By 5 a.m. the next morning I was showered and sitting rigid in an armchair, my breath coming in shallow gasps.
I had to do this. And do it now.
I have no idea what time Adrius woke up. He eyed me curiously before crossing the room to where I sat in stone cold stillness. His shirt was still partially unbuttoned, white linen pants rolled at the hem and tied loosely around his hips. A vision in white. My angel. My hero. My destroyer.
I swallowed, watching as he ran both hands through his tousled hair.
He dragged his chair in front of mine, close enough for our knees to touch. His elbows were on his knees. He leaned forward and searched my eyes. The sadness mirrored back to me sent fresh waves of pain to my heart.
He looked deep into my thoughts and I didn’t push him away.
“Lorelei, tell me what you want. We’ll do it your way. Whatever you decide.”
I kept my hands clenched on each thigh. Too terrified to move. If I move I won’t do it. And I had to do it.
He slid his hands along the outside of my thighs and covered my trembling hands with his. The heat felt comforting, though too hot. I tried to pull away but he trapped them gently but firmly between us.
“This isn’t something we can hide from, Lorelei. And time is passing quickly. Too quickly. We have to decide now.”
I glanced up at him through damp lashes. Droplets still clung from the hour long shower I’d stood under trying to sort the myriad of emotions. I would always love Adrius more than humanly possible. But the pain, guilt, agony, loss… it had become impossible to separate them from that love.
Instead of pulling my hands away, I threaded my fingers between his, soaking up their warmth as I’d done so many times before. His touch was as natural as breathing.
My plan was the only way to keep everyone safe. Ignorance is bliss. The less my human friends knew about the mythological dangers surrounding them, the better. Knowing too much was a hazard, and my life had become infinitely more dangerous because of it. It was best that they be kept safe and in the dark, living with the belief it was more fairytale and fantasy than reality. My friends would hate being lied to. If the choice was ticked-off and alive, or dead… I’d rather endure the wrath. Their anger I could live with, but never their deaths. Even in my head my voice sounded conflicted. And unsure. I wanted Venus stopped and the fierce dark look in his eyes said that he did too. This was the only way.
“This isn’t working. You and me. You— you have to go with her, Adrius.” I choked on the words, making them barely audible.
At first he didn’t respond. He just continued to hold my hands in his and watch with his olive gaze, reading my thoughts the way he’d always been able to.
If this was going to work I had to convince him that the only solution was for us to break up. To end things and for him to return to the Nevermore with Venus before the veil closed. It was the only way. He would never let me go back there myself, not even to fix things. He thought it was too dangerous. He was right, of course, but what choice did I have? I’d been given these gifts for a reason. To sit and hide and do nothing in the face of everything that was going down was a poor way of showing my gratitude for everything we’d all endured up until this point. I couldn’t sit by and do nothing. I had to try. I pushed all other thoughts back into the recesses of my mind and focused on my resolve. To end things.
“This probably seems pretty cowardly.” The quiver in my voice had faded.
“You are the bravest person I know,” he countered softly.
My hands trembled and he tightened his grasp to still them.
“You wouldn’t think so, if you had any idea how freaked out I am right now. Knew the crazy things going through my mind.”
He nodded. Even if my thoughts were hidden, he’d have no trouble reading the panic in my eyes.
“What are you thinking?” I asked as his brows suddenly tightened. His gaze dropped to our hands, now inseparably entwined like knotted thread. I worked to untangle my fingers from his, laying them flat against my thighs to smooth invisible wrinkles from my yoga pants.
“I’m wondering why you’re really doing this.”
“Adrius, isn’t it obvious? I can’t… we can’t continue like this. It’s too… hard. I can’t just stand by and watch as she rips my life to shreds. My family, my friends. Neil is dead.” I half-shouted. “Davin is in the hospital and Gran’s café…gone.” My voice thickened and trailed off. I didn’t have to manufacture the tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. I couldn’t have stopped them if I’d wanted to. “Abby will be next if we keep pushing her. Then my mom. Zanthiel. You.”
Adrius leaned his forehead against his hands. He didn’t say anything, but I could tell what he was thinking. He wanted to argue. To oppose me. To disagree and force me to change my mind. But he couldn’t. How could he, when everyone and everything I loved was in jeopardy? He knew better than anyone how important they were to me.
I swallowed and pushed myself to go on. “If we continue to resist her, I will lose everything… and for what? In the end, you’d still be bound to her. And I’ll be left with nothing. I couldn’t bear it.” A tear escaped and rolled down my cheek. He swept it away with his thumb, letting his touch linger before dropping his hands.
Something that felt like razor blades were slicing at my stomach, making it hard not to curl into a fetal position. It was a familiar agony, one I’d vowed never to experience again. It was the feeling of losing him.
Adrius ran his tongue across his bottom lip, leaving a faint moist sheen that was nearly impossible to resist. Then he leaned forward and kissed me. It came as a surprise because my mouth was partially open, still forming the words I was going to say next. Whatever it was, I could no longer remember. His kiss had that effect. That hadn’t weakened over time. When he pulled back a tiny sigh escaped. I sucked in my lower lip, tasting the warm sweetness of him. I would miss that.
“I don’t think I have the strength to leave you, Lorelei.”
He looked torn, his beautiful features drawn and tight. His eyes had darkened to the color of the forest at night. It made it so much harder to force him to leave. But if this was going to work it was now or never.
I steeled myself and looked hard into his eyes. “You have no choice, Adrius. I won’t risk anyone else’s life….for… us.” I said it with as much conviction as I could summon. “It’s better we end things now. Otherwise we’ll keep twisting and contorting ourselves to the point that we finally break. We’d never survive as a couple. I should have listened to you from the start. Too much is at stake. Too many lives…”
He winced but I took a shallow breath and kept going. “Please, I’m asking you to do this for me. If you really love me,” my voice cracked, “you’ll leave. Now. Before it’s too late and we’re all trapped here… with her.”
Staring at our interlocked fingers, I withdrew my hands from his. “I can’t watch you wither and die,” I said quietly. Why did this have to hurt so much? It wasn’t too late, I could still take it all back. My head started to get fuzzy from lack of oxygen.
His eyes searched mine, scanning for a glimpse of hesitation… a chance I might change my mind. “You can breathe now, Lorelei. I’m not going to fight you. I’ll go. If it’s what you think is best.”
Adrius rose, his full height towering over me. He stared at me long and hard. This time he wasn’t trying to read my thoughts. This was different. It felt more like he was trying to memorize my face. Why was he making this so easy for me? The burning spread to the rest of my middle, leaving me scarred from the inside out. I didn’t know what he was going to do next, but the pleading in my eyes must have caused his quick agreement. A wall of steel surrounded my emotions. I couldn’t let him see that one more kiss might have shattered my resolve completely and sentenced more of my friends and family to their deaths.
“I’ve never wanted you to suffer. If you think this is how it has to be then I’ll leave. I want you to know I understand your reasons. I’m agreeing to go. But I will never agree that we aren’t meant to be together, Lorelei. Not now. Not ever. Even if you don’t think we’re worth fighting for.”
My stomach reeled from the slam of his words. I was so close to taking it all back. Throwing myself into his arms. Instead I hugged my arms across my chest. A voice inside my head whispered, Say you’re sorry, that you made a mistake. Then a stronger voice took over, reminding me I was doing the right thing. This was the only way to keep him and everyone else alive.
He extended his hand and I took it, allowing him to pull me to my feet. Every muscle in my body clenched to keep myself upright.
“We have to forget, Adrius. Put what we had in the past.”
He raked a hand through his hair. “Don't say that." He took hold of my arms and held me tight. “Standing here, I can't stop myself from remembering how close we were. I can't forget that I know the feel of your lips on mine. The sweetness of your touch, or the bitterness of watching it all come to an end.”
He released me. His hand paused above my chest but didn't make contact. “I hear your heart racing, and I want nothing more than to place my hand on it and calm whatever unnerves you this day. And every day. But to do that will be my undoing.”
He stepped toward me. I wanted to step closer too, and close out the sliver of daylight between us. But he shook his head.
“Stay there. If you come any closer, I’ll give in and take you in my arms as I've been wanting to do since I awoke.”
I stayed. Because if he took me, I would have let him. And everything would fall.
For a moment we stood so close I could hear his heartbeat. His head bent closer. At first I thought he was going to kiss me. My eyes fluttered closed and my breath caught.
Instead his mouth traveled along my neck to my ear. “I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this, Lorelei. I will always love you,” he whispered.
When I opened them, he was gone. Leaving behind nothing but the warm scent of thyme and a hole in my chest. The smoldering pain inside burst into an inferno and I collapsed, in uncontrollable sobs.