Though Mrs. Calloway told Louise that Ruth had broken off the engagement with Jesse, Louise stayed far from him. She felt terrible for Ruth, who not only held up under the constant speculation but made a point to tell Louise that she wished her the best. The woman’s graciousness humbled Louise.
When it came time to collect the toys from all the people making them, Mrs. Calloway insisted Louise do it. Louise refused, for it meant gathering the whistles from Jesse. Only after Ruth insisted did Louise agree.
She approached the lighthouse in the morning, hoping Jesse would be sleeping after working the midnight shift. Jane Blackthorn would either know where the whistles were located or could have Jesse bring them to the hotel later. From there, Fiona would make sure they were stored in the school until Christmas Eve, when they would give the toys to the parents while the children prepared the nativity play that Pearl had organized.
Louise didn’t need to imagine the reaction they would receive from parents who could provide nothing. She and the town officials, such as they were, had already received much gratitude and many emotion-filled embraces. It had moved her to tears and took away some of the sting of Jesse’s rejection.
She rapped on the door to the keeper’s quarters on this bright Friday morning before Christmas. A chill was in the air, which seemed only right. There weren’t any wreaths or garlands or matching bows on doors, but each front door in town displayed a drawing of the manger scene made by one of the children. Louise pressed a hand to this one, drawn by Sadie Decker, who was an exceptional artist for her tender years. Each child carried a gift of hope inside him or her, and these drawings reflected why they had this hope.
“All is calm, all is bright,” she sang softly from the hymn, “Silent Night.”
The door opened, and Jesse stood just inside.
“You have a lovely singing voice.”
Louise felt the heat flood her cheeks. She averted her face, ashamed that an ordinary compliment from him excited such a rush of emotion in her.
She searched for something to say and settled for “Thank you.”
“What brings you here so early in the day?”
You, she wanted to cry out, but that was selfish. “I—I’m collecting the toys for the children. Your whistles.”
“Of course. Come in. I’ll be right back with them.”
She stepped inside as he headed deeper into the house. “Jane isn’t here?”
He turned. “She’s up to her elbows in flour.”
“Oh.” She should have realized the early hour would mean Jane Blackthorn would be busy. With the next three days consumed with practicing the play, Sunday service and Christmas worship and festivities, she would want to get as much done today as possible.
Jesse had vanished, leaving Louise alone in the front hall. A hall table and receiving plate waited on one side of the room while a chair, umbrella stand and hat rack stood on the other. All manner of family outerwear was at the ready. Louise brushed a hand over a knit cap. That’s what a home was like. Instead of seeking a place to hang her coat amongst those of strangers or storing it in her bedroom, parents’ scarves mingled with those of their children. Each one was treasured.
Eyes filling with tears, she pulled her hand back.
“Here we are,” Jesse said, coming into the room with a cloth bag the size of a pillowcase. Judging from the way it bulged, he’d been very busy.
“Is that all whistles?”
“Whistles and birds and fish.”
“Fish?”
He shrugged. “It seemed appropriate at the time. Maybe some of the smaller children would like them.”
“Did...did Miss Pickett paint them?” She prayed he would answer in the negative.
“Some but not all. Take a look.” He set the bag on the foyer table and spread open the mouth of the bag.
A riot of color greeted her. She could not resist one of the birds, so beautiful that she had to pick it up.
“A hummingbird!”
He smiled. “That’s right.”
Oh, how his smile sent her emotions soaring! She turned over the bird. “So pretty, with the ruby-red throat.”
“Keep it.”
“Oh, no.” She hastily put it back in the bag. “These are for the children. I certainly don’t need something so frivolous.”
She quickly closed the bag, lest she be tempted again.
Jesse placed his large hand over hers, stilling them. “I’m sorry.”
“You did what you felt you must do.” Though Amanda’s words about adoption replayed in her mind, she could not bring herself to reveal her heart, not now, not while Ruth was still in town.
“I was a fool.”
Each word hit with the impact of one of Warren’s fists. She staggered slightly, off-kilter after such a declaration. “Me too. Ruth is a good woman.” She couldn’t quite bring herself to say that she was sorry the engagement didn’t work out.
“She will leave on tomorrow morning’s ship for Chicago. It should get her home in plenty of time for Christmas.”
“I will wish her a safe voyage.”
He nodded. “I should never have let it go on as long as it did.”
Louise didn’t know what to say.
“I wasn’t honest with Miss Pickett,” he continued, “and I certainly wasn’t honest with you.”
Louise trembled.
“Don’t be afraid,” he said. “It’s no place to live. I know that now, after a lot of talking to God and reading His Word.”
Jesse was afraid? “Fire?”
He took in a deep breath, and his gaze slipped far away. “I worked under the quartermaster in Vicksburg after the war ended. The soldiers were going home. They came from everywhere, from the prisoner of war camps, from every Union encampment in Confederate lands.”
Louise thought of Warren, who had died before the war ended. If he’d lived, he might have gotten the political position he craved. At this moment she might be living in the New York capital of Albany or even Washington rather than in a boardinghouse in Singapore, Michigan, but she wouldn’t trade places for anything. “They must have been eager to get home.”
“Too eager. Couple that with greedy shippers as well as captains and army officers who were supposed to look out for the men, and disaster was inevitable.”
Louise shivered. She remembered it now. The terrible explosion and sinking of the paddlewheel steamboat. She had read of it with horror and had even wondered if Warren had been onboard, since word of his death had not yet arrived. “The Sultana. You were there?”
“I was on it.”
“Oh, my.” A hand went to her mouth, as if it could stop the horror. “You were not...”
“Injured? Yes, but not in the way you think. My injury couldn’t be covered by a bandage or cured by a doctor.” He gripped her shoulders, his expression so earnest that it frightened her.
“You don’t need to talk about this.”
“I do. Don’t you see? The guilt has followed me ever since that night.”
“Guilt? Why would you feel guilt? You suffered through the disaster and survived.”
“I shouldn’t have.” His expression had grown grim. “You see, I should have stopped the steamboat.”
“You had that power?”
“I could have. I could have notified my commander’s superior. I could have told the soldiers to leave the ship when I saw how overloaded it was. I didn’t. No, I stood by, loyal to my commander even though I suspected he was taking a percentage of the bounty paid by the government for each man loaded on the ship.”
His grip had grown so strong that she cried out.
He pulled back his hands like he’d grabbed hold of a log in the fire. “Forgive me. It wasn’t fair to burden you with this.”
“No. I want to hear. I want to know.”
But he didn’t look like he believed her.
So she pleaded in a different way. “I too carry a hidden pain.”
His anguish eased. “Your inability to have children?”
That wasn’t it. Not really.
She shook her head. How difficult it was to speak this aloud, as if saying it betrayed Warren’s memory. His parents would deny it, just as they had denied any of his shortcomings over the years.
“My late husband,” she whispered, barely getting it past her throat.
He waited, holding her shoulders gently now, as if to support her.
She had to close her eyes. She could not say this while looking at anyone. “He drank spirits often. It made him mad. H-he would attack me.” She touched her jaw, which had begun to ache.
“A man should never strike a woman, especially his wife.”
“He did not love me. He never loved me. He married me to make his parents furious. They hated me,” she said softly. It seemed excessively cruel, but it was the truth. “Each day he was home I lived in fear.”
He gathered her in his arms and held her close. Her defenses broke then, washing away with the finality of a broken dam. The tears came, and she held on to Jesse like a buoy in a raging sea.
“I won’t let that ever happen to you again.” His voice was ragged.
She looked up into his eyes. They were stormy, filled with anger and intensity. Not the love she had hoped to see.
“You cannot stop pain.” It was something she’d come to accept. So too must she accept that their relationship could never go any further. Then she noticed a sprig of something green pinned to the lintel above Jesse’s head. Mistletoe? Was it a sign that he had changed his mind? There was only one way to find out. “Life has its burdens. I cannot give you or any man an heir.”
Instead of holding her close, he stepped back to arm’s length. “Did he do that to you?”
The separation knifed through her. She fought disappointment. “Does it matter? The past is over. The future is in God’s hands. Each of us has only this day.”
His jaw worked, as if he was trying to come to terms with something unpalatable.
She had one last shot, the one Amanda had suggested.
“There is adoption,” she said softly. “Many orphans long for a home.”
He stiffened as if ice had fallen down his neck. Then he dropped his hands. Though he said nothing, his expression gave her his answer.
She gathered the bag of toys. “Thank you for helping the children.”
Then she left.
* * *
Adopt? Jesse had seen the street urchins in every city he’d entered. He’d endured enough panhandling and pickpocket attempts to last a lifetime. As a boy, his father had threatened to send him to the orphanage if he didn’t behave. Pa’s words still rang in his head. Only the worst children went to orphanages. Only children that no one else will take. Adopt?
Jesse shuddered.
What was Louise thinking? It must be desperation. No, the choice was clear. Marriage to Louise meant a lifetime without holding an infant son in his arms, without searching the boy’s face for any resemblance to himself. A man needed a son.
Yet he could not forget the disappointment in Louise’s eyes and the quick averting of her face. It had torn through him like a bullet and still stuck in his mind that night when he lay down to sleep.
The next day, he saw Miss Pickett off and then checked with Roland to see if any mail had arrived.
Roland looked up from his ledger. “Not this time.”
Jesse felt a flood of relief. “I hope there won’t be any more.”
Roland set down his pen. “Have you made a decision then?”
Jesse blew out his breath. “Not yet.” The desire for children warred with his love for Louise. He couldn’t imagine never holding his own child. Neither could he imagine a life without Louise. It was a hopeless dilemma.
Roland shook his head before tackling the ledger again. “Is there anyone you can imagine seeing every day?”
Louise. But Jesse couldn’t say that, or Roland would ask why he didn’t just propose to her. That was something he couldn’t answer without betraying her privacy, which he would never do. He’d already hurt her enough.
“Let’s just say I’m undecided,” he finally answered.
“Mmm.” Roland shook his head again.
“What does that mean?”
“All I can tell you is that once you’ve found the woman who captures your heart, you’d better do everything you can to hold on to her.”
Jesse couldn’t very well say that he would. “I’ll keep that in mind, but so far no one’s perfect.”
Roland burst out laughing. “If you’re looking for perfection, you’ll never find it. We’re all imperfect. That’s what makes life interesting. It’s not about meeting a set of criteria, it’s about finding someone who makes you laugh, who brings joy and excitement to every day. It’s about a woman so dear that the thought of never seeing her again is intolerable. Once you’ve found that, you’ll know she’s the one.”
His advice rolled around in Jesse’s mind all weekend. Louise was all that and more. The thought of leaving her behind was the worst part about taking the South Manitou lighthouse keeper position, but he’d assumed that feeling would wane in time. What if he was wrong?
He watched her during Christmas service. She sang with all her heart and gave extra attention to the Evanses’ niece. Seeing her with the little girl pierced his heart. She would make such a good mother. She was patient and gentle and kind. Love flowed out of her, and she didn’t even realize it. How bitter it must be to know she couldn’t have children.
As Mr. Calloway read the Scripture that told the story of Elizabeth, who had been considered barren but conceived late in life, he wished such things could happen these days.
Oh ye of little faith.
The words resounded in his head. But he did have faith. That story was from long ago. The impossible had happened in order to fulfill God’s plan. It didn’t happen today.
“...behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream,” Mr. Calloway was reading from the gospel of Matthew.
Jesse started. He’d been lost in his thoughts instead of paying attention.
“Saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife...”
Jesse did not hear the rest of the reading, for in that moment, he understood exactly what Joseph had been thinking. His wife would give birth, but not to Joseph’s son. In the dream, God told him to accept the child as his own. To adopt.
Joseph had “adopted” Jesus. That was God’s plan.
Jesse sat stunned. Joseph had obeyed God. Would he?
Louise got up and walked to the back of the church with the Evans girl. That’s when Jesse realized that all the children had moved there, but he had no idea why. The nativity play had taken place yesterday. Were they planning to sing?
“Now we’ll sing ‘Joy to the World,’” Mr. Calloway announced.
The hymn began, and something lifted from Jesse’s heart. The agonies of the past didn’t disappear, but they were somehow overshadowed by a peace and, yes, joy.
When the song ended, a riotous sound drew every head to the children, who were blowing their whistles with all their might. Laughter bubbled to many lips, including Jesse’s. Then he saw Louise, hands clasped at her throat, beaming at the children.
In that moment he knew. As Roland had said he would, Jesse knew.
* * *
The whistles were ear-piercing, but Louise couldn’t help herself. She laughed and then clapped. So did many others, for these children who had lost so much were grinning and poking each other with their elbows and standing so tall and proud.
Louise brushed away a tear. Surely this was the best Christmas ever. Not for lavish feasts or special gifts or family reunions. No, this year she felt in her heart the babe in a stable, God come to earth not with great splendor and riches but in the humblest way. A tiny baby. A dirty stable. No relatives gazing on. Yet the skies were filled with great joy, just as this small church was filled with joy. The Christ had come!
For a moment, the displaced forgot their loss. Parents hugged children, tears in their eyes.
The poor forgot their empty larder. A feast pulled together from everyone’s stores awaited in the hotel dining room. Sawyer hugged Fiona and Mary Clare, doubtless eager to begin.
The orphans forgot their lack of family. Dinah and Linore. Pearl and Amanda. Some had made new families. Others found a family in this tiny community.
So had Louise. God might not grant her a family of her own, but the entire town had embraced her. She could love the young ladies she taught and the children of dear friends. It was enough.
That lightened her heart. So much so that she didn’t notice Jesse approach until he spoke.
“I’ve never seen anyone more lovely.”
The words startled her. Surely he could not mean her. But he did. He looked only at her. No other woman stood near except the mothers of the children who had blown their whistles.
She swallowed and averted her gaze. “Thank you for the whistles.”
His gaze never wavered.
“I’ve made a terrible mistake,” he said, “and hurt you in the process.”
She held her breath and just as quickly let it out. He was simply apologizing.
“I accept your apology.” She started to move away before he raised the old obstacle between them again.
He stopped her with a light touch on her arm. “Please hear me out. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I accept it. You have been kind and considerate and patient from the start. I have, well, I’ve been stuck in foolish thought and behavior. You were right, you see.”
“I was?” She hazarded a glance and saw open honesty in his expression.
He nodded. “We can only do our best and leave the rest to God.”
Her heart skipped a beat, but she tried to calm herself. “I learned that from a dear, old friend, now deceased.”
“She—or he—was wise.”
“Yes, she was, and one of my few friends in New York.”
Many of the families had already left the church. Only a few people remained: the Calloways, Pearl and Roland, Amanda Decker and Fiona, who looked like she wanted to ask her something.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” he said.
“Thank you.” She nodded toward the group waiting near the door. “Perhaps we should leave.” To push home the point, she began to walk in that direction.
Again he stopped her. “Please give me a moment.”
Louise glanced at her friends, who all nodded their approval. Though they stood across the room, Louise felt as if she was a specimen beneath a looking glass.
Jesse took a deep breath, his expression solemn. “I botched this the last time. This time I want you to know there are no restrictions and no criteria to be met. Louise Smythe, I can’t imagine living one day without you. I love everything about you. Would you do me the great honor of—”
This time she stopped him with a single raised finger.
Though her heart thumped wildly, Louise could not let him say what she expected he was trying to say without telling him everything. There would be no secrets and nothing withheld this time. “You need to know that I do not want to leave Singapore.”
He started. “You don’t?”
“It has become my home. These families are my family. The children are my children. I can’t go to a barren island.”
He nodded solemnly, and she steeled herself for his departure. Instead, he took her small hands in his large ones. “Neither can I.”
She stared. “You can’t?”
“No. I didn’t know it until now, but ambition isn’t everything in life. I will stay as long as the Lighthouse Service lets me.”
Now her pulse was really accelerating.
“And the reason why,” he continued, “is because of you. I could live anywhere if you were there. Without you, it’s just another place. This is home. I love you, Louise Smythe.” He dropped to one knee. “I love you and would be the happiest man on earth if you would consent to become my wife.”
“But the children you wanted?”
“We can adopt.”
Had she just heard correctly? He hadn’t said it with absolute certainty, but he had said it. Tears filled her eyes.
“When I think of how much Dinah and Linore wanted a real family, I desperately want to take a child into my heart.”
“Linore and Dinah are orphans?”
“And Pearl and Amanda.”
He looked stunned. “But they’re nothing like...” He shook his head. “Apparently my father wasn’t quite accurate.”
Louise had no idea what he meant, but she did see the tension slip from him.
“Yes, we can adopt,” he said with a great deal more joy. “I love you, Louise, and can’t think of anything I’d rather do than spend the rest of my life with you and the children God brings into our lives. We can adopt. In fact, let’s do it right away.”
“Aren’t you forgetting something, Mr. Hammond?”
He sobered. “You don’t accept?”
How could she refuse that boyish disappointment. “I do. Yes, I do.”
Then he broke into a genuine smile, one broader than she’d ever seen. It changed his appearance from pensive and weighty to one of pure joy, and her heart surged toward him. This was indeed the man she loved.
He stood, swept her into his arms and looked deep into her eyes. “There’s something else I’ve forgotten.” Then he kissed her, pure and yet filled with the promise of what was to come.
When the kiss ended, she gazed at her fiancé as if seeing him anew. She had no idea what had changed his mind, but she had no doubt of the change. Jesse Hammond was a new man, one looking into the future not back at the past. Freed of burden and filled with joy.
“Look who found the mistletoe,” cried Pearl.
Louise looked up and laughed. No doubt her friends had placed it there, and somehow she and Jesse had managed to stand directly beneath it. Her three friends all clapped. Then they surrounded her with embraces and congratulations.
“Just think,” Pearl said, “you will almost be a Christmas bride like us.”
A bride. Louise let that sink in. She looked to Jesse, and their gazes locked. This time she had made the right choice.