Mr Gum stood on the oily deck of The Dirty Oyster, scowling at everything in sight. Not that there was much to scowl at – just a load of water, a bit of sky and a line in between called the ‘horizon’ which God had put there to keep the sky from getting wet.
‘Shabba me whiskers,’ scowled Mr Gum for the thousandth time since they’d left Lamonic Bibber. He and Billy had been adrift at sea for weeks now and they were practically dead of hunger, thirst and general scruffiness. All the beer had run out long ago, the engine was smashed to bits from a game they’d invented called ‘Let’s Smash Up The Engine’ and they were both covered from head to toe with sunburn, mosquito bites and verrucas.
‘Shabba me whiskers,’ scowled Mr Gum for the thousand and one-th time since they’d left Lamonic Bibber. ‘I’m completely sick of all this floatin’-around-miles-away-from-home business. What a bother it all is!’
‘An’ I’m sick of bein’ bitten by things,’ complained Billy, rubbing a wound on his shoulder where some plankton had attacked him.
‘Yeah,’ grimaced Mr Gum, ‘but the worst thing is how hungry I’m a-gettin’. Ain’t you got no more dried entrails, Billy?’
‘Sorry, Mr Gum, me old lifejacket,’ said Billy, ‘you scoffed the last one this mornin’. We could try catchin’ some fish,’ he suggested. ‘Look, there’s a fishin’ rod an’ everythin’.’
‘Nah, I can’t be bothered with all that, it looks like too much hard work,’ growled Mr Gum, snapping the fishing rod over his knee and chucking the pieces into the ocean.
‘Now what we gonna do?’ whined Billy. ‘We’re gonna starve to death at this rate.’
‘Sorry, Billy, me old roast dinner, but there’s nothin’ else for it,’ said Mr Gum. ‘I’m gonna have to eat you to stay alive. Chop off yer leg for us, will ya?’
Billy was just about to start sawing into his manky old leg, when all of a sudden he sighted an island ahead, a-glimmerin’ and a-shimmerin’ ’neath the blazing South Pacific sun.
‘Land! Land!’ he shouted, ‘we’re saved!’
And together the villains danced round and round the deck, whooping and roaring with filthy delight as the island drew nearer.