I tossed and turned most of the night. Was I really ready to move on without my husband? Tommy isn't a bad person. He just isn't attentive, which is why we're disconnected. Our emotional connection just isn't there. A few months ago, I was hopeful that things would turn around when Tommy told me that we were going on a couple’s trip with Levi and his girlfriend Ginger. I didn't really want to go because Ginger ain't really my cup of tea. We don't have anything in common. She's thirty-four, into all the reality TV shows, rap music, and she smokes. To top it off, her whiny baby voice annoys the crap out of me. I agreed to go if we drove separate cars.
The week of the trip I went shopping for lingerie, and my girlfriend Marian bought me a pheromone spray for the weekend. I had never heard of such a thing.
"Girl, where did you get this from?" I asked as she shoved it into my suitcase.
"I got it from a spice-up-your-bedroom-life party I attended last weekend."
"This spray is perfect for getting the mood right," Marian said, high fiving me.
"What exactly am I supposed to do?"
"Just spray a little in the room, and let the spray do the rest. Hubby was ready for the races after I sprayed it in our bedroom," she added.
When we arrived at the Winstar Casino and Resort, Tommy retrieved our bags and we checked in. Our room was a nice suite with a king size bed, private sitting area with a sofa sleeper, microwave, and flat screen TV. I was starting to feel giddy.
"Babe, Levi and I are going to hit the slots for a minute, then we'll go to dinner," Tommy announced while I was in the bathroom.
Before I could respond, he was out the door.
I didn't get upset. It was six o’ clock so we had the rest of the evening to enjoy one another. I inspected the room a little bit more and decided to take a shower. After my shower, I applied my makeup and got dressed. I admired myself in the mirror. My black and gold maxi dress was fitting just right and my long wavy micro braids had me feeling myself. I grabbed my iPad from my duffle bag and scrolled through my social media pages to kill time. After a couple of hours Tommy still hadn't come back to the room. I watched a few episodes of Law and Order and then decided to go downstairs to the casino.
Just as I thought, he was at the blackjack table with Levi.
"Baby, I was just about to come upstairs," he said with slurred speech.
"Yeah, right." I rolled my eyes. "I thought we were going to dinner."
"I can't leave now, I'm hot. Give me another thirty minutes or so," he pleaded.
"Tommy, I'm hungry now." I spat.
"Why don't you and Ginger grab something to eat?"
"Whatever," I said and walked away.
I ended up going to the casino's buffet and ate dinner solo. On my way back to my room, I saw Ginger sitting at the bar talking to a guy. They were sitting very close and making googly eyes at one another. She didn't notice me passing by.
When I arrived back to the room, I changed and put on my lingerie and tuned in to another episode of Law & Order.
Tommy came in thirty minutes later looking downtrodden
"Did you hit the jackpot?" I asked.
"Nah, babe, I didn't. I’m going to take a shower, and I'll be out in a few."
"Alright, baby, I'll be waiting."
I sprayed the pheromone spray all over the room as well as on Tommy's pillow. I even sprayed some on my braids. I was ready to see what the rest of the night might bring.
I turned off the lights, pulled out my iPad and told Alexa to play Luther Vandross.
When Tommy came out of the bathroom, I was in full gear and ready to take off.
I sang So Amazing along with Luther.
Tommy eased into bed. I snuggled up close to him and placed a kiss on his cheek. He then kissed my nose, found my mouth, and kissed me passionately. Things were heating up. He pulled me into his arms and held me for a while. I was now on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. A few more minutes went by and then I heard a light snore. Yep, he was asleep. I ruffled the covers and shook him.
“Tommy, get up!” I snapped.
“Babe, I’m so tired, let’s just go to bed. I’ll make it up to you. We have all weekend.”
I went to bed with a massive attitude. The next day we ate breakfast, then he spent the day on the slots. I visited the shops and picked up a few items and ate lunch by myself. We met up for dinner. He won $1500 and gave me half of it. I guess he assumed that would make me happy.
“Why are you all frowned up?” he asked.
“We haven’t spent any time together, Tommy.”
“We’re together now.” He flashed his smile.
I wanted to go off on him, but Levi and Ginger were sitting across from us, and I didn’t want to make a scene.
“I know if my man won some money and gave me half, I’d be Kool Aid-smile happy.” Ginger chimed in.
I side-eyed her.
We finished dinner in silence. Tommy went back to the slots. I returned to the room and watched The Fresh Prince of Bel Air marathon until I fell asleep. Around two a.m. Tommy eased into bed. I didn’t waste my breath. I rolled over and went back to sleep. The next day I threw that spray in the trash. Clearly it didn’t work.
My phone rang, disrupting my thoughts and bringing me back to reality.
It was Tameka. I decided to answer the call.
“Mom, where are you?”
“Well, hello to you too,” I said.
“Hi, Mom, where are you?”
“I’m minding my business and leaving yours alone.”
“When are you coming back?”
“Yeah, Mom, when are you coming back?” T.J. added.
“Baby, I miss you. I don’t know what I did, but whatever it is, I will make sure I never do it again. If you want me to get rid of the motorcycle, I will.” Tommy chimed in.
Apparently, Tameka had me on speakerphone.
I took a few deep breaths.
“I don’t know when or if I’ll be back,” I said sternly.
“What do you mean if?” Tommy raised his voice.
“Like I said, I don’t know when or if I’ll be back. I will be in touch with you all soon.” I hung up the phone before they could respond.
Tommy called again, but I didn’t bother to answer.
I rolled over, picked up the remote and channel-surfed until I saw Pastor Preston Allen, the pastor of Sweet Lily Baptist Church. Peggy recently joined his church and had been begging me to visit. I turned the volume up. The choir had just finished “Total Praise,” one of my favorite Richard Smallwood songs. “Please stand for the reading of the Word. Our scripture focus today is Ecclesiastes 2:17. I’m reading the New Living Translation, and it reads “So I came to hate life because everything done here under the sun is so troubling. Everything is meaningless—like chasing the wind.” Today I want to talk about I Didn’t Sign Up For This.”
I sat up straight in the bed, pulled out my phone and typed in the scripture to read it. I wanted to hear what Pastor Allen had to say. “The disappointments of life will oftentimes make us say ‘I didn’t sign up for this.’ I’m here to tell you today, my brothers and sisters, that life brings about some disappointment. Disappointment happens for all of us. It’s how we handle those disappointments that makes a difference. Several people are unhappy about the life they have. Even the rich are not satisfied. In this text Solomon says he hates life, that all we do is for nothing and is vanity, like trying to catch the wind. We can’t catch the wind. How many times have you said ‘I did all of this and still nothing?’ The kids won’t act right. My spouse won’t act right. I did all of this for nothing. I didn’t sign up for this.”
Several of the congregants said, “Amen” in agreement with him.
I nodded my head, too, because I could certainly relate.
“I need to let y’all know that in this world you will never be satisfied because this world is temporary. This world is not your home. You can gain the world and lose your soul in the pursuit of trying to find happiness. Whatever you accomplish will be left behind when you leave here.
“Cherish what you have. It was Paul who said in Philippians 4:11-13 that he’s learned how to be content no matter the circumstance or adversity. He says he can do all things through Christ who strengthens Him. This brings contentment to Him even in the worst of times.”
Pastor Allen preached a little more and wrapped up his final thoughts.
“We will always be faced with some trying times, but I want to encourage you to stay the course. If you’re going through a tough time on your job, in your marriage, with your kids, whatever it is, give it to God. Turn it over to Him. The problem is that you keep trying to fix it. Take your hands off it and give it to God. Don’t throw in the towel. You must change your focus. You are so concerned about how you’re feeling, but think about how Jesus felt when He died for our sins. He didn’t hang on the cross and say, ‘I didn’t sign up for this.’ It’s because of Him that we are still here. Don’t complain, saints. It could be worse. What if it all vanished in a moments time? Pray and seek God for counsel. The world may offer you what you consider pleasure, but real true pleasure comes from God. He’s the only one who can fulfill your needs. Trust Him.”
I was in tears. I felt as if Pastor Allen was speaking to me.
I was so lost and confused.
What is it that I really need?
Pray. I heard a voice say.
It startled me but didn’t scare me.
I immediately bowed my head and prayed.
“Lord, I know I’m not perfect and I know that I need to talk to You more. Lord, please help me. I don’t know what to do. I am asking that You reconnect Tommy and I. Lately, I’ve been feeling lonely, like I’m in this marriage by myself. Lord, please fix this mess. Amen.”
I sobbed.