Help me take the blinders off my eyes and see myself clearly.
—John
Let's look at the word “deserve.” I have seen this little sevenletter word mess up more lives! I would love to see it taken out of our vocabulary. Webster's defines it as “to be worthy of.” But “worthy” is such a heavy word. It gives one a feeling of someone always lurking around us, watching our every move, and then, based on our actions and thoughts, giving us what we deserve.
If you're good, you deserve something good. If you're bad, you deserve something bad. It's that simple . . . and that abusive.“To be worthy of.” It seems as if it is always hanging over our heads.
Do I deserve happiness?
Have I been good enough to deserve that?
Hey, I don't deserve that!
I deserve to be punished. I'm a sinner.
Oh, he deserved everything he got.
If you are physically ill right now, is there a small voice inside your head that says, “I must have done something wrong to deserve this illness”? Who decides what you deserve or don't deserve? Family members? Friends? Co-workers? Your boss? A religious leader? Your significant other? God? Or you?
Whenever we judge whether or not we deserve something, we are usually applying other people's standards. For example, your mother might think that you deserve a new coat, while your father might think that you didn't work hard enough to deserve it. The word “deserve” is about rewards and punishments, guilt and shame. It is about conditional love, which really isn't love at all.
The word “deserve” also diminishes your capacity to heal. Suppose you believe that it was God who decided that you deserved the illness. How good can you be feeling about the chances of your recovery? Why would God be inclined to heal you if He had given you this illness as a form of punishment? Can you see what an impediment the concept of “what you deserve” can be to the healing process? In the next few days, pay attention to how many times you think or say the word “deserve.” Pay attention to how many times others use the word, either about themselves or other people. Don't underestimate the effect of this word in your life. It is important to recognize how you feel about this word and the beliefs you have formed in your mind around it.
One reason we cling to our beliefs and feelings around the word “deserve” is that they help us remain in our comfort zone, even if that means blocking our ability to heal. “Secondary gain” is a term psychologists use to describe the payoff people get from clinging to a false belief that reinforces a particular pattern of behavior or negative thought process. The belief allows you to stay in familiar territory, but it threatens your ability to get well.
Belief: I don't deserve to have a loving relationship because I cheated on my spouse.
Payoff: I'll never have to commit to a relationship again—which is something I would like to avoid anyway.
Belief: I don't deserve to have nice things in my life because I never take care of them.
Payoff: As long as I hold on to this belief, I will never have to work hard to get nice things.
Belief: I always cheat on my diet, so I don't deserve to be thin.
Payoff: As long as I hold on to this belief, I won't ever have to change my eating habits or take responsibility for my weight problem.
Belief: Because I am a sinner, I don't deserve happiness.
Payoff: As long as I hold on to this belief, I will never really have to open up to life and take risks.
Illness is a way to get to know ourselves. It is a tool to change the course of our lives, a way to find freedom from the past. Pain, illness, and disease are our bodies’ way of saying, “Help me to get unstuck. Help me to be free.”
In the pages that follow, I will provide exercises to further your healing process. You will be asked to record your observations and impressions in your healing journal. Any notebook will do, although you may want to purchase a special journal that makes you feel connected to the ritual of self-recovery.
To open yourself up to the healing journey, you must first get over any belief that you “deserve” to be sick. Ask your Higher Power to help you let go of the payoffs. Then, as soon as you feel an inner willingness to move forward, which may or may not be right away, ask your Higher Power to heal your negative beliefs. That's right. Simply ask that they be healed. Sound too easy? Do you have a difficult time believing that you deserve it to be that simple? Give that up, too! Be willing to move forward now.