76
When others take delight
In giving praise to those endowed with talents,
Why, O mind, do you not find
A joy likewise in praising them?
With this verse, Shantideva begins to explore another form of yi midewe ze, the disturbance we feel when our adversaries, rivals, or those we simply do not like get what they want. In this section, he takes a look at the emotion of jealousy.
The language of Buddhism classifies the primary disturbing emotions as the “five poisons,” or kleshas, a word that comes from Sanskrit. These are attachment, aggression, pride, jealousy, and timuk. This last word is often translated from Tibetan as “ignorance” or “stupidity,” but the literal meaning is “deep mental fog.” This fog is the root of our suffering and the starting point of the misunderstanding already referred to—that we have a singular, unchanging, autonomous self.
Timuk prevents us from seeing through the delusion that propels us to cling to this self. Then, because we habitually believe in and cling to this projection of an intrinsic self, we feel compelled to cherish and protect it at all times. In this way, timuk is the source of the other four poisons. Our foggy confusion around this sense of self is what leads to all our painful states of mind and emotions; from those come all our actions that harm us and others, keeping us bound within samsara. This is the basic formula that describes the deluded mind of beings in samsara.
Attachment comes from cherishing this sense of self: we become attached to objects—people, things, conditions—that we think will make the self happy, and we work hard to pull these things closer. We become aggressive to protect this sense of self when we sense it is threatened or when anything hinders our attachments being met. We work hard to push these people, things, and conditions away. The pain of attachment and aggression is basically the pain of not getting what we want and the pain of getting what we don’t want. Pride or arrogance is an extension of attachment because it is a more developed form of self-cherishing. Similarly, jealousy is an extension of aggression. We are protecting ourselves against the feeling that others are doing as well as or better than we are. We wish that were not the case.
See if you can identify this almost visceral pull and push with things. Notice when you try to pull in things that you think support your sense of self and push away things that threaten you. Start with small things to see if you can identify these tendencies. Then further challenge yourself to notice what’s happening when you are upset about something. Take a pause in the storylines and reflect. Ask yourself if you are trying to cherish or protect your sense of self. Is that urge mixed in with all your thoughts and feelings?
If you can simply notice and identify which tendency has been activated, without any judgment of yourself, you may find a great sense of relief. Just seeing it—and being able to take a breath and let go of it—will soothe your mind. You will likely find yourself with a clearer head, able to sort out how best to remedy the situation at hand. Any time you are engaged in neurotic self-protection, you have a chance to apply patience, which can open up a treasure trove of wisdom inside you.
In this light, Shantideva now begins to discuss patience as an antidote to jealousy. Why do people praise each other? Generally praise is an expression of inspiration, connection, and joy. We see an action or a quality that we appreciate, and we show our appreciation to the person who performs that action or possesses that quality through some form of praise. It gives us a feeling of pleasure to acknowledge another person who touches us in this way. So Shantideva is asking here, when you see that happening with others, why not join in with their pleasure? Why not enjoy the positive emotion of the one who is praising? If you have trouble joining in fully because you don’t believe in the praise, that’s all right. But in that case, you can at least not get irritated.
If you do get irritated, you should know that under the surface there is something extra happening inside you. There is no good reason to be offended because the praise is not directed at you. The person giving praise is not trying to insult or provoke you. It may feel that way, but some self-reflection will show you this is not the case. If you penetrate your deep mental fog, you will most likely discover that your ego is feeling a bit threatened because you are feeling ignored.
When we are jealous, we don’t have the heart to bear any glory or appreciation unless it is related to us. If the world showers acknowledgment on someone else, instead of joining in with the world, we make it a personal issue. We think the recipient of praise doesn’t deserve it. Why? If you look, you will be hard-pressed to find a rational reason. It is usually because your ego feels left out. So you turn the acknowledgment of another into a personal offence. This can happen on a very subtle level.
When you catch yourself having this attitude, it is a great opportunity to turn inward and look at the state of your heart. If you look openly, you will discover that your heart has become quite small. Unless you remedy this painful state of affairs, you will start to lose your self-respect and the respect of others, especially if you speak or act from this place of pettiness.
Self-recognition doesn’t have to come with critical self-judgment. You can have some humor about the fascinating workings of your mind. How ironic that you want others to be happy for you, but you’re so unwilling to be happy for anyone else. It is very freeing to be able to admit this is where you are caught at the moment. Then you can have a good chuckle and naturally come to agree that it’s really in your best interest to open your heart and join in with acknowledging others. Or if that’s not possible at the moment, why not at least let the praisers and the praised have their enjoyment without taking it so personally?
77
The pleasure that is gained therefrom
Itself gives rise to blameless happiness.
It’s urged on us by all the holy ones,
And is the perfect way of winning others.
If we seek happiness through external, conventional means, our efforts generally involve difficult labor on many levels and bondage to our attachments. We have to drive ourselves forward with great determination to overcome all the obstacles that keep coming up. For example, if we seek happiness by making a lot of money or coming to a position of power and influence, that will most likely involve taking part in some sort of negative behavior, such as cunning and deceit. Then, in the end, it’s not at all certain we will attain our object of desire or achieve our goal. Even if we do, we quickly find another desire and then another. It’s like drinking salty water—the more we get, the more we want.
Then there is another problem. Before we got what we wanted, we could at least enjoy our passion—our daydreaming about how we would get it and how wonderful it would be to have it. But once we do have it, we often find it’s not what we hoped it would be. The object of our desire may well become an object of disappointment, anxiety, or even disgust. This is one of the many sad, repetitive stories of samsara.
This is why the Buddha said that sympathetic joy—the vicarious happiness of rejoicing for others—is the supreme joy. It is the cleanest form of joy because it is unrelated to the eight worldly concerns, which all have the sense of self at the center. It is free from attachment, aversion, and all other states of mind and emotions that disturb us. Sympathetic joy also takes little effort. At this very moment, we can think of any number of people who are experiencing good fortune, fulfillment, or pleasure, whether in their worldly lives, on the spiritual path, or both. The only effort we need to make is in remembering that they are exactly like us in desiring happiness and enjoying whatever good circumstances arise in their lives.
In the case of praise, there are four ways we can find sympathetic joy. Focusing on the praiser, we can rejoice in their ability to recognize qualities to appreciate. We can also rejoice in their pleasure in praising. Focusing on the recipient, we can rejoice in their qualities and in their pleasure in receiving praise and recognition. So even if we’re not directly involved, we can derive a great deal of happiness from just one act of praise by thinking this way. The only obstacle is the ego and its tendency to cry out for attention when it thinks it is being ignored. But when we’re aware of this tendency and see through the ego’s demands, it loses its power to rule us and undermine our better qualities. Self-centered mind can only cause us harm when it is left unexamined and allowed to dictate according to its whims.
Shantideva’s other point in this verse is that rejoicing is the best way of winning people over. People try so hard to make an impression on the world and on others. For example, you may build a magnificent house that has more space and more amazing features than anyone could ever need. Since you are mainly doing it to impress others, you will feel disappointed if nobody praises your house or gives you their approval. If you bring friends over and they are critical or indifferent, you will feel disappointed, hurt, and rejected. You may expect them to be delighted by your spectacular kitchen with its marble slab central island and massive enamel stove, but all they do is point out that the lighting is too harsh. This is probably the result of jealousy or competitiveness inside them. But if someone comes along who is very impressed—and not just impressed, but genuinely happy for you—then you feel and appreciate their support. You feel a sense of fulfillment and solidarity with that person. You will naturally feel drawn to them. Think about this example seriously.
Sympathetic joy doesn’t come to us automatically. Because of our attachment to the self, jealousy usually comes more naturally. But we can cultivate our ability to rejoice through practice. This begins with reflecting on the pitfalls of jealousy, which is such a pointless, ineffectual suffering. Jealousy is self-inflicted torture without any positive aspect. It doesn’t even bring any of the acknowledgment the ego craves. On the contrary, it makes us feel inside that we are even less worthy of praise or appreciation. Nor does it bridge the gap between us and those of whom we are jealous—people who have good fortune because of their past good deeds. In fact, it only depletes our merit, perpetuates our feeling that we are lacking something, and makes us increasingly miserable the more we indulge in it.
If we reflect on the hazards of jealousy, we will be motivated to be vigilant about its occurrence in our mind. When jealousy does arise, we will feel inspired to reflect on how we are getting caught in the ego’s self-centered demands. Then we will be able to see the irony and generate the positive emotion of sympathetic joy, rejoicing in the fortune and goodness of others.
In this way, we can change many of our relationships for the better. For example, if someone doesn’t like you, and instead of resenting them, you contemplate and rejoice in their good qualities objectively, this change in your own attitude may well soften their mind. Then they may come around to you as a friend. If you were the black sheep of your family, and then you cultivate genuine sympathetic joy for your family members, you may become the white sheep. Or if you were the oddball among your circle of friends, in time you may become the most sought-out member of your group. Sympathetic joy will make you more trusted and sought out in any community. Its natural effect is to make people feel close to you. This is especially important for bodhisattvas, who magnetize people not in order to feel more popular, but so they may benefit others with the dharma.
78
“But they’re the ones who’ll have the happiness,” you say.
If this then is a joy you would resent,
Abandon paying wages and returning favors.
You will be the loser—both in this life and the next!
Resenting others’ happiness is an unhealthy mind-set that brings us much suffering, both in the present and as a result of the negative karma it creates. It eats away at our decency and ruins our relationships. Objectively speaking, this attitude is as unreasonable as refusing to pay, or even appreciate, someone who works hard for you because it bothers you too much to see someone else happy. Anyone can realize that such an attitude is absurd. Of course, we almost always feel joy when we reward someone who has worked hard for us. Their joy becomes our joy. In the same way, the happiness of someone being praised can also become our own happiness. In the case of vicarious happiness, we don’t even have to spend any money.
This reasoning may strike us as simple-minded or ordinary, but we should honestly reflect on how much we suffer from jealousy and competitiveness. Then we should consider what it would be like to be free of that nagging, petty mind. Contemplating Shantideva’s wisdom and applying it creatively to our lives will make such freedom a genuine possibility.
79
When praise is heaped upon your qualities,
You’re keen that others should be pleased thereby.
But when the compliment is paid to others,
You feel no inclination to rejoice as well.
When someone praises you—even if it’s your sworn enemy—you feel good. You are always happy to be praised and perhaps even more so if the praise comes from your enemy. You think, Wow, I must be really good! This is not my mother praising me, it’s my sworn enemy! The irony here is that your enemy is also experiencing joy—probably even greater joy than you are—because appreciating others’ qualities is a joyful experience. In this case, you are happy about your enemy’s joy.
This logic exposes how twisted our minds can be. We are happy when our adversaries recognize our qualities but deny that very joy to ourselves. This is as nonsensical as watching with approval as your adversary enjoys a plate of delicious food but then rejecting that same food when it’s offered to you. Why would you deprive yourself of the chance to enjoy good food?
When you are happy on someone else’s behalf, that happiness belongs to you. The only reason we would deny ourselves that happiness is our enslavement to our self-importance. But when we see through our ego’s faulty perspective, we can learn to derive joy from anyone’s qualities, achievements, or successes, even those of people who have hurt us.
When we become proficient in the practice of sympathetic joy, facing and overcoming our jealousy becomes an immense delight. The contrast and transition between the two emotions makes the bliss of the sympathetic joy even more vivid. It is similar to recovering from the flu. When we feel well, we don’t usually notice the naturally abiding bliss of a healthy body. But when we’ve had the flu for a week and then start to feel better, the natural bliss in our body comes out vividly. Even before we’ve fully recovered, we enjoy the deep delight of the contrast between sickness and health.
80
You who want the happiness of beings
Have wished to be enlightened for their sake.
So why should others irk you when
They find some pleasure for themselves?
81
And if you claim to wish that beings
Be enlightened, honored by the triple world,
When petty marks of favor come their way,
Why are you so discomforted?
82
When dependents who rely on you,
To whom you are obliged to give support,
Find for themselves the means of livelihood,
Will you not be happy, will you once again be angry?
83
If even this you do not want for beings,
How could you want Buddhahood for them?
And how can anyone have bodhicitta
Who is angry when another prospers?
The mission of the bodhisattva is to lead every sentient being—without exception—out of the suffering of samsara and into the limitless peace and joy of enlightenment. For this purpose, bodhisattvas generate bodhicitta, the wish to attain their own enlightenment on behalf of others. This is our ultimate aim in studying texts such as Shantideva’s.
If we consider ourselves to be following the same path the bodhisattvas have tread, we should continually examine our thoughts and emotions to see if they are congruent with the vast motivation of bodhicitta. To be able to rejoice only on behalf of certain beings but feel jealous in regard to others goes against the fundamental principle of equality—that all beings are equal in their longing to be happy and free from suffering. It also goes against the practice of impartial loving-kindness, in which we wish for all beings to have happiness and its causes.
The sign of proficiency in loving-kindness is regarding the happiness of others as our own happiness. When we are jealous and envious, we are against the happiness of others. If we are against their experience of relative happiness, then how can we be in favor of their attaining enlightenment, the ultimate happiness? These two mind-sets are diametrically opposed to one another. Bodhicitta and jealousy are incompatible.
When beings attain enlightenment, they become just like the Buddha, who was honored by the entire world. How can we wish them to enter such an exalted state when we don’t even want them to be appreciated by others or hear a single word of praise? Isn’t that a ridiculous contradiction? Since it is rare to find any joy in samsara, how can we not be glad when the beings we’ve committed to help experience a few glimpses of happiness here and there? This position is similar to raising your children, devoting tremendous attention and energy to their well-being, and then becoming upset when they go off on their own and do well for themselves. What kind of parent is disturbed by an outcome like that?
As developing bodhisattvas, we all forget ourselves and indulge in this kind of hypocritical behavior from time to time. We are all in the process of changing our egocentric habits and replacing them with wisdom and tsewa. These stanzas, just like all the verses in The Way of the Bodhisattva, encourage us to look carefully and openly at what we are thinking and doing on an ongoing basis. We need to uncover our hidden faults and identify their root—our self-centered stance and the ego’s habitual mechanism of trying to protect and cherish itself at all costs.
To transform our habitual egotistical tendencies into wisdom, we need to take the teachings and use them in a productive internal dialogue run by our wisdom mind. Looking at the arising of jealousy as a great opportunity to learn and grow will make this process a joy. By contemplating the logic Shantideva presents, we can put things in perspective and come to think and act in a way that enhances, rather than sabotages, our bodhicitta.
84
If someone else receives a gift,
Or if that gift stays in the benefactor’s house,
In neither case will it be yours—
So, given or withheld, why is it your concern?
Say you and your good friend are hanging out together. A mutual friend visiting from out of town stops by. The mutual friend brings a gift for your friend but nothing for you. Say the gift is a nice pair of dangling earrings. Right away you feel bummed out. You think, Why didn’t she bring me anything? She’s my friend too. She even knows I like dangling earrings!
You almost feel like you have lost something precious, but Shantideva points out how irrational this thinking is. The earrings were never yours to begin with. Why does it matter to you if your friend received them or they stayed in the mutual friend’s drawer? If the gift had been promised to you, that would be one thing, but those dangling earrings were never destined to come into your possession. So why not be happy for your friend and rejoice in seeing her wear her new jewelry? Why not see the humor in how your ego, like a spoiled child, is always crying to be at the center of everything? Why not free yourself from such a limited point of view and instead find a source of sympathetic joy?
85
All your merit and the faith of others,
All your sterling qualities—why throw them all away?
Not holding on to what might bring you riches,
Tell me, why are you not angry at yourself?
86
Not only do you feel no sorrow
For the evils you have done,
You even wish to match yourself
With those whose merit has been earned!
If you get jealous and envious of someone else receiving praise, acknowledgment, a gift, a promotion, or anything else you desire, not only will that not get you what you want, but your reaction may also ruin your chances of getting such things in the future. Instead, think about it this way. Nothing happens at random. The person you are jealous of must in some way deserve what they’ve received, meaning they must have some good qualities or some merit from the past.
In other religious teachings, it is believed that a god or creator is the force that operates the universe. According to the Buddhadharma, the universe is run by karma, the law of cause and effect. A well-known teaching uses the analogy of a tree: “If the root is medicinal, the trunk and leaves will be medicinal. If the root is poisonous, the trunk and leaves will be poisonous.” The teachings also say that the one who sows the seed is the one who reaps the fruit. This means that your altruistic or harmful deed will have its primary result in your own future. If you act based on altruism, you will be the one to experience the positive effect of your action. Conversely, any positive experience you have now must be the result of an altruistic action from your own past—if not in this lifetime then in a past life.
If you’re not experiencing the same level of good fortune as someone else, it must mean that you’re lacking the other person’s good qualities or merit, which have brought about certain causes and conditions in their lives. But this is not something to despair about. It is not a permanent situation. Instead of getting jealous, why not cultivate those qualities yourself? Why not gather merit and create the proper conditions through your understanding of cause and effect? Genuinely rejoicing or being generous and good-hearted in any way—especially when these feelings are based on the altruistic vision of bodhicitta—gathers tremendous merit. Now you have a chance to rejoice, so you should take it. If you don’t grab this perfect opportunity that has fallen into your lap, you are throwing away a chance to sow positive seeds for the future, not to mention the soothing effect it can have on your present mind.