How to Overcome the Romanticizer Tendency
Twenty minutes into our first session and the tears were already flowing.
“I know he’s out there,” Maya said. “He just hasn’t found me yet.”
He? Her soul mate. The peanut butter to her jelly. The one. Maya couldn’t stop talking about this man who would make all of her dreams come true. She believed the perfect guy was waiting for her just around the corner.
“I want to meet him organically,” she explained when I asked about her current approach to dating. “The apps feel too unromantic to me. Why mess with fate?”
Maya has long black hair that she spends an hour blow-drying every morning before work. When she tells a story, every detail seems slightly more dramatic because she lifts her dark eyebrows in surprise or grins to show her sparkling teeth. (Makes sense—she’s a dentist who runs her own practice.) She’s the child of Iranian immigrants, and her parents are in year thirty-five of what she describes as a “very happy marriage.” She wants what they have.
She’s had a few boyfriends—one in college, two since—but nothing’s stuck. She’s always broken up with these guys. “When it’s right, I’ll know,” she says, arching an eyebrow. She grew up watching and rewatching Disney movies like The Little Mermaid on VHS, and is waiting for her happily ever after.
Maya is a quintessential Romanticizer. Romanticizers believe that love is something that happens to you, and that the reason they’re single is they just haven’t met the right person yet. Romanticizers might not consciously identify with fairy tales, yet they expect their lives to resemble one. They believe the perfect person will walk into their lives one day. All they have to do is wait for that moment. And once that Prince Charming or Cinderella appears, love will be effortless. Of course! Cue the Céline Dion soundtrack!
Who cares if you’re a hopeless romantic? I do, and you should, too.
In behavioral science, we know mindset matters. Our attitudes and expectations create the context for our experience, which in turn affects how we interpret information and make decisions.
When it comes to romantic relationships, psychologist Renae Franiuk found that people have either a soul mate mindset, the belief that relationship satisfaction comes from finding the right person; or a work-it-out mindset, the belief that relationship success derives from putting in effort.
Unsurprisingly, Romanticizers fall into the soul mate mindset category. This impacts how they act at every stage of the relationship. First, it affects the way they approach finding a partner. When I asked Maya why she thought she was single, she said, “It just hasn’t happened to me yet.” In Maya’s mind, love is something that happens to you, like lightning striking. So why try? Romanticizers wait for love and won’t put effort in to create love. (I once worked with a woman who would dress up for every flight in case her “future husband” was on the same plane, but then refused to approach anyone lest she be perceived as trying too hard.)
Second, this mindset influences whom you’re willing to go out with. People with soul mate beliefs tend to have a very specific vision of how their partner will look. When we met, Maya rattled off a list of her future husband’s physical traits: “Light-haired, light-eyed. Fit. Muscular but not too muscular. Tasteful tattoos. Medium-length hair. Pretty face but slightly rugged, bad-boy-looking. Tall—five-ten and up. Good hands, no short nails.”
Since Romanticizers are confident they know what their future partner will look like, when they meet someone who doesn’t match that image, they won’t give that person a chance. They end up missing out on great potential matches.
When they start dating someone they believe is “the one,” their sky-high expectations can propel the relationship forward. But when the couple hits an inevitable obstacle—say, for instance, a particularly heated fight—they give up on the relationship rather than trying to overcome it.
Maya’s Romanticizer tendency helps explain why she struggled in her previous partnerships. “In all my relationships, I end up thinking, Wait a minute. Why is this so hard?” she said. “Love is supposed to be effortless, right? This can’t possibly be ‘the one.’ ”
In comparison, those with the work-it-out mindset believe that relationships take effort, that love is an action you take, not something that happens to you. People with the work-it-out mindset tend to fare better in relationships because when they stumble, they put in the work needed to get the relationship back on track, rather than giving up.
If you’re a Romanticizer who wants to find a lasting relationship, it’s time to move on from fairy tales and start a new chapter with a work-it-out mindset.
Romanticizers aren’t the only ones who think marriage holds the promise of a great love story filled with explosive passion. Many of us feel that way.
But it wasn’t always like this.
In fact, for most of history, the idea of marrying for love would have seemed silly. Marriage was about economics and convenience. You married someone because their father’s land was adjacent to your father’s land. Or because you were poor and someone offered your family a dozen cows in exchange for your hand in marriage.
As marriage historian Stephanie Coontz explained, “Until the late eighteenth century, most societies around the world saw marriage as far too vital an economic and political institution to be left entirely to the free choice of the two individuals involved, especially if they were going to base their decision on something as unreasoning and transitory as love.”
We know from ancient poetry that humans have always experienced love. In the four-thousand-year-old Sumerian “Love Song for Shu-Sin,” considered the world’s oldest love poem, the author declares: “Lion, let me caress you / My precious caress is more savory than honey.” (And I know what you’re thinking, but no, that isn’t a Beyoncé lyric!) But for most of human history, love was simply not part of the marriage equation. Love was something you might experience outside of the marriage. Perhaps you’d have a love affair with a neighbor or develop a major crush on the local blacksmith.
Alain de Botton studies how our views on love have changed over time. He’s a philosopher who runs the School of Life, a crash course in how to design a meaningful existence. He’s also written two profound novels on relationships—On Love and The Course of Love.
When I spoke with him, he explained how our ancestors used to view love: “It was seen as a very exciting moment, akin to a kind of illness, a kind of ecstatic moment. Love stood outside of ordinary experience… almost like a religious visitation. And it might have occurred to someone only once in their life. It was not generally seen to be something that you should act upon in any practical way. You let it wash over you, you let it guide an intense summer in your youth, but you certainly didn’t marry according to it.”
It wasn’t until around 1750 that the idea of marrying for love took hold. It all dates back to the age of Romanticism, an ideological movement that began in Europe, with philosophers waxing poetic about love, and eventually took over the world. Romanticism elevated love from “a kind of illness” to the new model for what we have come to expect from long-term relationships. The Industrial Revolution propelled this model’s adoption by mainstream society. With greater mechanization and more widespread wealth, marriages could finally focus more on personal fulfillment than on meeting basic needs.
Several centuries later, Romanticism still rules our ideas about love. Take a look at this list of Romantic ideals. How many of these do you relate to?
The more these ideas resonated with you, the more you’ve been brainwashed by the principles of Romanticism. (And if all of them did, I’d love to borrow your glass slippers and pumpkin carriage.)
When people expect romantic relationships to unfold this way, they develop soul mate beliefs, just like Maya did. They waste years waiting for “the one,” rejecting anyone who doesn’t meet their unrealistic expectations of love.
Movies and TV shows have long perpetuated the syrupy ideals of Romanticism (read: Life isn’t The Notebook). Not only are these messages about love and long-term relationships incorrect, they’re also harmful. Plus, kissing in the rain is so much colder and more uncomfortable than it seems. Here are the main culprits:
Soul mate belief Disney perpetuates
“The one” is out there, and he or she looks just like you imagined.
Disney tells us that one day we’ll get swept off our feet by our own Prince or Princess Charming. This tendency plagues more than just straight women; I’ve met Romanticizers of all different genders and sexual orientations. And they’re all out there waiting for this perfect person. He’s an architect who also mentors foster children. She’s a model with a PhD. This person has every positive quality they want and none of the bad ones.
In animated Disney movies, people fall in love without even knowing each other. In The Little Mermaid, all Prince Eric knew about Ariel was that she was an attractive redhead with the upper-body strength to pull him safely to shore when his boat capsized. And he loved her for that? In Cinderella, the heroine falls for the prince because he can dance and makes an effort to return lost items to their rightful owner. Seems a little shallow, if you ask me.
Work-it-out mindset shift
Even Prince Charming has morning breath.
No one is perfect, including you. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Think about the last time you really let someone down. (If you’re having trouble thinking of your flaws, try giving your siblings a call for inspiration. I’m sure they’d be more than happy to remind you.)
It’s time to give up on this idea of perfection.
Like Maya, you may have in your mind a vision of your future wife or husband. Perhaps this is informed by an early crush on the boy across the street or your favorite movie star. It’s time to realize that the package this person comes in might be different from what you were expecting. Maybe this person is shorter or taller or rounder or slimmer or darker or lighter or hairier or smoother than you expected. That very narrow view of this person’s looks holds you back from seeing the possibilities in front of you. If you’re not perfect, why should this person be? Stop the double standard: You’re not a movie star. (And if you are, cool! Thanks for reading my book!)
Soul mate belief Disney perpetuates
The hard work of love is finding someone. Everything after that is easy.
Disney movies depict everything a couple goes through leading up to the marriage—the courtship, the conflict, the evil witch standing in their way. But once they vanquish their foes and can finally be together, the couple’s challenge ends. After that, happily ever after, right?
Wrong. I call this the Happily-Ever-After Fallacy—the false notion that the hard part of love is finding someone.
Work-it-out mindset shift
No relationship is easy all the time. Even the healthiest, most rewarding marriages require effort.
Finding someone can be hard, but often the real challenge comes later. The hard part is the daily work you put in to grow and sustain a great relationship. The hard part is feeling excited to see your spouse at the end of the day, after thirty years and two kids, long after the honeymoon period is over. The hard part is remembering why you love someone during all the logistical, financial, emotional, and spiritual challenges life throws at you.
Soul mate belief rom-coms perpetuate
Don’t worry, love will find you, and it’ll probably happen in a really great meet-cute way you’ll want to tell your friends about.
Rom-coms are Disney fairy tales for people old enough to buy their own movie tickets. And who find bumbling English men attractive. (Colin Firth is like Brussels sprouts; you don’t appreciate him until you’re older.) We all know rom-coms are not real life. Yet they’ve still surreptitiously bored their way into our collective subconscious. Especially when it comes to the meet-cute. In a rom-com, the meet-cute is the hero and heroine’s first encounter, and it often happens as the two characters are just going about their day—visiting the farmers’ market, for example. And you think that it could happen to you, too. You’ll reach for that perfect-looking tomato at exactly the same moment when the handsome stranger next to you goes for it, and BAM! your eyes meet. He explains he needs the tomato to make his grandmother’s bruschetta (pronounced with the proper Italian flourish). You offer to let him keep it. He asks if he can buy you a cappuccino to thank you. You say yes. Eleven months, one major fight, and one grand gesture later, he’s chasing you down the terminal at JFK Airport, flanked by TSA agents, begging you not to get on your flight to Seoul for your new job at an advertising agency.
The rom-com promotes the idea that love finds you and not the other way around. That love at first sight is real. That all you have to do is live your life (and consume vast amounts of tomatoes while hanging out at the farmers’ market) and one day your future husband or wife will magically appear. While I acknowledge that people do meet in real life all the time—at parties, events, even protests—the problem with this idea is that it gives people permission to be overly passive in their love lives.
Work-it-out mindset shift
Love takes work—from finding it to keeping it alive. Waiting around at the farmers’ market just won’t cut it. You need to put in effort to find someone. (Don’t worry, I’ll show you how in Section 2.) The magic of a relationship doesn’t depend on a serendipitous or cinematic meeting. The magic lies in the fact that two strangers come together and create a life. It’s not important where or how they met.
Soul mate belief social media perpetuates
Relationships are effortless, sex-filled love fests (in great lighting).
At least Disney movies and rom-coms are up front about the fact that they’re fictional. Social media is in many ways a more dangerous culprit because its lies disguise themselves as real life. On social media, we see curated images of the perfect relationship—from the romantic beach walk captured at sunset to the kiss over a masterfully plated homemade dinner. By contrast, we find our own partnership lacking. We compare and despair.
Work-it-out mindset shift
First off, don’t believe what you see on Instagram. Images are cropped, blurred, and distorted to send a message. And when it comes to relationships, the pictures you see on social media are only one heavily filtered view of that partnership. Just like people don’t post pictures of themselves crying or picking their nose, no one puts up photos of blowout fights with their girlfriend or nights spent wondering whether they should stay with her. Social media tells us that everyone else is experiencing a blissful, effortless, passionate, picture-perfect relationship, which contributes to our sky-high expectations for our own partnership.
Relationships go through periods of highs and lows. If you’re working hard at your relationship, that’s a good sign, not a bad one! Many hours of a marriage are spent on the everyday, rarely posted minutiae of life: changing dirty diapers, doing laundry, and washing dishes. Love happens in these moments, not in spite of them. Love is so much more than a filtered photo captured at sunset.
I explained to Maya how Disney, rom-coms, and social media had triggered her Romanticizer tendencies. If she wanted to find love, she needed to change her expectations.
She crossed her arms over her chest. “Do you get it?” she asked me, her eyebrows furrowed. “I feel like you’re telling me to give up on my dream. I have this vision of love, and now you’re saying it doesn’t exist. That I have to settle or give up. Why do other people get to have this epic relationship and I don’t? Why am I not good enough?”
I did get it. “Maya, no, that’s not it,” I said. “I want you to be open to a love that is different from the one you thought you’d have. I’m not telling you to settle. That would imply that Prince Charming is the prize and I’m asking you to date a runner-up. But that’s not true, because Prince Charming doesn’t exist.”
Same goes for you: It’s time you gave up on Prince Charming and started looking for someone real. Let’s call him Larry.
Because that’s the name of the guy Maya wound up with. She met him when she was filling in for another dentist who went on vacation. Through our work together, she learned to let go of her soul mate beliefs, which were holding her back from finding real love. Her now live-in boyfriend is nothing like she expected. He’s a divorced dad with two little kids.
“He slouches, he wears sweaters with holes in them,” she said. “He doesn’t open doors for me.” She smiled, surprised that she no longer cared about those superficial traits. “But he makes me laugh. He’s kind, and I feel like myself around him. He makes me feel smart and funny. I know it sounds cheesy, but I’m honestly much happier than I’ve ever been.”
They fight. About where to spend Thanksgiving, whether or not they really need to go to her frenemy’s wedding, and the amount he spends on his dog’s super-premium food. But now Maya believes those fights are a sign that things are right, not wrong.
“We’re passionate! We care about stuff. We talk openly. We’re not the same person, so of course we’re going to fight. I know all relationships require work. And I’m choosing to invest in this one.”