November 1992
Kathryn walked into her office in a good mood. Bailey Grant and Dave Carter had been exiled and their careers were essentially over, and Casey had aced her first T-38 check ride. There was a phone message marked Urgent on her desk. It said she needed to get over to the wing commander’s office ASAP. Crap. What now?
Kathryn hurried over to the his office and asked his secretary, Mrs. Rogers, what was up. “I don’t know, but he’s in a good mood. He’ll see you now.”
Kathryn stood at attention before his huge desk.
“Captain Hardesty, please take a seat.”
“Yes, sir.”
“First of all, you did a great job with that safety investigation. You uncovered some serious deficiencies that I wasn’t aware of, and I’m happy to tell you they’ve been resolved. You also got a lot of attention from headquarters, Air Training Command.”
“Thank you, sir. I was just trying to do be thorough.”
“The main reason I called you here is to tell you that you’ve been selected to attend Air Command and Staff College in residence. This was a highly competitive field, and you’re one of only five officers in the entire command to get selected for senior staff school in residence. You’ll report to Maxwell in April.”
“Wow. I don’t know what to say, sir.”
“That’s not all. I’m also putting you in for promotion to major one year early. You’re my number one captain on the base. You’ll pin on major probably by March.”
Kathryn was stunned at this news. She knew she was a good instructor pilot and a conscientious safety officer, but she never dreamed the wing commander considered her the top captain on the whole base. “Thank you so much, sir.”
“You’ve earned it, Kathryn. You’re one of my superstars. After you’ve finished your year in Alabama at Maxwell, you’ll go to the Pentagon or maybe even to a White House fellowship. This is the first step toward becoming a squadron commander.” He stood to shake her hand.
“Thanks again, sir. I’m really thrilled.” She snapped to attention, saluted him, then did an about-face to leave his office.
This is incredible. I can’t believe it.
*****
Casey watched the formation films a dozen times to get the references down cold. Formation flying was the biggest part of T-38 training, and she wanted to shine. The visual signals and basic maneuvers were the same as the T-37 but the T-38 also had some new formation positions—close trail and extended trail. She couldn’t wait to see what these looked like.
Bulldog quizzed her and she knew all the answers. After the briefing, they would start out as the wingman, then position change and lead the formation back to Willie. Bulldog was flying the wing takeoff and was instructing, but Casey could only look at the magnificent sight of the beautiful T-38 right next to her. It was sleek, graceful, and so fast it almost made her head spin. Fingertip position looked so much closer to the other jet than it did in the T-37.
They entered the practice area. Lead went to ninety degrees of bank and three-G maneuvering. Bulldog followed like he was stuck to them, then lead gave the signal for an echelon turn. As lead smoothly rolled into a sixty-degree banked turn, Bulldog rolled with them, and it looked as if her canopy would smash into the underside of lead’s plane. Her entire field of view was filled with the underside of the other jet. As lead rolled out, Casey thought their wing tip would hit her on the head. This is way too fucking close! How am I ever going to get this?
“Are you ready to try it, Casey?” Bulldog asked. “Remember, don’t think about moving the stick, just think tiny pressures on the stick. You have the jet.”
“Roger, I have the jet.” She tried to hold position but quickly got into an up / down oscillation.
“My jet, Casey.” Bulldog flew them back into position. “Try it again.”
Casey quickly got spat out of position again and again. Her back, shoulder, arm, and hand got tense as she fought to stay in the right place. Bulldog had to take the jet from her at least a dozen times. Crap. I thought I could do this.
“Okay, we’re going to position change and be the lead.”
Bulldog had her fly the plane. Even though they were in a bigger practice area, she couldn’t turn the formation around quickly, so Bulldog had to tell her everything to do. She felt like she was back at square one with this jet. She was so far behind mentally that she could hardly find her way back to Willie. Bulldog flew the formation wing landing. It was beautiful watching them land together but extremely frustrating.
She expected a brutal debrief, but Bulldog said, “You’ll get the hang of this, Champ. You’ll get to the point where you only have to think about moving the stick and you’ll be in position. Watch those films again.”
If Casey couldn’t master this, it would be the end of her dream.
As the days went on, she did start to show some slight improvement. She was progressing as a lead faster than as a wingman. She was starting to think one or two maneuvers ahead, and it still looked way too close to the other jet, but she wasn’t completely hopeless.
Her instrument flying and navigation training were going much better. The speed of the jet made things happen very quickly, especially on instruments, and she had to do quick mental math to keep ahead of the jet.
Four more of her classmates had been washed out. She never felt safe in this program. You could bust a ride or a sim, get two practice rides, and be gone in a week—your dream of flying over for good. Casey wanted to talk to Kathryn about this so badly. She could talk to her friends, but they couldn’t understand what she was going through. Maybe she could call her just to ask for some advice to get through T-38 formation training and not mention anything about a relationship.
*****
Kathryn walked through the T-38 squadron on her rounds of random grade book checks. The T-38 squadron did not pay very close attention to the individual needs of the students. Their attitude was, “We’re the big boys around here and if you can’t cut it, it’s your fault and we’ll just wash you out.”
They were all wannabe fighter pilots and thought they were badasses. The reality was that they washed out students who might have been saved if they’d paid a little more attention to their training.
In Gombey’s flight room she went right to Casey’s grade book. Her instrument sim grades were good, but she didn’t like what she was seeing with Casey’s formation grades. They were flying her with a lot of different IPs instead of Bulldog, and it was showing with a lack of progress with her wingman flying. It didn’t look intentional, more like benign neglect. If Casey failed to meet the standards in her formation flying, they would wash her out as just another girl who couldn’t cut it in pilot training.
Maybe she should call Casey and talk to her about her flying. She was concerned about facing her again, but she couldn’t let her get behind in pilot training without doing everything in her power to help her. They would have to meet on neutral territory. She couldn’t handle the temptation of being in Casey’s quarters again or risk other people on base seeing them together. She wanted to see Casey but was also fearful. She was comfortable talking about flying, but relationship stuff scared the hell out of her.
She thought of Casey so many times during the day. She wanted to tell her something funny a student pilot had done or some juicy gossip. She even wanted to think about a future together. She drove past a new housing development off base and imagined them buying a house together, setting up housekeeping, maybe even getting a dog. It just seemed so impossible right now.
Every time a thought of Casey came into her mind, she kept going back to her relationship with Marie. That was the basis of her fear with Casey—that she would allow herself to fall in love with Casey and then have her heart broken again.
After Marie died, Kathryn could barely function, and she lost the will to live. Her grief was overwhelming, and she had to keep it all to herself because they were gay. The only escape she got from her sadness was when she was in the air flying a plane. She volunteered for the most dangerous missions in the squadron just to run away from the pain. The only time the darkness started to lift was when she got her assignment to come back to Willie as an instructor pilot. She’d found a reason for living again in teaching students to fly and in reconnecting with old friends like Barb Arnau.
Her life was finally back on track again when she got assigned Casey as her student, and now her world was turned upside down. Nothing could happen between them until Casey graduated. Casey would probably get sent away to another base and she would be leaving for Alabama for a year of school in a few months. There was no point in imagining a future that could never be, so why couldn’t she get Casey out of her mind?
Because Casey was unforgettable.
She was beautiful, smart, and passionate, and Kathryn couldn’t stop thinking about her. If she talked to her about her flying, maybe she could muster the courage to tell Casey the real reason she was afraid to pursue a relationship with her.
*****
Casey was in her quarters studying when the phone rang and startled her.
“I need to talk to you. Are you available tonight? We could go off base and get some dinner somewhere, if you like,” Kathryn asked.
Casey was glad to hear from her, but she was also feeling very cautious. “What time?”
“I’ll pick you up at 1800 hours on the east end of your building.”
“Okay. See you then.”
Could it be possible that Kathryn changed her mind about seeing Casey? She suspected that Kathryn Hardesty rarely changed her mind about anything, but she was willing to listen to her. She tried very hard not to get her hopes up, but it was difficult. She put a tiny bit of her favorite perfume on her neck. “No harm in at least attempting to be alluring.”
At precisely 1800 hours, Kathryn’s red convertible whipped round the corner. Casey noticed the top was up and the dark tinted windows were closed.
“Hi, Casey. Thanks for meeting me.”
“Where are we going?” She was hoping maybe they would go to Kathryn’s house.
“There’s a great old Mexican food restaurant in downtown Phoenix called Jordan’s that I thought we’d go to. It’s a bit of a drive, so I hope you don’t have to get back too soon.”
“Mexican sounds great, and my show time’s not until 0900 hours tomorrow, so I’m good.”
“I just wanted to get away from the base for a while so we can talk. How’s everything been going?”
“Oh, not too bad. I got an Excellent on my contact check ride. I was pretty happy with that. How have you been?” She wanted Kathryn to dive right into whatever it was she wanted to talk to her about.
“I heard. That’s great. Your check pilot, Major Case, is a pretty tough nut to crack. You must have really impressed him.”
Hearing praise from Kathryn made Casey warm all over. She wanted to reach over the console and hold Kathryn’s hand so bad it made her arm hurt to keep it in her lap. She couldn’t think of any more small talk, so they sat in awkward silence for the next forty-five minutes on the drive to the restaurant. It was up to Kathryn to bring up the subject she wanted to talk about.
Kathryn turned up Seventh Street, then into the parking lot of a small one-story, rather drab looking restaurant. They certainly shouldn’t run into anyone from Willie at this out-of-the-way place. The fabulous smell of Mexican food was the first thing Casey noticed, followed by a sparse crowd sitting in well-used booths.
“Hi, Kath. Haven’t seen you in a while. Usual booth?” An older gentleman greeted them.
“Hi, Joe, yes, we’d like a booth in the back room,” Kathryn answered.
He led them to a round booth in the corner of the back dining room. They had the whole room to themselves.
As they sat down, Casey couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Okay, Kathryn, what’s up? You’re killing me. What is it that we need to talk about?”
“First of all, I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve spoken with you. I wasn’t sure what to say to you, so I didn’t say anything.”
“Okay, go on.”
“I need to talk to you about two things. First, your formation flying, and second, about us.”
“I’m listening.”
“You’re not progressing with your formation flying the way you should be.”
“How do you know that? Have you been talking to Bulldog?”
“I looked at your grade book. You’ve flown with six different IPs on your last six rides, and I suspect they’re all telling you to do different things. The result is you are not as far along as you should be with your wing formation flying. It’s not your fault; it’s the scheduler’s fault, but you have to fix it.”
“Bulldog’s son has been sick, so he hasn’t been able to fly with me lately. These guys all tell me something different on every ride. It’s really frustrating. I only have four rides left before my formation check ride, and I’m afraid I’m going to bust it.” It was a relief to finally speak her worry out in the open.
“I called Bulldog. He agreed to fly your next rides with you. You’re a good student; that’s why they think they can fly you with any IP. You have to take care of your own training.”
“Okay, I’ll do that. Thanks.”
Their food arrived and they completely stuffed themselves. Kathryn got up to leave. Casey touched her arm, “Isn’t there something else you wanted to talk about?”
“Yes, but I’d rather talk in the car.”
The parking lot was deserted as they got back into the convertible. They were bathed in soft, golden light from the streetlights shining through the windshield. Kathryn turned in her seat, took a deep breath, and took Casey’s hand in hers as she looked into her eyes.
“There are not too many things in this world I’m afraid of, but you are one of them. I was so devastated after Marie’s death, I lost the will to live, and I’m not sure I’m capable of trusting anyone again.”
Casey squeezed Kathryn’s hand but said nothing.
“I loved Marie with my whole heart. I’m not sure I’ll ever really get over her death. I still struggle with grief on certain days even five years later. Casey, if I let myself get into a relationship with you and then something happens to you, or the Air Force separates us, I don’t think I could survive that hurt again. The bottom line is I’m afraid of getting my heart broken. I’m sorry, but that’s where I am right now. I wish I didn’t feel that way.”
Casey enclosed Kathryn’s hand with both of her own and gently brought her fingers to her lips. She tenderly kissed her trembling fingers.
“Kathryn, I am so sorry you had to go through all that. I can’t even imagine the pain you’ve suffered. You are a caring, intelligent, gorgeous, demanding woman, and I believe we have something really special here. I’m not willing to let a chance for real happiness slip through my fingers because of fear. I’m afraid of getting hurt too, but I’m willing to take that risk for you.”
Kathryn could feel her heart melt along with the knot of fear in her chest. A thought entered her mind as clearly as if it were spoken out loud—maybe I really can trust her. She slowly leaned forward and gently pressed her lips onto Casey’s. The kiss was slow and lingering. Casey’s mouth tasted like warm honey, and Kathryn wanted more.
Their kissing turned intense, and Kathryn felt Casey’s hand move to her breast. The sensation of Casey squeezing her nipple as she slid her tongue into her mouth made Kathryn moan. This only encouraged Casey further as she slipped her hand under Kathryn’s shirt. The sound of another car nearby interrupted them and they broke their contact, breathless and hot.
“God, Kathryn, I could devour you right here.”
“Me too, but we should get you back to the base.”
“Before you start the car, where do we go from here?”
“I’m not sure. There are a lot of things that have to happen for us to even consider the possibilities. The first step is to get you through your T-38 formation check. I know you can do it. I believe in you, Casey.”