True self-esteem is not the same thing as improving your self-image. Self-image results from what other people think of you. The true self lies beyond images. It can be found at a level of existence that is independent of the good and bad opinions of others. It is fearless. It has infinite worth. When you shift your identity from your self-image to your true self, you will find happiness that no one can take away from you.
Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly.
—St. Francis de Sales
Happiness is natural to life because it is part of the self. When you know yourself, you access happiness at its source. But most people confuse themselves with their self-image. Our self-image is created when we identify with external things. These can be people, events, and situations as well as physical objects. People seek money, for instance, in the belief that the more they have, the happier they’ll be. Even though we’ve all heard that money can’t buy happiness, the pursuit of money hasn’t ended, because we identify so strongly with how much money we earn, how good our job is, and what kinds of things we own. Money, status, possessions, and the opinions of others have a powerful influence on who we think we are.
One side of the coin is that we crave approval because it bolsters our self-image. The other side is that we fear disapproval because it diminishes our self-image. All of this is known as object-referral, which means that you identify with objects outside yourself. The opposite of object-referral is self-referral, which means you identify with your true being, entirely an inner experience. True being has five qualities, none of which is created by external things, events, or other people.
Your true being is connected to all that exists.
It has no limitations.
It has infinite creativity.
It is fearless, and willing to step into the unknown.
Intention from the level of being is powerful and can orchestrate synchronicity (a perfect meshing of outside circumstances to bring about your intention).
Shifting your sense of identity to your true being frees you to create a life of abundance, joy, and fulfillment. Being tied to external things leaves you stranded on a superficial level of existence. You don’t have to live there. At a deeper level of existence you can manifest your deepest desires. Once you allow it to, your true being can create the situations, circumstances, and relationships in your life.
When you aren’t manifesting your deepest desires, the root cause is that you have mistaken who you really are. Object-referral pulls us out of true identity into false identity. In India this state is known as avidya, or absence of true knowledge. An ancient saying compares avidya to a millionaire walking the streets like a beggar because he’s forgotten he has untold wealth in the bank.
When you don’t remember who you really are, you have no choice but to fall back upon your ego. Object-referral creates an ego identity from all the events and circumstances of your past, starting the day you were born. If you look closely, the ego is actually quite insecure. It is addicted to approval, control, security, and power. There’s nothing wrong with any of these things. The problem is becoming addicted to them to the point that without approval, control, security, and power, you feel lost and afraid. As with any addiction, at first there’s a sense of pleasure when the ego is in charge: “I’m in control; others give in to what I want.” “I’m secure because no one challenges me.” “I’m powerful because others feel inferior in my presence.” The ego tries to construct all these situations, and it can achieve them, at least partially. Yet very soon the pleasure goes away, eroded by gnawing doubt and fear. Those we control and have power over might turn the tables, and then look what happens.
If you want to know how strongly you identify with your ego as opposed to your true being, there’s no mystery about it. The ego has the opposite qualities from the five we described before.
The ego feels isolated and alone. Therefore it needs outside validation in order to belong and have worth.
The ego feels limited and bounded. Without power and control over others, it fears that its helplessness will be exposed.
The ego prefers routine and habit over creativity. It finds security in making today the same as the day before.
The ego fears the unknown more than anything else. This is because it sees the unknown as a place of darkness and emptiness.
The ego struggles to get what it wants. It assumes that without struggle, its needs would never be fulfilled; this reflects a deep sense of inner lack.
As you can see, the central theme of the ego is insecurity. Living your life from the ego puts you at the mercy of every stranger on the street. A moment of flattery creates happiness; a sarcastic comment, and you are wounded. So how do we shift to our true being? Many people try to make such a shift by fighting against the ego, but this is a trap. This is the ultimate melodrama of the ego, to constantly struggle and never reach real fulfillment, peace, and happiness. In any case, the ego will resist the shift you want to make, because it senses its own destruction in your search to find your true being.
This fear is totally unfounded. True being achieves everything the ego wants—peace, fulfillment, joy, a sense of complete security—because all of those qualities reside in being. You don’t have to struggle to find them. So the real problem is that the path your ego has set you on was the wrong path to begin with. The ego becomes depressed when it can’t get what it wants; it feels like a failure. What it fails to realize is that you don’t fail when what you wanted was unattainable to begin with.
The ego was never on the right path. Object-referral will never lead to security and safety, fulfillment and satisfaction. So the real question is how to coax the ego out of its misguided ways while at the same time ending this lifelong habit of identifying with external objects.
First, notice what you are doing. Remember, awareness is the key to change. Almost everyone goes around trying to earn the approval of others, repeating a pattern that goes back to infancy, when we felt we had to earn our parents’ love. Without it, we would feel totally lost; we even thought we’d die—and we might have. But now we are adults. Notice how easily you are still wounded by small slights, how deeply unhappy you still feel when someone you love doesn’t pay enough attention to you or seems to move away. Become aware of these habitual feelings. The memory of being wounded in the past makes you place undue importance on what a stranger thinks of you. A child’s emotional neediness makes it hard to accept that someone you love may simply need some space now and then.
Once you open the door to awareness, don’t fight against the fear and insecurity you have released. Awareness has healing power if you simply look and allow. A painful slight comes your way; you feel wounded. Be with that feeling and it will dissipate. Your ego wants you to remember the past out of a mistaken belief that you must keep defending yourself over and over. Remembering what hurt us before, we direct our energies toward making certain that an old hurt will not repeat itself. But trying to impose the past on the present will never wipe out the threat of being hurt.
To correct this mistake, just ask yourself, “Do I recognize this feeling of being wounded? Is it old or new?” If you are being honest, you will immediately see that it’s a very old feeling. The past is reaching out to grab you. Now ask the next question: “How much good has it ever done me to remember my old hurts?” Again, if you are honest, you will see that it has done you no good whatever. If recalling old hurts prevented you from being hurt here and now, you wouldn’t feel so bad. You wouldn’t be so vulnerable to external disapproval. If your ego was on the right path, it wouldn’t have this toxic storehouse of old pain.
Using simple awareness you can defuse old hurts by no longer clinging to the belief that they are doing you some good. The ego has many subtle ways of persuading you that you must repeat today all the tactics that didn’t work yesterday. Instead of playing its game, just witness what is going on. You will find it challenging to see through the whole game, because it has its positive side. Your past also contains moments of joy, success, love, and fulfillment. Dredging up those positive experiences, the ego whispers, “See? You’re on the right track. I will bring you more of the same. Trust me.”
By bringing up insecurity from the past but mixing it with memories of fulfillment, the ego convinces you of an illusion: that one day your self-image will be ideal. You will look in the mirror and see only the good things that created your self-image and none of the bad. Ironically, by pursuing an ideal, you wind up losing your true self, which is ideal to begin with.
Instead of trying to live up to your ideal self-image, surrender to the simplicity and innocence of being. Once you know who you really are, being is enough. There is no need for struggle. Your true self is the self of the universe. What more can you want? When you have creativity, feel fearless, can step into the unknown, and have the power of intention, everything has been given to you.
Awareness requires practice and patience. It takes time for the fruit to ripen before it falls. But as the process deepens, you will notice more ease, lightheartedness, joy, and synchronicity in your life. These are signs that you are connected to your true being.
Remember, the ego has been shaping your sense of self for many years. It has become second nature. Even after people accept the vision of a true self, they go around fighting against their bad habits, adopting regimens and disciplines that are supposed to bring self-actualization. But consider what it means to be self-actualized. A self-actualized person is somebody who needs no approval and is free of both criticism and flattery, someone who feels neither superior to anyone nor inferior to anyone, someone who experiences what it’s like to act fearlessly because they are detached from the influence of situations, circumstances, events, and relationships. We can’t build those qualities from the materials the ego supplies. Everything your true self stands for is independent of the image the ego has so carefully assembled to feel good about itself.
It helps to keep in mind what is real and what is illusory:
Abundance is real. Lack is an illusion.
Being good is real. Trying to be good is an illusion.
Surrender is real. Holding on is an illusion.
This moment is real. The past is an illusion.
You are real. Who you think you are is an illusion.
Self-referral allows you to see—and to accept—reality. By turning outside yourself, you are only reinforcing unreality. And unreality, unfortunately, is what our culture is selling. Whenever you find yourself trying to impress somebody else, stop for a moment. Consider what’s going on. Ask yourself, “Why does this person care if I am better or worse than he is? Because we are both buying into the same external references. He needs me as much as I need him.” Notice how much effort you are spending to impress people who will then turn around and try to impress someone else. The cycle never ends, because it’s based on mutual insecurity.
When you make the shift to self-referral, however, this self-defeating behavior ends. You alone are the judge of your worth, and your goal is to discover infinite worth in yourself, no matter what anyone else thinks. There is great freedom in this realization. I remember reading about a great Russian pianist whose talent awed everyone, even his rivals. He had learned almost every piece of classical music and had total recall. His technique was superhuman. Fiendishly difficult passages were child’s play to him. Yet when he came to visit friends, he made no demands for respect and admiration. He never drew attention to himself. When it was time to go to bed, he was satisfied to curl up in a blanket underneath the piano in the living room.
You can imagine how his friends regarded him. They had even more awe and respect for the great man than if he had demanded it, or thought he deserved it. In innocence and simplicity there is natural greatness. You can’t create this quality. Your being radiates it, and only by discovering your being can you radiate the beauty and truth that are natural to life.
TO ACTIVATE THE Second Key
IN EVERYDAY LIFE, I PROMISE MYSELF
TO DO THE FOLLOWING:
1. I will observe myself in difficult situations without judgment. I will simply witness myself until I no longer feel pressured and distressed. Because the ego is a very constricted version of my true self, it creates a sensation of tightness and contraction in the body. This is usually felt in the chest, heart, stomach, solar plexus, shoulders, neck, or back. Whenever my ego self is trying to dominate a situation, I will feel discomfort in one of these places. At such a moment, it is enough to be aware that my ego is creating the sensation. By observing what the ego is doing, I can separate from a false sense of self.
2. I will question my motivation in the choices I make. The ego’s motivation is always rooted in its addiction to power, control, security, and approval. The true self is always motivated by love. Today I will begin to shift to my true self by being aware of my motivations and noticing how much is love and how much is ego.
3. I will recapitulate my day when I go to bed at night, observing every event of the day as a neutral observer. I will do this for five minutes, letting the whole day unspool like a movie in my mind. As I watch I will ask to become aware of where I was acting out of ego and where I was acting from my true self.
