Time passes incredibly quick when you are actually enjoying your life. I feel like my entire senior year has been a roller-coaster and no matter how much I begged to get off of it for a while, it couldn’t seem to find its station long enough for me to jump ship. Nowadays I’d like to believe that rollercoaster has found a new driver and is on the downhill spiral of coming to a complete halt. Life is back to its usual routine for me. I never lived an exciting life before Matty, but comparing who I was becoming while I was under his influence and who I am now is eye-opening. I spend a lot more time with Kameron these days and I’ve learned I have truly been missing out on how amazing he is as a person. I already had some great friends, but now it’s nice to think of Kameron as one of them too. We all try to hang out as much as we can, but when the group can’t be together, Kameron and I seem to always find something to occupy our time. We’re counting down the days until graduation and as frightening as it seems, I cannot wait to rid this place goodbye. The only thing that saddens me is that Kam and Matty no longer speak and I’m partially to blame. I clearly couldn’t control Matty’s actions, but I did let him in when I could’ve shut him out. Kam tells me it doesn’t bother him, but I know it does. In a way, Kam experienced as much emotional trauma over the whole situation as me. He lost the one person he considered a brother. Someone he loves dearly.

I woke up this morning in a funk. I haven’t been able to place exactly what it is all day. It’s like my senses are heightened and I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to be putting my attention on. In theory, I pay attention to too much detail in other people, but that’s just a personal problem. I can always tell who’s upset and normally why. I can tell who just got dumped and who just got asked out. I can tell when someone wants to say something but remains silent. I can tell a majority of emotions without a second glance. I’ve always been able to read people in ways others can’t. It’s a blessing and a curse all in one. I can even tell when something has gone or is going to go completely wrong. It’s a gut feeling, but with higher intensity. It’s something I can’t shake.

I’ve had it my whole life when it comes to others, yet I’m completely oblivious when it comes to myself. Some might call it crazy. Some might deem it witchcraft. Some might think I’m on the next level of insanity, but I think of it as a way for myself to prepare for what is coming. To have the safety and the security that is needed to handle a situation head on. It’s a gift and a terrible nightmare. Today I can tell I’m walking in the lines of darkness.

I walked into school this morning sick to my stomach. I spent all of first period in the bathroom fanning myself to keep from fainting. I chugged so much water in my second class that I spent all of my third back in the bathroom pacing. Something is wrong. So completely and utterly wrong. Walking to lunch, I notice Kameron sitting with some of the jocks, but I don’t see Matty. Even though the two refuse to speak to each other, they still associate with the same circle and when Kam isn’t with me, he’s with them.

Kameron looks at me. His eyes try to read me, but he fails. I glance down before he can sense too much. I’m probably pale with the nausea that’s radiating through me.

“What’s wrong with you?” Connor asks as I sit down across from him.

“I don’t know,” I reply, feeling bleak.

“Are you feeling okay?” he asks. I shake my head.

“Something’s wrong. I don’t know what it is, but something is definitely wrong.”

He sets his phone down and fear threatens his face.

“I don’t like when you say that,” he implies. The last time I felt like this, Connor’s brother was involved in a terrible car wreck. That was freshman year. The time before that was when Lauren’s mom had a miscarriage. There are countless times when I have had this feeling and each of us panic until we are given the news. I’ve never been wrong. I haven’t had this feeling in such a long time, but I know without a doubt that something bad has happened.

“Mya?” a weak voice says from behind me. I turn to see the messy headed twin of myself. Her hair is pulled atop her head and tears are stained on her cheeks. I find my feet within seconds and grip her arms. I don’t even know this girl, but I know she’s a good person despite who she hangs out with. I’ve known that all along.

“Savannah, what’s wrong?”

Her bottom lip trembles at her words. “It’s… it’s Matty.”

Something inside of my chest falls. I glance to Connor and his eyes widen. We both guess it before she says it.

“His mom passed away.”

I don’t feel anything anymore. The bad has come and with it, the grief of Mrs. Edwards consumes me.

“Where is he?” I ask, chills spreading throughout my body, making every hair on me stand straight up.

“I-” she stutters. “I-I don’t know. I was at the hospital and when she passed, he disappeared. No one has been able to find him since.”

“When was this?”

“About 4 am this morning. I’ve looked everywhere I can think of, Mya. I’m so freaking worried.”

I nod at her like I understand what she is asking of me, but I don’t give her a direct answer. I don’t have one. I grab my bag off of the floor and take off running through the crowded cafeteria. Kameron’s at my side just as I reach the double doors that take us to the parking lot. He stops me dead in my tracks, grabbing my shoulders, questioning me about what’s wrong.

I’m incoherent, but I mumble enough for him to understand.

“She’s gone. He’s missing. I’m going to look.”

He nods, realizing what I’m saying. Pain strikes his entire face. I can see his own loss suffocating him and for the briefest moment, I think of when he lost his mom. He may have been young, but he loved her, and he remembered her as a brave, strong woman who fought cancer with her greatest triumph until she couldn’t do it anymore. Glioblastoma. Better known as type four astrocytoma. The world’s deadliest brain tumor. Now Matty’s mom has lost her own battle of the same type and his best friend is out there somewhere dealing with that alone.

“I’ll check all the places I know. Call me if you find him first.” When he says this, he leans down to hold my eyes. I nod and hug him without much thought. Not just a sentimental hug—no, I pounce on him. I wrap my arms around him so tight that I’m scared to let go. Matty is out there and suffering through his own personal nightmare. I can’t even imagine what is going on inside of his head.

I pull away and take off running before Kam can react to me. He doesn’t wait though. I hear him on my trail as he races for his own car. Connor follows shortly behind him.

“All I can do is try!” He yells at me. “I don’t know where to start, but I’ll try to help.”

“Thank you!” I shout, unlocking my door and jumping inside. I’m out of the confined lot before they make it inside their cars. I know where he is. Maybe it’s a gut feeling too, but if Savannah hasn’t found him, it’s because he’s at a place he knows he won’t be found. At least not by anyone he doesn’t want to come to his rescue.

Turning down the gravel path, I speed all the way to the end. I pass the community center where I stood just months prior at the family reunion. I pass the spot in which Matty pulled off the road to ask me if I was okay. So much has changed since that day. So much is constantly changing. Matty didn’t give up on me all these years even though it seems like he did. Even if I meant little to him, I know in my heart I did mean something. I refuse to give up on him now regardless of the pain he has caused me. He redeemed our friendship for poor reasons, but I truly believe the person behind the lie was real. He was just masked on keeping up with his reputation. He showed me his true persona without thought. Despite it all, he’s always been there, and in a time like this, I have to be there for him too.

I stop at the keypad and enter the familiar number. My heart is beating with such anxiety that I see myself shaking. Please be here…

As the gate opens and I snake around the gravel path towards the cabin, I find relief as soon as I see the bright red truck. My only problem now is if he’s inside or if he’s ventured out into the wilderness.

I shut the door and race up the steps. Twisting the knob, more relief hits me as it opens. The cabin itself is dark with very little light. I don’t know my way around well enough to find the light switches, but I make out Matty’s body laid across the couch, curled inward. He wants darkness and I won’t take that away from him.

“Mads?” I say, shutting the door behind me and enclosing us in the darkness. I need him to know it’s me. Feeling my way through the dark, I sink to my knees as I feel for the couch.

“Mads,” I whisper again as I reach to touch him. He doesn’t respond to me out loud, but his hand immediately reaches around to grip my wrist, nearly making me jump.

“Hey,” I say, as he turns towards me. In the faintest light, I can make out his face. His eyes are swollen and his cheeks are red. My eyes betray me as I think of fourteen-year-old Matty when his mom told him she was going to have to go through chemo again. He laid on my bedroom floor for days in the same haze, his vulnerability on full display. He’s tried so hard to hide his weakness, but it’s time for him to let it show. You don’t lose someone without losing a piece of yourself.

I reach my other hand up to his face and try my best to wipe away his tears. I don’t know what to say. I am once again in an awkward situation because I personally don’t know how to talk through sickness and death. There’s nothing I can say that can make this any better. There’s nothing anyone can do to make this any better. It’s too late. She’s gone and no amount of preparation could actually prepare him for this feeling.

He turns again, back towards the inside of the couch, but keeps ahold of my hand, asking me to join him. I pull myself up and lay behind him. I secure both arms around him and hold him as tight as I can. I try to think of something, anything, I could say to help him in his grief, but my mind stays vacant. My own sadness lets tears fall from my eyes. Not for the loss of her life, but for the loss of a mother to Matty. Right now, he is in his quiet. It’s his calm before the internal storm. Only he is going to be able to find what he believes is his peace. The least I can do is be a constant in the waves.

Breaking Matty’s privacy, I texted Kameron a little after nightfall to tell him where we were. He and Connor appeared an hour later with food, groceries, and a box full of electronics. Matty finally got up and sat vertically on the couch when Kam walked in, but the two didn’t say anything. He accepted Kam’s bag of fast food when he offered it and we all sat in silence as we ate. Kam turned on the TV and he and Connor started wiring up an Xbox as Matty and I finished eating. Still, no one said a single word. It was an unspoken agreeance that quiet is its own form of peaceful.

I didn’t have to ask to understand what was happening in front of me. It kind of just made sense to me. This is how Kam coped with his mom’s death and how he met Matty. It’s what helped Kameron get through his dark time, and if anything, he’s reciprocating the friendship Matty gave him years ago. I wasn’t expecting this when I texted him, but leave it to Kameron to find a way to handle grief without words.

Hours begin to fly by as Kameron and Matty play various video games. Connor and I watch, but we are out of our element. Despite the awkwardness at the beginning, Matty begins going in on Kameron’s side comments and yelling at the screen with him. Before long, they bicker at each other’s throats and combat their most vicious opponents. Connor and I slip out just after midnight, and I swear neither one of them understood or cared that we were saying goodbye. I may have found Matty this afternoon, but he needs his best friend, and I can’t compete with that. Kameron will forever be able to understand Matty’s pain. He will be able to help him in his quiet and lead him one step closer to finding his peace. All differences aside, love overrides lies.

Even though it was late when I got home, my parents were awake, lying on the couch. I walked in and threw myself on them, hugging them with all of my might. I didn’t have to say anything, but it didn’t take them long before both their arms tightened around me in return. I am lucky and I won’t ever take that for granted. I wish I could give to other people the love that my parents have given me.