It’s another boring Friday night, and I’m doing my usual routine. Soaking in my tub, candles lit, and listening to Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes in the background singing “If You Don't Know Me By Now,” I closed my eyes and swayed in the water to the beat.
Oh, how I wish I could go back to those days of courtship and flirting with my husband. Back when I felt like I mattered. Tommy's idea of a date is us eating fish at his favorite restaurant, Baxie's Fish & More, and coming home to watch a movie. He, of course, falls asleep during the movie but pretends he is not sleeping. What is that about? Why is it so hard for men to admit when they fall asleep?
As of late I feel like we are just going through the motions. I am so over it all. I honestly just feel like being left alone. We are not in sync. Tommy has checked out of our marriage. He has become content; however, I want some excitement. Back in our dating days he was so attentive. I received flowers, candy, just because gifts, and he took me on romantic dates. We were so into one another, and now we seem to be so disconnected. My husband is a hunk of a man: six-feet-six, smooth mocha latte skin, and often mistaken as the NBA player Rick Fox. Now granted, he has gained a little weight. Yet, he still looks good. I’m not too bad myself; five-feet-seven slim, thick in all the right places, meaning I’m not overweight, but I’m not skinny either. I am somewhere in the middle. Tommy’s pet name for me used to be “thickums”.
I added some more hot water to my now lukewarm water.
I feel like now I’m living for my husband and our two kids. Every other day I am asking myself now what? What about me? What about my needs and wants? I feel like life is just passing me by. I did not sign up for this. I also miss my days of working and interacting with people. I was the head cook at Orchard County High School for fifteen years. Last year I retired. I guess you can call it retired after a slip and fall accident. After knee surgery. I filed for disability and never returned to work.
Big mistake. I regret letting Tommy talk me into that. He said he thought it would be best for me not to return because I would be putting too much pressure on my knee from long hours of standing. Secondly, his sister had the same knee surgery and never recovered; he left out the part about her not completing her rehab.
Tommy turned fifty-five last year and acts as if he has lost his mind. He buys every gadget he sees or hears about, and has shaved his head bald and is wearing those darn skinny jeans. Most of his time is spent playing with his gadgets in the garage, which by the way, he has turned into a man cave.
Our kids, Tameka and T. J., are grown and still living at home. Tameka is a professional student. That child can’t decide what she wants to do. First it was cosmetology/nail tech, then came dental assistant, pharmacy tech, phlebotomy, and now she is studying to pass her real estate test. Tameka’s currently working at an apartment complex as a leasing agent.
Don't let me start on T.J.; he's a part time grocery store clerk at G-Mart and has been since his junior year in high school. Now you would think at some point he would apply for a full-time position or even become a manager or supervisor, right? Wrong... That boy had enough nerve to tell me it's too much responsibility being in charge. Never mind the benefits and the extra income. Who needs it when you are living off your parents?
That's why I've got to get out of here. These people have drained me. Tommy and the kids can have this house. When we first moved in, I was ecstatic about us being in the woods away from family. Tommy and I found some land in Sweet Lily, Texas, thirty miles outside of Dallas, and built our dream home. Five bedroom, three baths, living and dining area with an entertainment room. Honestly, the only thing that brings me joy from this house is my jacuzzi tub. I wish Calgon would take me away for real.
"Clarice, how long you gonna be in there? Got something I need to talk to you about," Tommy announced from our bedroom.
Every time I get myself settled in my tub, someone disrupts my time.
I soaked another five minutes or so, dried my body, and put my robe on.
"What is it?” I said as I entered our bedroom and plopped down on my side of the bed and began to lotion up.
"I don't know how to say this. I guess the best thing to do is to just say it.” Tommy paced the floor, avoiding eye contact with me.
"Say what?"
"There's no easy way to say this."
"Spit it out already."
"I want to join a motorcycle club. Now I know you think I'm too old, but hear me out. I love the oneness I have with the bike. It's an amazing rush."
"You enjoy the oneness, I'll say. You need to be trying to focus on your oneness with me."
"There you go again with that. I told you I have a doctor's appointment scheduled."
"You told me that lie months ago." I rolled my eyes.
I can't even remember the last time we made love. It probably was on my birthday last year. It's sad that I can't even remember, and Tommy acts as if it’s not important.
"How are you going to join a bike club, and you don't own a bike? And when and where have you been riding a bike?"
"Herman and Levi..."
"Good ole Herman and Levi. I can always count on them to talk you into doing something stupid."
Herman and Levi are his best friends. They went to high school together and work at the post office together.
"Harley Davidson was having a sale and…"
"I don't care if Harley Davidson was giving away bikes." I snapped. “I know darn well you didn’t buy a motorcycle.”
“Baby, why you—”
"Unfreaking believable!" I cut him off, leapt to my feet, walked over to our bedroom window, snatched the curtain open, and spotted the shiny black bike.
"I know we agreed that we wouldn't make any major purchases without discussing it first, but this was a deal I couldn't pass up. You know you have been saying we need to do more stuff together. I can buy us matching helmets." He grinned.
"Tommy, you've got to be crazy if you think I believe you. You bought that motorcycle because as usual you were thinking about you and only you."
"Baby, that's not true."
"Save it, I don't want to hear it." I went into the bathroom and slammed the door.
I sat on the toilet and allowed my tears to flow.
I don't even know why I’m crying.
I was used to this.
That's the problem. I was used to Tommy putting me on the back burner.
I rolled some tissue off its roll and blew my nose.
It's time to get up out of here.
I washed my face and grabbed my toothbrush and makeup bag.
When I came back into the bedroom, Tommy was gone. No surprise there.
I went into my closet, and got as many clothes that could fit into my suitcase. I placed my gowns and undergarments in my large duffel bag.
I wasn't worried about running into Tameka or T.J. on my way out because they were both out on dates.
When I made my way to the garage, I noticed the motorcycle was gone which meant Tommy was out for a ride.
I placed my bags in the back seat of my Chevy Equinox, backed out of the driveway, and gave the house a final glance.