We recognize that relationships take effort. We choose to continue to invest in each other and our mutual love, satisfaction, and growth. We understand that it’s easier to deepen and strengthen a relationship during periods of love and happiness rather than trying to improve it during a rough patch.
This commitment is drafted for the mutual benefit of all parties in this relationship.
This agreement is entered into by and between:
Partner 1:_________ _________ _________ _________
Partner 2:_________ _________ _________ _________
(hereafter referred to as Partner 1 and Partner 2)
The term of this agreement shall begin on_________ _________ .
We agree to revisit this agreement on_________ _________ _.
Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman tell us that a “bid” is the “fundamental unit of emotional communication.” Bids can be small or big, verbal or nonverbal. At their core, they’re simply requests to connect. And they might take the form of an expression, question, or physical outreach. Or they can be funny, serious, or even sexual in nature. Every time your partner makes a bid, you have a choice. You can “turn toward” the bid, acknowledging your partner’s needs; or “turn away,” ignoring the request for connection. People in successful relationships turn toward each other 86 percent of the time. Those in struggling relationships turn toward each other only 33 percent of the time. Couples that turn toward each other’s bids enjoy a relationship that’s full of trust, passion, and satisfying sex.
We commit to bidding often and turning toward our partner’s bids as often as we can:
Partner 1 |
Partner 2 |
Initial here:_________ __ |
Initial here:_________ __ |
Each week, we want to spend the following one-on-one time together:
(Mark the number of times per week you’ll see each other during this time slot)
We’ll spend one-on-one time together_______ occasion(s) per week.
We’ll spend_______ days/nights together without using our phones each week.
Some of our favorite shared rituals are:
(For example, grocery shopping, movie dates, breakfast in bed, etc.)
We commit to doing these as often as we can.
If we miss_________ number of opportunities for quality time per month, we will make it up by:
(For example, going away for a weekend, cooking dinner at home together, etc.)
We also want to try new rituals.
Between now and our next check-in, we will adopt the new ritual of:
(For example, cooking Sunday brunch, saying what we’re grateful for before bed, etc.)
Three special activities that really matter to us are:
(For example, traveling, fancy restaurants, taking a class together, etc.)
We commit to making time for these activities with the following frequency:
(For example, cooking together—once a week, etc.)
We recognize people need different amounts of alone time to recharge.
Partner 1
I require the following amount of alone time:
A treasured solo activity for me is:
Partner 2
I require the following amount of alone time:
A treasured solo activity for me is:
We both acknowledge the other’s needs in terms of time apart.
We prefer our friend group to be:
Partner 1
I commit to getting to know the following three people in Partner 2’s social circle:
Partner 2
I commit to getting to know the following three people in Partner 1’s social circle:
One goal for our social lives between now and our next check-in is:
(for example, attend more parties together, join a sports team, host monthly dinners)
We’ll see Partner 1’s family with the following frequency:
We’ll see Partner 2’s family with the following frequency:
The following holidays/special occasions are prioritized as follows:
(for example, at a certain family’s house, through a certain faith, etc).
Occasion 1:_________ ________
How we’d like to spend it:_________ ________
Occasion 2:_________ ________
How we’d like to spend it:_________ ________
Occasion 3:_________ ________
How we’d like to spend it:_________ ________
We understand that people prefer to receive love in different ways. The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
We like to receive affection in the following ways:
Partner 1
My love language is:
Partner 2
My love language is:
We understand that everyone handles stress differently.
Partner 1
I handle stress by:
I feel supported during stressful times by:
Partner 2
I handle stress by:
I feel supported during stressful times by:
We understand that some behaviors in relationships are damaging. John and Julie Gottman tell us that couples who engage in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling are more likely to break up or stay together unhappily. For this reason, these behaviors are collectively known as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
Criticism: Instead of verbally attacking my partner’s character or personality, I will talk about how I’m feeling and make a specific request for different behavior in the future (for example, “I feel lonely when you don’t spend time with me. I want us to spend one night a week together” rather than “You don’t care about me!”).
Contempt: Instead of attacking my partner, I’ll build a culture of appreciation and remind myself of my partner’s strengths.
Defensiveness: Instead of trying to reverse blame or victimize myself, I’ll accept my partner’s feedback and perspective and apologize.
Stonewalling: Instead of withdrawing from conflict when I feel flooded, I’ll take a break to calm myself down. I’ll revisit the conversation when I feel like I can talk productively again.
Partner 1 |
Partner 2 |
Initial here:_________ __ |
Initial here:_________ __ |
When we fight, we prefer the following communication methods:
(For example, in person, through written communication, etc.)
Partner 1
I prefer:
Partner 2
I prefer:
People may experience emotional flooding when their emotions go into overdrive. When we’re flooded, we’ll request a time-out using the following word:_________ _________ _
For us, sex is:
We commit to having sex a minimum of_________ ____ times a_________ ____.
In terms of exclusivity, we are:
We agree to follow the principles of Dan Savage’s GGG policy: When it comes to our sex life, we will be good, giving, and game.
Partner 1 |
Partner 2 |
Initial here:_________ __ |
Initial here:_________ __ |
We understand that strong relationships require ongoing effort. We acknowledge that our priorities, interests, and feelings may—and likely will—shift over time. We commit to uphold the aforementioned commitments until our next contract review or until the relationship ends.
Partner 1
Print name:_________ ________
Signature:_________ ________
Partner 2
Print name:_________ ________
Signature:_________ ________
Date:_________