’
Adam’s breath hissed out. ‘Sorry. It’s just… There’s this woman…’
Raylene laughed. ‘Oh, my God. Well, well, well. I never thought I’d see the day. Adam Carmichael the world’s greatest bachelor bites the dust. She must be something else.’
Adam laughed too. It felt good. ‘Hell, yeah.’
Raylene nodded. ‘I’ll have someone here in two days.’
It felt like an eternity.
Adam was exhausted when the taxi dropped him off at Hill St four days later. No one was home so he dumped his bag in his room and went to check the calendar. According to the yellow scrawl, Jess was on a morning shift.
He checked his watch. Another five hours.
His gaze travelled up the staircase and he smiled.
Jess was exhausted when she arrived home at three-thirty. A lot of sleepless nights had seen to that. Lying awake, thinking about Adam. Wondering where he was and what he was doing. Wondering if he was angry enough with her to have hot, sweaty revenge sex with a colleague.
None of her thoughts had been conducive to sleep.
Still, she knew that the black cloud raining inside her couldn’t last for ever.
Things would get better.
She climbed the staircase, her gaze wistfully falling on Adam’s door before the incline took it out of sight.
The things she’d done behind that door.
In Adam’s bed.
The things he’d be back to doing with others on his return to Australia.
Her footsteps were sluggish, her heart heavy as she pushed open her door. She wished she could fast-forward to this time next year.
One year’s distance.
One year’s perspective.
And then a form in her bed frightened the hell out of her and she almost screamed. Her pulse sky-rocketed as she clutched her chest.
Adam.
What the hell? He wasn’t due back for another two weeks.
A feeling of déjà vu rushed out at her. Followed closely by exhaustion-induced rage. Just who the hell did he think he was? Did he think he could just come back home and pick up where they’d left off? That she’d forget he’d chosen his work over her and fall back into bed with him?
Even if, once again, his gloriously naked body begged to be touched.
She marched across to the side of the bed, picked up a pillow he’d once again just tossed on the floor and hit him square in the solar plexus with it. ‘Get out,’ she ordered.
Adam struggled through a hundred layers of thick, sticky slumber. It had been the first decent sleep he’d had in weeks, laying amongst the aromas he remembered so vividly. The aromas of Jess.
‘Hey,’ he protested, grabbing her arm.
‘Don’t “hey” me,’ Jess yelled as she wrenched her arm free and continued her assault on his abdominals. ‘Get out of my bed.’ Thump. ‘You can’t just come back here…’ thump ‘…and expect I’m going to…’ thump ‘…fall back into bed with you.’
Thump. Thump.
‘You chose your job over me.’ Thump, thump, thump. ‘You…’ thump ‘…moron.’
Thump, thump, thump.
Adam looked at the yelling she-devil rearing over him, wielding a cushion, her ponytail swishing madly, and laughed.
Jess thumped him three more times for good measure. ‘Don’t laugh at me!’
‘Jess,’ he said, grabbing her hand and easily removing the offending cushion. ‘Enough.’
He pulled on her arm and she toppled on top of him. ‘That’s not the way to greet the man you love,’ he murmured.
Jess pushed against his chest as her traitorous body bloomed into heat. Then he cut off the protest she was just about to launch into with a very masterful kiss.
When he pulled his mouth away she was breathing hard.
They both were.
‘Now, that’s a greeting.’
Jess felt tears prick the backs of her eyes. ‘Let me go,’ she murmured huskily.
‘Jess.’
‘Let me up, damn it!’
Adam took his hands off her very delectable butt and let her slide off him. She sat on the side of the bed and stared at the floor.
‘What do you want, Adam?’
Adam stroked a finger up her bicep. ‘You.’
Jess felt a well of despair rise in her. She turned and looked down at him. ‘Why?’ she demanded.
‘Because I love you.’
Jess sat very still as his words came to her in slow motion. Had he just said he loved her?
No.
She must have misheard. ‘What?’
Adam smiled. ‘I said I love you.’
He put his hand out to stroke her arm again and she shrank from it. ‘That’s not funny, Adam.’
‘Tell me about it.’
Jess stared at him. He had a slight smile on his mouth and sincerity shone in his lapis lazuli gaze. ‘I don’t understand.’
Adam sat up. ‘Oh, darling, neither do I. All I know is that I’ve been miserable without you. And an absolute pig to work with. The chief would be very proud. Then I saw Lai Ling a few days ago and she saw your picture on my phone and she said I loved you and I knew. Suddenly, right there in that jungle, I just knew she was right. The reason I’ve been feeling so wretched the last six weeks is because I’ve been in love with you all this time and in total denial.’
Jess held her breath. Dared she hope? ‘Really?’
He nodded. ‘Really.’
Adam could see the battle blazing in her blue eyes. She wanted to believe him but she was wary. Still, she didn’t look like she was going to slug him with a cushion again so he moved a little closer and dropped a kiss on her shoulder.
‘I had a lot of time to think on the plane and I realised you were right. I was asking you to make all the commitment and not giving you any of mine. Asking you to wait around for me, thinking only of my career and ignoring your ambitions. And I don’t want that. I want to be in a partnership where we both get to do what we want.’
She swayed a little closer to him and he pushed her ponytail back behind her shoulder. ‘I don’t know how we’re going to work it out but I love you, Jess. And I want to be with you for ever. I want to marry you and have kids with you. I want to give you the fairy-tale.’
Jess couldn’t believe her ears. He was saying all the things she’d fantasised about.
Maybe she was dreaming?
‘Just please say you’ll love me too,’ he murmured as he nuzzled her shoulder.
Jess looked into his eyes and smiled. She leaned forward and laid her forehead against his. ‘Of course I’ll love you. I’ve loved you for the last three years. And I’ll love you the next three hundred if I can.’
Adam groaned as he inched his mouth closer to hers. ‘I’ve missed you.’ And he pressed his mouth against hers in a kiss that was one of pure tenderness and love.
He pulled back. ‘I’ll quit Operation New Faces, whatever you want.’
Jess opened her eyes. The world was still spinning so she anchored her forehead against his again and clutched his biceps. ‘No, Adam.’ She shook her head slightly. ‘I don’t want you to give up what you love doing. Not straight away. Not altogether. Surely you can just cut back the number of missions you do? I know how much it means to you, how much a part of you it is.’
‘I thought you wanted me to quit?’
‘No, Adam. I wanted you to need me more than your work. To realise that I needed you more than they did. Knowing you love me, that you’re committed to me is enough. I do want us to talk about a plan for the future, though, for us spending more time together. But it doesn’t involve quitting.’
Adam’s shoulder’s sagged. ‘Thank goodness. For an awful moment I thought you were going to suggest I go into private practice like my father. I couldn’t bear that. Getting all stuffy and full of myself.’
Jess smiled. ‘So don’t. Go into the public system. God knows, it needs good doctors too. Or how about the bush? Do you know what waiting lists are like out there? People need surgeons in places where there aren’t any. You could do so much out there.’
Adam pulled back to look into her face properly. He smoothed his hand down her cheek. ‘That’s what you want to do, isn’t it? Go back and work in the bush?’
She nodded. ‘Yes, I do. But it doesn’t have to be for ever, Adam. I know you like the beach. So we compromise. That’s what love’s about. It’s what you do for the person you love. You compromise.’
Adam smiled at her. His practical country girl. ‘I love you,’ he murmured.
‘Oh Adam. I adore you.’
He kissed her then. Once, twice, three times. He couldn’t believe how incredibly lucky he was.
‘I know something else that love’s about,’ he whispered against her mouth as his hands slid to the buttons of her shirt.
Jess smiled as his mouth travelled down her neck and she angled her head more to give him full access. She pulled the sheet away to reveal his beautiful male nudity. Her eyes grew large at the sight of him.
‘Mutual admiration and respect?’ she said huskily.
‘Sure,’ he said, urging her down on the bed. ‘Let’s call it that.’
Jess smiled at him then got lost in his kiss.