Amor and Summer Secrets

When you’re in a strange place, it’s hard to find a private place to cry. Especially when the person you’re crying about lives in the same house. I couldn’t go there. And I couldn’t stay at the hotel. I stormed out of the bar moments after Lilly did, only she probably had a place to run off to and I didn’t.

I walked around aimlessly for about an hour, wiping tears from my eyes. My head was swimming with everything we’d said. I went into the fight certain I was unequivocally right and she was undeniably wrong. But now I wasn’t so sure. I had said some mean things. I knew I’d hurt her feelings. And though she’d hurt me first, that didn’t erase my guilt.

The idea that she could have done all of this because she had a crush on Alex was too much. It didn’t make any sense. She’d known him for years, if she liked him then something would have happened between them by now. I didn’t get the impression that Lilly was ever refused what she wanted. It was amazing that someone who looked so much like me could have a completely opposite effect on guys. I’d gone my entire life barely being noticed by the opposite sex, while Lilly was instantly revered by them.

I ended up back at the Internet café. I needed someone to talk to, even if it was only electronically. It’s not like I had much of a choice. I couldn’t call my mom, my aunt and uncle didn’t have long-distance, so whenever I spoke to her, she called me. Not that my mom would be much help. She’d just tell me to apologize no matter what the circumstance, even if it wasn’t my fault. “Do you want to be right? Or do you want the fight to be over?” she’d ask. Like it was ever that simple. And Vince was useless. If I attempted to confide in him, he’d zone out midway through.

Apparently, Javier had left my laptop with the cashier at the snack bar after I had run out. I grabbed it and logged on to my computer. There were only two people in the world who I knew would take my side. I smiled through my tears when I saw Madison connected to IM.

MARIRUIZ: Hey, Mad. Long time, no talk. Sorry I’ve been MIA.

I waited for several seconds, chewing my fingernails. No response.

MARIRUIZ:You there? I really need to talk.

MADISONAVE: Busy.

MARIRUIZ: Sorry I haven’t written. But things here are really screwed up right now.

MADISONAVE: Gee, Spic, are they? I wouldn’t know.

MARIRUIZ: Ya know, you really shouldn’t call me Spic. It’s kinda offensive.

MADISONAVE: What, you’re all PC now? Please, if you come back thinking you’re all Jennifer Lopez and speaking with some fake Spanish accent, I’m gonna puke.

MARIRUIZ: I didn’t say that! But a lot of people consider it a curse word. You shouldn’t call me that anymore.

MADISONAVE: Whatever. It didn’t bother you before.

MARIRUIZ: Well, maybe it should have.

MADISONAVE: Yeah, ’cause you’ve been in Puerto Rico for two months so now you’re all ethnic.

MARIRUIZ: Why do you need to be like that? It’s my nickname, and I don’t like it anymore.

MADISONAVE: Whatever.

MARIRUIZ: Look, I really need your advice. I’m fighting with Lilly, ya know the girl I’ve been staying with? She did this totally messed up thing. And because of her I didn’t see Alex for almost a week.

MADISONAVE: I have no idea who Lilly and Alex are. Busy. G2G

MARIRUIZ: Come on, Mad! I really need to talk to you.

MADISONAVE has logged off, read the pop-up window.

She was obviously a lot angrier than I realized. Given that I was going home in less than two weeks, it was not the best time to alienate my best friend. We were starting sophomore year in the fall and I didn’t want to go back to school with Madison and Emily hating me. Just the thought of it tightened the knots in my stomach.

I dropped my head in my hands and started to cry. I hadn’t felt this alone since the day I arrived in Puerto Rico. Thinking about how bratty I acted then mortified me now. I couldn’t believe I had refused my aunt’s cooking. Could I have insulted her more? And to think my Uncle Miguel was still nice enough to cook me breakfast every morning. He even went out of his way to engage me in conversation. If it weren’t for him, my Spanish probably would have never improved. I probably wouldn’t have even tried.

And then Lilly, the one relative in the entire world who shares my likeness, I treated like some homeless person I’m embarrassed to be seen with. I didn’t talk to her for two weeks. I turned down so many invitations to hang out with her friends, and why? Because I misinterpreted a comment she said while I was eavesdropping. If it weren’t for her Quinceañera, I might never have opened myself up to this island or to this experience. She was the one person who went out of her way to make me feel at home, to make me feel like I fit in, like I belonged in Puerto Rico. And to thank her I go and hook up with her friend.

I gripped the sides of my laptop. If it didn’t cost a thousand dollars, I would have flung it at his head like a Frisbee. I couldn’t comprehend why guys felt it necessary to deem all arguments between girls as stupid or catty. Guys were allowed to fight. Two guys fighting was considered masculine, dangerous, even cool. But just because they solved their problems by beating the crap out of each other, didn’t mean our way of handling things was any less painful. Not that I would expect my brother to understand this.