A good thing Theo had sneezed and buried his face in a napkin or he might have noticed the gunmen weren’t one hundred percent human. Damn those dumb city bears. Get them a little excited and out popped their grizzly side.
What were they thinking, busting into the place without checking for humans first? It was a wonder they hadn’t been outed.
Theo was still recovering from his sneezing fit. Without thinking twice, Melly reached out and knocked the glasses off his face. “Oops. Sorry about that.”
Not really, though. The less he could see, the better. She’d hate to have to explain to a human how bears ended up in a restaurant. Then there was the fact he seemed the type to call in health inspectors.
Her background search on him had pegged him as exactly what he seemed: a straight geek who’d graduated with honors, done a few months in the military, washed out, and ended up getting hired by the Internal Revenue Service.
No girlfriend. No wife. No living family. Not even a damned fish in a bowl. The man was a loner through and through.
And he fascinated her.
He looked utterly adorable, blinking those eyes, gazing around with a crease on his brow. “What’s happening?”
“No idea,” she lied and then didn’t have to say more, as Theo once more went off in a sneezing fit.
“Everyone, stop what you’re doing!” shouted the grizzly leading the sleuth of bears. “And listen up.”
She had chosen a fine night to take Theo out, having forgotten that, with the changing of the leaves, the annual football game was imminent. Bears versus lions. It was a rough-and-tumble match that ended in bruises, swearing, sweat, and dirt. Also barbecued ribs, chicken, a few roasted pigs over spits, the most corn ever seen cooked in one spot, and more pies than could be counted on fingers and toes. Mouthwatering—
“Would you stop it already? No one can hear me over your sneezing.” A hand—just barely keeping its human shape—went to slam the table.
Given Theo had his face buried in a napkin, dying of allergies, she snared the almost paw and tsked. “Now, now, Percy, no need to be rude.”
“Your boyfriend is ruining the moment,” grumbled Percy. “Do you know how long I’ve been practicing my speech?”
“A whole day?” she wagered.
Every year, the sleuth chose someone to head the challenge, and every year, that bear, rather than planning something truly epic, jumped to extend the challenge prematurely.
“Almost two,” Percy whined.
“Achoo.”
“What the hell is wrong with him?” Percy jerked his head at Theo.
“He’s allergic,” she explained since it wasn’t obvious to the big meathead.
“To what?” Percy asked.
“Cats for starters.” Although she was beginning to think he was more allergic to bears.
Her reply, of course, caused Percy to laugh. The kind of laugh that had him leaning on the table, almost wiping tears, dying of humor.
“Guess he’s not much of a boyfriend,” Percy said with a snicker.
The big dumb jerk. In normal circumstances, she’d have wiped that smirk off his face. Something in her expression must have shown her violent need, because Percy recoiled. She made a mental note to play around in his bank account later. Maybe shut off his gaming accounts.
Theo chose that moment to finally stop his fit and lifted his face from his napkin. He appeared flushed and annoyed. His fault. He should have taken the pill. Over the years, the shapeshifter community had developed some of the best allergy meds in the world. They didn’t have a choice, given even humans with no allergies often reacted strongly to their presence.
Theo’s myopic gaze narrowed in on Percy. How much could he see? The lenses in his glasses appeared thick. Was he nearsighted or far?
Whatever the case, his ears worked fine as he replied, “I am not her boyfriend.”
Not surprisingly, Percy laughed louder. “I should hope not. She’s a freaking man-eater. A real she-cat when it’s that time of the month, liable to tear you a new one if you cross her, eh.”
“Spoken by the big idiot standing within reach.” A soft threat with a promising smile.
Percy paled under his tan and took a nervous step back. “Just some friendly ribbing.”
“It’s unwelcome. You need to go. Now,” she added, in case it wasn’t clear.
“But I’m not done. I haven’t issued the challenge yet,” he whined.
“What challenge?” Theo asked.
Before Percy could answer, someone else yelled, “We are here to challenge you mangy fucking felines to a duel to the death. An epic feat of prowess and speed where only the toughest will survive. Blood will be shed. Tears, too, as you lose. Are you ready to have your asses handed to you?” As announcements went, it was meant to be inciting.
She knew it. Percy knew it. But the idiot yelling had yet to realize they had an unknowing human in their midst.
Melly snapped, “This is not the time to start trouble.”
But the youth, probably influenced by the adrenaline of a coming fight, couldn’t contain himself. “There is no better time to start trouble than now.” He then lifted his gun and fired.
There could have been a herd of humans with cameras inside. It wouldn’t have stopped the explosion of violence. The Pride had just been challenged. Only a coward wouldn’t reply.
More of the weapons went off in a cacophony of noise, splats, and yodels. Butter knives and forks went flying. Scraps of clothes, too.
Ah hell.
Before Theodore could think to squint for a peek, she yanked her human geek under the table, hiding him behind the hanging tablecloth.
“What is going on?” he exclaimed, his head turned to the noise. He could hear, just not see, and what he heard surely had to cause him some anxiety. Screams. Growls. Things breaking.
Yet he didn’t appear frightened. He crouched with her and stared intently at the tablecloth as if he could see through it. What plausible excuse could she have for the chaos?
“It’s a neighborhood gang. Probably planning to shake the restaurant down.”
“Seems more like Armageddon.”
“I’m sure it sounds worse than it is. Stay here while I go for a peek.” Melly went to crawl out from under the tablecloth but didn’t get far. A firm grip around her ankle made sure of it.
“Where are you going?” Theo asked as the bears kept firing and someone—most likely Luna—screamed, “I am going to tear your face off and shove it up your anus for ruining my dinner.”
She would. Almost ready to give birth, Luna got hangry when people interrupted her meal.
“It’s okay,” Melly soothed. “I’m going to check out what’s happening.”
His face took on a stubborn cast. “There’s people shooting off guns. If anyone goes out to scout things, it should be me.”
“Sexist much?” she asked.
“It has nothing to do with you being a woman but common courtesy. I did a few months in the military.”
“You mean like the cadets?”
“No,” was his terse reply. “I enlisted when I was eighteen.”
“You?” Forget the fight. This was more interesting.
“Yes me.”
“And washed out.”
His jaw gritted. “As a matter of fact, I quit when they told me I’d never be able to do anything other than a desk job because of my eyesight.”
“And then still got a desk job.” She couldn’t help but tease.
“Don’t remind me,” he muttered. “But the point is I have the training for these kinds of situations.”
She almost patted his cheek at his brave yet misplaced bravado. “You’re cute Poindexter, but you can’t see a thing. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. They wouldn’t dare shoot me.”
Except someone did. By accident, she should add. The moment she stood a missile hit her in the chest.
She glanced down at the dripping green paint. The bears dared attack with paintballs, and this after being told to never bring them inside again.
The bears weren’t the only ones with missiles. The lions might not have paintballs, but they had food, and it went whipping through the air: baked potatoes fully loaded that hit and splattered, bowls of salad, even a piece of steak. That was a travesty.
The remains of dinner was fired at the bears, including Percy, who ducked, meaning the leftovers hit her full in the face.
The guttural word she uttered might not have been entirely ladylike. Her threat even less. “I am going to murder the lot of you.”
Sure enough, the violent promise drew the attention of the man under the table. He went to crawl out, flipping the cloth back, about to stand. Even with his myopic gaze, he was bound to realize something was amiss.
She did the only thing she could.
She snared a nearby chair and clobbered him over the head, hard enough he fell, face down. He lay on the floor unmoving, and she bit her lip chagrinned. Had she hit him too hard? She didn’t see any blood. Kneeling by his side, she flipped him over and pressed her fingers to his neck to check his pulse.
Some smartass decided to really push her last button. “Look at Melly. So desperate to get some she’s got to knock her boyfriend out.”
The idiot who opened his mouth got it stuffed with a few napkins and had to suffer the embarrassing haircut she gave him using only a steak knife.
Once that happened, the melee more or less ended. It hadn’t lasted long, only the length of time needed for the dining room to become an utter dripping mess of paint and food. Lots of grinning faces, too.
Percy, the furry ass who started it all, had a shit-eating grin through the pasta sauce dripping from his beard. “That went better than expected. See you Sunday, eleven a.m. at the farm?”
“I say we start the party sooner. Shooters at The Claw!” shouted a lioness who liked to have a good time.
Usually Melly would have been leading the charge to the tavern up the street with its wide plank floors and paw-stomping music, but she had a responsibility to handle first.
Given Theo was a little heavier than expected, her friend Joan helped her carry him outside to her bike. It became quickly obvious that carrying him on it wouldn’t work. He kept flopping over, his body a loose noodle.
“Just stick him in a cab,” Joan suggested, an athletic woman in her early forties with a blonde bob, streaked with a bit of silver.
“We could use bungee cords to hold him on?” Luna—who had joined them outside, pregnant belly leading the way, eating a hunk of steak—suggested.
Melly actually considered it.
“Why not take his wheels?” Reba still looked immaculate, in spite of the fact Melly had seen her flinging food off her fork. Reba knelt in her heels and, in a moment, stood, Theo’s wallet in one hand, keys in the other. “According to his very handy ‘if lost, please return card,’ he doesn’t live too far.”
“I could drive him home I guess, but what about my bike?” Melly couldn’t exactly leave it at the restaurant.
“I’ll drive it.”
“No, me.”
“It’s my turn.”
There wasn’t a shortage of volunteers to make sure it got back to the condo. As a matter of fact, it was gone before she’d finished saying Luna’s name.
She pouted at the receding taillight. “How am I supposed to get home?”
Arik had banned Melly from using any kind of ride sharing services. Even taxis were a no-no because of a few incidents. If the driver didn’t want her to break his arm, he shouldn’t stop the car in dark places and think he could grope her. He was lucky she didn’t tear it off and beat him with it. She settled for having his licenses revoked and the parking enforcement, who had a sheaf of tickets in his name, given his location for an arrest.
“Please, as if you’re coming home before morning,” Joan stated.
The gang of lionesses in the alley with her outright laughed.
A good point.
“Want me to ride with you and give you a hand getting him to bed?” Joan offered.
“I’ll be okay. I can handle him.”
“I’ll bet you can.” Joan smirked. “He’s pretty for a human. I can see why you like him.”
Apparently, her friend had gotten the wrong impression. “It’s not like that. You know he works for the IRS and he’s digging into my taxes. I have to do something before he comes after us all.”
“Look at you, taking one for the team. Much appreciated.” Reba winked. “Have fun.”
Fun? With an unconscious man? Tempting, but that was another no-no. All sexual partners of the human variety must be conscious, unbound, and not fearing for their lives.
“I say you snuggle him until he wakes up, and when he does and starts freaking out, tell him he’s your husband and you’ve got like six kids.” Joan had an evil sense of humor.
“Let’s just find his car,” Melly muttered.
They supported him, one under each arm, toting him along as if he were drunk. By following his scent, they found his vehicle parked not far away, a sensible four-door sedan in a dark gray. The interior was immaculate.
Even Reba looked impressed. “Not even a drop of coffee in the holders.”
Not a speck of dust dared mar the dash, and the radio was on a respectable soft rock station. So boring. Poor Theo, he really needed to learn to let loose a little. He redefined the term uptight.
Rather than try and strap him upright to the passenger seat, they dumped him in the trunk. Joan tapped on the driver side window before Melly could pull out of the parking lot.
She rolled down the window. “What?”
Carla took on a serious mien. “This IRS fellow. You know what Arik will say.”
Arik, being the king, wouldn’t like it if there was even the slightest chance Theo had seen something.
“He wasn’t wearing his glasses.”
“Is he deaf or dumb?”
“No.”
“Then chances are he noticed something.”
“I’ll convince him he dreamt it. After all, head injuries can cause delusions.”
“And if he doesn’t believe it?”
Melly took a moment to reply. “I know what I have to do.”
Protect the pride at all cost.
It didn’t take long to drive Theo’s car to the address he’d programmed as home into his GPS. She parked the car on the street in front of a converted duplex. A quiet, rather boring façade on a boring street. He had a garage door opener clipped to the visor. A metal door ratcheted upwards.
The garage was ridiculous. Immaculate with recycling bins neatly lined. Tools neatly hung on a pegboard rather than lying the surface of the workbench. He had enough room to park a car, which showed how wrong the space was.
Real garages were an oily, messy disaster. She waited until the door closed then went to the rear of his car to pop the trunk. Time for him to wake up.
First, she heaved him out of the vehicle and hefted him to the only door in the space. She assumed it led inside. She leaned him against the doorjamb. “Wakey, wakey, my hot geek.”
The man remained slumped, and she was the only thing between him and the gravity that wanted to mess up his pretty face.
She snapped her fingers.
Nothing.
Gave him a little shake.
His breathing remained steady, and his head still lolled.
If this were a fairy tale, she’d have already kissed him, maybe more. But Arik had a stern talking with them just last month about boundaries and stuff. Apparently, kissing random men fell under sexual harassment. But the biggest uproar occurred when he announced there would be no more ass slapping or butt pinches in public.
More than one lioness grumbled and complained, asking why they should have to suffer. As Jenny had said on more than one occasion, a man in tight jeans needed to know how much he was appreciated. Whistling was for wolves. Snorting was for pigs. Lionesses had perfected the art of ass pinching and slaps.
Alas, the king had spoken. Meaning, she had to be nice to the human or risk Arik’s wrath.
She jiggled Theo and blew in his face. It proved to be enough to get him grimacing and stirring. His lashes fluttered open, and without his glasses, she noticed how thick they were.
“What’s happening?” he asked, blinking at her. “Where are we?”
“Inside your garage, silly. Don’t you remember me driving us home?”
His expression steadied. “No, I don’t. Last thing I remember…” He frowned. “Why do I recollect gunmen storming the restaurant?”
“Ah, yes the evening’s entertainment. You couldn’t contain yourself and fell over.”
“I did not. Someone hit me,” he grumbled, touching the back of his head. “What the hell happened?”
“Gang fight and you didn’t stay under the table like I told you to.”
“Feels like I got clobbered by a train.”
“Sweet talker.” She almost blushed at his compliment.
“You said the men with guns were a gang.”
“Did I?”
“Yes, and you knew them. One of them, at least. A guy named Percy, he came over to talk to you.”
How to admit an interspecies rivalry? She couldn’t, so she did the next best thing and lied her face off. “Fine, I guess I can’t hide it. Percy is my ex-boyfriend.”
“Does your ex-boyfriend show up often with friends toting guns?”
“What guns?” she asked in her most innocent voice.
He frowned. “I saw—”
“Don’t you mean you thought you saw? Silly Theo. People don’t take guns to restaurants, unless we’re talking about the muscly kind.” She squeezed his bicep.
He looked even more confused, and she felt the slightest bit of chagrin but not enough to tell him the truth. If Arik thought for one moment Theo might pose a threat to their secret…
Best not think about it.
Theo pushed away from the doorjamb, looking steadier by the moment. He patted his pockets, and she held up his keys, jangling them.
“Looking for these?”
His lips pressed into a tight line. He snatched the keys and slotted them in the lock. With a twist and a click, the door opened.
For a moment, she expected him to say good night. But her geek was constantly surprising her.
“Want to come in?”
“Why yes, I would.” She patted his cheek as she went by. “I thought you’d never ask.”