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I talked Gray into going back to Peter’s to clean up and rest. I convinced him that I would only be sleeping and would be perfectly fine.
I lied. I had my fingers crossed the whole time.
I gave Gray fifteen minutes to get downstairs and into a cab before I snuck out of my room. I found Anais’s room with ease. After all, she was the only patient with a policeman guarding her room. It just took a little wandering and eavesdropping on the nurses until one of them mentioned it.
At least, I hoped it was her room. It would be rather awkward if I barged in on a stranger.
True to form, I had no plan, but quickly realized that I didn’t need one when I saw Liam and his partner standing outside the door. It took some finagling and some puppy dog eyes, but they finally let me in for five minutes. Liam stood by the door watching us but kept his distance.
“Regan. I’m glad you are well,” Anais said.
Anais had aged overnight. Withered really. In her kitchen, she had been full of life and determined. Today she looked frail and thin under the blanket. Her hair was thin and unkempt. I realized that I didn’t think I’d ever seen her with her hair down. She looked like she had already wasted away.
“Really?” I asked.
“You won’t understand this now. I’m hoping maybe someday you will when you have children of your own. There is nothing like a mother’s love. We turn into protective bears when our own are threatened. I couldn’t let everything fall apart around him, especially with me dying soon. I have been in protection mode since I found out about the debt. I only wanted to protect Peter.”
“I think this crosses the line, don’t you?” I asked.
“It’s all perspective, I guess.” Anais closed her eyes for a moment and gathered more strength.
Although I found it creepy, I could understand . . . to a point. My mother had the same relationship with my baby brother. She didn’t see it, but the rest of us could clearly.
“I just want to understand,” I said. I stood a few feet back from her bed. I couldn’t go any closer.
“You may never, dear. I am sorry that you got in the middle. I have always had a soft spot in my heart for you.”
Nice way to show it! If poisoning me with peanuts was a soft spot, then thank God, she didn’t love me.
“Why did you come?” Anais asked.
“To tell you that I forgive you. I don’t understand you, and I am angry with you, but I forgive you.” I turned to leave, having said my piece. I was angry with her. I felt hurt and betrayed. She’d been my Chicago mother. I didn’t want to carry around the negative feelings until they turned into bitterness. That was why I had to forgive her.
“Regan?” Anais said. I paused at the door but didn’t turn back.
“I’ve read every one of your books . . . and enjoyed them.”
I left the room, closing the door behind me quietly. I leaned against it and smiled. Even Anais’s last words were a compliment. She had to make it clear that she not only read them but had actually enjoyed them. Every time she’d commented on my writing, I’d thought she hadn’t been proud of what I’d accomplished. I was wrong. That was what I was choosing to remember about her.
“That was very big of you,” Liam said. He leaned against the wall near me.
“I needed to see her one last time. I needed to see her not as the ruthless manipulator and plotter, but as the woman I have always known. Thank you.” I started back toward my room.
“Regan . . . What you just did in there. That will help you heal.” Liam straightened up his stance but hesitated. “I know from experience.”
I hid back in my room under the covers and cried. I let the release come. I purged out all of it. All of the insanity of the last few days. I mourned for Peter and what he was going through. I mourned what was to come. I was giving myself this time and then I was putting it away. Putting it behind me. Maybe even running from it.
I felt the bed shift and heard the squeaks as Gray crawled in beside me to hold me. I should’ve known that he wouldn’t actually leave. I should’ve known he would stay with me while I hurt.
One day I might learn.