18 April

Isolation Update – She’s in the air

I can’t imagine there are many readers here who don’t know about my friend, Caroline Flack, who took her own life in February. Caroline was, quite simply, one of my favourite people. She made me laugh more than anyone else could. Those agonising belly laughs where you cry your eyes out and wet yourself all at once. She was also fiercely loyal, and we really loved each other. Her death has made this entire experience extremely confusing. Is this isolation a blessing, or a curse? I have no idea. But Caroline has been throwing signs at me like fireballs and I’ve been catching them all and clinging onto them tight.

We woke up yesterday morning to total mayhem in our garden. Some undisclosed beastie had attacked anything inflatable or plastic that they could find; it was far too aggressive for the O’possum. It had torn the kids’ goggles and water pistols, along with countless other hideous plastic crap that we have as a result of these animals that live in my house. It was hard to decipher what or who was responsible for this destruction, as not only were there about ten crows going bananas above our heads, there was also a raccoon on our deck acting like he owned the bloody place. He was so chill, sunbathing right above my head with no bother at all. He didn’t seem like a plastic-ravishing kinda guy, so my guess was the crows. They dive-bombed us every time we walked outside (no, you screamed), and then I learned that crows have funerals. Apparently, when one dies, they throw an event. Which is fucked up, because as they continued to draw my eyes to the sky, a plane started writing the words ‘Be Kind’ and a huge love heart, right above my house.

I could not believe what I was seeing. Caroline’s death had kicked off a social media campaign called #BeKind; then there they were, those words being written above my house, when I was already having a straight-up weepy moment about her and had had a particularly bad night. And then her sending the crows in so I didn’t miss it. It’s all a bit obvious, isn’t it?

I feel her in everything. More than I have any other person I have lost. I feel like she is watching out for me in so many ways, and also just watching me, which I love. I miss her so much. The heart lingered in the sky for ages. I stared at it in disbelief but also let the power of the words in the sky seep into me. She did it, I am sure of it. I winked at the letters as they disappeared, and gave her a smile, wherever she was.

I stood under the big blue sky and took in a huge breath. She is in the air. She is everywhere. Whenever I need her, I can have her, if I just stop, and breathe in deeply enough.

I felt very calm for the rest of the day.

Last night, Art ran up the corridor yelling, ‘Mummy, Valentine broke a pillow in the spare room.’

Oh God.

I followed him back to the spare room and there was Valentine, naked on the bed, smashing a cushion up and down. The final feathers shooting into the air, falling slowly into a large heap on the bed. He looked at me like he’d just won Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

Luckily for me, Chris walked in and saw the look on my face before my rage exploded like the pillow. I could NOT be bothered to deal with it. He told me to clear off, and proudly went to get his little hand-held hoover. (Men love those, don’t they?) I was grateful. Valentine ran after me asking if there were birds stuck in all his pillows.

I said yes.

I ate too much yesterday and really struggled at bedtime. Rather than bath our children, for the third night in a row, because we are brilliant, Chris and I sat on the deck drinking wine and eating crisps while the kids watched Minions. I was so full before I even got dinner out, but I still ate it all (TWO SAUSAGE ROLLS). By 11 p.m. I had to take my trousers off and I lay in bed like I was going into labour. I promised myself I would do a Peloton today to make up for it.

I did not do that.

I blocked someone on Instagram who got cross because I mentioned my grey hairs. I’d done an Instagram story about them, asking what I should do, and she sent me a message saying something along the lines of ‘But you’re not dying so get over it.’

I felt rage. Actual rage.

My biggest issue with social media is how people talk to those in the public eye, like if they’re not mentioning something on their feed they’re not thinking about it. Also, if they say something trivial, they are vacuous. I HATE IT. I am going grey and I am thinking about what to do about it. ALSO, a deadly pandemic is sweeping the globe and we are all stuck in our houses. BOTH can happen at the same time. Personally, I think this is the time to celebrate the intimate, mundane and trivial aspects of all our lives as a much-needed diversion from the ‘YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIE’ media that is being shoved down our throats as soon as we sober up. Ya know?? I ALSO could have mentioned that I raised a few hundred for Choose Love today (I’m on an app called Cameo, where people pay me to make videos for them and the money goes to CL), like I do most days, because OBVIOUSLY I care about the world. But I’m going grey, you FUCKWIT, and that also deserves some airtime.

I blocked her and then swore, rather than swear at her then block her. As I have learned (ALTHOUGH IT IS HARD) that that is a better way to deal with these things.

I made a chicken curry. I worked hard at it while the kids were having some downtime. It was STRESSFUL because I didn’t read the method first, and it needed a blender that I don’t seem to have. Also, it was called a ‘BAKED Chicken Curry’, but I tried to be kooky and cooked it in a casserole on the hob instead of in the oven. I BURNT the bottom, and I am devastated. It’s salvageable, but not ideal. GUTTED. I mean WHY couldn’t I just do what it said?

But that is tonight … burnt chicken curry and Jaws 4, I can’t wait. It’s 5 p.m. and I just ate a weed cookie and had a margarita. We survived another day and life is OK. EVEN THOUGH I AM GOING GREY.

I love you all dearly (that’s the drink talking). And I can’t wait for dinner (that’s the weed).

Love Dawn x

PS BE KIND.

21 April

Isolation Update – Please could you put your bum away at the table

On Saturday Art woke us up at 6 a.m. by asking Alexa to read him a story. She was set to a very loud volume, so I freaked and ran in shouting. He then had a meltdown because he couldn’t work out how to get his dressing gown on. I didn’t mean to be cruel, but it was quite funny watching him put his legs in the armholes, so I didn’t help him for a while. I get my thrills in weird places these days.

When we came into the living room Lilu was howling at a billion decibels because she didn’t have any water. It wasn’t even 6.15 a.m., and already I felt like my head had done a few rounds in the tumble dryer. Then, at around 7 a.m., Valentine woke up. I thought he was coming over for a cuddle but he handed me a slug. I wondered what other delights the day had in store for me.

Did I tell you Valentine is one of those kids who, very possibly, sees the spirits? He does this weird thing, and it started two weeks after Caroline died, where whenever I ask him what a toy is called, he says ‘Carrie’. It’s so strange, because I haven’t seen anyone called ‘Carrie’ in any of the shows he watches. I have a very close friend called Carrie who was over a while ago, but they haven’t spent much time together. Also, I never called Caroline ‘Carrie’, so he didn’t get it from me. But most people close to her did. So, I know it’s a coincidence, and I know it’s stupid, but WHERE THE HELL DID HE GET CARRIE FROM AND WHY DOES HE KEEP SAYING IT????

Kids are terrifying. One day, they’re going to take over the world.

On Saturday I made us all AMAZING quesadillas, and at noon we sat out on the back porch with nice music playing, and ate them all up. In silence. The four of us. It was one of those rare and dreamy moments that I fantasise about. A glimpse into the future, maybe? Where we all sit and eat, and just relax. Rather than the food fights, me constantly yelling ‘Eat your bloody food!’ ‘Stop throwing your food.’ Or ‘PUT YOUR ARSE AWAY AT THE TABLE.’ It was nice. I enjoyed it. I needed it. Hope.

Since I last wrote, I have done two thirty-minute Peloton classes, but I still feel like my clothes are going to split at the seams. The eating is too much, I HAVE to stop. It’s like every day is Christmas. My elaborate lunches, the crisps, the wine, the cheese board, the HUGE dinners. It brings me so much joy to make all this food, and I am so grateful we have it, but seriously. Truth is, I think it’s what is keeping me together. The little missions I set myself every day while the kids have some downtime. I put on an audiobook, I pour wine, I find recipes, I make the food.

The problem is, then I eat it. All of it. Even when I make extra for the next day, Chris and I eat it all. But you know what? Fuck it. The Peloton keeps me a little bit fit, and I have no need for a bikini body when I can’t even go on a beach. Also, it’s blatantly the ‘munchies’, so the eating is here to stay because there is no way I’m dropping the weed. It has become my NUMBER ONE coping mechanism, even more so than booze.

In the afternoon, while Chris took Valentine for a walk to get him to sleep, Art and I made volcanoes out of egg cartons. I was so proud of myself. I didn’t even Google it, I INVENTED it. I turned the egg carton upside down and cut around the cone shapes. We painted them different colours. Then I painted some red on yellow paper and cut it into strips – FIRE. I made a hole in the top of the cones, shoved in the flames and THEN WE HAD VOLCANOES. I know, I know, I’m just that kind of mum. All arty and craftsy. Just being me over here, move along.

The mosquitos are back. They’re such a problem here in Los Angeles. MASSIVE ones, and Art and I are apparently their favourite snack. Chris and Val get bitten, but Art and I get munched. For years I’ve been using pathetic bug sprays that companies say are good for us, ‘natural’, because they don’t have DEET in them. You know what’s even better? Not getting eaten alive. Also, sitting in my garden is more important than avoiding harmful chemicals, so I am using the old school ones with DEET in again because the other ones do not work! I did some research, and it’s not that bad unless you use tons of it or ingest it. Why would I ingest it? Does it have alcohol in it?

I need to take some milk thistle. I can hear my kidneys screaming.

Bill Gates said on TV the other night that he is backing vaccination research and they hope to have one by the end of NEXT YEAR. Just popping that here, so you can all throw up in your mouths.

Isn’t this all so LOL?

Last night (Sunday) I made us all baby back ribs with potato salad, green salad, corn and a celery, apple and onion salad. We have a new pact, that we will eat as a family on Sundays.

It was awful.

The kids were being insane. Naked bums in the air, hyper, hysterical, not eating. I mean, the food was AMAZING (obvs), so why don’t two-year-olds appreciate the concept of multiple side dishes? I got mad at the chaos, and even though I had tried not to all day, I ended up opening a bottle of wine. IT IS HARD.

Until tomorrow, my friends,

Love Dawn x

22 April

Isolation Update – I AM SMILING UNDER HERE

I had three glasses of barely drinkable wine last night, and today was bad.

I didn’t want to wake up. Then Chris said Lilu had shat everywhere in the living room. Then Valentine went mad at me because I tried to put trousers on him. I could have ended the day right there, to be honest.

But of course, it went on, and on, and on.

Chris took the kids to the park, and I walked to the shop to get food. At the shop I got sad about everyone wearing masks. I miss faces. I’d forgotten my mask, so wrapped a fabric bag around my face. I felt stupid and conspicuous, then realised the effect wearing masks will have on our identities, as in, who cares if people thought I was weird for wearing a bag around my head, no one knew it was me, did they? Is that a good thing, or a bad thing? I just don’t know. It didn’t feel good today.

The woman on the cash register had just sprayed the counter with anti-bacterial spray and it was soaking wet. I was halfway through putting something on it when I realised, so I pulled it back towards me and stood waiting, presuming she was about to wipe it. She thought I was being rude. ‘It needs a moment to sterilise,’ she said. ‘God, I’m just trying to stop people getting sick!’

I was mortified, I wasn’t huffing at her. Quite the opposite, I was grateful for everything she was doing. The only reason she thought I was angry is because she couldn’t see my smile. I hated that. How many terrible arguments will happen because people’s smiles are hidden? Urgh. That expression ‘you should have seen the look on their face’ will become obsolete. It upsets me, and today it made me cross and sad. And that sadness escalated to full-throttle frustration and grief, and then I could barely stop crying all day.

Grief got me today. It wasn’t great.

The kids and I made pizza for lunch, and after that I took them in the pool. I sat on the side as they screamed and shouted and kept talking and talking and moaning and complaining that I wasn’t going in. I tried not to snap, to let their words merge into one loud easy-to-block-out noise, but I couldn’t do it. I was getting annoyed, I wanted everyone to SHUT UP. Then Chris came out to say hi, and he hugged me, and that was when the floodgates really opened, and I went inside and I took a moment to fall apart, and after that things did feel better.

It was just a shit day. I haven’t had many of them, and that makes me lucky. But when they come, they come hard, and there is nothing I can do about it.

I know I’ve touched on this before, but I do think we are all being taught a bigger lesson than we realise from all of this. For me, the emotional roller coaster I’ve been over the last two months must be teaching me something, right? One of my best friends takes her own life, then the world goes on shut-down the very next week after her funeral. Making me face grief in the most unusual way. I am forced to parent in a way that I have never had time to before, I am in contact with a small but loyal group of friends. I am speaking to my family more. I am working on my marriage more. I am nesting, organising, preparing for disaster, making sure that, if the world goes to shit, we will survive. I am loving harder than I’ve ever loved in my life. I was alone with my grief, but now the whole world is grieving too. A solidarity that we can’t deny. The good, the bad, whatever our experience of this, we are all in some version of it together. All we can do is love. Maybe those of us who were drowning in sadness are lucky to have this group experience, to help us move on? I dunno.

It’s nice. And it’s odd for me to feel that anything is nice, because what happened to Caroline was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me (not just me, of course. So many people are hurting. Caroline has so many good friends), but somehow, with all that’s going on, I am being forced to find the positives and I think I’m getting a grip on what they might be. But I fucking miss her so much. She’s on my mind every second of every day. On top of that, I’m worried about the world. It’s a lot to think about, but a real lesson in keeping your feet on the ground and focusing on the things that matter … love. Love is all there is. And crisps. Love and crisps.

Someone needs to write that song.

Once I did a post on Twitter that said, ‘Crisps save lives.’ Caroline thought it was hilarious and messaged me about it. She then said it all the time. Even crisps remind me of her.

Hope you’re all OK. Tell me tales from your homes.

Love Dawn x

PS Halfway through writing this, Chris called me outside. I went out to find him on a chair with Valentine asleep on him. Knowing I’m having a shit day, he stood up, gave me his chair, then put my sleeping baby on me. I sat there, Valentine slumped onto me like the delicious dollop that he is, and I breathed him in. It was the medicine I needed. Almost as good as wine. It’s going to be OK.