Casey was so excited after her flight with Captain Hardesty she didn’t even care that every maneuver she’d flown was graded U—Unsatisfactory. She took notes on everything Captain Hardesty said and wrote down everything she’d seen. She was scheduled to fly with her regular IP, Lieutenant Carter, the next day and couldn’t wait to get back in the air.
Her second flight with Lieutenant Carter was very different from her first flight. Her initial takeoff was good, but when she started her turn to depart the traffic pattern, Lieutenant Carter jerked the stick out of her hand and yelled, “No! Turn the jet like this.” He yanked the nose around the turn and rolled out with a snap. Casey felt her stomach lurch when he pushed forward and got some negative Gs.
The rest of the flight only got worse. He yelled at her constantly and took the stick out of her hands throughout the whole ride. She was dizzy and nauseous when she climbed out of the jet after her second flight. “You’re going to need a lot of work to get through this program, Lieutenant.”
Casey felt like she’d been punched in the gut. How had things gone from good to bad so fast? She tried to listen to his debrief after the flight, but everything he said to her made her feel like an idiot.
“You need to chair fly these maneuvers a lot, and I expect you to know all the ground references and the traffic pattern procedures down cold before the next ride.”
Casey had a big systems test the next day. She would be up all night studying and memorizing this stuff.
After Lieutenant Carter left the table, Casey turned to Mike. “Did he scream at you on your flight?”
“Yes, he’s an asshole. I didn’t learn a thing, he was so busy yelling at me.”
*****
The next several rides didn’t go a whole lot better than her first ride with Lieutenant Carter. Casey knew the procedures down cold, but he still screamed at her. On the rare occasions when she did something right, he would bang his fist on the glare shield and scream, “Well, goddamn it, you finally got it right this time. Now, don’t fuck that up again!”
She was a bag of nerves and was starting to doubt whether she could ever solo. She’d worked so hard to get into pilot training that the thought of washing out made her sick to her stomach. Her life would be ruined and she could never live with herself if she failed this.
Her first emergency procedures simulator ride was coming up, and she was determined to be fully prepared for it, no matter how much he screamed at her. She went over and over the required memory steps and the checklists for engine fire, takeoff abort, single engine approach, ejection, electrical failure, and all the other emergencies. She steeled herself for the verbal abuse she knew was coming from Lieutenant Carter but tried to focus on only the emergency procedures.
She was a coiled spring inside as she started the takeoff roll in the simulator, waiting to see what he would throw at her. He gave her an engine fire just before liftoff. She was startled by the flashing red light fire light but quickly executed the takeoff abort as she called out, “Throttles—idle, wheel brakes—apply.” She kept the airplane on the runway centerline and brought it to a stop quickly.
“What do you do now, Tompkins?” Lieutenant Carter yelled.
“Um, I call the tower, declare an emergency, then I do an emergency ground egress.”
“Then do it, Tompkins! Or do you just want to sit here on the runway and burn to death!”
Casey was so flustered she got tangled in the lap belt and shoulder harness as she tried to jump out of the simulator cockpit. She finally untangled herself.
“Well, you’re dead now. Get back in and do it again and don’t fuck it up this time.”
The emergency procedures simulator ride seemed to go on forever with no decrease in screaming. When they got back to the flight room Lieutenant Carter wrote U on all the maneuvers, threw the grade sheet at her, and gave her a grade of Fair on the ride.
“You’re lucky I don’t bust you on this sim ride, Tompkins. You know what you did wrong. You need to pull your head out of your ass or you’re not going to get through this program. You’re dismissed,” he said with disgust.
Casey walked out of the flight room completely dejected.
*****
Captain Hardesty walked through the squadron building in the late afternoon. Most of the IPs and students were either gone for the day or out flying as she went to each flight room looking through student grade books. She could scan a grade book in a few seconds and spot training problems immediately. She knew the trends to look for to see a problem before it occurred. The door to Good Grief flight was locked, so she used her master key to let herself in.
“Jesus, Kath, you scared the crap out of me,” Captain Arnau said after she jumped at the noise.
“Why are you still here, Barb? You’re on early week and you came in at 0300 hours. It’s 1600 hours, and you’re over your twelve-hour max duty day limit.”
“I know, I know. I’m here because my schedule for tomorrow isn’t finished. That’s why the door is locked. And why are you here, by the way?”
“I’m just checking grade books looking for training problem trends. Your class and Warlock’s are getting near first solos, so the problem children are starting to show up.”
“Tell me about it, Kath. That’s why I have to fix my schedule board before tomorrow because we have so many students on busted rides.”
“Warlock has already washed out three students so far, including their only woman student.”
“Who?”
“Lieutenant Carol Stevens. She couldn’t get over her airsickness.”
“Well, you can’t do much about that if they keep getting airsick.”
“Uh-huh,” Kathryn mumbled as she flipped through the grade books.
She stopped when she got to Tompkins, Lieutenant C. She studied Casey’s grade sheet and scowled.
“What’s the matter, Kath?”
“I think Carter’s setting up Casey Tompkins to wash her out pre-solo.”
“He gave her a Fair on her EP sim today, but I thought she was doing okay.”
From her previous job as the Good Grief flight commander, Kathryn knew exactly what you had to do to build a case against a student you wanted to get rid of. Carter was sly about it. He didn’t bust Tompkins directly on any of her rides. That would have required the flight commander to fly with her. Instead, he wanted to control all her flights and was documenting a failure to progress in the individual maneuvers, then giving her a grade of Fair. Seeing this, anger burned in her stomach like a bad meal.
Even though women had been in pilot training for sixteen years, and had performed exceptionally well as Air Force pilots, some male pilots still resented women in pilot training. They felt they had the right to try to get rid of women student pilots just because they didn’t like them. Clearly, Carter was one of these guys.
She remembered with excruciating clarity all the crap she’d put up with to earn her wings. She’d endured blatant and subtle harassment every day of pilot training. Not all the male IPs were bad, but some of them had intentionally tried to make her airsick or tried to black her out with G-forces. She’d been excluded from their camaraderie and regarded as a threat by her own classmates. They expected her to put up with the bullshit of their “boy’s club,” not complain about it, but she was never allowed into their clubhouse. She’d earned her wings in spite of them. She’d done it by developing a tough skin like a rhino and flying better than any of her male classmates.
As an instructor pilot, she’d vowed that every student would be treated equally. She was protective of all students, but she especially watched over the women students to make sure they were getting a fair chance. She knew in her gut Carter was planning on busting Casey on her next two rides and washing her out of pilot training before she even had a chance to solo. Bastard.
“Barb, I need to fly with Tompkins. What’s her next ride?”
“She has her last emergency procedures sim ride tomorrow.”
“Put me in that sim ride with her.”
“Dave Carter will throw a fit if I remove him from flying with one of his students.”
“I’ll take care of him. Don’t worry about it. Just put me on the schedule with her. I need to find out if she really can’t fly or if it’s some other issue.”
“If you say so. You’ve got the EP sim with Tompkins at 1100 hours. Hey, I’m playing softball with the base team tonight. Why don’t you come and play with us?”
“I don’t think so, Barb. I still have a lot of work to do at my office.”
“Come on, Kath, it’ll be fun. When was the last time you had some fun?”
“I can’t play this time, but I’ll stop by and watch your game if I get a chance.”
“Okay, you can join us afterward.”
“Don’t work too late, Barb. I’d hate to have to write you up for a safety violation,” she said as she left the flight room and locked the door behind her.
She walked down the hall to the operations officer’s office. “Hey, Colonel Miller, got a minute?”
“Captain Hardesty, how’s my favorite safety officer? What can I do for you, Kathryn?”
“Just trying to keep you out of trouble, as usual, sir. Can you do me a favor? I want you to put Dave Carter on the upgrade training program for runway supervisory unit observer.”
“He’s a Good Grief IP, right? He’s been an IP for at least a year, so, yeah, I’ll move him up to RSU observer. Why are you so interested in him?”
“No particular reason, sir. He’s just due. Oh, and can you put him on the board to start training tomorrow morning?”
“Sure, Kath, anything for you. Does this mean I no longer owe you a beer for my hard landing last week?”
“Yes, sir, we’re even—for now.” She laughed as she left his office.
*****
Kathryn looked at her watch as she finished up her last report. It was 1800 hours. She could still see the end of the softball game if she went over to the field right now. She smiled as she walked from her office in the Wing Headquarters over to the ball field in the cool evening air. The softball field was the unofficial gathering place for all lesbians in the Air Force, and she usually avoided it, but Barb had asked her specifically to come tonight.
She was one of only a handful of fans sitting in the bleachers watching the game. She recognized most of the women on the team—aircraft mechanics, hospital techs, security police, Barb, two IPs from the T-38 squadron, and, surprisingly, Lieutenant Casey Tompkins at third base.
Casey had a look of fierce concentration on her face as she leaned forward, her weight shifting from foot to foot, ready for the next ball. The batter hit a hard drive right down the third base line. Casey launched herself to her right and snagged the ball with her mitt. She spun in midair and fired off a rifle shot as she threw the ball perfectly to first base, completing a flawless double play. Well, she can certainly handle a ball and has great reflexes.
Casey had a dazzling smile on her face as they jogged into the dugout for their turn at bat. As she approached the bench, Casey looked up into the stands and locked eyes with Kathryn for a moment, then quickly looked away. Kathryn admired her long, firm legs, well-defined arms, and the lithe way she moved on the field. Casey was the next batter and they were behind by two runs. Let’s see how she handles the pressure. Casey stood tall and relaxed in the batter’s box. She let the first two balls go by, then smashed a home run with a graceful, powerful swing. The ball sailed over the fence with ease as she trotted around the bases. She’s smart, coordinated, thinks on her feet, is cool under pressure, and has excellent situation awareness on the field. I can work with that.
The whole team cheered Casey as she came across home plate. Her three-run homer won the game for them and they were ready to celebrate.
“Kath, glad you came out to see us win! We’re going over to Cosmo’s for some pizza and beer. Why don’t you join us?” Barb said.
“No thanks, Barb, I can’t.”
Barb walked over to her. “Why not, Kath? Everyone on the team is cool. You have nothing to worry about. Besides, I have a friend meeting us there who I want you to meet.”
“It’s not that, Barb. Tonight’s the five-year anniversary. I wouldn’t be good company for anyone.”
“Jeez, Kath, I didn’t realize what day it was. I’m going to call you later. Take care of yourself, okay?”
“You guys played a great game. You all have fun. Nice home run, Casey.”
Casey looked surprised Kathryn had spoken to her. “Thanks, ma’am.”
“Aren’t you coming with us, Casey? Come on, you’re our star hitter tonight. Barb’s buying.”
“Sorry, I can’t. I have to study tonight. Maybe next week. See you guys later,” Casey said after them as she hurriedly packed up her gear and made a quick exit off the field.
Kathryn watched Casey leave. What’s the problem with your flying, Casey?
The five-year anniversary. It was just another date on the calendar as far as everyone else knew, but for Kathryn it was a reminder of the worst day of her life. It was the day the love of her life burned to death in a fiery plane crash. It was the day everything good and bright left the world, never to return. It was a day she had to endure getting through—once again. A day filled with guilt and regret.
Her grief had been a deep, dark pit of despair that went on endlessly. She couldn’t tell anyone at work about her loss and she had to suffer in silence. The only escape from the crushing sadness was when she flew a plane. When she was in the air her total focus was on flying the jet and she got a brief reprieve from pain. Then she landed, and the heavy cloak of depression settled on her again.
She reflected back on the previous anniversaries of this day. One year she’d gotten so drunk she’d made herself sick for two days. Another year, she’d had sex with a complete stranger to try to forget, which had been useless. She’d even gone to a Catholic cathedral, lit a candle, and begged God for mercy and relief from her hopelessness. She now knew the only way to survive it was to let the sadness come. She’d learned the hard way that resisting grief was futile. She just needed to be by herself, let the memories come, and not fight the tears as they ran down her face. Since she had come to accept her fate, the misery was not quite so overwhelming this year as it had been in the past. Maybe there would be an end to the sadness some day in the future—not today, but maybe someday.