A Couple’s Guide to Sexual Addiction

Jeannine and Jay, both divorced, met when they were in their late thirties. For almost three years, they had what they felt was a magical relationship. Jeannine had never had such a fulfilling sexual connection as the one she had with Jay.

It was after she’d invited Jay’s mother for an extended stay that their sex life seemed to grind to a halt. Jay started staying later and later at work—or so he claimed. The truth was that he was going out for a couple of drinks with his coworkers, then returning to the office to look at porn and masturbate. Though Jay felt ashamed and embarrassed about what he was doing, he didn’t understand what was happening or how to stop. He longed to find a way to reconnect with Jeannine, but didn’t know how. They began to fight more and more often, over what seemed to be minor matters.

Finally, Jeannine confronted Jay. She told him she didn’t know exactly what he was doing at work every night, but she was pretty sure he was having an affair. She told him she was unwilling to live this way and asked him to move out—she was finished. After first denying that anything was going on, Jay finally told her about the porn. He confessed that although he kept promising himself he wouldn’t go back to view more porn, each night he did. He admitted that he didn’t understand how he had gotten so caught up in the porn.

Discovering Sexual Compulsivity in Your relationship

Every day we get phone calls and e-mails from individuals and couples who are experiencing infidelity in their relationships, whether through affairs, excessive viewing of porn (while masturbating), engaging prostitutes, visiting massage parlors that specialize in sexual massage, indulging in sexually intriguing chats online or in e-mails, or through some other form of compulsive sexual expression. When they discover what is happening, they feel betrayed. Many say they feel as if they have run with full force into a brick wall. A period of shock—for both partners—often follows. Being discovered as a sexual addict can be as difficult as discovering your partner is a sexual addict. Certainly not every betrayal is due to sexual compulsivity or addiction, but a pattern of betrayal may include sex addiction as a factor.

While some people become aware of the problem in one horrible instant of discovery, often the understanding can creep up in a series of small awakenings. The betrayed partner may have voiced suspicions that were repeatedly denied but which, over time, added up to a certainty.

No matter how you learn about your partner’s sexual addiction, it is a stunning and painful revelation. You may feel shocked or numb, hurt, ashamed, afraid, and angry. Your partner may also feel shocked or numb, hurt, ashamed, afraid, and sometimes angry. In fact, the real brick wall you have run into may well be a wall of shame about the behavior of your partner, your behavior, your inability to stop the behavior, or a lack of awareness that it was happening. Shame is a significant aspect of sexual addiction that will be explored in greater detail in Chapter 6.

What Sexual Addiction Is

Sex addiction is a compulsive urge to engage in sexual activity, thoughts, or fantasies in a way that is detrimental to the individual, his family, his friends, and/or his work. It blocks the development of true intimacy in a relationship. Sex addiction is also labeled sexual dependency or sexual compulsivity. For the ease of communication here, we will interchangeably use the terms sex addiction, sexual compulsivity, or sexual dependency to refer to this issue.

Our natural urge for sex, the way sex is used for marketing purposes, and the explosion of porn on the Internet have created a “perfect storm” of conditions leading to sex addiction.

To understand how sexual addiction can arise, it helps to understand what impulses and motivations drive the behavior.

The Sexual Impulse

As a human, you have an animal body guided by instinct. You also have a reasoning part of your brain that allows you to work with your instinctive responses. In its basic and natural form—if there has not been physical or emotional damage along the way—human sexual contact feels good, touching feels good, having an orgasm feels good. This is normal and wonderful. The natural desire for sex and sexual pleasure is not an enemy. The natural sexual impulse can guide you to finding closeness, connectedness, and intimacy with your partner.

When your natural biochemical responses produce hormonal impulses, you experience sexual desire. When sexual urges get misdirected or they become addictive or compulsive, instead of leading to pleasure and connection, the sex drive can lead to suffering.

Basically, we all want to love and be loved. At the core of our humanity, we yearn to be treated with kindness and compassion and to return kindness and compassion. And we quite naturally require human connection at a biological level. We have evolved as members of a tribe, as part of a society. We need each other.

Biology And Sex

Our needs for sex, touch, attachment, bonding, and commitment are chemically influenced in different ways at different stages of our lives. The hormone testosterone, sometimes called “the warrior hormone,” is found in both men and women. Men, however, tend to have twenty to forty times more testosterone than women. Testosterone creates an urge for sexual contact, but may also foster the desire to dominate and to be alone. Thus, it’s no surprise that men are more inclined to one-night stands—or that they like to roll over and go to sleep afterward.

In men, testosterone levels peak in the morning and are lower at night. They cycle up and down every fifteen to twenty minutes. It is widely known that at puberty young men are hit with a flood of testosterone. Testosterone also spikes for young women at puberty, but women produce more of the hormone estrogen. Estrogen causes a woman to want to be held, and causes her to feel receptive to sexual advances.

Touch and the chemicals released with touch also play a vital role in our survival, happiness, and our experience of connectedness. Studies have shown that babies do not thrive and can die when there is a lack of touch. As we grow older, without touch we become more subject to senility and can die sooner. Touching and being touched by someone alters our chemical composition, strengthening the biochemical bond with that individual. Even a thought of the person can cause a hormonal surge. A chemical reaction occurs that actually causes a craving for more touch from that individual. In this way, touching and being touched are literally addictive.

The physical structures in your brain also influence how you respond to the world. The prefrontal cortex, which sits right behind your forehead, is associated with personality, intelligence, ethics, and morality, and with regulating control over emotional and sexual urges.

In other words, you can override the primitive call-of-the-wild automatic responses we all have that compel us to get away from pain and danger and to move toward pleasure. Studies have shown that we can engage the thinking function of the prefrontal cortex by something as simple as using our thinking function to label an angry face as “angry.”

By putting just a little bit of awareness around your automatic survival response, you can begin to have a choice about the response. This is one of the vital components of overcoming sexual addiction. By understanding your biological influences, you can start to work with your urges and impulses as they arise. You can begin to see how your biology naturally creates a desire for sexual connectedness or a desire to masturbate or a desire to dominate or a desire to be receptive to sex or a desire to touch and be touched. You can begin to find ways to work with these energies so they do not overwhelm your relationship. You can find ways to work with your biochemistry so your desires for attachment, connection, bonding, and commitment can be met.

Pornography

Because of the way our hormonal impulses can drive our behaviors, sex has also become entangled with power and domination, which is at odds with our need for closeness, touch, and connection. The portrayal of sex as a matter of power and domination is a common theme in much of porn. This can create a distortion and confusion about sexual impulses and what is actually desirable for women. Those who have viewed a lot of pornography can start to imagine that women in real life are like the women portrayed in pornography. This is one way that sexual compulsion can damage relationships.

Viewing porn can be instantly gratifying. It’s readily available and doesn’t require connection or cooperation. Testosterone drives the urge for sexual expression, and men seem to be more oriented to being aroused and attracted visually. In particular, when sexually explicit materials are introduced (or discovered) during puberty, a cycle of connecting with the sexual excitement and release that comes with the viewing of pornography can be set in motion in a way that impacts the view of and approach to sexuality for many years to come. The natural maturing of the capacities for sexual connection through truly intimate contact can become diverted.

In 1953, the face of pornography changed with the first issue of Playboy magazine. Playboy and its related magazines brought pornography into more public—and widespread—view at magazine stands everywhere. These objectified and sexualized images of women were packaged as a lifestyle choice available to any successful and intellectual gentleman. Playboy and Penthouse magazine vied to produce the most sexually explicit material. In 1974, with the publishing of Hustler magazine, the limits of what was acceptable for mainstream distribution were pushed even further, laying the groundwork for the multibillion dollar porn industry of today.

With the explosion of Internet porn—and computers to view it on—porn is now accessible in ways it never was before. Any kind of pornographic material that can be imagined (or desired) is available instantly in the privacy of one’s home or office. Greater accessibility has also led to more explicit and increasingly violent material aimed at younger audiences. Currently, the average age at which a child first views porn online is eleven—and what a child sees is a far cry from that first edition of Playboy.

It is no secret that pornography tends to depict sexuality from a view that objectifies. Many of our clients have found it difficult to understand that the view of sex portrayed by porn is a fantasy. It is a type of fairy tale created for men by the porn industry because sex sells. That doesn’t mean porn is necessarily bad. Sometimes couples can use it as part of a healthy sex life. For example, sexually explicit materials that depict partners sexually connecting and caring for each other can model the connection that is possible through human sexuality. However, an individual who compulsively uses pornography generally needs to abstain from viewing pornography completely.

The Label “Sex Addict”

Many people resist the “sex addict” label. They don’t want to associate addiction with their behaviors or with their relationship. Sometimes it’s easier for people to think they simply have a bad habit. We encourage them, and encourage you, not to get stuck on words, but to focus on healing. Whether we use the label bad habit, addiction, compulsion, or dependency, or any other words, if your behavior is creating suffering, then you have a problem. For the individual who is caught by sexual compulsion, sex has become something other than an intimate expression of loving connectedness. The pleasure that is inherently present in orgasm or connection with another has been altered and is being used as a balm, an escape, a distraction, rather than being enjoyed for what it does offer.

Unfortunately, shying away from the phrase “sex addiction” can keep you from the very information that can be helpful. If you know what sex addiction means, then if you are suffering from it (or your partner is), you can recognize that you’re not alone and you can find help and relief for the pain that compulsive behavior causes.

Just because someone likes to masturbate or to have sex doesn’t mean that he or she is a sex addict or has a problem. A friend of ours asked if we thought he had a problem because he loves to look at his fiancée when she is naked, and he really enjoys having sex with her—frequently. We assured him that he is a healthy male.

What Are the Signs of Sexual Addiction?

To determine if you (or your partner) may have a problem with sexual addiction, ask these questions:

1. Are you (or is your partner) preoccupied with sexual thoughts, impulses, or desires?

2. Are your (or is your partner’s) sexual behavior(s) getting in the way of having the intimate connection you want to have?

3. Are your (or is your partner’s) sexual behavior(s) getting in the way of work or causing financial problems?

If you answered yes to even one of these questions, it is likely that sexual compulsivity is an issue for you. At the very least, you can assume that sexual compulsion is creating problems for you in your life and with your relationship.

You have an issue with sex addiction, dependency, or compulsion if your sexual behaviors interfere with your day-to-day living by causing stress on your family members, friends, other loved ones, and/or work. If your sexual expression has become self-defeating, then you have a problem. If your sexual behaviors are getting in the way of intimacy, then you have a problem. Your natural animal instinct to soothe yourself with this particular type of behavior is overriding your capacity to regulate your impulses in a way that allows for human connection and intimacy.

The problem with soothing yourself with sexual behavior is that the soothing is momentary. You may feel ashamed, too, because you are probably aware that your behavior is out of your control. An internal war is going on. Life is not working. As George likes to describe the cycle of sexual compulsivity, “You can’t get enough of what won’t satisfy you.”

Porn and Masturbation—“All Men Do It”

If someone says you have sexually addictive behavior, your automatic response may be, “All men do it,” “Are you kidding me? This is just how guys are wired,” or “This doesn’t have anything to do with my relationship. It’s no big deal.”

But if you could let go of the defensiveness for a moment, you would probably say something like, “Please don’t make me stop. I really need this. This is the one thing I can count on to never let me down.”

It’s easy to understand that when one of the partners in a committed relationship has an affair the behavior is harmful to the relationship and is unacceptable. But when you’re simply masturbating, you may wonder, “What’s the harm in that? If the sexual impulse is so natural, then why would following it create a problem?”

Let’s dig into this. Start with a natural, run-of-the-mill instinctive sexual urge—just an urge on its own, not connected to feeling close and loving toward someone—just that nice warm sexual urge that kind of glows in your genital area. At its most simple, that urge is the desire to feel the release and pleasure in an orgasm. So the individual masturbates and has an orgasm. It just feels good, and there isn’t a problem.

Most of us masturbate; that’s not the problem. The problem occurs when masturbation interferes with our relationships. Most of us have sexual thoughts and feelings about people we see and meet that we find sexually attractive. Again, that’s not a problem. It only becomes a problem when you’re driven to engage in sexual behaviors that interfere with the rest of your life.

Someone who does not have an issue with sexual compulsivity might have a hard time understanding it. A man who isn’t addicted to pornography can look at porn, even be stimulated by it, but he will not need to go back to it day after day. As one such man reported to us, “When I look at porn, after about fifteen minutes it just gets kind of boring. I’d much rather have sex with my wife.”

Sexually Compulsive or “Normal”?

If you’re sexually addicted, your behavior may include the compulsion to view Internet porn and masturbate, but generally, it doesn’t end there. For example, the sexually compulsive man goes to lunch and sees a pretty waitress wearing a tight T-shirt and a short skirt. Now, almost any man is going to notice how attractive she is and might even be sexually aroused, but the sexually compulsive man will take it further. He will try to give her his business card. He will imagine having sex with her. Then he will take the memory of her out of the restaurant with him. He’ll remember what she said, how she said it, and he will imagine that she wants to have sex with him. Then he might take it even further. When he gets back to his office or when he gets home that night, he will search the Internet for a porn video of someone who resembles her so he can masturbate to her memory. Even if he doesn’t like the restaurant, he may go back over and over again, just to talk with her to continue his fantasy. She may even tell him that she is not interested in a relationship with him, but his fantasy will continue.

A sex addict can find it difficult to reconcile that when he masturbates to porn he is not having sex with a real person, or when he goes to a prostitute he is not in an actual relationship. Many times clients have been surprised and hurt to learn that the interest their prostitute “girlfriend” is feigning is based on the money she is being paid. The “guy gets girl” happy ending with the prostitute only happens in the movies—it’s just another one of those fairy tales.

An average guy can look up the sports scores on his computer without being compelled to go to his browser’s hidden bookmarks that lead to porn. He doesn’t need to step into the bathroom for a quick release before an important meeting. He doesn’t need to position his computer away from the door to ensure that someone coming in won’t catch him looking at something sexually explicit. He doesn’t need to wipe the history and cookies from his Internet browser several times a day to avoid detection.

The average guy is not troubled by his interest in sex. He enjoys having sex. He doesn’t need to keep his sexual thoughts, actions, and fantasies a secret from his partner. The sexually compulsive individual knows that his secret sex life is keeping him from the connection that is possible. He just doesn’t know how to limit (and stop) the sexual behaviors that are getting in the way of intimacy with his partner.

Admitting a Problem Exists

The key, as with so many other areas in our lives, is to first recognize and admit that a problem exists. Recognizing this can help you uncover the roots of your self-destructive behaviors.

For example, when Dan, a successful manager of public works projects in his early thirties, first came to see us, his relationship with his girlfriend had blown up after she discovered that he had been texting, instant messaging, and then meeting couples to have sex with them. His story began with the use of Internet porn, which escalated into more risky behaviors.

After several months of counseling, he began to see the underlying feelings of worthlessness that were driving his actions, a kind of panic response. He understood how he had been attempting to lessen his uncomfortable feeling with the distraction and rush of masturbating to Internet porn and having sex with couples.

At that moment, he said, “I’m not a sex addict, I’m just trying to get away from this painful feeling.” While he did not want to admit to the label, he had clearly seen that his addictive behaviors were a cover-up for the actual problem.

Is Dan a sex addict? Yes, he certainly has an issue with sexual compulsivity. He will always need to remember how he has picked a whole range of sexual distractions as his coping strategies. Until he is further along in his recovery, these coping strategies (e.g., sexual acting out) will probably continue to arise automatically when he feels hurt, angry, lonely, or tired.

Why Me?

In counseling, we mostly see men who are acting out sexually with porn, prostitutes, and/or serial affairs. These can certainly be issues for women as well, but we’re describing the general trend. We’re often asked why some people seem to have a weakness in connecting intimately and sexually. Why do certain people get caught up in acting out sexually while others do not? It appears to be a combination of life experience interacting with the natural animal survival impulses—a combination of nature and nurture.

Sexualization and Objectification

It’s neither a secret nor a revelation that our society sexualizes and objectifies women. Sexuality is used to get our attention, to promote, and to sell. In advertising for milk, cars, and sports, we are bombarded by images of women’s breasts, legs, and hair. Men and women alike are inundated with such sexualized images and messages.

In our practice, we have found that many of the men who have issues with sexual compulsion have been taught in a quite overt way to view women through a sexual lens. These men have heard highly sexual messages about women from their fathers or from their older brothers or friends, such as how good it is to “get a lot of pussy.” For example, our client Jeff described how his dad told him to go ahead and have sex with women whenever he could. “However,” he warned Jeff, “be sure and use a condom.”

A young man learns from his father, his friends, and from the society around him. Jeff’s father had a stash of Playboy magazines that he hid under the bed. Jeff’s father alerted Jeff to take note how he would put a twenty-dollar bill on the mantle for Jeff’s mother whenever “she gave him some.”

If a young man’s father looks at young girls in a sexual way, the son notices. When Jeff was thirteen, his father shared with him that he was in love with the daughter of a family friend, Jeff’s thirteen-year-old classmate and friend. The father confided in Jeff, “I think it could work out with her.” So as Jeff was first feeling the blush of his budding sexuality, he learned that women were there to have sex with whenever you can, that even his thirteen-year-old female friends should be considered in this light.

It is not so surprising that when Jeff came to us, even though he loved his wife dearly, he was fixated on masturbating to porn on the Internet. He and his wife were dismayed by the fact that he couldn’t really be sexually passionate with her. He only felt safe and connected to the images on the computer. And his image of choice for viewing pornography was girls who looked to be about thirteen.

Even in less overtly damaging situations, boys and girls alike are surrounded by sexualized messages. This kind of thinking keeps us in the realm of fantasy, which tends to focus on appearances. The “men will be men” overlay, the image of the hookers and strippers at the bachelor party, is a widely known and widely accepted stereotype. There are regular reports of prostitutes being available as a reward for men in high-rolling business circles. This seems to be an accepted part of the world in which we live.

It is often noted that men sexualize and objectify women, but it may not be as readily apparent how women sexualize and objectify themselves and other women. You probably have noted how men tend to be stimulated visually. Women are aware of that fact. Because of the ways women are biochemically wired, they are influenced both consciously and unconsciously by how they feel they are being viewed. Although each of us as humans are aware of our appearance and how that appearance influences others’ perception of our value, women are particularly subject to this pressure. We have found that for women, the focus on physical appearance can often manifest in issues around food and eating or around shopping and spending.

It can be helpful for both partners to recognize the influence of sexualization and objectification. We have found that in most relationships, there are times when each of the partners feels that they are not being seen for who they really are. In fact, it would be a miracle if this didn’t happen. Each one of us is impacted by physical and biochemical influences. We each have been subject to the influences of our family upbringing, even in the most idyllic of circumstances. We are each a product of the cultural influences around us. We are subject to all of the objectification that comes with being human.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Sex addiction is a compulsive urge to engage in sexual activities, thoughts, or fantasies in a way that is detrimental to the individual, his family, his friends, and/or his work. It blocks the development of true intimacy in a relationship.

• For someone caught by sexual compulsion, sex has become something other than an intimate expression of loving connectedness. The pleasure that is inherently present in orgasm or connection with another has been altered and is being used as a balm, an escape, a distraction, rather than being enjoyed for what it does offer.

• The sexually compulsive individual may know that his secret sex life is keeping him from the connection he wants to have. He just doesn’t know how to limit (and stop) the sexual behaviors that are getting in the way of intimacy with his partner.

• The natural urge for sex, the way sex is used for marketing purposes, and the explosion of porn on the Internet have created a “perfect storm” of conditions that lead to sex addiction.

• To understand how sex addiction can become a problem, it helps to understand the impulses and motivations that drive the behavior. Gaining understanding about these influences, it is possible to work with the urges and impulses as they arise.

Looking Forward

In Chapter 2, we’ll talk about what happens when you first discover sexual addiction in your relationship (either your own addiction or your partner’s), and we’ll show you how to begin the healing.