TRASK SHOVED his hands in his pockets and leaned against the wall outside. The air hit him with a cold slap that he ignored. Walking out had been stupid. But he didn’t trust himself to maintain a civil tongue, so he’d have to settle for being rude. He could not take another minute of the tension at the table. Too many memories caught him by the throat. He had to remind himself that the situation was different in a hundred different ways from his own family. Their tension came from care, when his parents had never given a damn about anything but themselves and their next fix.
He laid his head back against the brick and stared up at the stars. And he’d gone down that same road for so long. Even if he pulled himself out, could he blame Felipe’s family for being worried?
And Felipe. He didn’t know whether to be pleased that Felipe had defended him so passionately or seriously irritated that he’d made such a humiliating scene. But he had to give Felipe credit for reining it in as much as he had. And because Felipe had, Trask tried to let go of the anger gnawing at him. He didn’t need to add fuel to this outrage.
He turned his head as Felipe came out of the restaurant, waving his arms and muttering curses in a number of languages. “You should’ve told them to go fuck themselves.”
“I think you did that for both of us.” Trask studied Felipe’s expression, trying to gauge if there was hurt there or just anger, and he caught Felipe doing the same to him.
“You okay?” Felipe asked, sliding his arms around Trask in a fierce hug.
“Yeah, it was the tension that got to me, the scene, not their poking.” Trask sighed as a look of discomfort crossed Felipe’s face. That was an expression Trask had rarely seen with Felipe, no matter the outburst.
“I’m sorry,” Felipe muttered. “He just pisses me off so much. This would’ve been smoother if he hadn’t come.”
Maybe, but eventually, it would’ve come out. Better that it happened sooner. Trask just wished it hadn’t been in a public place or during a meal. He wished for many things, and he wasn’t sure what he could do to keep them from slipping away. “I suppose we should go back in and see what we can salvage out of this.” Christmas was coming. Felipe shouldn’t be at odds with his family.
“Oh fuck no.” Felipe stepped away from him and waved his arms again. “If it was just Lola and Dad, hell, even my mom I could handle, but if I see Lolo again I’m just going to go off, and no one wants a repeat of that.”
Relief washed over Trask, and then he noticed Felipe shivering. “Where’s your coat?”
Felipe flapped his hand toward the restaurant. “I left it behind. I didn’t think. I wanted to check on you.”
Trask rubbed his hands over Felipe’s arms and shrugged out of his own coat. “Here.”
“Where are you going?” Felipe demanded as he turned to go back inside.
“Grabbing your coat and our dinners,” Trask replied, steeling himself in case there was any further commentary. But better him than Felipe or there would be another scene. Thankfully, he stayed outside. Their waiter was handing Ratree to-go boxes that he assumed contained their food, since everyone else’s dinner was on their plates and Felipe’s coat was over her arm.
He met the distressed gazes of Felipe’s family as he approached. He could see the apology and embarrassment in Donato, Ratree, and Lola’s eyes. Lolo stared back at Trask with his chin tilted to the same defiant angle that Felipe got. At another time, in other circumstances, Trask would’ve found that amusing.
“I—” Trask paused, but the right words eluded him. “Felipe’s happiness, his relationship with his family is very important to me.”
Ratree studied him, searching his face before nodding. She handed over the boxes and Felipe’s coat. “I believe you’ll do what’s right.”
Lola drew herself up, saying something in a language Trask didn’t recognize, her eyes flashing angrily. He didn’t need to understand. He recognized the tone of a reprimand when he heard one. The table erupted, words sizzling back and forth as Trask slipped away.
Felipe spun to face him as Trask emerged, and he could see that he’d worked himself up into a furious state again. Trask handed Felipe his coat and caught his hand. “Did you tell them off?”
“No. Come on, we’ll get sick if we stay out here half-naked. Let’s get you back to my place.”
“I don’t know why you didn’t tell them to fuck off,” Felipe fumed as they made their way to the truck.
Trask had been tempted. He hated being judged, hell, even when he deserved it. It got his hackles up every time. And times like this, when he didn’t deserve it, it dug under his skin even more, making his temper simmer. “What would it have solved other than drive a deeper wedge?” Dammit, he hated uncomfortable family situations, hated them with a holy passion. He slid behind the wheel and rested his head back against the seat. “And damned if I can’t see their point.”
“Don’t you fucking dare take their side.” Felipe twisted to face him. “All I asked was for them to give you a chance, not jump all over you. I don’t care about the twenty years between us. And dammit, your past has made you the man you are today. So yeah, it fucking sucked, and you put yourself in some shitty places, but you got yourself out of them too.”
Trask shook his head and started the truck. Felipe had his points, but if Trask was a dad, he was pretty sure he’d have serious reservations about a forty-year-old man hooking up with his son or daughter. It had taken him a bit to warm up to Reva, and she was amazing. But he could be protective of those close to him, too, and Ryan was like a brother. So he got it.
Felipe huffed out a breath and let out a few more choice oaths. His phone rang, and he ignored it. “So you said you inherited the money for the store. Who from? I thought you and your family didn’t get along.”
Trask sensed that Felipe was asking more out of a need to distract himself than curiosity, but he had to stop dodging the questions or giving only partial answers. Might as well tell all tonight. There was no reason to hold back anymore.
“My grandmother, but I had to be clean to collect on it. And man, I wanted that chance. I wanted her to see that I could build on what she left me. That I wouldn’t be like my parents. I wanted her to be proud of me. So I found myself a program, got clean, showed up back in Texas a year later with my paperwork, test results. Pissed my old man off to no end. He was hoping to contest her will and take the money for himself.” Trask sighed and scrubbed a hand through his hair.
“How long did you stay clean after that?” Felipe asked softly.
“Almost another seven months.” Trask shook his head, his hands tightening on the wheel. “Once I’d bought the place, got everything settled, inventory in stock and the initial flurry of activity was over, I convinced myself that one drink to celebrate wouldn’t hurt anybody. I could handle one damn drink. Goddamn, I was wrong.”
Trask had zero recollection of the next few nights. “All I know is that I finally came out of it several days later, naked in some damn flophouse, with a shit taste in my mouth, fresh track marks, and too many bruises.”
He glanced over to find Felipe watching him with wide, solemn eyes. “And a whole shit pile of shame and guilt?”
Trask nodded. “You nailed it, and I couldn’t face it, so I went right back to using. I couldn’t face her memory, knowing how upset it would make her if she saw me.”
Felipe caught Trask’s hand and lifted it, studying his knuckles before laying a kiss on them. “Maybe for a while, but you found the strength to fight it back again and again until you were able to say you have almost sixteen years clean. You ever think that your grandmother looked at you and didn’t see a man who kept failing but instead saw the man who kept picking himself up to wage that war again?”
Trask’s throat tightened to an unbearable ache. He’d never looked at it quite that way, but knowing his grandmother the way he had, yeah, he could see that. Felipe opened up such a wellspring in him sometimes, emotions that had been shunted aside so he could deal with the day-to-day, that the intensity of allowing himself those feelings almost physically hurt. He tugged Felipe to him. “You’re incredible, you know that?” he asked as Felipe wound his arm around Trask’s shoulder. “She would’ve loved the hell out of you.”
“And I would’ve adored her.” Felipe smiled at Trask. “I’m definitely a grandma’s boy.”
“I do like your lola.” Trask thought that if given the chance, he’d like Felipe’s grandpa too. They both spoke their minds, that was for certain, and damn the consequences.
“Well, that settles it. They’re just going to have to deal,” Felipe declared as they pulled up to Trask’s apartment building. “You come over for Christmas dinner. It’ll be fine, you’ll see. They just need to see you around, get used to you. Then they’ll open their minds enough to get to know you.”
“Oh hell no.” Trask couldn’t think of a worse nightmare while sober. A tense family dinner was one thing. He could see himself agreeing to another after the New Year, but he’d seen enough from Joe and Ryan’s family to know that holidays with a real family were supposed to happy affairs, not awkward, strained ones.
Felipe stared at Trask, his mouth falling open. “I’m not letting you spend another holiday alone.”
“That’s my decision, not yours,” Trask said firmly and went on as Felipe looked like he was about to protest. “I am not going to be the chain you jerk between you and your family. I’m not, Felipe.”
“You’re not my fucking chain,” Felipe ground out. “You’re the man who’s a big part of my life. I mean, you’re looking at houses and….” Trask stared at him in horror. “What? You weren’t thinking of asking me to move in with you if you get a bigger place?”
Sharp, panicky claws gripped Trask’s insides. Felipe was twenty steps ahead of him. Trask was just getting used to the idea that he was in love with Felipe, and Felipe already had the rest of their lives mapped out. Trask had been on his own since he was seventeen, and though he’d had lovers before, he’d never shared his life that intimately with them. Damned if Felipe didn’t make him want to try, but this was not a leap he was prepared to take blindly.
“I think we need to take a step back,” Trask said seriously as Felipe gave him an incredulous look filled with betrayal. “What you want for your life is something I’ve never looked for or wanted. I don’t want to give you a false impression that this is going anywhere more than where it is now. We need to slow this down a bit.”
Felipe pulled away, his lips tightening into a hard, unwelcome line. “Are you saying that this is just a casual thing between us? Because I’ve done that bullshit, and I’m not looking to take second place again.”
“There’s nothing casual about you, Felipe. All I’m saying is what we have now is good. Maybe it’ll lead to more, but we’ve only been seeing each other for four months. Your family hates the idea of us as a couple. Some time and space will give you and I a chance to figure out what we want. It’ll give your family time to adjust to the idea of me.” Trask stopped trying to make his argument because the set look on Felipe’s face warned him he was getting nowhere.
Felipe leaned closer, his eyes glinting dangerously. “Look, I know exactly who I am and what I want, and if you can’t handle that, Mr. I’ve Got This, then that’s your own fucking boggle. Take your space and your time and shove it up your ass.” He got out of the truck, slamming the door behind him.
“Felipe.” Trask got out as well, watching Felipe storm toward his car waving his hands in the air. Trask could hear his diatribe from halfway across the parking lot. “Come upstairs. Let’s talk. You shouldn’t drive home mad.” He did not like the thought of Felipe walking away hurt and angry.
“No!” Felipe spun around to face him. “I don’t want to see you right now. I don’t want to see anybody. Merry fucking Christmas and happy goddamn New Year.”
Trask’s stomach clenched as Felipe slid into his car and slammed that door as well. He shoved his hands in his pockets and started walking toward Felipe’s car. He’d talk him into coming inside, soothe his hurt, and then Felipe would see the sense in slowing down. He’d taken no more than a few steps before Felipe pulled off, going faster than what Trask thought was reasonable.
Trask swore and stared after him, tempted to follow, but that just might make Felipe speed more in the mood he was in. Trask wasn’t about to involve the imp in an accident. What a shitty night all around. He’d better at least text Trask when he got home to let him know he’d made it safely.
Scowling, Trask went up to his own apartment. He’d give Felipe some time to calm down. Then maybe the man might be willing to listen to reason. And they’d also have a long conversation about Felipe’s habit of driving off whenever he heard something he didn’t want to instead of dealing with it. That was not the way to handle things. It drove Trask nuts that he had to wait for a few days for Felipe to calm down so they could talk.
As Trask opened the door, an anxious Sophie and Lady crowded toward him, seeking reassurance. Trask sat heavily on his bed and comforted himself with comforting them. Well, Felipe wouldn’t get far. Not without his Lady. Which meant he would be back as soon as he realized he didn’t have her, and then they could talk.
Maybe in the back of his mind, he was seeing Felipe in that little house. That didn’t mean he was ready to ask him to live together. And it didn’t mean he never would. Just one step at a damned time. He hadn’t even bought the place yet.
Lady’s ears perked up and she headed toward the door, her tail madly waving. That could only mean one thing. Trask opened the door just as Felipe lifted his hand to knock. “I really need to give you a key, imp.”
Shock flickered across Felipe’s expressive face. His eyes glittered with tears, and his mouth was set in a mutinous, angry line. “What?”
Trask pulled him close and kissed the top of his head. “I may not be in the same place as you are, Felipe, but we are on the same journey. Stay with me. Please stay.”
Felipe’s arms came around him in a fierce hug. “You make me so mad sometimes, and then you turn around and say something like this and it’s hard to stay mad. It’s irritating.”
Trask shut the door and held him closer. “I’m sure you’ll remember.”
Felipe lifted his head and gave Trask a challenging look. “I love you.”
Trask brushed the back of his fingers across Felipe’s cheek. “I know, I do too. I know it right here.” He tapped his fist against his chest.
The smile that flitted across Felipe’s face was the only answer Trask ever needed.