CHAPTER 9 MEET PEOPLE IRL (IN REAL LIFE)

How to Find Love off the Dating Apps

“That’s it!” Alicia said, throwing down her backpack and kicking off her shoes before she’d even closed the door to my office. “I’m done with the apps.”

After years of swiping, my client Alicia, a twenty-eight-year-old nursing-school student, was still struggling to find her partner. Thousands of swipes had turned into very few first dates and almost no second ones.

Alicia is Black. I haven’t referenced the race of my other clients thus far, but I need to mention it here because racism pervades online dating. It makes an already challenging experience that much more painful for Black women. Christian Rudder analyzed the behavior of users on OkCupid, the dating site he cofounded, on both the company’s blog and in his book, Dataclysm. He reported that Black women receive 25 percent fewer first messages than women of other races. And when Black women reach out to men first, they receive responses 25 percent less often than women of other races. Asian men contend with similar behavior. Rudder found that white, Black, and Latina women rate Asian men as 30 percent less attractive than they rate men of other races.

Alicia sank down into my couch. “The apps just aren’t working for me. I want to meet someone in person. Am I the only one who feels like that never happens anymore?” she asked.

This was a complaint I heard often from clients, colleagues, and friends. People my parents’ age shared stories about meeting at a church dance, in line at a movie theater, or at a park on a lunch break. But now those stories sound quaint.

“No, you’re not,” I said. “I once asked a client if he would approach a stranger in public. He said, ‘And risk being rejected or accused of being creepy? No way.’ Then he pointed to his phone and told me, ‘This is where I meet people now.’ ”

“At least it’s not just me.”

“Definitely not,” I said. “The apps are tough. We’re going to figure out a way for you to meet someone awesome in person.”

Whether you’re feeling stuck with the apps or you just want to expand your search and fish in an additional pond, here are my four favorite strategies for meeting people IRL (in real life).

1) Go to events.

Alicia told me that she often saw events advertised online or heard about them through friends, but she didn’t know which ones to choose. (Oh, hello there, paradox of choice!) Work ate up a lot of her free time, so it felt exhausting—and risky—to get dressed up and go out to an event that could easily end up being a dud. Analysis paralysis usually won out. “Why go to a potentially boring event when I could be bra off, yoga pants on, by five-thirty?” she said.

I knew events would offer Alicia the chance to find someone. My job was to help her pick the right ones. I pulled out my notebook and showed her a chart I’d designed called the Event Decision Matrix. It helps busy people strategically choose the best events. Every time you hear about a new event, you plot it on the matrix using these two dimensions:

  1. How likely is it that I’ll interact with other people at this event?
  2. How likely is it that I’ll enjoy myself at this event?

THE EVENT DECISION MATRIX

A strategy for meeting people IRL

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The vertical axis marks how likely the event is to have person-to-person interaction. In other words, will people attending this event have ample opportunities to meet and chat? If you hear about a silent activity with no interaction, like seeing a play, you plot this at the bottom. If you learn of one where you’re likely to have a conversation—maybe even an extended one—with the majority of people there, you plot it near the top.

The horizontal axis represents the likelihood that you’ll enjoy the event. Events that you’re confident you’ll love wind up all the way on the right. Events that you know you’ll hate go all the way on the left. Here’s why that matters: An event you’ll enjoy—something that energizes you—is likely to bring out the best side of you. You’ll be happier, more relaxed, and more yourself. That’s the perfect time to meet someone. In addition, if you go to an event you think you’ll enjoy, and you end up not meeting any potential love interests, you’re less likely to consider the event a waste of time. You still got to do something you liked, right?

Alicia and I sat down and pulled up a popular event website. (We used SF.Funcheap.com, but you can just Google “upcoming events near me.”) As we scrolled through upcoming events, we plotted them on the Event Decision Matrix.

A weight-lifting class? Alicia was more of a runner, so she didn’t think she’d enjoy it. Plus, grunting side by side isn’t a great way to spark a conversation. We placed that one in the bottom-left quadrant of the matrix—low likelihood she’d enjoy it, low likelihood of interaction.

Free bike-repair clinic? Probably a pretty chummy activity, but Alicia didn’t own a bike, so that one went in the upper-left corner—low likelihood she’d enjoy it, high likelihood of interaction.

A movie screening of Before Midnight? A Richard Linklater classic for sure, but watching a movie with a group doesn’t mean you connect with anyone; the only people talking are on-screen. That one goes in the bottom-right corner—high likelihood she’d enjoy it, low likelihood of interaction.

Eventually, we discovered a book club discussing Ta-Nehisi Coates, the award-winning journalist who writes about culture, politics, and social issues. Ding-ding-ding. Alicia was a huge fan of his work. And book clubs are all about interaction. She could easily extend the group conversation into a one-on-one chat if she met someone she liked. Put that in the upper-right quadrant. Finally! An event with potential.

But the Event Decision Matrix wasn’t enough on its own. Alicia needed to actually attend the events that fell in the upper-right quadrant. Here’s where I put my behavioral science tools to good use.

Research from psychology professor Gail Matthews shows that publicly committing to a goal makes people more likely to accomplish what they set out to do. So I asked Alicia, “Do you think you can attend two upper-right-quadrant events per month?” She promised to follow through, despite her busy work schedule.

THE EVENT DECISION MATRIX

A strategy for meeting people IRL

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I gave Alicia a deadline, since deadlines help people take action and avoid the natural tendency to procrastinate: “By this weekend, can you text me the two events you’ve chosen?”

Alicia started using her matrix right away. Within a month, she went from going on a few dates a year to meeting six potential partners in one night. The event where she met them? The Ta-Nehisi Coates book club.

Create your own: If you’re a busy person who wants to meet people IRL but struggles to decide which events to attend, start plotting your activities on the Event Decision Matrix. If an event falls in that upper-right corner, go to it! As you attend more and more of these, you’ll learn how to quickly recognize events that hit the sweet spot: fun for you and likely to result in quality interactions.

EXERCISE: Create Your Own Event Decision Matrix

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EXERCISE: Attend Events

Commit to attending just one event in the next thirty days.

I will attend the following event this month:

_________ _________ _________ _________

How to Find Interesting Events

Keep an eye on Facebook events in your area. Follow the Facebook pages of organizations you’re interested in, or sign up for their mailing lists. Look through Meetup.com for upcoming gatherings that correspond with your interests. Many of these are free. You know those friends who always seem to be attending cool events? Ask them to invite you next time, or find out where they discover activities. Look up talks at local universities. Google words like “art opening” or “film festival” along with the name of your city. Churches and synagogues have websites, too! Add the events you find to your matrix, and focus on that upper-right quadrant, especially if you have a busy schedule.

One client of mine met his girlfriend at a human rights protest. Another signed up for a season as a “free agent” on a volleyball team made up of strangers, just to meet new people. She ended up dating the middle blocker, and now they play volleyball together twice a week. My friend met her husband at a meet up for listeners of a podcast they both loved.

My friends Jane and Joey met playing Skee-Ball. Joey is a three-time national Skee-Ball champion, and Jane attended a Skee-Ball night at a local bar. Now they’re married with an adorable baby, and Jane is the Skee-E-O of their league.

I love hearing stories about people who meet while volunteering. It’s a great way to find people who are kind, which you now know is an underrated but supremely important quality in a partner.

How to Make the Most of Events

It’s not enough to just show up to an event. To meet people, you actually have to meet people.

Ideally, go alone. You’ll look more approachable, because it’s easier to go up to someone who’s alone than to wedge yourself into a group conversation. You may feel that familiar itch to reach for your phone. But seriously—keep it in your pants.

If you feel like you really can’t go alone, select the right kind of wingperson: someone who’s independent, caring, positive, and invested in your success. Invite someone who makes you feel comfortable and who knows you’re trying to meet new people. Don’t go with anyone who’d feel upset if you spent time talking to someone else.

And your mother really said it best: “You only get one chance to make a first impression.” Wear something that makes you feel confident. Don’t forget to flirt. Make eye contact with the people around you, smile, and then take your gaze elsewhere.

Start small and commit to meeting at least one new person per event. Introduce yourself. Say something to the people nearby about what’s happening around you. You could comment on a painting, the band, their earrings or shoes, anything! The point is to practice meeting new people, even if you’re not attracted to them. That way, when you meet someone you like, you’ll feel confident. (Get those reps in!) In the meantime, making a new friend expands your social circle and increases your chances of meeting a new love interest.

“But how do I know if the person I talk to is even single?” my clients always ask me. Well, you don’t! My friend Lucas has an in-your-face way of asking women if they’re seeing anyone: “Are you in love?” If the woman pauses and then says no, he realizes that she may be casually dating someone but also might be open to going out with him.

Or you can keep it casual and say something like “Hey, I’d love to keep talking about [insert thing you were discussing]; what’s the best way to connect?” Then the person can give you whatever contact info they’re comfortable sharing, be that their phone number, Instagram handle, or email address. People will usually have a hunch why you’re asking to follow up, and if they have a significant other, they’ll find a way to mention that. (If they’re taken or not interested, they may decline to give you their info at all.)

Ladies, don’t worry about making the first move. Most men are thrilled to be approached by a woman, and if they’re turned off by displays of boldness and confidence, they’re not right for you anyway.

And gentlemen, I know you’re worried about coming off as “creepy.” But talking to a stranger at an event is not inherently creepy. Creeps are the ones who go from being charming to, well, creepy—making casual sexual insinuations or sexist comments, or continuing to push a conversation when the other person gives signs they’re not interested, such as repeatedly looking over their shoulder or giving really brief answers. If you’re worried about navigating the line between “flirty” and “creepy,” stick with “friendly” and let the other person steer the conversation toward something more.

If the first-move thing is freaking you out, this trick works every time. Doesn’t matter whether you need a drink, or whether you have to go to the bathroom: Get in a line, any line. People in lines are inherently bored. Even a momentary distraction—like a conversation with you—is welcome. I tried this recently while boarding a flight from Atlanta to San Francisco. And let me tell you, my jokes about boarding group E killed.

2) Get set up by friends and family.

According to research from Stanford, the third most common way for people to meet each other, behind meeting online and at bars/restaurants, is through friends.

Many of my clients would love to be set up, but they’ve told me this rarely happens to them.

To find out why, I asked a group of both single and partnered people why they don’t set up their friends more. They had a range of answers. Some said it just doesn’t cross their mind; or they assume if their friends wanted help, they’d ask for it. Others said they respected their friends’ privacy and didn’t want to interfere. Some worried their friends would be insulted if they were set up with a person they felt wasn’t good enough for them.

But there’s hope! Despite their hesitations, everyone I spoke to said they wanted to help. Take advantage of this instinct. Your friends are great resources because they both know you well and know people you don’t.

Here are some ways you can get more people to set you up on dates:

PAY IT FORWARD. HOW TO SET UP OTHER PEOPLE:

  1. Scan your phone contacts or Facebook friends to remind yourself who’s single. What about that great girl you used to work with? She had such a positive attitude and loved trying new things. Didn’t she and her girlfriend break up recently?
  2. Once you’ve thought of a match, contact the person you think is pickier or the person you know better. “Hey! I think I might have a friend who would be a good romantic match for you. Here’s a picture of him. He’s really thoughtful, brilliant, and fun-loving. Would you be open to me setting you two up?” A couple things to watch out for: You don’t want to give too much information and overwhelm the person; nor should you provide too little information and risk triggering the Monet Effect. Just give enough so that your friend is intrigued.
  3. If the presumed-to-be-pickier person says yes, ask the other person if they’re interested, using a similar text.
  4. If the second person says no, let the first person know, gently. You can say something like: “Turns out he’s not looking to date right now. I think he just met someone.” Be compassionate. It’s a tough world out there.
  5. If both people say yes, connect them via group text or email. Keep it short. I try to say something fun or quirky. Sometimes I even suggest a date idea. Here are real messages I’ve sent: “Adam > Molly. Get back to me when you’ve come up with ten new ways to go down a slide.” “Craig, Tara. Tara, Craig. Hope you two can meet up soon. May I suggest a walk through Golden Gate Park where you try to pet at least five dogs?” They don’t need to follow this exact plan. My goal is to give them a silly way to connect.
  6. Give them space. Allow the couple to go out without micromanaging them. Encourage them to start talking off the group thread. Once they’ve gone out, you can ask for feedback in order to get a better sense of what they’re looking for, but again, be sensitive. It’s up to them how much to share.
  7. Host parties! My friend Georgina, who’s responsible for several long-term relationships and dozens more friend groups, hosts a monthly brunch called the Big Gay Brunch. She reduces the pressure of trying to be a perfect matchmaker by making it a friendly event. People come hoping to meet new people, whether it’s romantic or platonic. She doesn’t have to figure out who will like whom; she just puts her wonderful friends in the same place at the same time and lets them take it from there.

3) Connect with people you already know.

Sometimes your person is hiding in plain sight. This might be a friend, a friend of a friend, someone on your church committee or in your running club. All you have to do is see this person in a different light. That’s what happened to me! By the time Scott and I started dating, we’d been Facebook friends for eight years and real friends for one. I was able to see him with fresh eyes, thanks to the perspective I gained from working with a dating coach. (Yes, I’m proof that this stuff really works.)

All the time, people tell me how they fell for a colleague they’d known for many months or a friend they’d been hanging out with for years. One of my clients, whom I’d been working with for months, finally ended up settling down with a woman he’d known for years. He reached out to her for help preparing for a job interview, and the twenty-minute meeting stretched into a four-hour conversation, sprawling from their favorite sports teams to the recent death of his father. He realized that this woman he’d counted as a friend for so long could be much more to him.

Take a look at your friend group and see if there’s someone who’s single and with whom you share a lot of “friendistry”—a word I just made up that means “friend chemistry.” Is there someone whom you love spending time with, whom you trust, whom you might feel an inkling of attraction to? Come on, tell me. Who just popped in your mind?

Before you start blowing up their phone, understand that the stakes are high. You don’t want to make someone uncomfortable or negatively affect the dynamics of a friend group. The thought of making a move on a friend probably fills you with anxiety. That anxiety is telling you to proceed with caution.

If you go down this path, respect this person’s boundaries. I’m not encouraging you to get drunk with your friend and make a move. How about grabbing beers and saying something coy, like “Have you ever considered if we could be more than friends?” or “Crazy thought: I wonder what we’d be like as a married couple.” If they’re interested, they’ll follow you down this conversational path and tell you what you need to know. Or they may not see you that way. Regardless, it’s worth bringing up. If they’re not interested, what’s the worst that could happen? Make a joke and move on.

4) Introduce yourself to people when you’re out and about.

Imagine you’re commuting to work by yourself. As you get on the train, you have two options: Sit in a quiet car or one where people are encouraged to talk to each other. Quiet car all the way, right? Who wants to be trapped in a conversation with a stranger about their eleven foster cats or their missing toe?

Behavioral scientists Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder observed the same preference in their paper “Mistakenly Seeking Solitude.” When they asked a group of commuters whether they’d like to interact with a stranger on the train or sit alone without speaking to anyone, most people chose the silent option.

Then they ran an experiment to see which experience commuters actually enjoyed more. They randomly assigned commuters on a public transit train in Chicago to either talk to the person sitting next to them, “remain disconnected, or to commute as normal.” They found that those who engaged with the stranger had the most positive experience on the train, and those who sat alone with their thoughts had the least positive experience. They replicated the results in an experiment on Chicago buses.

Our instinct to avoid conversations with strangers is wrong. We only think we want solitude. We underestimate how much joy social connection can bring.

Open your eyes and look around. Say hi to a stranger! But don’t take this as blanket advice to harass strangers in public. Test the waters. When you approach someone, see if they are open to chatting by commenting on something around you or asking a question. If they’re not picking up what you’re putting down, leave them alone. (Please don’t get maced! That’s bad publicity for me.) But you’ll probably be surprised—in a good way—by what happens when you smile at a fellow traveler or start a conversation with someone who elbowed to the front of the same concert as you. The world is full of great potential matches, or people who know great potential matches.

Scott’s parents met on the subway in New York. His future mom was holding a book from her psychology PhD program. His future dad recognized the title and said, “Oh, you’re reading developmental psychology?” That comment kick-started a fulfilling marriage of thirty-five years and counting.

When I heard their “how we met” story, my initial thought was: This wouldn’t happen today, because they would’ve been wearing headphones. Let this be a reminder to leave your electronics in your pocket when you’re traveling through the world. Nothing screams, “Don’t talk to me!” more than a giant pair of over-the-ear headphones.

One of my clients met his girlfriend in an airport lounge. They were both traveling a ton for work. He pointed out they had the same unusual heavy-duty carry-on luggage. Soon they started meeting up at different airports across the United States for dates.

Dating apps are still good for meeting a lot of people. You might even really like a few of those people! But don’t underestimate the fun of meeting people IRL.

Alicia dated a guy from the Ta-Nehisi Coates book club for a few months. After she recovered from the breakup, she continued using the Event Decision Matrix to meet more potential matches. She’s currently dating someone she met at her ten-year college reunion, an event she says she would’ve skipped if it hadn’t landed in the upper-right quadrant of the matrix.