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It was too early for cheeseburgers, even for me. We both opted for take-out diner breakfasts instead. The food was still warm as we perched on the ledge overlooking the water. An occasional runner went past, some with a dog jogging by their side. Boats were being loaded with people and supplies to head out for the day. I liked the idea of spending a day on a boat, but boats do not like me. I’d be miserable and sick from the swaying even hours after we docked.
“We have food. We are in our spot. Time to talk. I’ve held up my end.” I picked at my omelet, not looking at Ben.
“I don’t know where—”
“—to start. I got it. When did you decide to leave?” I asked.
“I didn’t decide.” I let that pass. Clearly, a decision had been made at some point. I rephrased the question.
“When did you know you were going to leave?” I asked.
“Two days beforehand. I didn’t want to go.”
“If you didn’t decide, then who did?”
Ben blew out through his mouth while running his fingers through his hair. He didn’t speak for a full minute. My patience started to ebb.
“This is going to sound . . . terrible, but . . .” His voice trailed off. His takeout container sat open on his lap, untouched.
“Just get on with it.” I stopped picking at my food and started eating in earnest. Emotional eating and I were good friends.
“My dad made me.”
What?! “Your dad made you.”
“Yes.”
“I’m going to need a better lie than that.”
“It’s the truth.”
“Then you are a pansy. Your dad made you? Come on.” I pushed the container aside and stood up to pace. I needed to move.
“It started before I left. My father was adamant about meeting you. He complained I was unfocused and undisciplined. He wanted to know what was causing me ‘to fail.’ His words.”
“What were you failing?” I continued to walk back and forth in front of him.
“Work. I was distracted, as I told you. I’ll admit that to you, but I didn’t to my father at the time.” Ben paused.
“Go on.” I stopped pacing and stood in front of him, blocking his view of the lake, and forced him to look at me.
“Before I met you, I worked fourteen-hour days. The business was my life. After you, I barely squeezed in six hours each day. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be home when you got there, to hear about your day. I couldn’t wait just to talk to you. I was a bit ‘love-sick.’ Also, his words, but those I always agreed with.”
I sat back down next to him but didn’t pick my food back up. Most of it was gone anyway. I remembered those days well. I looked forward to seeing him after my classes, too, always disappointed if he wasn’t waiting for me. I felt powerless around him. Looking back, I realized he was more of a drug to me. I knew I was moving too fast, spending too much time with him, but I couldn’t stop myself. I made him my life instead of just a part of it. I just wanted to be with him.
“I think love-sick would describe both of us. Why didn’t you just introduce me?”
“I wanted to protect you from them. They, my parents, can be very demanding. I finally agreed to introduce you the night of the charity benefit.”
“The one we left early?”
“Yes.”
“But, I didn’t meet them.”
“You did. I just introduced them by name and didn’t clarify they were my parents. Remember the couple you met first?”
I thought back to that night. I hadn’t paid much attention to the other attendees. My only focus had been Ben. He had a way of making me only care about him. My tunnel vision was long and narrow. Ben the only focus. Anyone he introduced me to went in one ear and out the other. Other people were just an annoyance to my focus on him. I did remember when we arrived, a middle-aged couple near the entrance. There was nothing special about them. They hadn’t looked familiar to me, but I remember thinking, it’s like they are waiting for us, before turning my focus back to Ben. I cringed now at how young and dumb I was. I could finally see how unhealthy my fascination with him was.
“The couple by the door?”
“Yes. Your memory has always amazed me. You pick up on the smallest of details.”
“Thanks, I guess.” Another memory from the night surfaced of us on the dance floor. The man had caught Ben’s eye and waved him over. I excused myself to the restroom, but when I returned, Ben had seemed distant, distracted. It was during the next dance that we’d bailed. “You didn’t introduce them as your parents.”
“No. They obviously knew who you were. I didn’t want to bring you into our ongoing argument.”
Anger surged through me. Another example of the imbalance in our relationship. Ben made a decision for the both of us without consulting me.
“Instead you left me out in the cold, figuratively and literally. It felt like ramming into a brick wall when I came home that day. I never would’ve guessed there was a problem between us, but the joke’s on me.” By this point, I was standing again. My arms pierced the air, speeding up as I ranted more. “You left me with nothing. Nothing.”
“You are overreacting. Calm down.”
“Calm down? My clothes were in boxes in the lobby. The apartment was cleared out of all furniture, some of which was mine, by the way.” I poked his chest with my finger, enunciating my point. “In a matter of moments, I went from a college student to a homeless drop-out thanks to you.”
“Why do you keep saying that?” he practically yelled back at me.
“Because it’s true, you jerk. Don’t pretend like you don’t know.” Ben stood up, wrapping his hands around my upper arms. I didn’t want him this close to me. I started to pull away to continue my tirade, but reason won out. If I stopped moving, he would let me go sooner. I stood statue-still, but he didn’t release me.
“Regan, I need you to take a deep breath and tell me what you are referring to. I didn’t leave you like that.”
“But you admit you left me.”
“I do. I’m sorry. It was childish and immature. I should’ve stood up to my father then, not two years later. I should’ve been a man and stood up for you, too. I didn’t. I can’t change that. But, I swear, I didn’t leave you with nothing.”
I nodded, and he released me. Both of us took our seats on the step. A runner casually pointed to Ben; I nodded to let him know it was okay before he passed. As the morning continued, the boat activity increased, as did the number of runners and walkers using the marina. I put a little more space between us before continuing.
“But, ya did,” I said, getting in the last word.
I gave him a shortened version but included all the details. He leaned forward while listening to me, resting his elbows on his knees. His hands clasped between his knees. Surprise registered on his face a few times while I spoke. When I finished, the silenced stretched out.
“Regan. I swear that wasn’t my intention.”
“But it was still your intention to leave.” Ben blew out a sigh, shoulders slumped.
“Yes. I had planned it where the only thing missing would’ve been me. Your scholarship, stipend, and living expenses were supposed to be taken care of until you finished school. You were supposed to have the choice to stay there. I know I’ve said it before, but I am truly sorry.”
“Then how did it happen?” I asked. “I’m forgiving you. I’m just curious.”
“I assume it was my father. He trumped my decisions.”
I was tired of hearing his apologies and tired of the subject, but I couldn’t stop myself from asking more questions. “It’s over. Well, almost. Where did you go? And, you still haven’t explained the why, yet.”
“I went to London. The company planned to expand overseas long before I met you, but the timeline moved up once I stopped performing to my father’s expectations.”
“Did you want to go?” I asked.
“Yes. No.” Ben blew out his breath in exasperation. He ran his fingers through his hair and looked out at the lake. “I wanted the opportunity, even after I met you. I wanted to ask you to join me, but I couldn’t ask that of you.”
“I would’ve gone.”
“That’s why I didn’t ask. What would you have done there? You wouldn’t have had any friends or family, work or school. I worked twenty-hour days most of the time. You would’ve been alone and miserable.”
“And your best option was just to leave? Not even give me a say? I should’ve had a choice. You should’ve had the decency and respect to dump me face-to-face. Those are the things I can’t forgive you for. You were a coward. Maybe you still are.” I stood up again but didn’t pace. I crossed my arms in the breeze and watched the water, hoping it would soothe me.
“I was a coward. It took me two more years to tell my dad no. Two years. Until then, I did what he wanted, when he wanted it.”
“But not anymore?” I still kept my back to him, but I could feel his body heat against my back. He must have been a hair’s breadth away. I didn’t dare turn around.
“Not anymore.” His hands once again rested on my upper arms. Gentler this time. Not holding me in place, but giving us a connection. “After two years, I walked away. I haven’t worked for him since.”
“It’s quite the pattern you have.” Ben lightly squeezed my arms but didn’t reply to my comment. “Where did you go that time?”
“To the beach. I sat on the water every day staring at the sea until I figured out my next move. It brought me back here.”
“To Chicago?” His thumbs caressed my skin absentmindedly.
“Yes. I think subconsciously I was looking for you.” Ben turned me around to face him, our bodies a whisper apart. His hand nudged my chin up until I was looking him in the eye. “It took me six months to work up the courage to walk into O’Kelly’s looking for you. I didn’t know if you had gone back to work there, but I thought Peter would at least know where to find you.”
“Peter never told me you came looking for me.”
“I didn’t make it ten steps inside the place before he saw me. He was carrying a case of beer to the bar. I thought maybe he didn’t know who I was because he hadn’t acknowledged me. Without even looking up, he said, ‘Too late, buddy, she’s gone.’ I tried to ask him some questions, but he made it clear that he wouldn’t tell me anything, so I left.”
“Then fast forward a few years, and a girl walks into a bar.”
“The girl.”
Later, I would wonder if it was the dredging up of old history or just a small spark that still lingered. I don’t know why I didn’t stop him. Once again, I felt the pull. The magnet drawing me to him. Instantly, I was an addict and about to get a hit. I wanted him to kiss me. My body was screaming for it, but when his lips touched mine, only one thought remained.
Gray.