What a joy it is to have the opportunity to give our children the wealth of knowledge from a vault that never empties. Yet all the knowledge in the world is useless without the priceless crown from our next room.
Glass pedestals in varied shapes and sizes greet us as we enter. Atop each pedestal sits a crown—one from every royal head in the world. Hmmm … makes one feel rich just to look at them. How beautiful. They must be worth millions. Rubies, diamonds, sapphires, and emeralds—each crown seems more valuable than the next.
It would seem that all the wealth in the world is in this very room. But wait. Here in the back is a different sort of crown. It is encased in glass, as if to protect it. But isn’t that only done to the most valuable pieces? The crown is made of twisted vine with hundreds of thorns as long and sharp as needles.
Beneath the crown of thorns is an inscription: “By this we know love, that He laid down His life for us.”
Can there be a crown more precious than this? In terms of monetary value, it is priceless. It is a symbol of how much we are worth to God. It is a test of His love. He loved us enough to suffer and die so that we might live.
Love is a gift that can’t be bought, only given.
And He Gave His Life
I once saw a film in which a Japanese man, a Christian, was riding on a train. As the train neared the top of the hill, the car in which he was riding became disengaged from the other cars.
The man, young and strong, with a sweetheart waiting for him at home, ran to the back of the car to assess the problem. The car sped faster and faster down the hill. There were no brakes and seemingly there was no way to stop the runaway car filled with terrified people. Women and children cried in anguish. If the train couldn’t be stopped, they would all die.
The young man then realized there was only one way to stop the car. He jumped over the railing and threw himself on the track in front of the wheels. The train screeched to a halt as the wheels rammed into the young man’s body.
“Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13 RSV).
His love and life were freely given.
Do You Really Love Your Children?
Love is “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth,”[1] says M. Scott Peck.
Do you really love your kids? Most parents will give you a look of surprise and say, “Of course.”
It is easy enough to express love by simply saying the words out of habit or because we know we should. But love takes more than words. It is expressed in our actions—in how we feel about ourselves and others. Love takes a conscious effort and hard work.
Most of us have been duped into thinking that the warm, fuzzy sensation we get during a shared moment of intimacy is love. According to Peck, those are feelings and “… real love does not have its roots in feelings of love. On the contrary, real love often occurs in a context in which the feeling of love is lacking, when we act lovingly despite the fact that we don’t feel loving.”[2]
Emotions come and go, so real love must be based on something more tangible. Real love is based on a determined act of will.
It is easy enough to love an infant, who lies there in your arms and steals your heart away. For a while the babe is totally dependent on you. But what about later, maybe as the terrible twos come around, when the demands on your time and mind and body intensify, and your feelings of love are challenged—then what?
It is part of our natural maternal (parental) instinct to nurture. It takes work and courage (a giving up of ourselves or extending ourselves beyond the necessary) to turn our natural nurturing abilities into real love.
As our children grow, it becomes more difficult to love. Love consists of letting go and letting them grow independent from us. Out of fear we want to hang on—to protect them. Love is the courage to let go.
Love is being willing to take risks—saying no even at the risk of alienation, saying yes at the risk of hurt to yourself.
When I was a little girl in the postdepression days, there were times we had a shortage of food. Somehow I knew, though, that if there hadn’t been enough food, my mother would have fed us before she fed herself.
I’ve never had to sacrifice my life or food for the sake of my children. I’m thankful for that, yet I can’t help but wonder—would I step in front of my child to stop a bullet? Would I walk a hundred miles, like many African mothers, on an empty stomach, to find medical help and food for my child? Would I give my children the last morsel of bread?
I think I would. How about you? Most of our children are not in danger of starving physically, and most won’t need us to sacrifice our lives to save theirs. But there are many children in our country who are starving—for time, for someone to listen, for discipline, for love, for a mom.
My good friend Marie attributes some of her frequent illnesses to her starvation for love and compassion as a child. “My mom was a perfectionist. At times I felt she was more a military sergeant than a mom. As I grew older I realized something, though. Whenever any of us was ill, she would stop demanding perfection from us and become loving and compassionate. I remember being sick a great deal as a child so that I could experience that warm, loving side of her.”
How full of love are your children? Are you willing to give up part of yourself, your pleasure, your time for them?
Can you honestly say you love your child, no matter what he or she has done?
Jan, a mother of two, admitted that she couldn’t love her son. “He’s hurt me so much. He left home a few years ago without a word. He was gone for two years. I don’t trust him. I can’t … I just can’t love him.”
It isn’t easy to love someone who has hurt you. Yet that is what unconditional love is all about. The Bible tells us to love those who hate us. When I’m tempted to deny love, I remember Jesus. After suffering and being tortured by His countrymen, He hung dying on the cross and whispered, “Father, forgive them.” Then I think, no matter what anyone does to me, it won’t hurt enough to stop my love.
Love like that filters into me from God. Love is activated and made unconditional by God. No matter how we try to explain it, there is a mystery we can’t account for. I think it is because ultimately only God can instill in us what it takes to really love someone no matter what. For myself, it was through a conscious effort of loving God that I have been able to love myself and my children in an unconditional way.
An Attitude of Unconditional Love
There are several ways that can help you grow in an attitude of unconditional love.
I Yam What I Yam
There is a part of loving someone else that calls for us to accept our own and our children’s unique and individual differences.
Remember the cartoon character Popeye? One of his most famous sayings was, “I yam what I yam.” Popeye was unique. He was created by a cartoonist, and there is no other character like him.
No one has ever tried to change Popeye, because he is who he is. Yet many of us parents try to change our children. One of the most difficult things for some parents to accept is that we are all different. In fact, there can be extreme differences among family members.
In order to accept your child, it’s important that you accept yourself. Accept yourself as a beautiful and unique person created by a loving Father, God. As you accept yourself, grow to accept your child—not as an extension of yourself, or a miniature you, but as a complete, separate person with unique talents and interests.
Each of us was created with a separate set of genes. And though most of our kids, even in grade school, opt for wearing the same kind of jeans, they really are different. A wise mother realizes that she hasn’t necessarily failed as a mother when:
While Mom doesn’t and probably shouldn’t accept Jenny’s undisciplined behavior in leaving the laundry, she will want to be careful not to crush Jenny’s special talents and unique character. Just because Jenny likes different things doesn’t mean she’s wrong. Acceptance defuses the drive to control.
Acceptance is harder when you are faced with children who make serious mistakes in life or who opt for different lifestyles, especially if those lifestyles openly defy your beliefs and morals.
As parents we can’t and shouldn’t accept wrongdoing. We have a responsibility to point out to our children what they’ve done or are doing wrong. We can hate what they’ve done but still love and accept them.
Acceptance is following Jesus’ example. “While we were yet sinners Christ died for us.” In our sinful state He loved and accepted us.
I have a method for accepting my kids that you might want to adopt. My children and I are all God’s kids. When I am somewhat imperfect, I look to my Father, God, for forgiveness. Jesus covers for me so God only sees me as perfect. He sees me for what I can become as well as what I am. It’s as though He puts on a special pair of glasses with Jesus as the lens.
It might help if, whenever we see our kids in situations we can’t accept, we put on our Jesus glasses so we can see them as God does. By accepting our children, we move closer to our goal of unconditional love.
Shaping Up Your Attitude
How do you feel about your children? What is your heart attitude about rearing your kids? Do you look forward to being with them each day or do you find any possible excuse to get out of the house?
Years ago, when my children were six and eight, I decided to go back to school. I entered a nursing program and barely found time to eat and sleep. Studying took up most of my free time, and I began to see my family as an intrusion in my life.
I can’t explain how it happened. I felt a perpetual guilt. Something was wrong, but I didn’t stop to think it through. There simply wasn’t time. I would frantically run home after classes or a clinical workday at the hospital, throw dinner together, and practically inhale it. Then I would give the kids their baths and hustle them off to bed.
I should have let them stay up, but what could I do? As long as they were still up, I couldn’t study. Once they’d gone to bed, I stuffed my guilt into the recesses of my gray matter and hit the books until midnight. Morning dawned and I’d be up by six or before to get a start on the day.
Their constant nagging irritated and annoyed me. If someone had asked me the question “If you could live your life over again, would you have children?” I might have said no. Let’s face it, I had developed a lousy attitude.
One night as I anxiously submitted to the goodnight ritual of a prayer and a kiss, I glanced up at my two fresh-scrubbed babies. The shock waves lashed through me like a million lightning bolts. I felt as though I’d been in a time warp during those first few months of school and had been dumped out on the other side of childhood. My children were growing up. What had I missed? David was at least an inch taller. When was the last time we marked his height on the giraffe chart on his door? Caryl’s front teeth were missing. Had the tooth fairy remembered to slip a reward under her pillow?
The guilt I’d been feeling was real. I gathered them into my arms, and through snuffles and tears, managed to tell them I was sorry.
Fortunately, the resentment I felt toward my family for being needy and keeping me from achieving my appointed goal subsided. I continued my studies and eventually got my degree, but I didn’t want college so much that I’d risk hurting or losing my family. I only prayed I hadn’t hurt my kids too badly by my brief encounter with neglect.
If I had it to do again, would I have children? Yes, if my attitude was such that I could enthusiastically accept the challenge and responsibility of parenting. Yes! Yes, regardless, because I couldn’t imagine a world without David and Caryl.
Besides, I’ve learned the importance of having an attitude of love and of putting my children’s needs before my own. Children should never ache inside for lack of love. They should never have empty arms with no one to fill them.
Have You Hugged Your Child Today?
Part of loving a child is showing that child how much you care by the use of outward affection.
“I need hugs and kisses from my mom,” writes Dwight, age ten.
A sixteen-year-old girl said, “I don’t think parents should stop hugging and kissing their kids just because they get a little older.” Granted, many adolescents develop an allergy to hugs and kisses. Get near them with either and they’re apt to break out in hives or disappear.
In my book Have You Hugged Your Teenager Today? I stressed the importance of showing love with hugs for kids of all ages—even when they insist you cool it. It isn’t always feasible to wrestle a kid to the floor in order to execute your hug, as I have been known to do. Sometimes a back rub, a hand on the shoulder, a touch, or even just a smile, will be enough of a hug to say “I love you.”
I persisted with showing my love in a physical way and it worked. Now my kids hug me. And guess what? I think they like it.
Forgiveness—a Crown of Glory
Perhaps the most important aspect of gaining unconditional love is being able to forgive and forget.
The LORD says, “Do not cling to events of the past or dwell on what happened long ago. Watch for the new thing I am going to do. It is happening already—you can see it now! I will make a road through the wilderness and give you streams of water there.”
Isaiah 43:18–19 TEV
Within a family unit, we can expect a lot of hurts. At times we may see an unceasing parade of harsh words and actions. Unforgiveness harbors resentments and the opening and reopening of old wounds. The wounds fester and cause a decaying that can eventually rot away the foundation of the family.
The only way healing can take place is through forgiveness.
We seem to be built with an inner voice that counsels us to forgive and forget. Sometimes we rush in to say we’re sorry and express platitudes to make certain we’ve done the “right” thing. In teaching our children, we may rush in to right the wrong by insisting on an immediate apology.
Six-year-old Tommy rushes into the house screaming. “Mom! Casey hit me!”
“I did not, you big baby!” Casey yells. “Mom, he tore down my Lego house.”
“I did not, I tripped.”
“That’s not true, Mom. He kicked it.”
“I did not!”
“Did too!”
Mother resists the urge to knock their heads together and calmly pulls the boys apart. “Stop your arguing. Tommy, tell Casey you’re sorry for knocking over his house, and Casey, apologize to Tommy for hitting him. Come on now, boys, shake hands and make up.”
The boys will probably give in to Mom’s demand. They will squelch their anger—for now—and pretend it’s over. But is it really forgiveness? Will the unresolved conflict simmer below the surface, only to rise full force in another storm?
Forgiveness happens when the past is turned loose and relationships are resolved and restored. Forgiveness frees us to love, live, and trust again.
Perhaps it would be better for Mom to separate Tommy and Casey until the anger passes, then let them talk out their misunderstanding and help them come to a resolution.
Forgiveness is never easy, and it can take a long time for the pain and guilt to go away. But I think we must make the effort—to take the first step toward forgiving—even if we fall along the way.
David Augsburger, in his book Caring Enough to Forgive, says:
We must not refuse to move toward another in seeking mutual repentance and renewed trust.
Yet we cannot despair of forgiveness and lose hope that reconciliation is possible.
So let us forgive as gently and genuinely as is possible in any situation of conflict between us.
So let us forgive as fully and as completely as we are able in the circumstances of our misunderstandings.
So let us reach out for reconciliation as openly and authentically as possible for the levels of maturity we have each achieved.
So let us forgive freely, fully, at times even foolishly, but with all the integrity that is within us.[3]
Let’s look again at the crown of thorns displayed in this room of priceless treasure. It is a symbol of unconditional love, of giving, and it is also the symbol of forgiveness. It was for our sake—that we could be forgiven—that Christ wore the crown and died.
In forgiveness, we teach our children by our actions. It is never a sign of weakness to admit when you’re wrong or to forgive someone who has hurt you, even when that someone is your child.
Kids need a mom who knows the essence of forgiveness and who instills that quality in her children. In order for a family to even have a chance at unity, forgiveness must play an intricate part in their way of life.
With acceptance, an improved attitude, hugs and kisses, and forgiveness, you should be well on your way to displaying that unconditional love we talked about at the beginning of this chapter.
“A mom,” my daughter once told me, “is someone who has to love you no matter what you do.”
Do you?
As we make our way down the hall, let’s not close love’s door. Leave it open so love can filter through the whole house.