36
While Elisabeth and Ellie were hanging up the washing the following Monday morning, Lyle heard a knock at the front door.
Who could that be? He set his coffee mug on the kitchen table, then made his way through the house, mighty curious.
He opened the door to see two army men standing there, shoulder to shoulder. “Hullo,” Lyle said, a lump rising in his throat. He’d seen these types of uniforms on military men in the newspaper during the past few years.
“I have an important message to deliver from the secretary of the United States Army,” the older of the two men stated quietly. “May we come inside to talk with you?”
Lyle’s heart pounded as he stepped aside to let them in. “Is this about my son Evan?”
Without responding, the men entered, and Lyle realized he was holding his breath. “Have a seat,” he told them, then sat near the window, bracing himself.
“May I have your full name?” the younger man asked, not unkindly.
Dread crept nearer. “Lyle Hostetler.” Has Evan’s terrible decision come to this? Lyle wondered, suddenly feeling light-headed.
“The secretary has requested me to express his deepest regret that your son, Private Evan Hostetler, has been reported missing in action during combat.”
“He’s missin’?” Lyle asked with a small sense of relief. “Not deceased?”
The same man nodded slowly, his expression sympathetic. “You shouldn’t give up hope. Your son may have been taken prisoner, and if so, the authorities will be notified directly once he’s located. Are other family members at home that we should speak with?”
“My wife and daughter are here, but I’ll break the news to them.”
“If you’re certain,” the other man said.
“Jah.” No telling how they’d react to knowing that men in uniform were waiting to talk to them.
The men rose in unison, and Lyle went with them to the door, still feeling woozy. He closed the door behind them and trudged toward the settee. Sitting there silently, he stared out the window at the sky, reliving what he’d been told.
After a time, Lyle turned to kneel, folding his hands and asking God to keep Evan safe and out of the hands of the Viet Cong. He didn’t know what that might mean for his son. He also asked for divine peace that passes all understanding, that it would guard his heart and mind as well as his family’s.
Almighty God, grant Thy mercy to our lost son, and may we grow in faith through Christ our Lord during this trying time. Help me have strength to be a witness of courage and compassion to my family.
Here, he paused, wondering now if Evan had received his letter yet.
Lyle resumed his prayer, tears rolling down his face. O faithful heavenly Father, give us all a complete and righteous compassion for our wayward boy. In the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
After Lyle wiped his face and beard with his kerchief, he rose and plodded back through the house toward the kitchen, sustained by the living God.
Now, to share the news about Evan with his wife and daughter while attempting to pass along this heaven-sent sense of peace.
At the kitchen table with her parents, Ellie felt like she’d run into a rock wall. This is dreadful news! She felt even worse because Mamm was taking it quite hard. Yet Ellie understood, because she, too, felt thoroughly shaken.
“Let’s keep in mind what the army men told me,” Dat said, a solemn look on his face. “Evan could be found at any time.”
Mamm nodded and pressed her handkerchief to her nose and mouth, eyes closed. “My poor, lost son,” she murmured.
Ellie slipped her arm around her. “Dat’s right, Mamm. And we’ll pray that way, for Evan’s sake.”
No one was hungry for breakfast. Dat didn’t even want coffee, nor Mamm her tea, even though Ellie offered to get them something to drink. Sol was out working in the orchard but would return any minute. She wished he was already here, then realized that he, too, would be shaken by this news.
Eventually, Dawdi Hezekiah came over as he usually did for breakfast. When he sat down, he looked round like he was wondering why Mamm wasn’t cooking eggs, frying bacon, or making oatmeal. Dat got up from the head of the table and slipped over to sit next to him, then quietly told him that Evan was missing in action. “Two men from the army came a little while ago to tell us.”
Dawdi showed little emotion, though he did say this was cause for even more prayer. Like Dat, he emphasized the fact that all was not lost. “The Lord sees exactly where Evan is, whether in a deep, dark trench or a rice paddy. And we must continue to be patient till he’s found.” Dawdi ran his hand through his long beard. “Sure ain’t a gut way to start the mornin’, son,” he said, turning to look at Dat. “I’m sorry ya had to suffer through two strangers bearin’ bad news.”
Dat shook his head. “They were polite, even kind. I think they were worried I might pass out. I never imagined we’d find ourselves in this place.”
Dawdi Hezekiah nodded. “Let’s bow our heads and pray for Evan, wherever he might be clear across the world. But he ain’t missin’ to our ever-present Father above.”
They did just that, Dawdi taking the lead, caring for and comforting Dat in that meaningful way. With her head bowed, too, Ellie silently asked God to help them through this grim time, grateful that her Dawdi and Dat were devoted to the Lord—sincere and faithful leaders for the family.
———
A short while later, Ellie watched as Dat and Dawdi Hezekiah hitched up Nelly to the family carriage before hurrying off to see Lydia, Jonah, Rudy, and their spouses. It would be a long and painful day for poor Dat as he retold the staggering news. But because he seemed to have a peacefulness about him, she believed he was wholly trusting God. And yet she sensed a struggle within him, too. Was he plagued with regret at how things were left with Evan before he went off to basic training?
After supper dishes were washed and dried, she donned her coat and warmest scarf. Even in wintry seasons, she’d always found solace and inspiration in the orchard—and divine peace, too. Where God lives, she thought, recalling her childlike perception.
But this twilight, Ellie felt anything but peaceful. It was easy to feel God’s presence during spring’s blossoming and summertime’s harvest. But now? Now, when trees were spindly black sticks against the icy white snow and miserable gray sky, was God still there?
Ellie had a terrible time getting to sleep that night. She tried different positions—on her side, on her back, snuggled close to Sol—but nothing helped. She kept hearing her father telling them that Evan was missing in action, and she tried to comprehend what that really meant for her brother. Did it mean the other men in his unit just didn’t know where he was or what happened to him? Had he been taken? Had Evan run away, maybe?
Over and over, she got bogged down in the trap of imagining what might be. It wasn’t the first time this had happened. What was it about the middle of the night, anyway, when the house was stone still and the bedroom so dark? Why did nighttime cause her mind to wander and even trick her into thinking the worst thoughts about what Evan might be facing—if he was indeed alive?
Carefully, she moved the blankets and quilt back and rolled silently out of bed, fishing around on the cold floor for her slippers. She didn’t want to awaken Sol, hard as he’d worked today—every day. Going to one of the windows and opening the shade slightly, she let the moonlight in.
She lit the lantern and carried it as she tiptoed downstairs to the second floor, making her way to Evan’s room. Mamm had closed it off after his departure. There, Ellie opened the door and set the lantern on the floor, where she sat on the large rag rug she and Mamm had made. She leaned against the side of the bed, and in the stillness of her brother’s room, she cried for her dear, lost twin.
Mamm said it herself early this morning, Ellie recalled. Evan was lost. At the time, she’d wondered if her mother might’ve been referring to Evan’s spiritual state as well as his physical body. Surely Evan wouldn’t have chosen war if he hadn’t been close friends with Jack Herr, or tangled up in the world, dating Cheryl, spending time at the Herr home. Why else would Evan have pushed aside his plan to be baptized and abandoned that most sacred moment in life?
Ellie fought against the urge to be furious with Jack’s family, especially Cheryl. She’d wanted to be kind, even friendly, when Cheryl came into the store. But now she wept angry yet sorrowful tears, letting them slide down her cheeks.
After a time, she rested her head against the mattress, fatigued as she was. Please, God, keep my precious brother alive, she prayed in the flickering lantern light. Wherever he is.
———
Sometime later, Ellie stirred in her sleep and found she was still sitting there on the rag rug. She couldn’t be sure how long she’d been there, but her right leg was tingling with numbness, so it had been more than a short while.
Slowly, the bedroom door opened, and Sol knelt beside her. “Oh, Ellie, I wondered where you’d gone. I rolled over and found ya missin’, so I went lookin’ for you all over the house.” He wrapped his arms around her, pressing his face against her cheek. “Have ya been cryin’?” He kissed her temple and held her close.
“I s’pose today’s news caught up with me,” she whispered, clinging to him.
“I’m surprised ya held it together this long,” he said as he helped her up. Sol reached for the lantern and carried it while holding her hand. “Let’s get ya to bed.”
“I’m sorry for givin’ ya a scare.”
“Nee . . . no need to apologize.”
Together, they made their way up the stairs, and he tucked her in as the sky was beginning to show a semblance of light over the eastern horizon. Sol pulled down the shade and dressed for the day’s work, then said he’d let Mamm know Ellie needed to sleep a while longer.
Ellie gave in to slumber as he left the room.
Two days later, Ellie realized she must pay Cheryl Herr a visit. She should know why Evan hasn’t written, she thought, telling only Sol where she was going with the two-wheeled horse-drawn cart. Ellie had told him all she knew about Evan’s relationship with the young woman.
When she arrived at the Herr home a mile and a half away, a woman answered the back door, and Ellie quickly said who she was. “I’d like to talk with Cheryl if she’s home.”
“Yes, she’s here.” The woman was clad in a brown long-sleeved blouse and a short, tight-fitting vest with a pattern of brown, rust, and tan diamonds over a brown wool A-line skirt. She opened the storm door to Ellie. “Please, come in. I’m Cheryl’s mother, Gladys. May I take your coat and scarf?”
“Denki, but I won’t stay long.”
“Well, have a seat while you wait.” Then she pulled out one of the kitchen chairs for her and said, “I’ll let her know you’re here” before quickly disappearing from sight. Ellie sat down and leaned into the cushiony comfort of the chair, quite different from the hard wooden chairs at home. Across the room, a coppertone stove had a matching hood, and the windows near the table were adorned by two-tiered curtains with a design of apples and oranges. The room was as colorful as any she’d ever seen, overly decorated with equally bright plates hung on the wall.
An artificial ivy draped over the end of the far cupboard. On an apple-red corner table, framed family photos were on display, including one particularly large one of Cheryl in her high school graduation cap and gown. Ellie also noticed a photo of Jack wearing an army uniform.
What if we had a framed photo of Evan like that?
Ellie shook the thought away as she heard footsteps.
Cheryl appeared. “Hi, Ellie.”
“Hullo,” she replied, still feeling frustrated with Cheryl but no longer angry. “Will ya sit with me?”
“Sure.” Cheryl frowned a little as she sat in one of the other kitchen chairs.
In that moment, Ellie knew how Dat must have felt telling her and Mamm the news after the army men left the house. “I thought you should know why Evan hasn’t been writing letters.”
“It’s not as bad as that, thank the Good Lord,” Ellie said quickly. “But he is missing in action, so we still believe he may be found. We really don’t know anything more.”
“MIA?” Cheryl’s jaw dropped. “That’s exactly what they said about Jack!” She put her hand over her mouth as a wave of emotion appeared to overtake her.
Jack was listed as MIA, too? Ellie hadn’t known that, and she wasn’t sure what to say now. “It’s hard . . . not knowin’ what’s happened to Evan. Ever so hard.”
Cheryl’s face was all scrunched up, like she was trying not to cry. “I feel sick. I can’t bear to go through this again.”
Ellie felt horrible. “I’m awful sorry to have to give ya such bad news.”
“It’s not your fault.” Tears filled Cheryl’s eyes. “But oh,” she moaned, “it’s happening all over again.”
“We’re prayin’ Evan will be found,” Ellie said. “Can’t do any more than that.”
Cheryl shook her head, then reached over and touched the back of Ellie’s hand. “I’m the one who’s sorry,” she said softly. “You must be terribly worried about your brother.” She paused. “I had no right to . . .”
“We all care for him.”
“You’re right. We do.” Cheryl sighed. “Ugh, I hate this.”
“It’s quite a jolt, I know.”
Cheryl offered her some coffee or tea, but Ellie simply wanted to head home. This visit had thrown her off-balance, and now, having heard Jack had been listed as missing in action, too, she felt more concerned for Evan than ever.
“I would be happy to drive you home,” Cheryl said. “It’s so cold today.”
“Denki, but the horse and cart are waitin’ for me, and it’s not far.” Ellie rose to leave.
“Thanks for coming over. I appreciate it.” Cheryl went with her to the door, but Ellie noticed she didn’t say anything about praying for Evan’s safety. Given the circumstances, she didn’t understand that.
For all the Decembers Ellie remembered, the days prior to Christmas seemed to move along quickly. Not this December. The hours slowed to a crawl, and every afternoon she bundled up and ran down to the mailbox, hoping for word from Evan or the military—anything to say he’d been found safe and sound.
As often as she prayed, Ellie had begun to wonder what would happen if Evan wasn’t found. What if he were a prisoner of war? Or worse. She was especially haunted by Cheryl’s admission that Jack, too, had initially been declared MIA. But by the time the army found Jack, it was too late to save him.
Each time she let her mind wander down that path, she rebuked herself. What Dawdi Hezekiah said after first hearing the news was the right way to think. No need to borrow trouble. Evan was said to be only missing, and that was a powerful hope to cling to.
When Christmas Day finally arrived, all of Ellie’s siblings and their families came to celebrate. Every inch of the kitchen was filled with family members . . . except for Evan. Dat and Dawdi had set up three folding tables to accommodate the children, while a high chair was positioned beside the table, which had every one of its leaves in place.
Several times during the meal, Ellie noticed Sol looking at her from across the table, smiling as if to encourage her. And later that evening, before the two of them privately exchanged gifts, she breathed a prayer asking for strength to make it through till Evan was found. Yet what a struggle.
When Dat and Mamm headed upstairs early, Sol suggested they go and sit in the front room together. Ellie was pleased to have this time alone with her darling, and he made sure she sat to his right on the settee so he could hear her. Then he presented her with a wrapped box. Inside was a blue teapot with white trim and white cups and saucers. Her gift to him was a pair of thermal-insulated work gloves. “I noticed your old ones have seen better days,” she said.
“Practical gifts are best, love. Just what I needed.”
She nodded and thanked him for her lovely gift.
“You were so quiet today.” Sol slipped his arm around her. “I was worried ’bout ya.”
She gave him a smile. “Was remembering earlier Christmases when Evan was home.”
“I thought you were prob’ly missin’ him.” Her husband kissed her cheek.
She nodded but still didn’t want to share what Cheryl had revealed—that Jack had been declared missing, too. Not on Christmas. She hadn’t said anything about it to anyone. There was no need to add to the family’s anxiety. We’re all suffering enough . . . each in our own way.