If you go up to any head nurse on a ward and point to two women who came in with lumps in their breasts and one is a pain in the neck and driving everyone crazy and another is this wonderful, gentle, little lady who is doing everything that everybody wants, and you ask which one has cancer, the nurse is going to say the sweet, gentle one. The nice people always get cancer. But, you see, the definition of nice is the people who won't express themselves, who won't express rage and anger and who internalize it and then get depressed and then get sick.
—Bernie Siegel, MD
How many times have you heard people ask, “Why do nice people get cancer?” Or they say, “Cancer always happens to such nice people!” The quote above, from a best-selling author and Yale surgeon, explains why. Nice people are frequently people who have trouble expressing themselves, and the evidence suggests that there is a strong link between illness and the inability to express what's inside.
Does this mean that everyone who is nice is going to get cancer? Of course not. But the truth is that there does seem to be a strong link between illness and not being able to express one's self.
Several years ago, Michael, a college professor, came to me seeking relief from his pain. He had recently suffered two heart attacks and a stroke that left him partially paralyzed on his left side. The first thing he said to me after introducing himself was that he was a Christian and that he had always tried to help people as much as he could. He seemed very gentle and loving. He was also an intelligent man who was sincere about his desire to heal himself. While I was channeling the healing to him, John, my spirit guide, said to me, “Yes, he has been a ‘Christian’ to everyone else, but has forgotten about himself.”
Christine, a high school teacher, came to me for a healing on her neck. It had suddenly become stiff, preventing her from being able to move her head from side to side. When I placed my hands on her neck, I saw the image of a man sitting there, inside of her. She appeared to have become “fused” with this man, always anticipating his wants and needs, always focused on him. She'd forgotten about herself. He consumed her thoughts, her time, her life.
I saw another image, too, this one of Christine herself, yelling, “Hey, what about me?” I could see that there was a tremendous internal conflict between Christine and this man. Should she be true to herself or to him? If she didn't make him the center of her life, would he leave her? The pain in her body was saying, “He is a total pain in the neck, get him out of here.” I knew that she needed to break this cycle and that she would probably not be able to do this on her own. Regrettably, I saw her only once. But if she is like many other clients I have seen with similar patterns in their relationships, she sought out and received the kind of help she needed.
Does it sound as if I am suggesting that we shouldn't be nice, loving, or nurturing? If so, that is certainly not my intent. The problem comes when we are nice to other people at our own expense. Healthy people take responsibility for themselves, making certain their own needs are met. Then they take the extra energy they get from taking care of themselves and use it to be there for others. “Nice” people use up all of their energy taking care of others and end up with nothing left for themselves. Usually what follows is illness, which is one of the only ways “nice” people have of feeling cared for. The greatest loss “nice” people suffer is their loss of self.
I used to be a “nice” person, paying more attention to the wants and needs of others than to myself. When asked about my feelings or thoughts on a particular subject, my immediate reaction was always confusion. I had no idea what to think or feel on my own. For example, when my boyfriend asked me what I wanted to do on Saturday night, I would first try to figure out what it was he wanted to do and then give him the answer I thought would make him happy. I placed his needs before my own, sacrificing my own health in the process.
“Nice” people act in the name of charity and kindness, but their deeper motivation stems from a poor self-image or lack of self-worth. They don't think they have a right to put themselves first or to have their own opinions. Moreover, it is very difficult for them to imagine that anyone else would care what they believed.
If you recognize yourself as a “nice” person, it is essential to your health to break this pattern. Low self-esteem, selfdestructiveness, and self-hatred all have their roots in self-denial. Instead, you need to fight, and fight hard, for yourself. I really do believe that the destructive pattern of caretaking, peoplepleasing, and martyrdom—the way many of us have of being the rescuer to everyone else but ourselves—is at the root of a lot of illnesses.
Remember what Jesus said: “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” The bottom line is that we each deserve and need love and caring. Someone once said that the most valuable thing we have to give is ourselves. But what if there is no self to give? Then, the gift we try to pass along to others is going to be of no use to anyone. In a very real way, our primary responsibility is to put ourselves first.
Learning to say no is the first step toward getting and staying healthy. It may be difficult at first, just as it was difficult learning to walk. But gradually, you will see that learning to say no is a selfstrengthening step that leaves you with no one else's life to maintain but your own. Once you let go of the responsibility for other people's lives, you will no longer be silently resentful, envious, angry, or miserable, and you already know what happens to all that negativity sitting inside of your body. Eventually, it erupts into pain or illness.
In your journal, make any notes you wish about this issue and how it affects you. Think about specific relationships in your life: Are there people whom you are always trying to please or whose needs you are always putting before your own? Are there people whose “niceness” makes you uncomfortable? Do you ever feel guilty about these people? If you feel that there are many of these types of relationships in your life, make some notes about each of them, using the above list as a guide.
Remember, being “nice” is no excuse for neglecting your health and well-being. To God, you are just as deserving as the next guy. Start believing it.
